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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore the crying woman on the train

276 replies

Rainlady · 29/11/2022 23:43

On the way back from dinner tonight, I noticed that a woman opposite me (across the aisle) on the train was quietly but audibly crying, sniffling.

There was also a woman sat directly opposite her, with headphones in who didnt seem to notice. I also had headphones on but could still hear.

I didn't ask if she was OK or anything because I didn't think it was any of my business, and thought she might just want to be left alone. (I probably would). But now I feel bad for not checking she was OK. Aibu for not saying anything?

OP posts:
Zazazoolly · 01/12/2022 18:44

i would definitely have asked if she was ok. Does no harm to check. It’s nobody’s business but you don’t have to know what’s happened, to show you care

Tiggy321 · 01/12/2022 18:45

A few years ago i spent 2 hours on Eurostar travelling back to UK, having found out the night before my dad had suddenly died. I sobbed quietly all the way, frantic phone calls to family members. Not one person asked me if I was ok. Not sure I was horrified or relieved.

shreddies · 01/12/2022 18:49

I would always ask.

When my dad left, my mum took me and my sister, both under four, on a train to stay with friends. I remember her telling me that she was in tears and a kind man brought her a cup of tea. This was in the 70s but I remember her telling me when I was a teenager. These things can make a huge difference.

Justbefair · 01/12/2022 18:49

Showing some concern is kind and I wouldn't have been able to help myself. But that's just me, if I see anyone upset my first reaction is to comfort and if they don't want it then i would leave them be. X

OopsyDaisie · 01/12/2022 18:50

OMG I thought this post was about me!! I was crying on the train yesterday so I nearly chocked when I saw your AIBU...
(It wasn't me I don't think as it was around 2pm)
Nobody asked me if I was OK, and I did want to be left alone, so don't feel bad. Today at work every time someone asked of I was OK (I didn't sleep last night so I think my face showed), I nearly broke into tears. So I think most people would appreciate a smile or a nod best.

Wife2b · 01/12/2022 18:58

I’d of asked if she was ok and if she had any support with whatever was upsetting her. I’m a social worker though and you never really clock off. Got myself into an uncomfortable situation at Bongos Bingo in a toilet cubicle with a young girl who was hysterical because she was so drunk she couldn’t get her trousers on. Breathe in and I’ll pull up I said…there were 5 other woman stood outside the cubicle awkwardly listening to her sobbing.

ScotsBluebell · 01/12/2022 19:03

I think I'd have said something, given her a tissue, asked her if I could help, without forcing her to chat. I remember a few days after my dad died, walking through the town, in tears, thinking 'I'm in pieces and nobody knows or cares!' It's a very lonely feeling. I don't know what I expected them to do, mind you! I arrived at a meeting and an old friend just gave me a big hug, without saying anything at all. It was exactly what I needed at that time.

Milesty1 · 01/12/2022 19:10

SandraDeee · 30/11/2022 00:36

I once saw a woman crying on the phone in an atrium style cafe. I didn’t interrupt her, but put a cup of tea and some tissues in front of her then went back to my table.

This made me cry! Luckily not on the train

Ohchristmastreeohchristmastree · 01/12/2022 19:11

I saw a woman crying on a train once. I asked if she was okay and she said she wasn’t. She had the most (honestly beyond) horrific thing happen to her and was struggling not to have a panic attack. I’ve no idea why she was by herself in this situation.

I sat with her and held her hand, listened and chatted with her until she felt like she wasn’t going to have a panic attack. I had to get off at my stop, which was a few before hers, but I hope she was okay.

It was a packed train. I think people ignoring her made her feel that she was more likely to have a panic attack.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 01/12/2022 19:16

I can't see that there's any downside to saying, "Can I help?"

Either she'll be happy to be talked to, in which case you've done the right thing.

Or she won't, and at worse she'll say 'fuck off', in which case you nod and fuck off. Being told that, after all, isn't personal. She'd've said that to anyone.

So you've either made things better for her, or they've stayed the same. Probably haven't made things worse.

If you don't say anything, things may stay the same, but you won't have helped make them better.

GracieLouFreeebush · 01/12/2022 19:36

I was in a public place when I found out a grandparent died. I will never forget the lady that sat me down and chatted to me before using my phone to contact my partner to collect me. I just wish I had taken her details so that I could thank her for it because she will never know how much her kind words got me though

namechangeididtoo · 01/12/2022 19:41

not on a train but in the cafe/bar of a hotel, a man and lady sat two tables away but we were the only ones in there, the man was saying all sorts of horrible things to her when he went to the bar I asked if she was ok, and she said, no,when he came back to their table, he carried on with his abuse and she told him I had asked if she was ok, he then started on me until my husband came back to our table.
they left but I was so concerned that we told the staff, when they went to see if she was ok in her room, he had beaten her up and the police were called.
I always worry that my asking her had provoked him but I think it was already heading that way unfortunately

tiantian1005 · 01/12/2022 19:42

Many years ago I cried (flood of tears) for an hour on a train for reasons which looking back completely sick and stupid - but I was young. Nobody asked me whether I was OK and I really wanted to be left alone as well. But nowadays if I see a crying girl I would always ask if she is OK because I felt I knew how she was feeling at the time.

LouDeLou · 01/12/2022 19:50

I'm one of those who asks - is everything all right, can I help at all?

Most of the time it's just a sniff and a nod, but one time this woman on train was homeless and in terrible pain (she'd been attacked) - I just happened to have a few paracetamol and a bottle of water. I hope her life is going the right way now, but if not, I hope there will always be someone to ask her if she needs help.

Missingpop · 01/12/2022 19:55

She’d have told you to fuck off & mind your own business if she didn’t want to speak about it but then she might have wanted to tell you her life story in the minutest of detail & you’d have been stuck with her for hours; either way you’d have been screwed…. You did the best right thing keep your nose out 🤥

Twobigsapphires · 01/12/2022 19:55

I don’t think you were being unreasonable, although once I was in a restaurant and ended up in tears (family drama) and a waitress came over and and hugged me. It’s was so warm and she was so lovely it really touched me.

Lifeomars · 01/12/2022 19:56

I would ask if there was anything I could do to help while adding that I appreciated she may well wish to be left alone, that way you are offering her two choices. I cannot stand by when I see another person in distress

honeyytoast · 01/12/2022 19:59

This very possibly could have been me, lol

I think a kind gesture such as discreetly asking if they’re ok, offering a tissue, even just a smile etc will never ever hurt. But I understand that in the moment it’s difficult to know what to do

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 01/12/2022 20:00

She may have wanted to be left alone but the only way to know would be to ask.

witchesbubblebath · 01/12/2022 20:00

XenoBitch · 29/11/2022 23:44

If I was that lady, I would want to be left alone. But others might not want to be.
You can ask, and go from there.

Hard line. I usually ask if someone is ok, but it's really hard to judge if someone would rather be left alone

Cecesme · 01/12/2022 20:00

I don't suppose you were on the Circle/Jubliee or Thameslink last night between 10-11pm, if so this was probably me.

I was conscious that people were avoiding looking at me and I really wanted to stop crying but couldn't. A kind word and a tissue would have been lovely but I was also ok by myself (although embarrassed that I was crying).

In the same situation I would probably try and catch the persons eye and ask subtly if they were alright. Or even just a smile if you think that the person wants space. xx

Shanda5 · 01/12/2022 20:07

I would want to be ignored in that situation. Nothing would be worse than someone speaking to me.

CocoFifi · 01/12/2022 20:07

I would have just asked if there was anything i could do to help, or if she was in danger and go from there

wildchild554 · 01/12/2022 20:11

Honestly, I would have asked if she was okay, been in a similar situation, turned out the young woman was fleeing domestic violence and had hardly anything on her, no phone or anything like that so managed to call her mum for her to come and get her, because who knows what would have happened to her if I didn't help her, as she ran off with very little.

Palaver1 · 01/12/2022 20:15

Each time I've seen this happen I've always handed tissues as well as are you alright .in a very low tone ..
Always politely acknowledged .

I just couldn't ignore the person
Its a personal choice I suppose .