Should i ask my partner to cover all the bills instead of us sharing?

[twinklestarin]

My partner works full time and earns around 200-250 per day. I am currently a stay at home mum to our DS who is almost 3 and DD who is 5 months old. I do intend to start work once my youngest is old enough to go nursery. For now i've been doing a private tutoring job from home which i only earn £550 per month. I could earn more but its hard to do more due to juggling the home and children. My partner expects me to contribute a share to all the bills, food shopping and anything related to the kids. By the time i have done all of this i have a very small amount of money left to myself or non at all. Sometimes I would like to buy myself books, or go out with a friend or get my hair done but just dont have much money left. Considering that my partner earns considerably more than i do, would it be fair if i asked him to cover all the bills , and with the money i earn i can use that to cover all expenses related to the kids and myself.

Also if you do leave him he sounds like the sort who would threaten to get custody of the children to try to scare you into staying. Ignore him. If he can't be bothered to parent now he won't bother to parent then.

In fact you are far more likely to end up in situation where he never sees them at all, or rarely. But you are already doing the vast majority of the housework and the parenting so at least you will have one less person to tidy up after.

You would be far better off, emotionally and psychologically, as a single mum and he will have to pay you CM for his kids then.

He is not only abusive to you OP. He is abusive to his children because he is knowingly depriving them. It is abuse. Get your children away from him. Nobody in their right mind would put up with this. I'm sorry, I know it's not easy, but please see the light. This is not remotely normal or acceptable. It is abuse.

Bill him market rate for both childcare and housework. And your first priority if/as long you do stay together should be paying into a pension for yourself.

@PeachCottonTree hes self employed but is in regular employment as he gets jobs from different agencies all the time

If he’s selfish with money now he might try to hide his true income if you split. Which could mean low or no CMS payments 😕

@Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead yes this is what im going to do. I just need to do more research and be prepared mentally as well

You have to justify using the washing machine more than twice a week? I have two teenagers and do... 11 washes a week on average. This guy is deluded. This is not right and it is not fair - he has seriously handicapped your ability to make money through his lack of recognition of childcare costs and he is further handicapping you through unrealistic expectations of family life. this sounds hard!

@PeachCottonTree I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case. I know in the back of the mind it is a possibility but hoping i would be financially okay regardless

Bloody hell, doesn't he sound like a delight.

Get sit of him and get yourself set up elsewhere. Claim what you can to get on your feet and put your cms claim in too. No partnership should work like yours is at all.

So your partner earns 4-5k a month and you earn 550? Split your bills 90-10 (5k) or 87-13 (4k). If he refuses ask him - if you can, safely - why not. Then make your choice.

@Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead He has told me if i leave, im leaving alone without the kids. But I dont believe him as he doesn't even change nappies. Not sure how he would cope

He does state that he wants me to work but he also tells me to sort out childcare myself as he thinks its too expensive for him to cover

What a loser. And yes, sadly, as he's self employed, he'll be able to hide hide income and avoid paying what he should when you go. But you still need to leave him.

@Drinkingwineandposting Honestly it is hard. This is just one example out of many

How does he plan on stopping you leaving with the kids?

There isn't a court in the land that would assigng100% contact to one parent when the other parent has been their main carer and the kids are 3 and 5 months old.

No court would leave small children without their mother he wouldn’t get overnights with an under one!

You need to write down everything you pay for and everything he pays for and what’s left over

When I was a SAHM DH gave me enough to cover all my bills and he paid the mortgage/bills etc and any big ticket items - he still does even though I’m working full time because he earns X5 what I do!

You are not stupid for a start. It is not stupid to think that someone would step up to share what they have in your circumstances. I feel quite upset at your situation, not because you are posting about it but because you are in in it in the first place. You are a mum with young children and you need more support than you are getting. I do not like the sound of your partner if I am absolutely honest, I think you will be better in the long run without him but I recognise that is a difficult decision and not mine to make. Keep posting, and please recognise your worth because it is so much more that you have been led to believe.

I always think that sounds so ridiculous. How would you compel him to pay the that bill?

@Drinkingwineandposting Thank you. I do feel like i sell myself short and dont realize my worth. Alot of it does stem from my childhood as i didnt have an easy upbringing so i just hope its something i can work on

It's so utterly depressing that these situations seem to come up again and again on MN...

Firstly, don't marry him as others suggested before you shared more details... He's treating you like shit and threatening you if you left. He's an abusive twat and I hope you find the strength to LTB.

@Liorae the op would offset it against what her partner is expecting her to pay. A close relative of mine had to do this whilst on mat leave because her husband was adamant that regardless of her being on statutory maternity pay she had to contribute 50% to mortgage, bills etc.

I agree, I originally advised marriage but it's become clear he's not bumbled into this without being thoughtful but instead he is abusive. The priority is absolutely getting free of him and not marriage.

You are in a dilemma if your own making ..

HOW MANY THREADS ARE REQUIRED BEFORE HAVING CHILDREN WITHOUT THE LEGAL CONTRACT OF MARRIAGE/CIVIL
PARTNERSHIP IS IN PLACE DO YOU NEED !!

Have you done the freedom programme OP, you may find it beneficial

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Additionally there is the domestic abuse hotline

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

or the wales one if you are there

www.allwaleshelpline.org.uk/

This is a website for people suffering economic abuse

survivingeconomicabuse.org/

Then there are rights of women who have helplines to guide you through the legal side of things

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

This is financial abuse. It’s not just the unfair contribution that you have to make but the fact he’s refusing to pay for childcare, thus making it harder for you to work and earn your own money.

Either prepare to leave him or get yourself a job ASAP and insist he pays proportionally for childcare.

He does state that he wants me to work but he also tells me to sort out childcare myself as he thinks its too expensive for him to cover

Childcare should come out of family money, and his wages should be family money.

He is financially abusive. I think he is a lost cause and you and kids need to leave.