To ignore the crying woman on the train

[Rainlady]

On the way back from dinner tonight, I noticed that a woman opposite me (across the aisle) on the train was quietly but audibly crying, sniffling.

There was also a woman sat directly opposite her, with headphones in who didnt seem to notice. I also had headphones on but could still hear.

I didn't ask if she was OK or anything because I didn't think it was any of my business, and thought she might just want to be left alone. (I probably would). But now I feel bad for not checking she was OK. Aibu for not saying anything?

But given it was a hospital cafe maybe he too had or was about to receive shit news.

I would always ask if someone's OK. A bit of kindness and compassion goes a long way. Most people will say yes they're OK but they will still appreciate your concern

If you have a packet of mints they can be handy when someone has an uncontrollable coughing fit on a bus and they are trying to suppress it

In most circumstances I'd hate anyone to notice, and hate it if they said anything, but I'd also appreciate that trying to help is a good thing. I don't think it really is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation, as very, very few people would actually blame you for showing concern, and it could be very significant to someone, so worth a try.

It depends what the person is upset about I think, as to whether they will appreciatea stranger's involvement or not.

The important thing is to give them an easy way to not engage if they don't want to (e.g. offering a tissue and saying 'if you want to talk to someone I'm just over here')

I think overall, saying something is better than saying nothing which can feel very cold.

Yes, I think we have to assume that anyone we come across in a hospital is not having their best day. It’s bound to be fraught with emotions and everyone a bit (or a lot) fragile.

My take-away from this thread is that it’s better to ask than to ignore. I’ve been the one crying on a plane before and someone did ask if I was OK; I said “no but I will be, thanks” which I think made it clear I didn’t need their help. It was nice to be asked

I'd be mortified if a stranger acknowledged that I was crying in public. It's nice to ask but personally I'd then just feel like everyone was looking at me

I had this once when my gran died. I thought I'd be fine travelling to uni but I was quietly sobbing everywhere...on the bus, in the lecture hall. Took me 2 months to realise I wasn't ok. I don't think I would have wanted anyone to speak to me but at the same time, I would have seen it as someone being kind.
I saw a distressed mum at the park a few months ago, her son had fallen from one of the climbing frames and was screaming in agony. she was alone with another kid in tow and I went over to ask if I could do anything to help / call someone.
She was very grateful and thanked me but said she had messaged her dad and he was coming for her to take them to hospital. I'd likely ask each time. I'd rather be told all is ok and even snapped at for asking than miss the opportunity to be there for someone who does need the offer of help.

I have been on both sides of this and completely get why you weren't sure what to do! As others have said, the nicest thing people have done for me in those circumstances is to quietly give me a tissue and a sympathetic smile then leave me to it. But equally I wouldn't mind them ignoring me as we do struggle with our feelings on this uptight little island! Being hassled to talk, stared at or openly mocked would be the worst thing.

As 'my' train goes to a well-known suicide spot, I would have asked if she was OK.

I once saw another woman sobbing on the train – like, proper snotty crying, not just being teary – and after a bit of hesitation I asked if she was okay. She said she was and I left it at that, but when she got off at her stop she passed me a handwritten note saying she'd just found out her mum had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and was heading straight to see her and she thanked for me checking on her, because it made her feel a little less alone on the journey. Next time I wouldn't hesitate to ask.

Worst one that happened to me was in the Co-op of all places. Full basket of shopping, having a normal day, bloody 'How To Save A Life' comes on the radio and I'm thrown into terrible grief over the recent death of my mother. Had to bu yall my stuff with tears streaming down my face. Poor shop assistant didn't know where to look!

@Theabsoluteshit
’you have to create the world you want to live in’

this is such a great thought, thank you.

I don’t think your name is very appropriate!

I cried in the middle of a busy shop when my child was having a meltdown once and several wonderful women came over to see if I was OK. It was hugely appreciated and I'll never forget it.

I've always done a little 'are you ok?' and a smile if I've caught someone's eye when they're crying, or passed a tissue.

I once sat on the floor of Manchester Airport train station and absolutely sobbed (long story). The man from the ticket booth brought me a tissue and sat quietly on the floor beside me.

Someone once saved my life at a train station, I wasn't actually crying - just staring and probably did give off a weird vibe to be honest, but I was in a really bad place and I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on my thought process here but a young man started up a conversation with me and that was enough to pull me out of the moment. It didn't fix things obviously but it stopped me from doing something that couldn't be undone and for that I will be forever grateful. He will never know what he did for me that day. Saying that, it is also very embarrassing to be crying in a public place and obviously not every crying person will be in that headspace but it doesn't hurt to ask if someone's ok or pass a tissue just so they know others are around. A bit of kindness can go a long way.

I’ve twice approached crying women. One time I was politely told she didn’t want any help, the other time I was told to fuck off. But it wouldn’t stop me from doing it again. People can always tell you they don’t need help but I wouldn’t want to take the risk of missing someone who was desperate for human interaction.

Thank you for sharing that poem. I'm going to share that. xx

Well this thread has created another crying woman! Really touched by all these stories.
I've been the helper and the cryer in similar situations. It's always nice to care, but I do understand that people feel awkward OP and I don't blame you. Next time maybe you'll feel a little braver.

I'm going to stock up on tissues...

I'd rather risk embarrassment or a "fuck off and leave me alone" by asking how a crying person is, than ignore them

When I was crying, I wanted everyone to politely ignore me. But when I saw another woman crying, I just quietly handed her a tissue - didn't say anything - she was really grateful and we ended up having a chat.

^ This is a good one, they can either speak or not. So hard to know what to do, I think I’d want to be left alone. But would welcome a tissue.

This, a simple “are you ok?”
I’ve done this quite a few times. It needs someone to intervene . Crying could mean someone is depressed and at risk, or something small, like a bad day at work. A simple acknowledgment of a stranger to say do you want to talk or not, but I’m here if you do, can make the big difference to show someone cares about you.
Latest for me was just a few months back outside my local, small rural station. A women was there with a suit case as I walked past (wasn’t using train) and I knew the train had departed some time before ( only 2 trains per hour) she was sort of pacing and kept checking her phone. She wasn’t crying but just appeared a little agitated. As I walked past, I paused and just said “are you ok” .
She was obviously relieved I’d stopped- I’m older women and clearly out walking so she didn’t appear alarmed when I asked. She then said she was waiting for a taxi to collect her, it was 10 mins late and they weren’t answering the phone (nearest rank was in next town). Her phone was now nearly dead. She asked if there was a cafe or pub near where she could get a drink, charge her phone ..there isn’t really. So, I gave her my address and directions (another 4 mins walk down the road) …ok perhaps not wisest thing…but I could tell she was genuine and saw her phone and charge. Told her if taxi didn’t arrive in next 10 mins, to walk to mine and I’d call for another taxi. She was really relieved that she knew there was a backup plan ..in truth I’d probably just given her a lift myself - she only need to go a few miles.
she didn’t come round so hopefully her taxi turned up and she got home ok.

Just ask people.
If they don’t want help they will soon let you know

There’s an old story about a Samaritan…..it makes the point whether your religious or not. We’re social beings and need others at times, even a stranger.

The long lasting impact of reaching out to someone who is distressed in kindness will have a far more long lasting positive effect than the potential negative effect of embarrassement.

I remember when I was walking home from a hospital appointment and my husband phoned to tell me that he was at the vets and they were saying that our cat needed to be put down. I bawled my eyes out in the street. A lovely Mum and her wonderful daughter stopped, offered me a tissue and a hug. That will always stay with me.

I remember another time when I was sitting distressed in a crowded place in public and not a single person offered any comfort or checked in on me. I felt so acutely ashamed that I was sitting there by myself so upset. A moment of kindness would have helped lift that shame.

The issue with the “is there anything I can do” , is mostly people don’t think they need help, or don’t know what could possibly help or don’t not want to impose.
the “are you ok” whilst not ideal, and clearly they’re not ok, gives them opportunity to say “I’m fine” or “piss off” or “no/not really” . It’s the no/not really response you looking for to then offer the support.

It depends. When I was 30 and going through a bad breakup including cheating, abuse and me needing Prozac and therapy to get over it I might and might not have wanted a chat on the train when I was crying. I had to commute to work in central London every day.

The worst thing for me was on my commute (as I moved back to the area where I grew up there ) there was an old junior school friend and local friend of the family and not once did he come to ask me how I was which I would’ve appreciated.

I’m torn if I see people upset.

Once outside a local supermarket I saw a younger woman in tears, really sobbing uncontrollably and I’d never seen her before and really felt for her. I’d just been into a gift clothes shop and bought a necklace but decided to give it to her. I also asked what she’d like from inside the supermarket and got her a Taste the difference sandwich, chocolate and a cold drink as it was a warm day and spoke to her for about 10 minutes - she said she had left an abusive relationship recently and was staying in a nearby hostel.

The look on her face when I gave her the necklace (a press stud light blue sort of fringed with diamantés) though was incredible, she put it on immediately! And she calmed down and stopped crying!