To ignore the crying woman on the train

[Rainlady]

On the way back from dinner tonight, I noticed that a woman opposite me (across the aisle) on the train was quietly but audibly crying, sniffling.

There was also a woman sat directly opposite her, with headphones in who didnt seem to notice. I also had headphones on but could still hear.

I didn't ask if she was OK or anything because I didn't think it was any of my business, and thought she might just want to be left alone. (I probably would). But now I feel bad for not checking she was OK. Aibu for not saying anything?

Coming back to this thread, there have often been times if I’ve cried in public where I didn’t want someone to set me off again so don’t appreciate kind words.

I’ve actually recalled years ago my DM and I were on a long train journey and a young woman near us suddenly got very upset (in 90s so mobile phones were in use). DM asked if she was ok and had a chat to her and offered to get her a cup of tea and a biscuit/cookie. Turned out the young woman had suddenly had a piece of good news about her sick relative she was going to see (come out of a coma) on her phone and she was crying with relief but she found it helpful to talk to us. She said many of her colleagues and friends found it hard to talk about this incident. One of those train journeys that go on forever too so we swapped life stories too.

You imply that British attitudes have changed for the worse. I don’t think so. I think people are more likely now to offer support in this situation than they were, say, fifty years ago.

I would always just say, you seem upset, can I help? And leave it at that if she said no. It mostly helps imo to know that there are people out there who care enough to ask. Don't feel bad though, it's hard to know what to do for the best. I remember offering to help a visually in Mairead lady who'd lost her shoe on the tube and was scrabbling around, and I got an earful for assuming she couldn't do it herself! I'd still rather offer though and risk the backlash.

'GonnaGetGoingReturns · Today 08:01

Coming back to this thread, there have often been times if I’ve cried in public where I didn’t want someone to set me off again so don’t appreciate kind words.'

Yeah, happens to me when I'm upset too. On balance though, I think I'd rather a sign of human compassion, or alternatively lock myself in the loo for a while if it was too overwhelming.

Oh definitely. Ask if someone’s ok. The other week I was let go from my work contract suddenly and of course I cried. I cried in the street (luckily a side street!) and I can’t recall seeing f I cried along the Euston Road but I was too concerned with getting home and if anyone had asked me what was wrong it’d have been nice but on the Thameslink train, again, mid morning, no one bothered to see if I was ok which is slightly disturbing. I’m one of those people who cry openly in public but I’d rather be this way than bottle it up.

I saw Roman Kemp’s documentary on depression and suicide in young men and the message there was to ask twice if someone is ok, not just once.

Some people may not offer to help from fear of saying the wrong thing, though. If someone sincerely asks, are you ok? I think it's fairly universal for, can I help? We can't chastise people for word use when intent is everything.

I think as I’ve got older fear of saying the wrong thing has largely disappeared from my life.
I mean I wouldn’t go around challenging people in car parks on their parking like some on here favour. But if I think someone might need help I’ll ask if they need anything and if I get a mouthful back then I can cope.

Thats exactly what I think, too. I guess it sounds a bit different to British born people then it sounds to others. It seems to be more of a code than a question.

Twice I've encountered solo women crying in public places. Both times I've offered a tissue. One time was on the London underground. The second time was a foreign tourist at the National Portrait Gallery.

It really just means "is there anything I can do or do you want me to leave you alone"?

The only place I wouldn't ask it is the scenario where someone is crying on the edge of a railway platform, because leaving them alone is simply not safe, and because there's really nowhere to take the conversation after that if they do say they're ok.

Unfortunately all our local stations are unstaffed.

'Are you ok?', while not a technically perfect question in these circumstances, is a fairly standard opener. If the person says 'yes' or 'I'm fine thanks', it clearly doesn't mean they are ok, more that they want to be left alone with whatever is bothering them. I don't think anyone is trying to drag the 'I'm fine' response out of them to 'meet social convention', more that they are giving that person the opportunity to share the source of their distress without putting them under pressure.

That isn't true unfortunately. Most people respond to "how are you?" as "fine thanks" and "are you ok" as "yes thanks"; research is something like over 3/4 of people who aren't fine will say they are fine. So, is that useful, or should you try something else? If you say "can I help?" then you acknowledge the person is not fine, you've got that out of the way for them and moved the conversation to the next stage. Even better would be "what can I do to help?", but that can be intrusive with a stranger who might not need input. Words matter, if you genuinely want to help then consider which ones are most likely to be useful.

What I’d do or like to think I’d do whether it’s someone homeless (a couple of years ago but a woman who looked homeless and probably had a drugs/alcohol addiction) it was this time of year so I asked if she was ok, she said no, I asked what I could do to help, got her a coffee and croissant and gave her some change I had on me.

For me, if I had time, I’d ask if they were ok, needed a chat and tea/coffee and if I had time actually take 20 minutes to have a coffee with them. That’s because I know say when I worked somewhere once and there was an upset/drama, the young office manager always took you out for a coffee/tea to ask you what was wrong rather than have you upset in the office. This was great as you got some fresh air and didn’t feel embarrassed. When I was stressed and upset at my work recently a colleague twice took me for tea/coffee in our on-site cafe and lunch in our on-site restaurant. But I didn’t feel wholly comfortable talking there, knowing I could be overheard by colleagues but I still went there for a chat.

I think either phrase helps. You don’t have to be pedantic in your choice of words.

I’ve asked people if they’re ok and it’s opened up a dialogue. The mere fact someone stops to ask if someone is ok is a good sign. If you follow up with what can I do to help, great.

"I want to say I help, but I don't want to help enough to use words more likely to actually lead to the person asking for help."

It may seem a pedantic choice of words to you but different people understand words and phrases differently for various reasons - how and where they were brought up, how their brains works, what their usual social bubble is etc.

Just an example /slightly different situation/ - I often have tourists stare at me like I am crazy just because I ask them "Do you need help?" because they dont understand I am offering help with finging their way when they are helplessly looking at the map.

Language does indeed make a big difference; there’s another thread about the Mental Health First Aid course, and there’s a section in that about the language we use to assist people in distress / get real answers, not just the socially polite ‘I’m fine’

It happens, un unfortunately😐

I think my main problem with this breakdown is that the average person crying in public is quite probably absolutely fine, they're just having a bad day.

When it comes to MH first aid, it tends to be the ones who aren't crying that I worry about...

Yes I tend to agree with this

I have to say that I'm cautious of getting involved in anyone's life dramas after previous experiences of offering help to strangers.

I'd be happy to offer a tissue and ask if someone is OK but then that also opens the door to them spilling their life story and problems and I probably haven't got time or capacity for that if I'm on the train. I've also got enough of my own problems.

The default position should be “are you ok”?

Regardless of what you think the reaction will be (and really you shouldn’t be thinking that far ahead), showing compassion to another human being is the bare minimum you can do.

“Just a bad day”...that’s guesswork.

As i said above, we shouldn’t be thinking about any possible reaction nor should we play amateur psychologist. The only thought should be about what is actually happening, and if someone is upset, the least we can do is show empathy towards them.

I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say, but it seems you're trying to suggest that asking if someone is OK is not showing empathy... which I confess, baffles me.

But, believe me, you should absolutely be thinking about possible reactions. There are multiple ways that approaching people can go wrong, both for you and for them, especially if they're agitated or not in touch with reality.

This is particularly the case on the railway where the quickest method of escape is likely to be onto the tracks... and likewise, if they push you, you might end up there yourself!

I always ask, and I always ask twice, if I’m told the first time that they are ok but clearly do not appear to be. Never been met with any hostility.

I’ve also openly wept in public during difficult periods of my life and have never been approached. During those times I would have welcomed it even though no one could have helped me.