To ignore the crying woman on the train

[Rainlady]

On the way back from dinner tonight, I noticed that a woman opposite me (across the aisle) on the train was quietly but audibly crying, sniffling.

There was also a woman sat directly opposite her, with headphones in who didnt seem to notice. I also had headphones on but could still hear.

I didn't ask if she was OK or anything because I didn't think it was any of my business, and thought she might just want to be left alone. (I probably would). But now I feel bad for not checking she was OK. Aibu for not saying anything?

If I’d been near enough to her I’d PROBABLY have asked if she was ok / if there was anything I could do etc, but I think politely ignoring is fine too.

This thread has made me wonder if I should be carrying a pack of tissues around in case anyone bursts into tears!

I was just thinking the same thing

I've cried on the train recently a couple of times because of a close relative dying. Three different people gently looked to catch my eye, so I did a half smile each time to show they shouldn't talk and they got the message. Sometimes people are just very sad, they don't always want nor need help.

If it's hard to catch someone's eye then I think it's fine to say "can I help?" quietly too, and hand over a tissue if needed. As long as you're prepared to give them privacy if they shake their head.

I sat in my car in a car park sobbing, full on head on steering wheel sobbing, a man knocked on my window and said ‘I know it’s none of my business but is there anything I can do to help you’
there wasn’t so I just thanked him. 30 years on I still remember his kindness

I think if I was on a train I would like the silent tissue pass approach

Yes, I asked a woman. if she was fine and needed help.

I sobbed on a tram once, intermittently. No-one asked me how I was. A woman gave me a tissue though and squeezed my hand as she passed by which was nice though. People don't know what to say or how to approach. My mum had phoned me whilst I was working to tell me my cousin had committed suicide. They were all heading off to my aunts house in another city and I needed to get home to join them.

If I was in this situation, I'd probably try to make eye contact first and then ask if anything was needed.

She was obviously not OK so I'm glad you didn't ask her if she was, such a silly question.
Saying something like, 'is there anything I can do for you?' is much more sensible and useful.
I do regret not stopping to try to help a very young woman holding a tiny baby at a bus stop who was sobbing. It was years ago, probably 2 decades, but I can still see her vividly and I wish I had stopped to offer her a ride, money, whatever I could.

Not a crying woman on a train, but was taken into hospital on Sunday morning and in the treatment lounge waiting for test results, a young chap in his 20s came in with someone, who after a while realised was his father.

The young guy was waiting to go to surgery and his father didn't want to hang around, so buggered off home. Young chap did start to have a cry.. we were all there in a tough situation in one way or another, so I just said to him "bit of a tough day?" (bloody stupid thing to say), but we had a bit of a chat and he seemed to relax a bit.

If it helped him, that's good enough for me.

This was me once. I was making a 7 hour train journey home after being raped on a weekend away. Unbeknownst to me at the time the assault had left me with a fractured coccyx so as well as being distressed I was also in agony and struggling to sit down. It would have been clear to everyone I wasn’t ok. I wanted more than anything for someone to just ask if I was ok, or sit with me. Instead everyone stared and avoided me. I was 19, vulnerable and terrified and I’ve never felt more alone than I did on that journey.

I had to make a connection about an hour from home and I very nearly didn’t get on that last train because I felt so alone in this world. I missed the first connection because I stood on the platform, contemplating how easy it would be. The only thing that stopped me was a text from my mum who was waiting to pick me up - she knew something was wrong because I was coming home much earlier than planned, but didn’t know what, so she checked in to let me know she would be waiting at the other end for me. Not a single other person spoke to me for that entire journey despite my very obvious distress.

Please speak to people who are clearly upset. The worst they can do is tell you to go away and you’re left feeling a bit put out for trying to help and being rejected. But you could be the person that makes a difference to them. All I wanted was for somebody to sit with me, even just for a short while.

Yes I would have checked she was ok.

The first few times this happened to me I felt awkward and didn't know what to do so said nothing, and kicked myself after

The last time I asked if the woman was ok. She had just been diagnosed with cancer. We had a short conversation before I had to get off at my stop. I think she appreciated it and I felt like it was the right thing to do.

I generally go for ‘is there anything I can do for you’ rather than ‘are you ok’ when they clearly aren’t. But I couldn’t ignore someone crying.

This was me once. I was making a 7 hour train journey home after being raped on a weekend away. Unbeknownst to me at the time the assault had left me with a fractured coccyx so as well as being distressed I was also in agony and struggling to sit down. It would have been clear to everyone I wasn’t ok. I wanted more than anything for someone to just ask if I was ok, or sit with me. Instead everyone stared and avoided me. I was 19, vulnerable and terrified and I’ve never felt more alone than I did on that journey.

I'm so so sorry x

Something similar happened to me on my 20th birthday, I was drugged and raped while out and on my way back to university. I really needed someone to comfort me and tell me everything was ok. But everyone avoided me and kind of rolled their eyes looking at me. I think it contributed to me developing PTSD from it because I just felt so judged and alone and unsafe.

I would have checked in, equally though when I found myself quietly teary at the soft play I wanted the ground to swallow me up- we'd had a right old time with our special needs child and the soft play staff had been utterly rude and unhelpful, straw and camels back comes to mind.

Yes I would have asked if she was ok.

i have done in the past. Turned out the man felt suicidal so I got help for him and stayed with him on the platform we got off on until more help arrived. Never does any harm to show someone you care. If someone doesn’t want to speak they will tell you they are fine and it’s easy to read.

💐sending you hugs. I agree it definitely contributed to my PTSD after. Still now, 15 years on, it has impacted how I deal with my own emotions. I am much more likely to shut down and go in to survival mode rather than talk about my feelings, because that journey told me that’s what I should do.

I would just have asked. If she wanted to be left alone she would have said something like Yes fine. Even being asked makes you feel less abandoned.

Not on a train but in supermarket loos. An older man was outside desperately trying to find a woman to go in to someone he could hear crying. I went in and found a young woman sobbing with a positive pregnancy test in her hand. I don't know the circumstances but I comforted her and told her the first thing to do either way was to make a GP appointment. She calmed down pretty quickly, rang from where she was and we made a plan in terms of going to work or ringing in sick. I think she was grateful that someone cared.

The bloke outside didn't know her, just some concerned member of the public who'd got Tesco's manager and a male first aider to come down as he didn't know what to do. Which was all a bit overkill but well meaning.

I think I would have asked, but also completely understand why you didn't.

I found a friend died in an accident just before I had to get on a train to get home. This was years ago I still remember the nice person who spoke to me and said sorry I can't help notice you're really upset are you OK? And gave me a tissue.

Never underestimate the power of offering a tissue if you have one.

I was offered a tissue and a sympathetic smile, later on a man said,’ for you, I hope your day gets better’ and gave me a chocolate.
both on busy trains.
so wonderful .

That's a good idea. Offer to get them a cup of tea or something maybe

Chikp, that’s lovely,

‘Never underestimate the power of offering a tissue if you have one‘

You could even say do you want to talk or shall I leave you alone? And offer a tissue

It depends on the person who is upset as to what they would prefer but for me I would ask if they’re okay, hand them a tissue etc

I don’t use trains ( whole other story ) but was at a Spanish airport alone and was very very distressed and crying. I was approached by a wonderful group of ladies who invited me
to sit with them and were so unbelievably kind. On the same day I was also approached by other ladies as I was waiting to board my flight, checking in and making sure that I was okay.