Should i ask my partner to cover all the bills instead of us sharing?

[twinklestarin]

My partner works full time and earns around 200-250 per day. I am currently a stay at home mum to our DS who is almost 3 and DD who is 5 months old. I do intend to start work once my youngest is old enough to go nursery. For now i've been doing a private tutoring job from home which i only earn £550 per month. I could earn more but its hard to do more due to juggling the home and children. My partner expects me to contribute a share to all the bills, food shopping and anything related to the kids. By the time i have done all of this i have a very small amount of money left to myself or non at all. Sometimes I would like to buy myself books, or go out with a friend or get my hair done but just dont have much money left. Considering that my partner earns considerably more than i do, would it be fair if i asked him to cover all the bills , and with the money i earn i can use that to cover all expenses related to the kids and myself.

She absolutely DOES NOT need to be married to this man. Marrying an abuser is NOT a good idea.

You're not the selfish one here.

Seriously why/how do women keep getting into these types of relationship arrangements? You’re literally just f buddies who have kids, that’s not what a marriage and partnership is supposed to be.

I can understand how your childhood has affected you, it can be bloody hard navigating adulthood (let alone parenthood) with a difficult upbringing behind you. And I am sorry for that (and I can empathise with that). You can make massive changes and you can create the type of environment you want for yourself and your children. You already know the things that are jarring with your values (The things you have mentioned and the things you haven't). This is important and not to be ignored. Post, and listen to others, but also (and more importantly) to yourself.

"He does state that he wants me to work but he also tells me to sort out childcare myself as he thinks its too expensive for him to cover"

How does he justify this? They are his children too, he is equally responsible for the cost of caring for them, whether that's by supporting you or paying half of the childcare fees as well as doing half the childcare during hours when childcare businesses are closed.

It seems like half the men out there just think that women are there to provide them with sexual pleasure with no responsibility on the man's part, and very little actual love. Very discouraging to see so many threads like this.

Caring for the children is your full time job.
The extra "tutoring" job should be your own personal spending money.

What does he actually pay in respect of the children?

Childcare is too expensive but he wants 100% custody if you leave? I think one of those is a lie.

Please find a way to leave, he's just a total arsehole.

Ita amazing how the abusive ones always want 100% custody when it helps them control someone and usually 0% custody in reality isn't it

Yes it is.

He is clearly an abusive man threatening you with taking the kids etc and him making sure you’re spending all your money is financial abuse . Let me guess your name is not on the house? So basically as a sahm you’re entitled to nothing from him if you were to split. Not sure why you didn’t want to marry but chose to have kids and give up financial independence with no legal protection but in divorce you would have been financially better off as you’d have a right to ‘his’ money but no doubt he won’t be marrying you now now that’s he’s got you trapped, but you don’t want to be marrying him now, you need to get out. He’s been using you as free childcare and domestic slave, expecting you to spend all your money without having any to save (for a rainy day) yet he’s earning the big bucks no doubt carefully putting it away and protecting himself. Nah. I would leave and get as far away from him as possible. No doubt co parenting will be a nightmare with him.

I cant imagine being with someoe who's happy to have lots of spare money yet thrur partner nobe, especially when they share children. It's worrying you think this is ok.

This sounds like financial abuse, he's trying to restrict you

I don’t understand these posts. Of course he should be paying for everything incl for the children. You are taking care of the children, during paid childcare hours if you were not working from home (or even if you were).

What is this mindset where the woman just goes along with whatever the man says. I would tell him right now that he will be paying for everything and he’ll like it. And you will keep your small income for yourself as you’re providing childcare.

A mother who is spending time with her children in the most crucial early years (actually all the years through teens are crucial years) is to be respected (same if it were reversed and the father was doing it). Furthermore, I’d tell him to deposit his checks into one shared account and either you both work out the budget together or one of you do it. I do ours and haven’t had a problem in 26 years. There’s no way I’d put up with that.

I empathise deeply. This is a relationship red flag, I have lived it and ignored it and carried on. It made me ill.

It is toxic and over time you will feel smaller and smaller, less and less validated and recognised. It becomes a relationship of resentment and war not a blended parenting environment for the best benefit and interests of the children. It signals your efforts are constrained and your freedom with it, I would argue with intention to do this. You are denied access to the household income as you know and its being controlled in effort to keep you in submission. This will with time seep slowly into other coercive patterns in your relationship. This isn't adulting, this is the start of abuse.

Be brave, address it early and redress if you have other relationship red flags.

Did he actually want either of these children? Did he even want to be in a committed relationship with you if you weren't even living together?

Don't have children with men who don't want them. They generally are reluctant to pay for things they did not want.

I guess you could bill him for childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, bedroom services etc.
Find out the going rate for a nanny or au pair, private chef, cleaner etc and log your hours go for the month. I can guarantee you he will baulk when you hit him with the bill.
Once you charge him approximately ten times what he’s earning, which is about what you’re worth, money he’s contributing to his pension because he has you looking after his children and running the home, money he seems to think his own children should be grateful for rather than expect, then maybe he might start to appreciate you. But I doubt it.

If she was married to him does that make him less of a twat?

She absolutely DOES NOT NEED TO BE MARRIED TO AN ABUSER.

OP your posts have brought tears to my eyes.

What low self esteem you must have to think his abuse of you is acceptable. It's heartbreaking.

Quite apart from the financial abuse he is inflicting, the moment he threatened you that, if you ever dare to leave him, he would punish you by taking your babies away from you, you have not been in a relationship, you have been in a hostage situation.

He is a vile man, just vile. Please get away. I send you my heartfelt good wishes. x

OP definitely shouldn’t marry this man.

But @LlareggubTripAdviser is right, if a man owns the house/business then a woman would have been better off being married to him before having kids because she’d be entitled to half the house (or even to live there until the kids grow up).

If he doesn't agree bill him for the childcare!

Don't ask for this, as big weddings take ages to plan and save for. Ask for a simple wedding - a small registry office affair provides just as much legal protection as a massive wedding does.

Both your salaries should go into one joint account each month. Pay all essential bills out of that account. Whatever is spare each month gets split 50/50 between the two of you, and transferred to your personal accounts to spend as you please. Your loss of earnings is a massive 'expense' and he needs to pick up his fair share of it.

Although, apologies, I missed that he is abusive. Don't marry an abuser - get the hell away from him.

Seriously, all these “present him with the bill” posts?! Because that’s going to end well! The man is abusive and the OP has walked herself into a shitstorm. What do you think the outcome of casually billing him will be? Im
pretty sure it won’t be “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise, here’s £28k to cover the last couple of years”.

you say the first baby was unplanned? Did you both plan the second? I’m wondering if you wanted another or if he did? I question his motivation there.

You don't need a big wedding to get married, just book a registry wedding for around £200 & job done. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/