Should i ask my partner to cover all the bills instead of us sharing?

[twinklestarin]

My partner works full time and earns around 200-250 per day. I am currently a stay at home mum to our DS who is almost 3 and DD who is 5 months old. I do intend to start work once my youngest is old enough to go nursery. For now i've been doing a private tutoring job from home which i only earn £550 per month. I could earn more but its hard to do more due to juggling the home and children. My partner expects me to contribute a share to all the bills, food shopping and anything related to the kids. By the time i have done all of this i have a very small amount of money left to myself or non at all. Sometimes I would like to buy myself books, or go out with a friend or get my hair done but just dont have much money left. Considering that my partner earns considerably more than i do, would it be fair if i asked him to cover all the bills , and with the money i earn i can use that to cover all expenses related to the kids and myself.

What an absolute Scrooge. I never understand how people get in these situations. Why would you want to be with someone, have children with someone, who treats you so unfairly?! He's happy for you to do all the childcare and still live off peanuts. The mind boggles how this is ever acceptable for people.

If he wants her to go back to work he needs to use his voice and tell her, not financially penalise her until she does, and get her pregnant a second time.

It feels like there is a lack of communication all round in this relationship to be honest

So you earn £500 a month and he still makes you pay bills!

having said that as a pp pointed out did he agree to you giving up work?

in your shoes I’d go back full time and make him split half of everything and do half of the pick ups drop offs/ housework cooking etc

Fuck a big wedding. Just go to the registrar's and get it done.

100% with you on this.

I honestly can't believe the number of women accepting situations like this. I despair.

Sigh. OP I despair - you’ve got yourself into a very difficult situation. I would pool money together and share everything. If he objects as he earns more than you - you’ll see what kind of man he is.

What's his contribution to childcare, housework, nightfeeds?

We don’t know that he hasn’t….that’s why I asked.

@SecretVictoria Baby 1 was unplanned and we wasnt living together at the time. I did have an independent life. He does state that he wants me to work but he also tells me to sort out childcare myself as he thinks its too expensive for him to cover .

Agreed. I see some women thinking being modern and equal means paying half no matter what even when they are put in a suitation that detriments them.

I firmly believe that being equal means that both people in the relationship end up with the same amount of funds to spend and you weather the bad times and celebrate the good times together.

I'm sick of seeing women using savings to cover their maternity leave because the man won't cover it even if he can afford it. And women buying all the baby things, or saying they can't go to work because they can't afford childcare. That's not equality. That's the very opposite of equality.

@Quitelikeit Last time i worked was when i was 3/4 months pregnant with my son. The job was only a temporary contract so after it ended we mutually decided that theres no point in looking for another job at that point. I had also started a course so continued my course full time and completed it when my son was 2.

You are just supposed to sort childcare yourself? If it is too expensive he shouldn't have got you knocked up should he?

You need to have this out with him as you are not in a great position

@DillyDallyDooo plays with the kids and washes the dishes like once a month probably

Fuck him off and claim CMS, he's an arsehole

I know it's a cliche that MN jumps to LTB to quickly, but honestly he doesn't respect you, or care about you, he's a bad partner and a bad parent. You can spend years trying to get him to change, but he won't, or you can cut your losses and be financially better off.

So looking at that as a percentage....

Washes the dishes once a month. So about 3% of the month. So pay 3% of your income, £16.50 a month.

Job done ✔😀

"He does state that he wants me to work but he also tells me to sort out childcare myself as he thinks its too expensive for him to cover ."

Is this an actual joke?

Just.... how....???

@Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead Yeah i have thought of this too. I have looked into other options like getting somewhere to rent and hoping getting help from housing benefit to cover the rent until im on my feet. Even putting him on child support too, I do feel like i would be better off financially. But i just havent acted on it yet.

he also tells me to sort out childcare myself as he thinks its too expensive for him to cover

That’s because your childcare labour is free AND you get to contribute extra for the privilege…

If he wants things to be an equal split, he can pay you for childcare and then you can split everything 50-50.

Your unpaid domestic work and childcare has value. "Bill" him for his share of the childcare, cleaning, cooking that you provide etc and factor it into your contribution if he is going to be that petty.

Have my first ever LTB. There is no hope with this one. You would be better on your own. Hideous individual. I couldn't even be bothered speaking to him. Just get his stuff tomorrow, Chuck it out the doors / windows / whatever and communicate through the CM from now in. No point wasting energy on him. Vile man.

@twinklestarin ask him for the money you're owed for childcare since you're sacrificing working and earning money by caring for yours and HIS children. Then tell him you'll pay your share of the bills. He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Is he self employed?

Em... I don't like the sound of your other half at all, but regardless of that you need to stop selling yourself short NOW. This is as much a you problem as a him problem. Because you don't know how much you are worth. And you are worth A LOT. I had my first child unplanned but my (now DH) was 18 and gave me his bank card ( I know it's illegal but the thought was there!) . You deserve a to have the means to buy yourself a book! (and the money to make sure your needs and even some wants are met.) Theis is absolutely unfair. Sit him down and talk it out and you will know where you stand. Good luck!!! And do not downplay your massive contribution to family life! I see it even if you don't.

Act on it on your timeline. So get yourself sorted and then leave him. I think you have finished your college course? So you can start looking around for work. In the meantime look at the benefits calculator and see what you could be entitled to. I think there is a CMS calculator too. That will give you a budget to start looking for housing etc. You don't need to rush, just take it methodically and start prioritising yourself.

If you stay he will bring up your children with the attitude that you are a second class citizen. Don't let him do that to you or to them.

Whatever you do don't let him off the CMS. It's about time he started paying his way.

@Shauna27 I have made comments like this before but he really doesnt see it this way. I guess the reason why i contribute to bills is because i was tired of hearing him tell me i live rent free. He was even telling me at one point that i shouldnt use the washing machine if im going to use it more than twice a week and go launderette since the energy bill is high. He was even complaining about the smallest things. I felt uncomfortable overall so Ever since i started paying towards these bills i dont get any comments