To ignore the crying woman on the train

[Rainlady]

On the way back from dinner tonight, I noticed that a woman opposite me (across the aisle) on the train was quietly but audibly crying, sniffling.

There was also a woman sat directly opposite her, with headphones in who didnt seem to notice. I also had headphones on but could still hear.

I didn't ask if she was OK or anything because I didn't think it was any of my business, and thought she might just want to be left alone. (I probably would). But now I feel bad for not checking she was OK. Aibu for not saying anything?

wow , 2 females see another one in so
much distress she is crying in public. Neither offers kindness, a tissue , comfort , lends an ear.
What has our world come to ?
Am
shocked.

I've cried on the train a few times. There have been at least 3 occasions when I had to get myself home after bad family news. Each time, several kind people quietly and carefully checked in and offered water / mints / tissues and in one case food. Another three occasions I was taken ill or injured myself on a tube or train and other passengers took care of me. The people, moments and kindness stay with me. Please do try to gently check in if you see someone in distress. It only takes a quiet word, smile or gesture.

To gently acknowledge someone in obvious distress- I have done it, and never been told to ''Fuck off''..even if I was, it wouldn't matter.
I too have cried on a train, it's horrible. {Silent tears}..

Definitely!
The kindness of strangers.I remember the kind ones, too.

What a dismal society we are living in when someone is distressed and no one is asking if they need help. How depressing.

It really depends on the person. I once offered a crying woman on the train a (clean) handkerchief, she looked at me in terror and basically ran out of the train at the next station. Some people might appreciate a helpful gesture, others might feel mortified. There’s no right or wrong because it’s impossible to say what the person would prefer until you offer them anything.

I would try to catch her eye first, before I ask if she's OK, but chances are if she's sniffling to herself she just wants to be left alone..

I’d always gently ask if I could do anything for someone obviously in distress, couldn’t ignore

I can’t imagine seeing someone cry and not asking if they were ok.

I agree. A simple ‘are you ok?’ is all it would take. I’d rather be told to fuck off than leave someone in distress!

It dosnt cost anything to make sure someone upset is ok. I would always ask. Even if they say they are fine ( which is what I’d do) I’d probably still check at some point later on. Most people will automatically say they are fine so as not to bother others. Asking if they are sure they are ok or if you can do anything to help a little while later reassures them they can say if something is wrong.

i would never say I’m upset to a complete stranger, even to people I know regardless if I’m crying or not, I’d always say I’m fine. Them asking me later if I’m sure by saying, you don’t look it, would show me they had a real concern and not just asking for the sake of it.

As someone else said, I’d probably be vigilant too, just to make sure they are ok and someone else isn’t taking their vulnerability as a sign to target them.

Everyone’s different, I’d be happy to have been left well alone.

I think people that live in cities see upset people in public regularly and it can be the default to not want to involve yourself. Not to be morbid - you sort of weigh up your reaction to the situation at hand. once I sat with a crying girl on a train platform for an hour as I seriously was concerned she would hurt herself there and then whereas that might not have been the case with the lady you saw.

Personally I cried a bit on a train because I moved away from my hometown at university and was feeling stressed. Train visits back make me feel nostalgic. I didn’t want other passengers to think I was in distress though. I’d be mortified if someone commented/noticed.

Giver and receiver here. I tripped on an uneven pavement running to the bus once, and fell on my elbow. A lovely young girl stopped and picked me up and checked I was ok. Then on the bus, shocked and not realising how badly I'd injured my elbow, I suddenly noticed blood running and dripping onto my shoes. Another kind young lady handed me a wad of tissues and made me sit down. Several people looked disgusted and moved away from me. She sat with me and made sure I was feeling ok until my stop..

Returning from work on the bus, we stopped at a major pick-up point, and people filed on. The lady driver answered her phone while they were doing so, then suddenly burst into the most awful animal-like wail. People just stared at her, not knowing what to do. The driver then exited the bus and sat on the edge of the footpath, feet in the gutter, screaming and rocking herself. No-one knew what to do, no-one moved. So I left the bus and sat down beside her, feet in the gutter, and put an arm around her. Between sobs she explained that she'd just been told that her son had been killed on his bike. It took 15 minutes for someone from the bus company to come and pick her up, and bring a replacement driver. I just held and hugged her all that time and let her cry. That poor, poor woman.

I had to fly alone across the world when I had a sudden and devastating bereavement. In more than 24 hours of travel, with three flights plus transits, not one person spoke to me or acknowledged my distress. I did my best not to cry publicly but there’s only so many times you can go to the loo in a plane to cry.

At the time I fully absorbed in my own thoughts but also embarrassed at my public grief. However I’ve never forgotten that long lonely journey and a kind word from someone would have meant the world. Not even the airline staff said anything. I’ve vowed ever since to always talk to someone if I saw them upset.

I do think it is hard what to do in this situation, I have been in it quite a few times now and in my experience just a gentle "are you okay" or something like that is rarely taken badly. One time, last year my eyes were streaming because of the wind (sensitive eyes) and someone asked if I was okay - and it still makes me grateful that they bothered to ask! I think you have to create the world you want to live in, whether that's hard or not, and I think that is what is lingering with you - you are not creating the world you want to live in, because you are a caring person. This is a good thing and you shouldn't change who you are.

I would have said something.

A was sent to the house of a colleague to pick up on a project he was working on - TBH that was unusual enough but as it was a project I was interested in I really didn't mind and didn't think too much about why I was being asked to go to his house: I want told why. I didn't know him very well at all, he was actually a rival in some respects as we shared an unusual set of similar skills but he worked at the other end of the office so our paths never really crossed. Anyway it soon became apparent to him that I had no idea why he was at home and off work - that's literally what he said to me. He told me that his son had died in a tragic accident at home - I won't go into the details. The thing that has stuck with me for life is that he said people never know what to say - in fact one of the most hurtful things, he found, was that people will go out of their way to avoid saying anything - he'd noticed that people in the village, neighbours, people he knew, would cross the road or avoid eye contact, anything, to avoid having to talk to him for fear of saying the wrong thing - he'd found it very hurtful. He said - "I wouldn't have known what to say either"... He said to me "always say something - even when you don't know what to say" - I think of him every time I'm in those types of situation - I've never regretted saying something when those rare occasions have presented themselves.

Simon Armitage wrote this as part of the Northern Trains scheme to cut suicides on the train network. I thought it was very powerful... And so simple.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=vBfMjvSM_qQ

Maybe next time then eh?

Great link.

And yes would have asked is she ok. Having a tissue handy would also be helpful. Empathising with another person in pain is important as we’ve all hurt at one time or another, and knowing that someone cares is comforting. There’s degrees to which we are hurting; it might just a minor thing and so we may think we’d rather just be left alone, or something more serious, but the other person won’t know so the best option is to always show empathy. I think this is why you were in two minds OP. You obviously care hence posting about it on here, but regardless of the situation I don’t think you can go wrong by showing it. Agree with a PP about not coming up with “it can’t be that bad” (although it’s better than nothing) as we don’t know their situation.

I know this is just about someone on a train but we’ve all heard stories of people being talked out of committing suicide by people they’ve only just met; this is the most extreme example of how impactful showing empathy is. I was looking for another case (woman in San Francisco who talked a young fella out of jumping from a bridge) but came across a similar one.

www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/23-year-old-woman-saves-man-jumping-off-bridge-god-purpose-everyone-135551047.html

“I questioned myself, should I stop? Then something in my gut told me he needs you,” the 23-year-old from Clearwater, Fla., tells Yahoo Lifestyle.

In the short moments that she took to contemplate her next move, the man appeared to be readying to jump off the bridge. Oyola sprung into action, pulled over, and ran over to the stranger to offer some compassion.

I’ve been in both situations.

once when I was crying on a long haul flight and a lovely lady asked what was wrong and I told her. She was so lovely and it really helped. I’ll never forget her or the kindness she showed me.

Prior to thisI’ve seen people publicly upset I think my own awkwardness around how to approach the situation held me back from offering support.

I think now after having that kindness shown to me, I’d like to think I’d approach the situation with the kindness I have received and at least offer a tissue as a gesture of support. Whether they wanted to talk or not.

I don’t think we find it easy to navigate public displays of emotion so I understand how people don’t respond in those situations.

I saw someone crying on the train once and asked if she was ok, she asked for a hug. She explained that she'd just been with her dad and he'd passed away after after a very short battle with cancer. I was the only person to ask if she was ok. We are still in touch almost 5 years later!! Turns out we were from the same village which neither of us knew at the time.

My dad was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer 10 years ago following emergency surgery. He died 3 months after diagnosis.

At the time of initial diagnosis I flew over to to see him in hospital, taking my breastfed 4 month daughter with me.

I was a mess, lots of tears, and I am forever grateful to the mother, travelling with her 3 young children, who shared her snacks with me and held my baby so I could go the toilet. She knew I was upset and was so kind and warm, without being overly intrusive.

Yes you were U. Always say something. Even if it was “I don’t have a tissue for you, sorry”.

It can be nice just to be acknowledged, worse to have a carriage of people avoiding eye contact when obviously distressed. You ask discretely if they’re ok (even if u don’t have a tissue to offer) without drawing loads of attention.

I spoke to a woman crying on a train. She seemed grateful for the opportunity to connect and share they were going through a station for the first time since they had been there with a now bereaved friend. She also smiled and thanked me when she got off.

I was silently crying and feeling distressed in public recently, a bit annoying people who were staring, but might have been comforting to be asked if I’m ok and to say I’d had a bad day. A tissue offered would’ve been a bonus, but not essential.

I was crying in the street the other day. I lost a lovely, funny client to drugs. Managed to get out the door of work because I'm certainly not crying in front of my team (I am the one they cry on). I had my sunglasses on, turned away from people, scarf up. Clearly didn't want anyone to talk to me. If I'd been on a train I would have been in the corridor, looking out the window. Because I didn't want interaction.

This women was sniffing in the carriage. There' a good chance she needed someone. Costs noting to ask, "do you need anything?" Quietly. Mind you I'm that person who always asks, wakes up the bloke passed out in the doorway, just in case. An interfering busybody, really! A lot of people don't want that.

Like pp I’ve been in both situations. A tissue never goes amiss when offered, no words are needed. I always have a pack of tissues with me and have done this. I remember the woman on the bus next to me who quietly said, ‘I’m sorry for your troubles’ an acknowledgement of my sadness which was all I needed. The man on the train opposite me who handed me a note saying he was sorry and he hoped things would get better for me. It can feel very lonely crying in public and being ignored.

The lady next to me was crying once and I asked how she was & gave her some tissues. I got her a cuppa when the snack trolley came round & she started to calm down. She'd recently moved to the UK from Australia to be with her boyfriend and he'd dumped her for someone else.

She was moving to London to start a new job so she could save up to return home after 6 months. She was grateful for a listening ear because she was feeling homesick. It's sad that as humans we ignore visible signs of distress but prefer virtue signalling with be kind slogans on social media instead.