To ignore the crying woman on the train

[Rainlady]

On the way back from dinner tonight, I noticed that a woman opposite me (across the aisle) on the train was quietly but audibly crying, sniffling.

There was also a woman sat directly opposite her, with headphones in who didnt seem to notice. I also had headphones on but could still hear.

I didn't ask if she was OK or anything because I didn't think it was any of my business, and thought she might just want to be left alone. (I probably would). But now I feel bad for not checking she was OK. Aibu for not saying anything?

I've been on a couple of forums where I've "known" usernames for several years - posted on the same threads and on 2 occasions I've PM'd people after they've posted quite worrying messages very late at night - I sent my mob number and said ring me anytime. One did just message me back - he was just drunk and high on something - life was hard looking after a disabled child and holding a sh!t job down - I'm still in touch with him now and again years after this - life never seems to get any better for him but he seems more grounded now.

A few years back, I saw a woman with a baby crying at the bus station. I asked her if she was OK and she looked embarrassed but said she was fine. Same with a homeless woman a few Christmases back. Again, just asked if I could do anything or if she needed food/drink and again was gratefully received.
I would always ask. Lots of people are suffering, especially now. A bit of concern and support makes all the difference

Thanks to those who shared there stories, it’s a great thread OP and the whole comforting so many Mums Netters willing risk being a bit embarrassed to discretely offer support. If it’s not needed or wanted or someone might have reacted embarrassed in the moment, it doesn’t mean they didn’t appreciate it, even in hindsight.

For those who looked out for vulnerable people as well, thank you. Not crying, but I never forgot a woman approaching to help me when I was 17/18, she had noticed a man was following me. A long time ago, but still remember her kindness and face and got to safely because of her.

Sad for PP who felt so alone when no-one offered help. From the thread, there may be people out there who still wonder about you and regret it.

A bit of embarrassment on either side is nothing compared to ensuring someone is safe. Imagine if your DC was in distress and didn’t complete their journey because of fear of embarrassment, assuming they don’t want help or not wanting to get involved? That’s what this post made me reflect on.

*their and typos sorry

polyglot omg that's awful.And well done to you for being the only one to comfort her.

I would make eye contact and give them a tissue, I might let them know I'm happy to talk if they need to (if it felt appropriate) then leave them in peace.

There's nothing worse than being bombarded with questions when you are upset, if you genuinely want to be left alone to try to gather yourself together. But I think giving someone the opportunity to offload is the kind thing to do and could go a long way especially if, for example,someone is considering doing something drastic.

@Newlifestartingatlast that's interesting. Younger me had no quarms about speaking to strangers on public transport, but since then I've been physically attacked and verbally abused, and had alcohol thrown at me for not being appropriately invisible and on one occasion, flashed.

Age and experience has made me a quiter and less interactive passenger.

I am not in or near London, either.

I've cried on the train home from London a few times for various reasons. Work stress, family illness, bereavement, miscarriage. Nobody has ever done more than a brief glance at me and I am very relieved that's the case. On no occasion did I want to be sat crying and given how cramped train carriages are having someone speak to me about it, and others overhear would have have added to my distress.

In my world, it kind of goes without saying that you were unreasonable. I can't imagine myself ignoring her.

I was at a train station where a young women was very upset and crying. I went up to her and asked if she was okay and if there was anything I could do. She said thanks but no thanks. I left her to it but honestly couldn’t ignore her because of her obvious distress

I try to always have a packet of tissues for such times and have handed them out a few times. I have never been told to mind my own business and it’s those small gestures that give people a hope for humanity.

I always ask someone in they are ok if I see them upset in public. I can’t not. Most are embarrassed but sure later they appreciate someone cared

I’ve also been this woman, on two very different occasions. I was embarrassed to be making such a display, but really just wanted to be left alone. However, the wad of tissues pressed into my hand on one occasion was welcome.

In a world that doest care, I would have quietly asked if she was OK.

Why didn't you?

There is no excuse for being uncaring. If she wanted to be left alone she'd indicate that.

If I was upset I wouldn't be sitting on a table on a blooming train. I'd be in the quiet area sitting in airline style by a window.

Gosh. I'm a big cryer but never in public. I would think to cry in public, especially audibly, ie not just a silent tear sliding down the face, must be prompted by something extremely major. So yes, I think I would ask them if they were OK. I am a little saddened to think her obvious distress went commented on.

Oh FFS. Un commented on.

In that situation I would have leaned across or moved to sit next to her and said "Are you oik? Is there anything I can do/you need?" and then gone from there

I would hate to be noticed! So I think you did the right thing. Unless she actually caught your eye.

I’d have just said are you ok.

Woman at bus stop was crying. Daytime. Reluctantly asked if she was ok. Said she’d been mugged recently, problem with benefit payments, no money. Bus drivers wouldn’t let her on for free. I paid for her bus fare and gave her £5. May not have approached a fellow rail passenger though. Different circumstances

I can't ignore obviously distressed people, but I work in healthcare so I guess it's hardwired into me. I would've passed a tissue or something.

I’ve seen this plenty of times and always offer a mouthed “are you ok?” And a tissue. I did same to a woman who was crying whilst sitting next to her partner who was telling her to shut up and stop making a spectacle of herself. I still think of her and if she was ok. I did ask and she shook her head and mouthed thank you . I was willing to go in all ‘old school friend after years asking if it was really her’ as a means of distraction. And would do same again if I saw it.

This one happened to me, it was a couple of days after I had buried my brother, I was on a train and suddenly the tears came and I just couldn't stop them. I wasn't weeping and wailing but it was obvious that I was upset. The guy sitting next to me just moved and noone else sat down, must have been put off by my red snotty face 😂😜

I’ve been the person crying and always remember a kind young lady, probably only 20 or so noticing and asking if I was ok. I said yes (a lie!) and she said is there anyone you want to call and asked if I wanted to use her phone. I actually had my phone on me and it encouraged me to ring my partner/parents. I am forever grateful to her for her small act of kindness and caring.

Pressed send too soon, whilst I understand it to some extent it would have made all the difference to me if someone had just reached out. I would always try and reach out, the other person can always say they don't want to talk but what a difference it would have made to me, I didn't really need anything but someone to say something small.