To expect DH to help me whilst the World Cup is on

[Sheilazwheelz]

I mean with the kids? Should I expect him to help me put the kids to bed whilst the footie is on? He seems to think he is exempt now.

Then it’s a bigger issue than him just wanting to watch the football.
In a healthy, happy, equal relationship I doubt anyone would be upset about doing a solo bedtime while their partner was busy doing something else.

If it’s an equal thing and it would be easy for her to say ‘ooh a good drama on telly, I’ll be watching that when it’s on twice a week all this month, so you do tea and bedtime and I’ll do nothing’ then of course it’s reciprocal so it’s not a problem! But judging by her feeling her husband is ‘helping’ with childcare I imagine it probably isn’t reciprocal.

This. I think it's unlikely OP does something that would absolve her of involvement in the evenings to this extent. Sport is quite unique in that regard, yet you always have people saying "oh it's special to them let them do it!" It's just too much. The England matches, sure, but all of it is too much unless she's carving out absolutely loads of free time elsewhere.

I agree with legallypinkish, I don't know why people make such a drama of it. When they were very little I used to nip upstairs and run the bath beforehand, whip them up, whip them in, into pj's, a cuddle, 2 minutes of the shortest book ever : eg a short book like : 'I like it when' - which has about 6 pages of the most delightful book and can be done in about 2 or 3 minutes. A kiss. I was back downstairs in about 10 minutes!

YANBU to expect OH to share parenting of his children with you. YABU if you assume this has to be a rigid I do night x and you do night y all the time. Find yourself a regular activity at bedtime 1 night a week and just let him know after Christmas you’ll be out till 8pm every Tuesday or whatever so he will need to do tea/bedtime. Most (not all) men are totally rubbish at noticing how much someone else is doing to facilitate their life. Most women probably would be too if roles were reversed. Have a chat with him and say you are unhappy with the status quo and what you want to change. Think what would be fairer and put steps in place towards that. We run a family calendar on google sheets. All our after school stuff is on there.

Every game? Throughout the whole of the World Cup, including the pre match shit chatting?

I reckon if your DH was engaged and present and committed to pulling his weight during non football times, this wouldn't be an issue, but, I sense he is not. **

As 50% of the parents in the house, his TV hobby doesn't get him out of the "helping". Happily checking out to leave you to pull his weight, not **
attractive, football season or not.

Also, this sends such a stereotypical message to your kids, unless they see you regularly checking out of household tasks to out your feet up in front of the telly while he picks up the slack.

Wouldn't fly in my house.

I don't know how calling someone a cool wife for being able to put two whole children to bed all by themselves is the insult you want it to be

This.

If you automatically think of it in terms of him "helping" with his own children you're always going to be on a hidding to nothing.

If course you can put two children to bed on your own - but they're both of your children, as people fall over themselves to be seen to point out where it's a matter of a father wanting to do something a mother is uncomfortable with.

If you put them to bed alone on football nights, he can put them to bed alone an equal number of nights while you sit watching TV or reading (not while you clean the kitchen!).

Really though he should be starting from the premise that putting the children to bed is his job every bit as much as yours, and he should be starting the conversation about how he'll be doing non football nights on his own if he wants you to do football match nights alone when you'd usually do it together.

World Cup Is once Every four years 🙄.

The point isn't that of course any capable adult can put two or three or even four children under 6 to bed alone (assuming no relevant special needs etc.).

The point is that the children are the offspring of both parents and both live with the children. Both parents have equal responsibility and neither gets to unilaterally not bother with the tasks that are unavoidable, and assume without even thinking that its only something that they "help" their wife with out of kindness to her and don't actually need to do if they cba..

Surrendering to doing all the putting to bed if you don't want to so that the man can watch TV is what's bringing about the "cool wife" name calling. It's about making a big deal of not minding prioritising the man's wants and doing his share of the tasks he prefers to opt out of without this being a two way arrangement.

My husband also wants to watch every game in the Word Cup, and all stages of the Tour de France, and any other sport on tv through the year! But he has kids, so obviously I expect him to pause the game for a little while to help with bedtime.

The World Cup lasts for weeks, he can't opt out of parenting till after18 December!

@PorridgewithQuark so it's about prioritising the woman's wants and if you ever do a little bit more so your DH can do something he enjoys you're a 'cool wife'. Got it.

If its every match then that is a lot of matches. You seem to be getting a hard time OP. I think he should def do packed lunches clearing supper or other jobs each time to make ot fairer. There is a match almost every night at the moment. I'm finding a lot of entitled behaviour from my DH, mostly just telling me what is happening rather than saying "do you mind if.."
It's I'm going to James' tomorrow or James and Pete and Jim are coming over on Friday.

What, you aren't going to watch? But you were so jolly when you took part in the sweepstake. Surely that means you wanted to watch as many matches as possible?

I'm so over it.

What is a cool wife?

@Overthebow it's a wife who doesn't get the floppy lip on over every little thing.

Nope, you haven't got it as you well know - it's amazing how people think that pretending not to understand "wins" somehow.

It's about assuming both parents are equally responsible for the children and will by default both think about the unavoidable daily tasks associated with the children and discuss how to fairly deal with one parent having something that they want to do instead.

As soon as it's framed as the children's father "helping" with the children if he's got nothing better to do and the mother being pathetic/ incapable if she doesn't want to do everything herself by default without complaint or discussion, the "cool wife" accusations have some justification.

Awwww let him watch the football…

Awwwwww he’s normally great at helping….

FFS. It’s pathetic. Start watching the tennis and tell your DH that you shouldn’t be expected to ‘help out’ with your own kids when the grand slams are on. That’s eight weeks of the year where you can abdicate from family life completely because ‘watching the tennis’ can consume about eleven hours a day. See how accepting he is when the shoe’s on the other foot.

And see how many of the ‘awwww bless let him watch the footie men love their football’ crowd are here cheering you on in your eight weeks a year holiday from ‘helping’ - ‘awwwwww bless let her watch the tennis women love their tennis I bet she’s a gem at helping with the kids for the rest of the year’

Can’t he just record it and watch it later? Football doesn’t give him a free pass from
being a parent!

England matches (assuming that’s who he’s supporting) - fine. But I think every single match is excessive. And like others have said, it really depends on the wider context. If you generally share parenting duties and this is just a one-off because it’s the World Cup, then I think that’s reasonable. But if this is just another reason to not pull his weight, then that’s not ok. Are you regularly offered the opportunity to do stuff you enjoy and leave him to put the kids to bed? I think it’s really important that parents have stuff for themselves outside of parenting, but it has to be both equal and reasonable.

So when my DH surrenders to putting our children to bed so that I can go to yoga, or out for dinner with a friend, or any other activity I do in the evening, does that make him a ‘cool husband’?

If you have never discussed with him that you will be doing yoga on Thursday and just bugger off without checking he'll be home to do it, and if he never has nights of you putting the children to bed on your own, because he's the default parent and you only "help" if you happen to have nothing you want to watch on TV and nowhere you want to go, then yes.

There is a big difference between:
a) Only England games from kick off
and
b) every match for the whole tournament including the lead up and post mortem

Also those saying 'it's only every 4 years' obviously haven't included Mens and Womens, World and Euro, qualifiers. It all adds up.

There's probably a reason the OP is complaining, and it's probably not just because of 1 match.

I hate the assumption that it is fine for the world to stop for men so they can watch the football whilst their partner picks up all the pieces of family life. What if the OP wants to watch the football? Does she have to rush round doing everything whilst catching snippets of the matches?

Every England game or every single game of the world cup?

Football World Cup tournaments are more frequently than that. I thought we'd now reached a point where we all know that women are football players, too, with their own major tournaments to compete in. I don't like that when we say "the football" or "the World Cup" we still mean "the men's...".

Well I watched the match last night whilst DH put the kids to bed.