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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strange behaviour from a teacher

170 replies

Spoonfullofconfusion · 30/11/2022 23:30

Ok, this happened a couple of weeks ago but I’m still annoyed. My daughter got in trouble at school for using her phone and recorded something that went on in her class. No faces shown, no names mentioned. Had a phone call from school to tell us they were aware of this recording and she had been put in internal exclusion. School always ring me first before dad but luckily dad was able to hear the conversation after I placed the call on loud speaker. Bit of back story my daughter has be having trouble with some girls and at time’s been ganged up on, we thought this was the reason he was ringing us. I’m aware my child is no angel all the time but these girls have a history so I do believe my daughter when she tells me things plus I have a way of getting the truth from her eventually. We have worked with teachers when there has been problems, either with homework or bullying and have always had adult and productive conversations with other teachers and have worked towards sorting out any problems that have arisen in the past.
Anyway my aibu is more about the teacher that rang regarding the recording and his actions and behaviour to us and everyone involved and would also like to know how others would have reacted? So obviously been told my daughter has been put in internal exclusion was a shock but when I asked questions about what had gone on he seemed to not want to tell me anything other than I should know the policy on mobile phones and it’s in my daughters planner. (Planner says a detention for mobile phone use on school premises) I asked why a child would feel the need to record an event? No answer! He then went on to say that there had been a complaint about the recording to which I asked if it was the childs mother who the recording had picked up?. He told me he couldn’t say and I need to ask her myself as he couldn’t say under gdpr rules but he could have said she wasn’t the one that complained. The mum is a friend of mine so at this point I was angry to think she didn’t ring me and say she had a problem also at this point I thought she had been unfair after knowing our daughters have a love hate relationship and we’ve always in the past dealt with them together as they get on in small doses but fall out easily. Neither of our daughters is perfect in their behaviour but they are far from being delinquents. After days of stewing over everything and hearing what my daughter had told me. What she did tell me sounded like the teacher had interrogated her to make her say something that hadn’t happened and was trying to put words in her mouth. I decided I would just text the other mum and sort everything out. After a long conversation it turns out she hadn’t complained and even knew about the recording before the school mentioned it and hadn’t cared or thought anything else about it(my daughter let her hear the recording as it had her daughter on) turned out the school had rung her and this teacher asked if she knew her daughter had been recorded without her knowledge to which she said she knew and didn’t care and was then to be told she may get some backlash from this (I assume he meant from us?) After speaking and getting most of the answers from the mum that we couldn’t get out of the teacher as he refused to speak to me or answer any of my questions and spoke over everything I said while he interrogated us! He asked if I had asked my daughter to make the recording and then asked (interrogated)my daughter if the other parent had asked her to make the recording as the other parent had issues with the teacher who was also in the recording, he hadn’t asked the other parent if she had asked her to do this. The school hasn’t heard the recording and only myself, partner, other parent and obviously my child has heard this recording so they have no clue what’s in it. It also hasn’t been shared on social media which the teacher said it had. I did ask why they find the mobile phone policy so serious but they haven’t taken the same approach to their bullying policy which ended up with a teacher threatening my daughter with detention everyday if her father doesn’t sign their policy. I’m lead to believe the school was sued back to the stone ages when a recording had been made about 4 years ago. If this is true they have covered it up very well. After been ignored and unable to make an appointment with the headmaster we finally got one on day four (their policy states 24hours) after the original phone call from the teacher to be told no complaint had even been made. He made a comment saying he thought we were just another ‘shouty parent’. Turns out said teacher who made the original phone call has had many complaints against him from parents which have been ignored, I’m told he is friends with the head teacher who is also one of the governors and deals with the complaints which makes me wonder if he’s not acting on them and also is this not a conflict of interest? I’ve also been told by many people the teacher has a dislike for women and called women stupid to their face but changes his tone when the husbands turn up and talks over women when they speak, this is what I had to deal with. We have also made it clear and also put it in writing that he is not to be alone with my daughter and the first thing he did was take my daughter into a room alone! 2nd time he did this my daughter asked for another teacher to be present which he obliged. I’m actually worried that this teacher is trusted to be in charge of children when I & my partner have had great difficulty dealing with him ourselves and witnessed how he has handled what he says is a serious situation and implied people have complained who actually haven’t. We have asked for the governor’s details to complain to as this is not given on their website and have yet to receive these details. Our complaint isn’t about our daughter being punished and support the school if our daughter is being disruptive or doing something she shouldn’t but more how this teacher has behaved and we find it worrying how he’s gone about this situation and if we hadn’t have been in contact with the other parent how this could have panned out. If this is how he deals with parents what does he do around children. He had us thinking another parent had complained (told us a complaint had been made) when they hadn’t. I’ve wrote all this on my phone so hope it all makes sense.

OP posts:
KloppsTeeth · 01/12/2022 01:30

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 01/12/2022 00:02

Do you really understand why schools have these policies? I’m a teacher. I’ve taught many children who are “looked after” or subject to child protection proceedings. On one occasion a convicted abuser was able to locate a child in my school via a recording made in the playground by someone like your DD. The child had their life upended, had to move school and areas. It isn’t an arbitrary policy there to stop teens from recording TikToks. Mobile phone recordings made thoughtlessly in school can destroy lives.

100% this.

I am a chair of governors. You can’t go to governors with a complaint unless you have followed the stages on the school’s complaints policy. However, even your post is too long and difficult to read, it would still be for school to address before governors, you really need to pick your battles with complaining.

nowgoingout · 01/12/2022 01:40

You and your daughter are part of the reason why teachers are leaving the profession in droves.

Perhaps if your daughter spent less time recording things in class (which even the year sevens know is strictly forbidden and will be punished), she has a hope of growing up to be able to write concisely and with paragraphs so other people can understand her.

WindyHedges · 01/12/2022 05:09

Paragraphs!

But it’s pretty clear that your daughter misbehaved in a very basic way and you don’t accept that. I suspect your daughter’s behaviour might be learned from her home environment.

sanityisamyth · 01/12/2022 05:16

UWhatNow · 30/11/2022 23:41

Paragraphs. Yes. And priorities!

You do realise that the current teaching crisis is partly due to teachers with having to deal with shit like this day in day out? Your dd shouldn’t have her phone out or be filming in class. End of. If your child behaved properly then neither of you would be having to deal with senior school staff. That should be the primary focus of your energy and attention, not the behaviour of the teacher.

This.

I can't be bothered to read a wall of text. I am an ex-teacher and dealing with this crap every day is so tedious, tiring and pointless.

RobinRobinMouse · 01/12/2022 05:25

Recording anything in a school on a mobile phone is a serious issue and needed to be dealt with. The other parent being aware or complaining etc is actually irrelevant, the school have a duty of care to ensure this sort of thing doesn't happen again. Your daughter was in the wrong, you are also in the wrong to wriggle around it and trying to find any excuse for your child rather than addressing it head on.

Joshanddonna · 01/12/2022 05:28

Your child broke the rules - end of story.
If you had any common sense you would have told her she was wrong and moved on.
But there always has to be the route where parents have to defend their '"little darlings" despite them being wrong.

Plumbear2 · 01/12/2022 05:44

Your child was punished and rightly so. In my kids school the phone would have also been removed for 48 hours. Teachers and pupils have the right to privacy in the classroom, not to be recorded. Teach your daughter. I would have absolutely made a complaint about your daughter.

AnxiousStepparent · 01/12/2022 05:51

Apologies if I missed it but why can't the teacher be in a room alone with your daughter?

Riu · 01/12/2022 06:11

Your daughter was caught recording in a lesson. This is a total menace for teachers and other children. It happens quite a bit and a lot of this stuff ends up on social media. Footage includes upskirting of teachers and children, mocking videos and recordings of what teachers and children said or did and ‘ugly’ pictures of staff and students. For obvious reasons, it is treated very seriously. It is very likely that another parent or student complained about it.

The teacher you are complaining about may be dreadful, but all I can tell from your post is that he has been supportive of his female colleague in this situation. So I’m not sure you will get very far with the ‘he has a dislike for women’ accusation.

BellaCiao1 · 01/12/2022 06:15

Your daughter was recording everyone in that room without their knowledge. Completely inappropriate. Your further comments and the general tone of your post (which was very difficult to read), shows a lot of distain for teachers, you seem content to back your daughter up regardless.

As others have said, any wonder teachers are leaving in droves.

fullydramatised · 01/12/2022 06:20

Your daughter was in the wrong, end of, and if you complained to me about any of our staff in that way my reaction would be the same, as would our governors'. I very much doubt he called you a shouty parent as well. Teach your daughter how to behave in school and don't be drawn into the vicious rumour mill about a particular teacher.

PAFMO · 01/12/2022 06:23

If I'd have caught your daughter recording my lesson, her phone would have gone into our HT's safe, and she wouldn't have got it back until a parent had had a meeting with her (HT) about filming/recording other minors and a teacher in a position of responsibility without their permission.

And your friend told you she'd been coerced into complaining by the teacher? (= friend's kid cba with the rest of the toxic classroom.situation CREATED BY KIDS LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER but mother doesn't want to 'fess up to you because she knows what you're like and she's covering her own back)

Behave, the lot of you.

jumperoozles · 01/12/2022 06:25

Oh my goodness this type of thing drives me mad - you ring up to see your child has done this and this is the consequence and parents comes back with yeah but this happened, this happened, this happened two years ago blah blah. This phone call is about THIS incident of breaking the school rules. I’m not surprised he didn’t want to bother to go into all sorts of details. It’s a straightforward rule and straightforward consequence end of. The amount of excuses and minimising that goes on is staggering.

Outtasteamandluck · 01/12/2022 06:28

SummerWhisper · 30/11/2022 23:46

Take your complaint to the Education Department of the local authority that covers the school.

Don't do this.

If the school is an academy they will tell you to follow the schools complaints policy (on their website).

If it's not an academy, they still won't care. They don't intervene in a how a school runs.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 06:30

Can you not just accept your child was wrong?

BellaCiao1 · 01/12/2022 06:30

I've just tried to reread to see the gripe with the teacher. I'm actually at a loss as to see what your complaint, am I right in saying it was because a complaint was made and he didn't declare who made it - even though it was him?

This is such a non issue, it's none of your business who made the complaint - the issue happened. You seem to have a personal vendetta against this teacher and are trying to defend your daughter's actions; 'no faces/names were recorded'. Grow up and take some accountability.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 01/12/2022 06:31

I mean, I didn’t read all your OP because life’s too short, but just why wouldn’t you use paragraphs?

And yes, once you said that your DD has been using get phone to record something in class and that she was in detention for it, I guessed that the rest of the rant was going to be some sort of justification of how unfair this was and how unfair the teacher was and blah blah blah and life’s too short for that too.

She did wrong, she was appropriately punished, get a grip.

Inasec24 · 01/12/2022 06:31

Your daughter was in the wrong and received an appropriate punishment. Do you know how much teaching time is wasted dealing with stuff like this? It isn't done lightly. Leave the school alone and move on with your life.

CowPie · 01/12/2022 06:31

Hang on, OP — is what you’re trying to say that your daughter was recording on her phone an incidence of bullying behaviour by the other girl? Or is that a complete red herring?

Soontobe60 · 01/12/2022 06:32

Wickerblanketbasket · 30/11/2022 23:59

Maybe you should walk if you think a child breaking rules gives a teacher the right to ring her parents up and basically lie to them.
She has said her child shouldn't have been on her phone, the issue is the teachers conduct after that.

Show quote history

What exactly has the teacher lied about?

BadlyArrangedToasties · 01/12/2022 06:33

With regards to GDPR: you can't confirm our deny any information on a person. I work in further ed. If a parent calls up about their adult child (18 plus) we can't give out i information, or allude to anything about that person. We might get asked "has my son passed his exam" and all we can say is "we cannot give out information unless someone is listed as a trusted other or similar. Cannot confirm or deny. Those are the data protection rules. So no, the teacher could not just say "she wasn't the one who complained" about the other parent. Your child recorded a class. She does the punishment. That's it.

Soontobe60 · 01/12/2022 06:39

Spoonfullofconfusion · 30/11/2022 23:30

Ok, this happened a couple of weeks ago but I’m still annoyed. My daughter got in trouble at school for using her phone and recorded something that went on in her class. No faces shown, no names mentioned. Had a phone call from school to tell us they were aware of this recording and she had been put in internal exclusion. School always ring me first before dad but luckily dad was able to hear the conversation after I placed the call on loud speaker. Bit of back story my daughter has be having trouble with some girls and at time’s been ganged up on, we thought this was the reason he was ringing us. I’m aware my child is no angel all the time but these girls have a history so I do believe my daughter when she tells me things plus I have a way of getting the truth from her eventually. We have worked with teachers when there has been problems, either with homework or bullying and have always had adult and productive conversations with other teachers and have worked towards sorting out any problems that have arisen in the past.
Anyway my aibu is more about the teacher that rang regarding the recording and his actions and behaviour to us and everyone involved and would also like to know how others would have reacted? So obviously been told my daughter has been put in internal exclusion was a shock but when I asked questions about what had gone on he seemed to not want to tell me anything other than I should know the policy on mobile phones and it’s in my daughters planner. (Planner says a detention for mobile phone use on school premises) I asked why a child would feel the need to record an event? No answer! He then went on to say that there had been a complaint about the recording to which I asked if it was the childs mother who the recording had picked up?. He told me he couldn’t say and I need to ask her myself as he couldn’t say under gdpr rules but he could have said she wasn’t the one that complained. The mum is a friend of mine so at this point I was angry to think she didn’t ring me and say she had a problem also at this point I thought she had been unfair after knowing our daughters have a love hate relationship and we’ve always in the past dealt with them together as they get on in small doses but fall out easily. Neither of our daughters is perfect in their behaviour but they are far from being delinquents. After days of stewing over everything and hearing what my daughter had told me. What she did tell me sounded like the teacher had interrogated her to make her say something that hadn’t happened and was trying to put words in her mouth. I decided I would just text the other mum and sort everything out. After a long conversation it turns out she hadn’t complained and even knew about the recording before the school mentioned it and hadn’t cared or thought anything else about it(my daughter let her hear the recording as it had her daughter on) turned out the school had rung her and this teacher asked if she knew her daughter had been recorded without her knowledge to which she said she knew and didn’t care and was then to be told she may get some backlash from this (I assume he meant from us?) After speaking and getting most of the answers from the mum that we couldn’t get out of the teacher as he refused to speak to me or answer any of my questions and spoke over everything I said while he interrogated us! He asked if I had asked my daughter to make the recording and then asked (interrogated)my daughter if the other parent had asked her to make the recording as the other parent had issues with the teacher who was also in the recording, he hadn’t asked the other parent if she had asked her to do this. The school hasn’t heard the recording and only myself, partner, other parent and obviously my child has heard this recording so they have no clue what’s in it. It also hasn’t been shared on social media which the teacher said it had. I did ask why they find the mobile phone policy so serious but they haven’t taken the same approach to their bullying policy which ended up with a teacher threatening my daughter with detention everyday if her father doesn’t sign their policy. I’m lead to believe the school was sued back to the stone ages when a recording had been made about 4 years ago. If this is true they have covered it up very well. After been ignored and unable to make an appointment with the headmaster we finally got one on day four (their policy states 24hours) after the original phone call from the teacher to be told no complaint had even been made. He made a comment saying he thought we were just another ‘shouty parent’. Turns out said teacher who made the original phone call has had many complaints against him from parents which have been ignored, I’m told he is friends with the head teacher who is also one of the governors and deals with the complaints which makes me wonder if he’s not acting on them and also is this not a conflict of interest? I’ve also been told by many people the teacher has a dislike for women and called women stupid to their face but changes his tone when the husbands turn up and talks over women when they speak, this is what I had to deal with. We have also made it clear and also put it in writing that he is not to be alone with my daughter and the first thing he did was take my daughter into a room alone! 2nd time he did this my daughter asked for another teacher to be present which he obliged. I’m actually worried that this teacher is trusted to be in charge of children when I & my partner have had great difficulty dealing with him ourselves and witnessed how he has handled what he says is a serious situation and implied people have complained who actually haven’t. We have asked for the governor’s details to complain to as this is not given on their website and have yet to receive these details. Our complaint isn’t about our daughter being punished and support the school if our daughter is being disruptive or doing something she shouldn’t but more how this teacher has behaved and we find it worrying how he’s gone about this situation and if we hadn’t have been in contact with the other parent how this could have panned out. If this is how he deals with parents what does he do around children. He had us thinking another parent had complained (told us a complaint had been made) when they hadn’t. I’ve wrote all this on my phone so hope it all makes sense.

No, it doesn’t make sense. He didn’t say who had complained, just that someone did. You assumed who it was. Just because he didn’t deny your assumption doesn’t mean he thinks you’re correct in your guess!
Your post is full of ‘he said, she said’ guesswork and second hand conversations. You’re making some huge allegations about a person which the school, and this teacher in particular, could take very seriously and invoke legal action. This isn’t just idle gossip, it’s someone’s career you’re trying to ruin.

Ladybug14 · 01/12/2022 06:45

''''No, it doesn’t make sense. He didn’t say who had complained, just that someone did. You assumed who it was. Just because he didn’t deny your assumption doesn’t mean he thinks you’re correct in your guess!
Your post is full of ‘he said, she said’ guesswork and second hand conversations. You’re making some huge allegations about a person which the school, and this teacher in particular, could take very seriously and invoke legal action. This isn’t just idle gossip, it’s someone’s career you’re trying to ruin.''''

This

You sound horrible, OP. Why are you bad mouthing the teacher? You seem to be trying to make unsubstantiated and second hand allegations stick so that the teacher gets into serious trouble. That is very dangerous.

Your daughter was wrong

Your gossiping is wrong

You need to sort your head out and use paragraphs

Theunamedcat · 01/12/2022 06:47

WindyHedges · 01/12/2022 05:09

Paragraphs!

But it’s pretty clear that your daughter misbehaved in a very basic way and you don’t accept that. I suspect your daughter’s behaviour might be learned from her home environment.

Bugger off she said frequently she accepts her daughter was wrong and the punishment is fine

The teachers conduct is unprofessional he shouldn't be taking students in a room for a 1-1 discussion he shouldn't be misleading parents it should have been a short conversation your child was filming your child is being punished everything else from him is needless dramatic waffle

Twiglets1 · 01/12/2022 06:50

Paragraphs are your friend (or should be). But yeah, I work in a school and we don't tolerate pupils filming or recording in class either. I'm a TA and one of the pupils was secretly filming my friend (another TA) in a class recently! The pupil got disciplined for it, rightly so.
How would you feel if you were recorded at work without your permission and for what strange reason? Staff and other pupils need to feel safe in classrooms not like they are being filmed/recorded for whatever reason - potentially without their knowledge or consent.