To ask neighbour to shop for me?

[penny4books]

Not sure if this will look cheeky.

I'm not close to my neighbour but I have no other options. If you've read my other posts you'd know DS(14) was struggling with his mental health and hearing voices etc. I also suspect he has ASD and was struggling in school. I've not sent him to school for a few weeks and he hasn't mentioned the voices for a while apart from yesterday. He's still struggling to sleep and last night he didn't get to sleep until 5am and then he woke up at 8:30 so he (we) is very tired today and I suspect he'll go back to sleep.

He has a MH assessment in a few weeks. The issue now is he won't leave the house, yesterday he wanted some biscuits which we didn't have so I told him we needed to go to the shops, which he agreed to and got ready etc, I don't drive so we had to walk which he couldn't do as he said he felt dizzy, his head hurt and he was very pale etc so we went home which he was upset about.

I've done an online shop which won't be here until tomorrow but I need some milk and a few other bits for dinner today (mainly for DS as he won't eat what we have in) I was thinking of taking him to the shops on the bus which he might enjoy but he is tired and I'm not sure how he'll be in the supermarket.

I'm no longer with my partner as he wasn't supportive of DS and I need to focus on him at the moment, his dad isn't involved he sends DS a birthday card and that's it, he hasn't seen him for over 2 years. My friends don't live nearby.

My only option is to ask my neighbour, we aren't friends but I know if she asked and was in this situation, I would if I could.

Is this cheeky though? AIBU?

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He's an unwell 14 yo.

he's hearing voices etc, no way would I be leaving him home alone!!

yes, feeling ill when going out is not being helped by not going out, but the way he feels is real, horrible & makes you not want to go out. Even as an adult that knows better. When I came out of hospital (after an accident) I desperately wanted to start my regular walking again, but by the time I got to the end of the driveway, I thought I'd throw up or pass out, possibly both. It's an awful feeling.

Personally I’d want to know why the partner can’t shop. There is clearly a back story here. The op says they have a good relationship but he thinks the lad is just misbehaving, clearly the op doesn’t think that, there is also a step son. So others who can help, so I’d want to know why I was being asked and why not someone else, like who actually lived there.

If he sleeps at 8.30 for a few hours surely he won't be tired all day! I'd go on the bus if he's OK with that.

I would only ask a neighbour if you didn't have any food at all and couldn't get an online slot, like in the early days of lockdown, or if you were asking them to buy a few extra things when they were already going themselves. Asking them to make a specific trip at a specific time to get specific food when you've got food available and more coming tomorrow is really cheeky!

I'm sure ds would eat something that you've got, even if it's not the most nutritious or appealing. If he doesn't, being hungry for a few hours isn't going to kill him!

I'm very sympathetic that he's ill but he's old enough to understand that if he can't be left alone or come with you to the shops then a natural consequence is that you can't magic up his favourite foods!

Stop pandering to his whims.It won't help him or his MH.

If he wants biscuits and won't go to the shops there will be no biscuits. End of,

You can go to the shops without him.

Just because he's awake, doesn't mean you have to be awake.

Either, go to sleep and get some rest so one of you is rational.
Or, while he's in bed "not sleeping" , go shopping on your own.

I appreciate he's struggling but could you go?
yourself. Is he so ill that he can't be alone for a little while?

I would help without hesitation, but…. if I didn’t know the neighbour I would be a bit concerned that this would be the first of many requests. I would be a bit “huh?” if there were other people in the house who could go out.

As the OP, I would explore all other possibilities as mentioned here: Deliveroo/Iceland etc and there are community helpers in most places who will fetch things for you if you are housebound.

All the "shaming the selfish do-gooders" are making up scenarios in their heads and not responding to what OP actually wrote! She isn't in any sort of crisis, at the most not getting the food would be mildly inconvenient!

If a neighbour knocked on my door saying their cupboard were completely empty, they couldn't get an online delivery and their sick child couldn't leave the house of course I'd go, but it still wouldn't be straight away as I've got my own responsibilities to organise.

If neighbour knocked saying they've got food in the house and more coming tomorrow but their kid wants some biscuits, kid would probably be fine and even enjoy going on the bus but neighbour is worried it might tire him out, despite the fact kid isn't otherwise going to school so could sleep the other 23 hours (not even taking into account the whole partner thing!), so could i go today so kid can have his biscuits and preferred meal in time for dinner.... Then yeah I would think they were cheeky! I'd happily give them some milk if that was needed but other than that being without biscuits for 1 day isn't an emergency!

While advanced searching op might not be mumsnet "good form", in this case she specifically said "if you've read my other posts..." which suggests she's happy with people getting relevant context from her other posts.

whats the neighbour’s demographic? Reasonably young/healthy, I’d ask. Elderly/frail/disabled, etc, unreasonable.

It is cheeky unless it's an emergency.

Personally I'd check out delivery options first. While some people have suggested deliveroo etc it will depend where you live. Where we live (fairly rural) there's no Uber eats, deliveroo or anything like that. Just a few takeaways that will do there own deliveries for a couple of extra quid. Have you tried signing up for Milk & more - I don't think they do same day, but we used a lot for AdHoc little top ups of milk and bread during lock down as order in the evening for next morning.

Some supermarkets do same day slots (getting a plan that includes this could be well worth while in your situation!). Or get a takeaway delivery pizza etc for tonight until food.

Or you don't have a corner shop you can quickly pop to get essentials for a few minutes leaving DS at home?

Iceland/Asda/Tesco/amazon all deliver shopping. Amazon delivers within the hour in some areas.

With ASD kids it might not be a matter of 'preferred foods', some have restricted diets as part of ASD and won't eat anything but.

Fucking hell.
Why is there always one complete dick like this?

OP, I would be more than happy to help out a neighbour in your situation. Seriously. I really hope things look up for you soon

You should go to the shop on your own if he isn’t up to going. I’d think not being able to get basic life done is a step back/not a route to go down.

He's not a 4 year- old, he's going through a MH crisis.

I take it you yourself have experienced psychosis?

Oh the op says she’s not with her partner, so they must have just split up.

op do you have money?

I'd be happy to do that for someone, please don't feel hurt though if you ask and they can't for whatever reason.

In the past when I had to stay in the house I've had same day deliveries from Co-op and Morrisons if you can afford it?

Are you on NextDoor?

I don't think so, not as a one off if you explain your son isn't very well and you don't want to leave him. She can say no if it's inconvenient.

I am not passing the shops. Did you miss the bit where I WORK FROM HOME and have HOME DELIVERIES? Or the bit where I DON'T KNOW THIS NEIGHBOUR? There is no particular reason for you to know this but the first two of the above are because I am f*ing disabled and do not run around shopping for other people because I can't bloody shop for myself. And to answer somebody elses question - I live alone and have to help myself. Being disabled is also "isolating" and "hard", so going shopping for a complete starnger when I am not going shopping and I am working is not a "completely reasonable request". I do not know this person. If it were a neighbour that I knew, then I would do what I can to help. But I am not opening the door to someone I don't know to exploit my position. Since I don't know her from Adam then I have no idea whether she is telling me the truth or whether she is scouting out vulnerable people to exploit. And I am not taking that risk.

There is a huge difference between a neighbour (a person you know and who lives nearby) and a stranger (who is somebody you don't know so it's irrelevant where they live - they are not a neighbour, just someobody who lives nearby). And the OP doesn't want "some milk" - she wants somebody to go shopping for milk and "a few other bits" that appears to include "dinner".

Oh, and just to add.... this is the neighbour I don't know whose poorly son carries a knife??? I am sorry she's struggling with him but if you knew that the stranger at your door had a violent child who carried a knife to school, wouldn't you perhaps think twice about whether you want to be involved? The neighbour that I mentioned previously who helped the "strangers" - she ended up calling the police several times because of her kindness to them once, and actually moved after six months of harassment. I have had no problems with the same neighbours because my answer when they first asked was "sorry, no". I don't know them, I don't want to get to know them. Perhaps only really nice people move into your neighbourhood. I can't say the same about mine. Most people are lovely, but there are a few that I can guarantee you you would not nip to the sops for if they were (allegedly) starving to death, because they'd rob you blind whilst you were gone.

If my neighbour asked me to help them I wouldn't think twice about it and would happily oblige.

@Quveas - gosh you are angry…

I wouldn't mind my neighbour asking. That's not cheeky. I've always got milk in the freezer and could probably find a packet of bourbons too.

But I work full time, and have my own ds to raise by myself so I'm busy. I shop once a week, and plan all our suppers in advance. I'd expect others to do the same.

I would happily do it IF I was going to the shops, but I work until 1800 then have to pick the kids up and wouldn't want to take them to the shops.

Is there no corner shop / deliveroo / uber eats anything you can get delivered?