To ignore the crying woman on the train

[Rainlady]

On the way back from dinner tonight, I noticed that a woman opposite me (across the aisle) on the train was quietly but audibly crying, sniffling.

There was also a woman sat directly opposite her, with headphones in who didnt seem to notice. I also had headphones on but could still hear.

I didn't ask if she was OK or anything because I didn't think it was any of my business, and thought she might just want to be left alone. (I probably would). But now I feel bad for not checking she was OK. Aibu for not saying anything?

I am sorry this happened and no one helped.

When I've been the crying woman on the train I wanted to be left strictly alone. Sympathy would have made the crying worse. Mind you, in that situation I stare fixedly at my shoes or out of the window in the hope no-one will notice.

@Schlaar - I think I may be about to post the other half of this story. If that was you thank you.

I always ask because many years ago I lost my partner in horrible circumstances whilst pregnant. I was an inconsolable wreck on the way home and a lady stopped to ask if I was OK, and took the time to talk to me. I don't remember very much of our conversation but I do remember realising I had a feeling that I now know is hope.

I am sure I would have jumped that day had the lady not stopped me.

I now always ask "Is there anything that I can do to help you / Is there anything you would like me to do".

I'd ask gently if there was anything I could do to help. It's just a human gesture. That said I have cried on public transport (relationship break up) and just wanted to disappear so was happy to be ignored in that scenario.

This isn't like confronting someone. The absolute "worst" that can happen is that the person is like no I'm ok thanks. The best that can happen is you male life so much easier for that person.

It is very unlikely you will be injured for speaking to them.

@PurplePastaBake

I am so sorry that happened to you. The world can be an awful place.

I was crying on the train one day and two girls in their early 20s started laughing at me and saying “don’t worry love, you’ll get over him” calling me pathetic and embarrassing to each other. I had just found out my mum had cancer.

I learned how nasty strangers can be that day, I was only 23 at the time.

I would have asked if she was ok would seem more awkward for me to ignore

I came across a young man sitting in the walkway of a bridge sobbing. It was dark and cold. I asked him if he was ok, he said yes. I said ‘well you obviously aren’t’ and sat down next to him. As I sat down guards from either side of the bridge came sprinting over and thanked me and said ‘we’ve got him, thank you so much for stopping’
the bridge was a notorious suicide spot and I don’t think they’d seen him on the cameras until I stopped and then sat down.

Always, always check in with someone in distress if it’s safe for you. You could save someone’s life with a few gentle words or at the very least let them know you care about them which is such a basic human need.

Jeez how cruel I'm sorry

This thread has made me cry because of how powerful the kindness of strangers is. For the lady who remembers the man 30 years ago 💐.

I was sat in a park in Madrid and a lady came and sat next to me. She was crying and pouring out her story and all I could do was nod sympathetically and offer the odd word. She asked me a direct question and I had to confess in poor Spanish that I didn’t speak Spanish. 😳 She went quiet - then she thanked me and said (I think!) she’d been glad to talk. I think something had happened to her son and I’m glad I didn’t get up and walk away even though I had no clue what was going on.

I've quietly handed over a pack of tissues and a bar of chocolate and squeezed her hand. Got a watery smile in return.

would want someone to notice and at least ask or hand me a tissue. There’s nothing worse than feeling invisible when distressed

This. If it’s an ordinary life thing, her rabbit died or something, and she’d tart her be left alone, it’s not that bad if you ask her if she’s ok and she shrugs you off.

But if she is genuinely in despair and feeling alone, being noticed by another human being who is concerned for you can mean everything and bring you back from the brink.

So it’s always worth reaching out.

Should have said ‘she’d rather’ not ‘tart her!’

Why would you ignore this lady, then post about it on a public forum to make it all about you?

Because it's troubling her and she wants to see what other people would do.

I'd have asked.

Last week I was in Starbucks at a busy hospital and having just left my mum on a ward I fell apart in the queue. Big snotty sobs. The git behind me just coughed as I'd not noticed the queue had moved.

Maybe I was ugly crying and deemed unapproachable. But I could have desperately used a kind word or even a (previously considered patronising) hand on the shoulder. Meh.

I wouldn't have wanted to get involved but I couldn't not have said anything. I never have tissues but this post has made me always want to carry them now!

All these people helped by a simple can I help? Here's a tissue. The bar of chocolate. The connection. The acknowledgement that something bad has happened.

This is a beautiful thread.

I am touched by the stories of those who wish someone had reached out in your time of need and I'm sorry no one did.

My instinct would be to leave whoever is crying alone, because I hate to intrude.

Reading your stories made me re-think.

That, and if you are female, a sanitary towel. You never know when you'll be in the loo and someone will ask for one.

I would have asked if I could get you a drink and sat you down and bought it over.

Yes, I would have asked. I have done it several times before.

I'm really glad that I've read this thread. I have done my fair share of crying on trains and I never wanted anyone to talk to me. The last time it was because I was leaving my son for the first time overnight to go on a work trip, and I would not have had the capacity to explain that to someone. So because of this, I never ask either. But from now on I will. I don't carry tissues, but asking are you ok, do you need anything seems like a good strategy.

Crikey I'm going to need a bigger bag! Honestly though this thread has been strangely heartwarming and although I have sanitary towels at home I will don't have tissues but will make a point of buying some today. Not handing out chocolate though - that's just a step too far!