Should i ask my partner to cover all the bills instead of us sharing?

[twinklestarin]

My partner works full time and earns around 200-250 per day. I am currently a stay at home mum to our DS who is almost 3 and DD who is 5 months old. I do intend to start work once my youngest is old enough to go nursery. For now i've been doing a private tutoring job from home which i only earn £550 per month. I could earn more but its hard to do more due to juggling the home and children. My partner expects me to contribute a share to all the bills, food shopping and anything related to the kids. By the time i have done all of this i have a very small amount of money left to myself or non at all. Sometimes I would like to buy myself books, or go out with a friend or get my hair done but just dont have much money left. Considering that my partner earns considerably more than i do, would it be fair if i asked him to cover all the bills , and with the money i earn i can use that to cover all expenses related to the kids and myself.

I think you missed this gem from OP:

He does state that he wants me to work but he also tells me to sort out childcare myself as he thinks its too expensive for him to cover

Thank you @poefaced I did miss that and it makes sense why he’s not automatically contributing more like most partners would.

@Pipsquiggle it's complicated!! We're separated but he is refusing to leave the house. I'm hoping he will once the divorce goes through, but I had to put it on hold to deal with some other family issues.

Youre at home looking after your joint children so you cant work enough to earn even minimum wage. He should be paying for everything

FFS please RTFT and not the headline to see just how far off the mark tour "advice" is.

You should pool the household income and spilt the amount that is remaining it’s a partnership not a be pays for everything.

He sounds awful!

is he maybe trying to make a point though? Did he agree to you being at home? How is your overall family financial lifestyle? Perhaps he does want you to work and contribute. Stay at home parenting needs to be mutually agreed.

I would get a job and agree a split of bills and childcare costs. it doesn’t sound like he wants to support you staying at home.

Well I would put all the money into one family 'pot' as you are a family. I struggle to understand people who do not do this especially when one person has sacrificed their career to have children. You are not flatmates

I earn conserably more than my husband, our wages are paid into our joint account, my wage covers the outgoings and we live equally off of his wage. Everything is equal and has been that way since we started living together. He is being unreasonable xx

Before divorce we shared income. Even before we had kids. As soon as we moved in pretty much. All money into a shared account, then the same amount given to each of us for ‘spending’ and some in a joint savings. From what I read though this isn’t actually common. I was the higher earned too and it was my suggestion. He was surprised as he was coming off better from the arrangement. But then we had children, I got made redundant, I did agency work for a while and so he became the main earner and we still shared - but money was tighter during my non earning times. Unfortunately we did end up getting divorced and he’s awful with money - debts, not always paying maintenance etc.

You can’t be expected to stay home and only live on your tutoring. I’m guessing he earns too much to be able to claim UC/CTC? Who gets the child benefit?? You definitely need to sit down and talk it through. If he left he would be expected to give you a proportionate amount (depending on how much he earns and has the kids overnight). Also you are saving him a fortune but staying home. Maybe research nursery/wrap around care and tell him. And that would hopefully come from joint money too.

This is financial abuse. It keeps you "in your place" & takes away your autonomy. You feel you can't afford to leave, even if you want to. I have been there. Unfortunately, my ex-husband was smart enough to blow all his disposable income of himself, so when I did leave, there were no assets to get 50% of - no house, no savings, no pension. Just debt. However, since leaving him, I am much better off. Child maintenance is 15% of his income for two kids, so if your OH is earning £200/day, assuming it is a 5 day week, he will be having to pay you around £150/week if you leave. Or he has the children on a 50/50 basis, which could cost him £500/week if he has to cut his hours to look after the children. HE is the one who will be financially better off by contributing more towards the household AND giving you some of "his" money, too.

Are you for real?! Reverse things - OP is contributing FAR more in terms of childcare/housekeeping. Why is her contribution seen as less valuable to you simply because she isn't being paid for it? Honestly, your way of thinking is despicable, & it is people like you who allow financially abusive men to justify their behaviour. If OP should "pay her fair share", then her OH should be doing his fair share of the childcare/housekeeping so that OP has the available time to earn more.

Other than doing the odd top up shop (eg bread and milk) you're not BU! I work part-time so my husband covers 90% the bills (I make a small contribution but I earn more money than you) I sort out the kids clothes and shoes and he pays for stuff like school dinner money and swimming lessons. He's absolutely fine with this arrangement and when he earns more money he's said he'll expect me to pay less and take over 95% of the bills. Without my job we have wouldn't have such a good mortgage rate, so I think it's more than fair.

Tell him HE'S being unrealistic and unfair

Given the wage disparity if he wants you to pay a share of the bills you should pay 12% and he should pay 88% that's fair and equitable based on your wages. At the same time he needs to do his share of childcare and housework.
I had a husband like this, after the divorce I got 76% of the house equity and shared 50/50 custody so he each have the kids for a full week. I'm life is so much easier now.

What you’re suggesting is exactly what we do. I’m also a stay at home mom but have a part time job which pays me £600 a month. DH pays all the bills out of his wage and I pay for anything the kids need, birthday presents, days out etc. It works well and means we both have access to money if we need/want anything (which is not happening lately thanks to cost of living but theoretically that’s what we do!)

I’ve never understood separate money. As soon as we had our first DS and I wasn’t working anymore we viewed all household income as household money, shared between the both of us. It’s not his money and mine, it’s ours.

I couldn't even bear to LOOK at this stingy, tight arsed "man", let alone sleep with him.

Eurgh.

Some people are asking if the OP being a sahm was agreed. Regardless of the fact the partner is financially abusing the OP and refusing to pay for childcare and all the other shit the partner has done. Regardless of the fact that if the partner wanted her to work he shouldn't have got her pregnant.

The OP has a 5 month old baby. She is essentially on maternity leave. And being expected to do part time work to fund this. And being financially abused.

So he earns around £4k a month and you earn £500 a month? Bills etc should be split on a percentage basis. My maths isn't great but I figure you earn about 11% of the household income, and he earns 89%. As such you should pay 11% of the bills and things the children need, and he should pay the remaining 89%. Maybe work out the average cost of everything, food, utilities, clothes, nursery fees, cars/travel, and then open a joint account and each of you put a designated amount into it, and pay all the bills from it.

But no, considering you're earning significantly less than him, and providing all the domestic work and childcare, you should not be expected to use all of your income on bills etc.

I don't understand this , even some of my friends or family are in this position where your money is yours and his is his. Surely when you live together and have a family, money is 'ours' ? Me and my partner both work part time, I earn more than him but money we earn is ours,not his and mine. I. E if he needs something he buys it and I do the same, it's not like he can't buy something because he has nothing left out of his wage, both our wages go into the same account, the bills come out and whatever is left is just ours

Child raising is a joint endeavour, and you are looking after the kids which enables him to work. It always amazes me that people have kids, especially two kids - without discussing finances, and also that people don’t get married (even at registry office, don’t need expensive wedding). You both need to have some money set aside for personal things.

OP, this sounds horrendous. Please squirrel away any money you can, and make plans to leave - a medium-term plan, but also an emergency plan. I think you already know that he's not a good man.

Other posters, some of you are amazing 💐 Those of you saying "why did you have kids with him in the first place" can naff off. Have you never made a mistake? Trusted someone you shouldn't? Been taken in by a manipulative bastard? Been financially or sexually abused (which is a possibility)? Heaping blame on the OP isn't helping her.

Working it out as a percentage still means the lower earner looses out. It should be pooled, then the money left over split equally, and that is after childcare costs etc.

OP, I’m sorry, but you have made some incredibly stupid choices and sleep walked your way into this situation. You need to take responsibility for that so that you can recognise your mistakes and make changes moving forward. Stop being a doormat. He’s a selfish, financially abusive man, you will not be able to make him see reason because it’s not in his interest to.

Go get a job, pay for childcare if he won’t, but don’t pay towards any other bills (in fact, I’d stop paying now and tell him that seeing as he doesn’t pull his weight around the house and with parenting, you don’t see why you should pull your weight financially). Who owns the house/tenancy agreement? Is it in both names?

Ultimately you need to leave this man, but it looks like you have some work to do to put yourself in a position to do so.

OP - this is what you should do. Sit down and work out percentages and you offer to pay what you can in proportion to what you both earn. To be honest, the amount you must save in childcare costs are considerable, so he should think about that too. If he doesn’t agree, then leave him. Things will only get worse and your children will grow up watching him treat you with a lack of respect.

That may well be what "should" happen, but it won't happen with this man.

Will never understand how people end up like this, if you've made the choice to have kids together you absolutely should pool all finances, each have equal spending money. If that means you each get say 300 a month for your own spending, you are contributing 250 to the household - bills mortgage whatever. If he's not satisfied you both need to discuss your working, childcare arrangements until you are both happy- end of!