To ignore the crying woman on the train

[Rainlady]

On the way back from dinner tonight, I noticed that a woman opposite me (across the aisle) on the train was quietly but audibly crying, sniffling.

There was also a woman sat directly opposite her, with headphones in who didnt seem to notice. I also had headphones on but could still hear.

I didn't ask if she was OK or anything because I didn't think it was any of my business, and thought she might just want to be left alone. (I probably would). But now I feel bad for not checking she was OK. Aibu for not saying anything?

My daughter aged 18 was in floods of tears at Gatwick airport many years ago. I'd just had to phone her to come home as her dad had taken a turn for the worse and would maybe not see it through the day. She was really upset and shocked that no one offered her any support. She was a very young looking 18 year old. I know she would offer a tissue as would I.

Would have done the same. You're not asking for details of their life, just what you can do to help. Even if they shake their head and say no, you checked and showed a little bit of compassion.

I once spent a looong time (hours and hours) on a flight with a tooth abscess and silently wept the whole journey. I was in so much pain but tried to keep it quiet. The people next to me stared but never asked if I was ok which made me feel even worse to be honest. The air hostess towards the end of the flight passed me a compress filled with ice she made and offered me a sympathetic glance. I didn't need words just a little gesture like that helped tremendously.

I saw a lady absolutely sobbing on the Tube many years ago. I asked if she was ok and it turned out she was on her way home from hospital after a bereavement. I think it helped her to talk to someone and know that someone cared. How sad that so many people would just ignore a crying person.

its a tough one. I’ve seen all sorts of things on the train having been a London commuter for years.

I would’ve left her alone unless I felt she looked like she’d been assaulted or was particularly vulnerable.

Many years ago I was rushing to work and running late, running through the underpass at Waterloo and I passed a girl looking disheveled, sitting on the floor and crying, she looked about 14/15. I looked and looked again at her but was late for work so ran past. To this day I regret not stopping and still hope someone kind stopped for her and not someone posing as a Good Samaritan who intended her harm.

I’ve cried in public a number of times.. I’ve always found it mortifying when someone has approached me. I don’t approach or acknowledge crying people for that reason - I’d always just wanted to be left alone when it was me.

I remember once having a very sudden bereavement that a young man who witnessed it sat next to me with his arm around me for about an hour as I sat in shock, not speaking just being there. I've never forgotten him and the difference he made.

This thread has made me cry, especially the poor, poor bus driver who lost her son.

I would definitely speak to her and ask if there was anything I could do to help.

I've been the lady crying quietly on the train and if it makes you feel any better, I wanted to be left alone, and I was.

That being said, I once saw a guy crying and looking quite agitated on a train and I asked him if he was okay. He told me his wife had cancer and I gave him a hug.

I think if someone is going out of their way to minimise or hide their tears and sobs, they want to be left alone.

Been that woman. My father was dying amid a major shitstorm. I will never forget the kindness of the older lady who gently leaned across and handed me a pack of tissues. It meant so much. However, people tactfully leaving me to it helped as well.

Great ad. Thanks for sharing @ZiggyAndChanelle.

It also got me thinking about other times I'd be inappropriately interrupted during moments of crying...

I was having an emotional conversation with my boyfriend on the phone who was breaking up with me and I was in the middle of Hyde Park. A woman took this is as the ideal time to stop me to ask for directions.

Another time I was walking through a hospital at 2am after just watching my mum die. A guy thought I was a member of staff, despite crying, basically looking a state (I was pregnant at the time a d had driven 2 hours at midnight to get there) and he asked to help him with a vending machine that had taken his money but not dispensed his drink. I was still in shock and I'm ashamed to say I tried helping him.

Feeling intruded upon isn't in the same ball park as feeling lost and abandoned, so I would always say something, offering a tissue and a kind word. When people have been unexpectedly kind to me I don't forget it. Don't feel bad about not saying anything OP but maybe at least try next time if it happens again.

You did the right thing by leaving her alone.

Sometimes you can’t help the tears falling but it would have been embarrassing for her if you drew attention to her when she was obviously not after attention.

There was nothing you could have done either if she had said her mum died, ex broke up with her, lost her job etc so it would probably just have come across as nosy.

I’ve quietly asked a woman if she was okay while she was crying on the tube. However I have also been the woman crying on the tube the other day, my baby had just spent about a week in hospital, I had gone back in to work for a day and she had been sent back to A&E so I was heading straight to the hospital. I couldn’t control the tears but I wasn’t looking for sympathy or anyone to check on me.

I disagree with that entirely.
Obviously it might be a 'you had to be there' scenario but it's not embarrassing to be asked if someone can do something for you if you are in distress.
Even if you can't do anything it means something to ask.

I sobbed on the tube once, packed with people, a man had held my hands behind my back whilst having a rub of my privates, once I realised it was his hand and not his briefcase I screamed at him, calling him a dirty pervert. He then rushed off the tube on the other side, people parted ways to let him off then studiously ignored the 18 year old me whilst I sobbed.

I’ve given tissues, offered sympathetic smile, and I’ve ignored. I always worried about the times I ignored…

PurplePastaBake and Georgarina I'm so sorry this has happened to both of you and you didn't get the support you deserved. Sending love 💕.

I think it would be nice to ask if someone is ok and if you can do anything, and if they want to be left alone I’d leave them alone

I’ve been the crying person and at the time was glad of being ignored but a kind word would have been taken well. I’ve also been offered tissues and a kind word and been v grateful. (Lots of train journeys visiting terminally Ill relative).

I’ve also offered a tissue or an ok…to someone who was crying. I think my experience made me realise that a human connection is good.

I think on balance it’s better to say something. But it’s not always an easy call.

Tears mean pain and I couldn't sit by without at least discretely passing across a tissue and mouthing are you OK. Then I'd be led by the person as to what further involvement, if any, they wanted.

The fact it plays on your mind @Rainlady shows your empathy and there'll be another time I'm sure where you can extend your help.

Always just check in.

Often people do want to be left alone but always check.

I would say the risks of a gentle interaction being unwelcome are worth it for catching that one person who needs it.

I had a similar experience with a man in his 20's who was visibly upset. I asked if he was OK and he told me his Gran had passed away. He opened up and talked about her, she basically raised him during a troubled childhood. The other passenger next to me also chatted to him. We got tea from the buffet car, I like to think it made him better to share his thoughts about his lovely Gran. The other passenger was a doorman at a London Hotel and they exchanged details meet again.
I'd find it hard not to ask if someone was OK or wanted to be left alone.
Maybe that's the issue these days, engaged on our phones scrolling and listening to headphones we're less inclined pick up on those around us.