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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i ask my partner to cover all the bills instead of us sharing?

182 replies

twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 22:50

My partner works full time and earns around 200-250 per day. I am currently a stay at home mum to our DS who is almost 3 and DD who is 5 months old. I do intend to start work once my youngest is old enough to go nursery. For now i've been doing a private tutoring job from home which i only earn £550 per month. I could earn more but its hard to do more due to juggling the home and children. My partner expects me to contribute a share to all the bills, food shopping and anything related to the kids. By the time i have done all of this i have a very small amount of money left to myself or non at all. Sometimes I would like to buy myself books, or go out with a friend or get my hair done but just dont have much money left. Considering that my partner earns considerably more than i do, would it be fair if i asked him to cover all the bills , and with the money i earn i can use that to cover all expenses related to the kids and myself.

OP posts:
FlamingJingleBells · 30/11/2022 07:54

Sorry I missed the bit that he is an abuser, don't marry him. Why did you have children with him?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/11/2022 07:58

FlissyPaps · 29/11/2022 23:05

If you are in a relationship, cooking for him, cleaning for him, doing all the childcare and he is taking most of your money from you to cover half the expenses then this is financial abuse.

This...

He is either not a decent man or actively financially abusive... Or very dim...

HarvestThyme · 30/11/2022 08:00

You should leave him, given all you have told us. And it sounds like you want to leave him.

You should start job hunting for full time employment. What work do you want to go into? Can you expand the tutoring? Look into any benefits you may qualify for including any childcare contribution for your ds.

While you are still together, tot up the total for rent, bills, food, transport and childcare. Split according to earnings.

Your useless partner will not want custody of the dc. He's trying to terrify you into staying and being his maid and providing free childcare. As a pp mentioned, as he is self-employed, you may see nothing from CMS once you split.

DillyDallyDooo · 30/11/2022 08:02

poefaced · 30/11/2022 07:42

OP definitely shouldn’t marry this man.

But @LlareggubTripAdviser is right, if a man owns the house/business then a woman would have been better off being married to him before having kids because she’d be entitled to half the house (or even to live there until the kids grow up).

Show quote history

But that's not what OP is asking. She is asking is he right to be taking her money.

She needs to leave, fair enough she would be leaving with half a house etc etc if she was married to him, but her mental health and wellbeing is more important than being married to an abuser.

PinkSyCo · 30/11/2022 08:04

twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 23:21

@SecretVictoria Baby 1 was unplanned and we wasnt living together at the time. I did have an independent life. He does state that he wants me to work but he also tells me to sort out childcare myself as he thinks its too expensive for him to cover .

So he wants you to work so long as it continues to keep you poor and doesn’t affect his income whatsoever. What a peach. No doubt, he’d expect you to carry on doing all the cleaning, cooking, washing etc while he has the fun part of playing with the children that he refuses to pay for. Ugh.

Backtothegymgirl · 30/11/2022 08:05

I don’t understand the point of these threads. It’s completely and utterly irrelevant what anyone else thinks. What matters is what he thinks. And he thinks he should not pay for you. As cunty as it is, that’s his thoughts. He is hardly going to change his mind as some randoms on mumsnet said he should.

you knew though, and you proceeded to have not one but two kids with him and put yourself in this situation. Kept on shagging him and having babies. Like poking yourself in the eye with a big stick , saying shit thst hurts. Fuck it, I’ll poke the other one.

so yes ask him, but you already know he will tell you to do one, that’s why you’re on here. So the bottom line is if you want more money you need to earn it. Because there is nothing coming from this piece of shit.

stopbeeping · 30/11/2022 08:11

My husband pays every single bill as I am a SAHm

Unless he is going to babysit so you can work I don't think you should contribute at all except to kids clubs kjds clothes and that's it then the rest for you

Adelais · 30/11/2022 08:13

God this thread is depressing.

Men like this never change so the only option is to leave him. He won’t want full custody of the kid, it’s just a threat he uses to make you stay.

Contact women’s aid for help.
It’s probably worth going back to work, you should get some help with childcare costs and universal credit if you don’t earn much

Good luck

Liorae · 30/11/2022 08:15

ThreeblackCats · 30/11/2022 06:56

I guess you could bill him for childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, bedroom services etc.
Find out the going rate for a nanny or au pair, private chef, cleaner etc and log your hours go for the month. I can guarantee you he will baulk when you hit him with the bill.
Once you charge him approximately ten times what he’s earning, which is about what you’re worth, money he’s contributing to his pension because he has you looking after his children and running the home, money he seems to think his own children should be grateful for rather than expect, then maybe he might start to appreciate you. But I doubt it.

More likely to tell you to leave and take your bill with you.

neverbeenskiing · 30/11/2022 08:16

Can people RTFT before commenting? 5 pages in and OP is still being told to marry this abusive, controlling twat.

Also the "bill him for childcare" comments are pathetic. OP is being financially abused. This is a man who believes she doesn't have the right to access the washing machine in her own home because she's on a lower wage than him. Do you really think being presented with a bill for childcare is going to make him have an epiphany and start treating her with respect? FFS.

Worrywart2022 · 30/11/2022 08:25

I really don’t understand this when people have kids together. My DH currently earns more than me but if I go back FT I will earn more than him (which I’m planning on doing). That said, his career progression will be better than mine so he will likely outearn me again soon after.

ALL our money is joint money and we don’t consult each other on purchases for ourselves unless they are out of the ordinary. We are married and have 2 kids together so why shouldn’t everything be in the family pit?

Survey99 · 30/11/2022 08:26

PonyPatter44 · 29/11/2022 22:57

Not this again. If you share children, you share household costs proportionally. So if all your bills (including children's costs) come to £1000, and your partner earns 85% of the household income, he puts in £850, you put in £150.

I despair of the number of times this question gets asked.

Not this again. if you live as a family you pool all family money, communicate and have joint financial outlooks and goals.

I despair at the number of times this is suggested as a way for a family to operate their finances.

poefaced · 30/11/2022 08:28

Survey99 · 30/11/2022 08:26

Not this again. if you live as a family you pool all family money, communicate and have joint financial outlooks and goals.

I despair at the number of times this is suggested as a way for a family to operate their finances.

Show quote history

I think both yours and @PonyPatter44 are valid and fair. I think you are preaching to the choir.

Blowthemandown · 30/11/2022 08:29

@twinklestarin definitely don’t divide into kids and non-kids expenses! But do have the conversation that goes ‘you earn X times as much as me, plus I do all the child and house care which would cost a fortune if we had a nanny (quote him the going rate). This is soul destroying for me, I can’t even treat myself to a book or haircut and we have to work out a more equitable way of doing it’. You could even suggest he tries giving up all his hobbies and treats and does all the bed times for a month so he can see it’s relentless.

You can also point out that you can’t do more to earn more, as there is no time with the current arrangement because it’s just overwhelming.

DillyDallyDooo · 30/11/2022 08:30

neverbeenskiing · 30/11/2022 08:16

Can people RTFT before commenting? 5 pages in and OP is still being told to marry this abusive, controlling twat.

Also the "bill him for childcare" comments are pathetic. OP is being financially abused. This is a man who believes she doesn't have the right to access the washing machine in her own home because she's on a lower wage than him. Do you really think being presented with a bill for childcare is going to make him have an epiphany and start treating her with respect? FFS.

Fully agree with this. OP posts basically saying he's a controlling twat, mumsnet tell her to marry him! Unbelievable.

I understand the half a house entitlement and all that, but is that all people on mumsnet care about whether you're entitled to half a house or not? Do they not care about sanity, happiness, mental health, safety? 😶😶

Chimna · 30/11/2022 08:34

So if he wants things to work this way, he needs to do an equal share like he is asking you to do. 50% of childcare, cooking, cleaning. How the fuck else are you supposed to be earning? He's abusing you OP.

Liorae · 30/11/2022 08:43

Worrywart2022 · 30/11/2022 08:25

I really don’t understand this when people have kids together. My DH currently earns more than me but if I go back FT I will earn more than him (which I’m planning on doing). That said, his career progression will be better than mine so he will likely outearn me again soon after.

ALL our money is joint money and we don’t consult each other on purchases for ourselves unless they are out of the ordinary. We are married and have 2 kids together so why shouldn’t everything be in the family pit?

Possibly because the kids were not wanted by the father and he doesn't feel responsible for them. Bad attitude but very common.

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/11/2022 08:49

stopbeeping · 30/11/2022 08:11

My husband pays every single bill as I am a SAHm

Unless he is going to babysit so you can work I don't think you should contribute at all except to kids clubs kjds clothes and that's it then the rest for you

It's not babysitting when it's their own kids. It's parenting.

BMW6 · 30/11/2022 08:49

Backtothegymgirl · 30/11/2022 08:05

I don’t understand the point of these threads. It’s completely and utterly irrelevant what anyone else thinks. What matters is what he thinks. And he thinks he should not pay for you. As cunty as it is, that’s his thoughts. He is hardly going to change his mind as some randoms on mumsnet said he should.

you knew though, and you proceeded to have not one but two kids with him and put yourself in this situation. Kept on shagging him and having babies. Like poking yourself in the eye with a big stick , saying shit thst hurts. Fuck it, I’ll poke the other one.

so yes ask him, but you already know he will tell you to do one, that’s why you’re on here. So the bottom line is if you want more money you need to earn it. Because there is nothing coming from this piece of shit.

I have to say this is my reaction too. FFS.

Softplayhooray · 30/11/2022 08:50

twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 22:53

@eelieza I did think this too but thought it might be too much of a stretch to ask

I remember being in an even worse situation than this, and I had to lay the law down to my partner (years and years ago when my boys were very little). Turns out my DH was feeling very stressed about being the main breadwinner although he wanted the arrangement that we had (me at home with the kids, him working, no childcare costs). That stress came out in taking the piss put of me in that whatever money he transferred to me was not only 100% taken by bills but what he transferred was LESS than the bills and I ended up in overdraft. It was a difficult conversation at the time but he improved a lot.

He looks back now and by his own admission was an asshole and can't believe he was such a twat and not organising finances properly. He's totally relaxed about all that stuff now.

But point is, push him on it and don't take it.

Sassysimplelife · 30/11/2022 08:51

I know this isnt entirely the point of the thread, but if you're in the UK, have you looked into claiming maternity allowance?

www.gov.uk/maternity-allowance

It's for those who are self-employed or not entitled to SMP for other reasons such as not being with a particular employer for long enough. If you are entitled and haven't been claiming I believe it can be backdated for a cou9le of months.

ReneBumsWombats · 30/11/2022 09:01

Backtothegymgirl · 30/11/2022 08:05

I don’t understand the point of these threads. It’s completely and utterly irrelevant what anyone else thinks. What matters is what he thinks. And he thinks he should not pay for you. As cunty as it is, that’s his thoughts. He is hardly going to change his mind as some randoms on mumsnet said he should.

you knew though, and you proceeded to have not one but two kids with him and put yourself in this situation. Kept on shagging him and having babies. Like poking yourself in the eye with a big stick , saying shit thst hurts. Fuck it, I’ll poke the other one.

so yes ask him, but you already know he will tell you to do one, that’s why you’re on here. So the bottom line is if you want more money you need to earn it. Because there is nothing coming from this piece of shit.

This is very unkind, which is all the more galling because it's also true.

Not married, either.

He isn't going to change, OP, as you know. He is a tight arsed dick who doesn't love you and does nothing at home and he won't change. So if any changes are going to be made, they need to come from you.

So I suggest looking into how you can support yourself, through working, benefits and child maintenance, and make plans to leave. You have neither his love, money nor time as it is, so what are you actually going to lose?

VollywoodHampires · 30/11/2022 09:06

eelieza · 29/11/2022 22:51

You get less than minimum wage he should cover everything and the kids stuff and just have that to yourself

This, he’s being a knob, don’t stand for it.

Onefootinthegroove · 30/11/2022 09:11

Absolutely financial abuse.
I left mine before kids were in the picture, he was abusive in most ways tbh.
Financial abuse can creep up on you , so once its pointed out it can be a shock and take time to come to terms with.
My a-ha moment was after walking home from work for 3/4 of an hour with a hole in one shoe ( because he took my wages to pay bills and he was " skint" so I couldn't buy a new pair or get mine repaired) to find a note from him saying he had taken his best mate out for a meal for his Birthday.

Unfortunately I didnt ( couldn't afford to ) leave straight away but I did start confiding in friends.

He wont ever change op.

Nina9870 · 30/11/2022 09:14

Of course he should pay the lot!
I’m on mat pay and my husband pays for everything while I’m off looking after the kids full time, saving us 50 quid a day in nursery fees!! It’s only right he pays the bills
You’re contributing plenty, it’s just not money