To ignore the crying woman on the train

[Rainlady]

On the way back from dinner tonight, I noticed that a woman opposite me (across the aisle) on the train was quietly but audibly crying, sniffling.

There was also a woman sat directly opposite her, with headphones in who didnt seem to notice. I also had headphones on but could still hear.

I didn't ask if she was OK or anything because I didn't think it was any of my business, and thought she might just want to be left alone. (I probably would). But now I feel bad for not checking she was OK. Aibu for not saying anything?

Indeed. You never know who that one person who really really needs it, is. I'd happily take several f**k offs in order to catch that one.

However, age and associated confidence have helped. My younger self would've felt too embarrassed to help for fear of misjudging the situation or getting a mouthful. And going back even further, the self-absorbed teenager me wouldn't have even noticed.

I was stuck in an airport in Asia crying having lost my ticket home, alone, abroad and young. Not a single person asked if I was ok. Everyone just boarded the plane and just stared at me or walked right past me. I lost a bit of faith in humanity that day. I always ask people if they’re ok after that, I’d rather someone tell me to f*ck off than feel like the world generally doesn’t give a shit.

Once years ago, I was on my commute on a train into Victoria or out of Victoria, can’t recall which. Whilst I was on the train my friend told me my best friend who’d moved back to her home city had committed suicide (after mental illness). I was shocked but burst into tears and no one said a thing… maybe my friend shouldn’t have rung at that time.

I also worked for 5 years in Wimbledon and there were lots of jumpers at the station, it was almost a weekly occurrence. I never saw anyone who looked suicidal that I know of, but my colleague said her DM had been there at the same station with her grandson and had seen a train run over someone.

In the last 2 years I worked there they put up barriers and also Samaritans posters there but for a while I noticed lots of emergency vehicles attend the station. I was depressed due to workplace bullying whilst I worked there too.

I think now and based on this thread I think I would speak to someone crying on a train or in public.

I would probably have asked if there was anything I could do - did that for a very distressed woman on a flight - and if told no politely looked away thereafter. If there was anywhere to get a cup of tea offering that would have been kind, she might have been dehydrated. However when I was the crying person (just heard my father had died - not unexpected but a shock still) I would prefer for everyone to pretend they hadnt noticed. So I dont think there is a right answer but if their head is turned away maybe ignore and pretend not to notice.

No-one should stare or say cheer up love or any of the other inane comments sometimes made, usually by men.

Honestly I’m not sure what I’d have done, it would depend on her body language, did she want to be noticed or not, you can cry silently the fact she was making noise maybe indicated she wanted someone to ask.

I once was sat in a very busy McDonald’s with my husband and a middle aged homeless woman came in and sat at our table. She was crying. Honestly it was awful , she was also absolutely filthy , like visibly encrusted dirt level of filthy and the smell was genuinely overwhelming . She just sat there staring at me intently and silently weeping.

I said hi, smiled at her and asked if she was ok , if she wanted us to get her food or coffee or could help her. She didn’t respond. Just kept staring and crying. We stayed awhile and ultimately gave her our own food and left, I don’t think she ate it, when I looked back she was just sat crying. We didn’t alert staff as we didn’t wish her chucked out. It was winter and cold. I think maybe in hindsight she was sheltering from the weather and wanted to sit with us so staff didn’t chuck her out ie so it looked like she was with us.

what the hell do you do in that situation. You can’t just keep chatting normally and eating your chips with a homeless person who won’t speak sitting right next to you, staring intently ar you and crying, we didn’t want to appear rude to her and move table, she wasn’t responding to offers of help or food etc, so we let her sit there and stayed awhile and then left her our food.

I think I’d have asked if she was ok or needed something and then taken my cue from her response.

I wouldn't want anyone to speak to me if I was crying, but strangely enough I would be inclined to ask someone else. Even if they do not want a stranger's sympathy, they might like or need some practical help.

It's embarrasing to cry in public... the last thing I would want is a pitying audience, the once or twice it has happened to me I try to find a place as far away from anyone as possible.

I had a similarish thing a few months ago when I noticed a man sat unmoved in one spot his car all day (he said 'hi' and smiled at me like all neighbors here do earlier in the day as I first passed so alive and responsive etc...) but then sat there in the parked car ALL day.

I can only assume he had a fight with his wife/girlfriend and stewing on it waiting to appologise, my only other thought is he forgot his key (but honestly dont see why he would just sit there for that, theres plenty to do in the local area, I mean there a pub less than 1 minute walk, a shopping center 3 minute drive and a scenic walking path just meters away) or maybe if being paranoid hes a spy/undercover waiting for someone lol... who knows? but not my business to go interogate him about it.

If it was any of the above I doubt he wants a random women playing nosy parker.

I would ask, have done. Sometimes it’s welcomed, sometimes most definitely not. Only you could judge, at the time. No need to beat yourself up.

Asking if someone is ok is all well and good but it left me traumatised and 10 years later I’m unable to cry when I’m not a 100% sure I am alone.
I was 18 and my partner had just died and I left, left where we’d been living, left our child with his family, just left. I didn’t know at the time that I’d never return.
I took the train, I just needed to get away, and some busy body would always ask if I was ok, needed help getting home, called the conductors for help, got the police involved. I just wanted to disappear into the ground and get as far away from everything as possible.
Ask, but take no for an answer, give them space and maybe stop someone else from asking them if you see someone else approaching them. That’s the help I’d have wanted.

Ive been that person a few times due to emotional abuse. Honestly I don’t know if I’d have rathered people said something to me or not! I wouldn’t have got annoyed if they had, or offered me a tissue etc. But they couldn’t have done anything to help, I had to get out for myself.

I'd want to mostly be left alone, as when I've cried in public it's usually because I just can't keep it in anymore, rather than because I'm deeply distressed (e.g. after awful day in work). So I prefer to just quietly get on with it and then I feel better again. I'd welcome a tissue though.

She was obviously not OK so I'm glad you didn't ask her if she was, such a silly question

it is not a stupid question. It is clearly an opening remark to show that the person has noticed and cares about the distress of someone else.
Everyone understands this.

I don't think anyone is saying force your help on anyone. Of course take no for an answer but most people aren't busybodies, they just don't want people struggling alone if they want support. Most people are traumatised by no-one helping in the face of tragedy but it has to be the right kind of support, which might just be acknowledging your distress or being left in peace, but it might also be a listening ear. Unless you check it out with someone you can't possibly know.

Oh my god that’s so lovely. It’s that quiet sitting with. That’s made me well up.

It depends on the type of crying/distress, and whether I thought they might be under the influence as to whether I would dare to respond, which is a bit sad, but that's public transport. I would pay extra attention and try to read the situation at least. If i thought she didn't appreciate eye contact, I would politely pretend to ignore, but I'm also ready to listen to a stranger who needs help or an ear.

I have cried on trains. Something about downtime and not moving on a journey. Mostly I want to be ignored. A friendly look/smile/clean tissue wouldn't hurt, but I don't cry on public transport hoping for support, it's just a reflex!

Jesus. People aren’t expecting strangers to solve their problems. But knowing another human being cares about the distress your problems have caused you, really helps. As the many accounts on this thread show.

I have been suicidal and stood on the train platform. I now work in mental health. There is nothing lost by reaching out with compassion. There is a great deal
to be lost by doing nothing.

I few years back I was waiting in a hospital lobby for a lift home. There was a young (teenage?) mum sat there. She had a young toddler with her who was wriggly, whiny, throwing his dummy constantly etc and she was starting to get cross with him as she was trying to manage him alone whilst also reading a letter.

After a few minutes watching from a distance and noticing her getting crossed and crossed and baby upset as well at this point, I went and sat close to her but didn’t make co fact yet. My concern at this point was for baby and was expecting her to tell
me to F off.

I engaged baby initially, smiled and said hello etc. She glanced at me and I then saw that she was very tearful. I offered her a tissue and asked if she was ok, would she like me
to hold her child for a minute. She nodded tearfully and I sat her baby on my lap and asked if she needed anything.

She’d lost her dad the week before, had bought her baby for a hospital appointment today but there’d been a mix up and she didn’t understand what was happening or what she was meant to do next. With her permission I went to the desk and spoke to the lady there, explained the mums situation. The receptionist responded wonderfully and took over the mums care, sorting out what had happened with the appointment etc and making sure she was ok.

I often think about her. I’m glad I reached out. I think everyone else has just seen a teenage mum, unbrushed hair, getting cross with her baby and just written her off as a shit mum. But she was in need, and just needed someone to care enough to ask.

This is maybe true- that the older get the more confidence you have in intervening- and maybe more experience of “ there by the grace of god..” to know how important even a small act of kindness is to someone who is in trouble - even if they don’t want help just that act of small concern can make a tiny difference

I still remember one time when I was in my mid teens, in my way home - in fact at the end of my street - stopping to wipe off most of my eye makeup so I wouldn't get into trouble for wearing so much. S man pulled up alongside me in a car, obviously under the impression I was wiping away tears, and asked if I was OK.

I was a little embarrassed but I thanked him and brushed it off. He drove away but for over 20 years it's left me with the feeling that people care. The exact opposite of those of you who felt abandoned and like nobody cared. Those small actions mean so much and can make such a difference. I always always check in with people who seem upset. That one little act of caring made such an impression on me. What a lovely man.

It's a dilemma isn't it.. I would want to be totally ignored if it was me but if I saw someone crying I would want to help/hand a tissue.

I've been the crying one and the approacher (on the tube no less) and I'd say go for it, it usually makes both parties feel better. There should be no embarrassment in crying. But I appreciate it takes a certain confidence to approach someone. Don't feel guilty for not feeling confident enough.

A very casual, brief and quiet 'You ok?' is appropriate I think. Backing off immediately if it's not well received.
Although do be prepared to be given the full story and be asked for help!

I remember being on a ferry crossing to Rosslare and there was a young woman on it with silent tears rolling down her face. I went and sat beside her and gave her a tissue. I said if you want to talk I'll listen. After a bit she started talking. Not about why she was crying just about other things, silly life things. She crosses my mind at times and I hope life has been kind to her.

I’ve had a couple of bad responses when checking someone who seems distressed is OK / needs help with anything. One guy very aggressively told me to f*ck off, and when I was checking on someone collapsed in the street, their very drunk girlfriend decided to attack me, I’d still always stop and check on things though.

Can’t drive past when something doesn’t seem ok, if I do, I invariably find myself turning round and going straight back to see if the person is ok or I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something bad happened.

young man killed himself by jumping off a bridge over the motorway by us a while ago, I’ve since stopped at the bridge on 2 different occasions when someone has been just standing by the barrier. One was totally fine and just enjoying the breeze of the traffic as it’s passed underneath. The other turned out to be a young man who was very unhappy and could have been thinking about suicide, but after we chatted for a while, decided he felt ok to drive back home and to his parents. I still wonder and hope that he made it home and is doing ok.

I don’t understand how people can watch someone else in pain / distressed and not offer any sort of humanity towards them, I just don’t.