Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore the crying woman on the train

276 replies

Rainlady · 29/11/2022 23:43

On the way back from dinner tonight, I noticed that a woman opposite me (across the aisle) on the train was quietly but audibly crying, sniffling.

There was also a woman sat directly opposite her, with headphones in who didnt seem to notice. I also had headphones on but could still hear.

I didn't ask if she was OK or anything because I didn't think it was any of my business, and thought she might just want to be left alone. (I probably would). But now I feel bad for not checking she was OK. Aibu for not saying anything?

OP posts:
Kamia · 01/12/2022 20:18

I don't like sympathy when I'm crying I prefer to be left alone everyone is different.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 01/12/2022 20:19

Have been the one crying on the train and had my sunglasses on and didn't want anyone to approach me, and no one did.
I'm one of those that if someone had approached me I'd start crying more and be embarrassed as it would bring attention from the other passengers too.

Really depends on the person and how you'd act depends on how you are feeling yourself.

ForestofD · 01/12/2022 20:23

Yes, I do ask.

For those people who say they would hate it- that's fine. Politely decline any help and go on with your day.

But on the whole, a tiny piece of human interaction makes all the difference.

gluteustothemaximus · 01/12/2022 20:34

It doesn't have to be a big song and dance, just a little acknowledgment that you care.

Chances are if you ask if someone is ok, even if they're crying, they will say yes.

But for a stranger to be concerned that they are ok, it's always a nice thing to do.

I might not say are you ok, I might say, I'm sorry you're having a difficult day.

I walk to work over a railway bridge. A few months ago there was a note stuck on the bridge. It read 'thank you to the ladies who stopped to talk to me. You saved me. I am getting help. I am getting better. Thank you. James xxx'

It absolutely broke me, the thought that had those lovely ladies not stopped, James (whoever he is) might not be here.

Asking if someone is ok, is highly unlikely to send them over the edge. Not asking, might.

There's no right or wrong though, and each situation is different. In my job I see a lot of crying so it's really easy to ask if they're ok.

Benjispruce4 · 01/12/2022 20:46

Soon after my DM died, I had a wave of emotion in Morrisons and just tears came streaming down my face as I walked the aisles.One woman just squeezed my arm, gave me a smile and a tissue and it really really helped in that moment.

SoFreshAndSoCleanClean · 01/12/2022 20:47

I’m in NYC, where it would be more polite to give her her space and not acknowledge it. But I think you Brits might have more of a close-knit society, where it would be appropriate to ask if she’s okay.

VestaTilley · 01/12/2022 20:52

Twice I’ve seen women crying on the train or at a station. Both times I’ve asked them if they were ok. Too late now, and don’t beat yourself up; but if it were me I’d want somebody to ask.

Romeiswheretheheartis · 01/12/2022 20:59

If my daughter was alone and crying on a train, it breaks my heart to think no one might ask her if she was OK. As others have said, just to know someone cares can make all the difference.

Kellymumto2 · 01/12/2022 20:59

I’ve said YABU but only because you’ve done your own head in by not asking her. Ultimately everyone makes that choice to ask or not but I feel you wanted to as it’s playing on your mind and you now feel bad.

katepilar · 01/12/2022 21:02

I just wonder if you are one of those people who would ask the crying person if they were ok - what do you expect them to say? Or if you would ask if they needed any help? What sort of help would you be able to give them?

I personally would hate if a stranger talked to me and would possibly be rude to them.

itsmeagainagain · 01/12/2022 21:15

katepilar · 01/12/2022 21:02

I just wonder if you are one of those people who would ask the crying person if they were ok - what do you expect them to say? Or if you would ask if they needed any help? What sort of help would you be able to give them?

I personally would hate if a stranger talked to me and would possibly be rude to them.

@katepilar why would you be rude to them?

KelvingrovesBest · 01/12/2022 21:22

What has happened to society that we can’t say. Are you ok?
Its fine if the person doesn’t want to talk - for goodness sake let them know we care.
We were a caring community. Please please tell me this wasn’t in UK.
Im flabbergasted! Have we not heard of the Good Samaritan. Have we not learned to care for each other.

Lexilexci · 01/12/2022 21:42

A few weeks ago when I saw a teenager crying on the way home. It was a good thing I asked if she was ok, she had been bullied and chased home by some other girls. She injured herself whilst trying to escape. I escorted her home and on the way she disclosed all her other worries (parents divorcing, father remarrying, feeling worthless, blaming herself for everything that was going wrong). She believed no one cared about her and she felt she had no one to talk to.
In the end she asked me to talk to her mum on her behalf regarding her problems and I advised her I would contact the school regarding the incident which she was ok with.

All of this from just asking “Are you ok?”

The worst that could happen is they tell you to F off or you’ve provided a listening ear and compassion at a time when they feel at their lowest.

kazlau · 01/12/2022 22:08

I’d have asked if there was anything I could do for her if she said no I’d respect that. I’ve always been like that. I think I always will be.

LaDamaDeElche · 01/12/2022 23:33

You should always check someone is ok. If they want to be left alone, then respect that, but always check.

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 02/12/2022 00:58

When I doubt , offer the hand of friendship…

brookln · 02/12/2022 01:03

When my ex dumped me by text (and told me he's cheated on me), I sat on the beach and a woman came up to me after an hour and asked if I was okay as I was staring into the sea for a solid hour.

I told her and she spoke to me for a little while. I'll never forget her kindness.

Also when I took my colicky/refluxy newborn to a GP and he just fobbed me off again, a woman waiting at reception helped me with the door as I was leaving and she's asked if I am okay. I burst into tears and said 'it's hard', she said 'I know' and she had the most caring understanding look. She helped me to the car as I sobbed from exhaustion. I'll never forget her and she probably thinks of me some times 🙃

Please check in on others.

Blueink · 02/12/2022 01:16

@gluteustothemaximus the story of James made me cry! There’s quite a few examples on here where people’s lives have been saved or they’ve got to safety (fleeing domestic violence) or been supported in harrowing moments (after abuse, shocking news).

I totally get those saying you are embarrassed don’t want to draw attention to yourself etc, as we can’t always control our emotions when we’d like to in public. If isn’t obvious unless we check.

Although I’m feeling embarrassed ot not wanting to draw attention it’s still surprising how much a member of the public discretely checking in or showing a kindness (this has always been done respectfully without being intrusive) can make you feel even a little better. “I’m fine, thanks for asking” or “just been a difficult day, I’m ok though, thanks ” or whatever and we both go on our way, but it’s broken the aloneness or put me into a rational headspace to call a friend or whatever.

nalabae · 02/12/2022 01:53

I went to Notting hill carnival. There was this girl about 35 crying on the floor. I asked her what’s wrong she said her battery died and her friends left her; I said she can come with me and my friend or call her friends if she knows anyone number.

my friend looked at me like I was weird and said fuk that.

nalabae · 02/12/2022 01:54

There’s something called KINDNESS and HUMAN COMPASSION.

many seem to lack including my friend (and I told her this!)

magma32 · 02/12/2022 02:03

i would ask if they’re ok and let them know where I’m sat if they need to talk and just leave it at that. Yes some people don’t want to be noticed but some do, you can’t read minds so this way the offer is there with no pressure.

MyMumSaysALot · 02/12/2022 02:21

This is a little different but…
Once, in a Target Store in California, we could hear screaming & yelling & crying - when we got to the checkout, a little boy sitting in a trolley was having a complete & total meltdown. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it before or since.
His mother remained calm and went thru the checkout and parked the trolley at the front of the store - but that child just continued wailing and screaming. I don’t know how she remained so calm. Every single person in the store was silent and was staring at her. Like - just give your kid the toy or candy or whatever it is he wants so he’ll shut the f**k up!!
To her credit, she remained strong. As we left and walked by her, I gave her arm a squeeze in solidarity. I didn’t know what else to do, but she was amazing. She never broke.

newfriend05 · 02/12/2022 02:41

I've been you and I ask the women if she was ok

MRex · 02/12/2022 05:07

I know people mean well, but you guys have to stop seeing someone in distress and saying "Are you ok?". Clearly they are not ok, be sensible, what's the value to you in making an unhappy person say "I'm fine" to meet social convention? If you want to help then just actually say "Can I help?", or "I'm here if you want to talk".

Imissmoominmama · 02/12/2022 07:44

After my mum died, I was crying in a cafe and trying to hide it. A young man on the next table touched my knee and said, “It’s ok to leak- we all do it sometimes.”

I was so grateful for his gentle kindness. He must’ve only been around 19/20 too.