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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask neighbour to shop for me?

156 replies

penny4books · 29/11/2022 10:56

Not sure if this will look cheeky.

I'm not close to my neighbour but I have no other options. If you've read my other posts you'd know DS(14) was struggling with his mental health and hearing voices etc. I also suspect he has ASD and was struggling in school. I've not sent him to school for a few weeks and he hasn't mentioned the voices for a while apart from yesterday. He's still struggling to sleep and last night he didn't get to sleep until 5am and then he woke up at 8:30 so he (we) is very tired today and I suspect he'll go back to sleep.

He has a MH assessment in a few weeks. The issue now is he won't leave the house, yesterday he wanted some biscuits which we didn't have so I told him we needed to go to the shops, which he agreed to and got ready etc, I don't drive so we had to walk which he couldn't do as he said he felt dizzy, his head hurt and he was very pale etc so we went home which he was upset about.

I've done an online shop which won't be here until tomorrow but I need some milk and a few other bits for dinner today (mainly for DS as he won't eat what we have in) I was thinking of taking him to the shops on the bus which he might enjoy but he is tired and I'm not sure how he'll be in the supermarket.

I'm no longer with my partner as he wasn't supportive of DS and I need to focus on him at the moment, his dad isn't involved he sends DS a birthday card and that's it, he hasn't seen him for over 2 years. My friends don't live nearby.

My only option is to ask my neighbour, we aren't friends but I know if she asked and was in this situation, I would if I could.

Is this cheeky though? AIBU?

OP posts:
Backtothegymgirl · 29/11/2022 11:34

I think it’s ok to say “if you happen to be going to the shops and and I give you some money could you pick up a couple pf things for me, if not don’t worry, it’s just in the off chance” . I don’t think you can ask them to make a special trip for you no. Especially if it’s a drive away as you indicate.

there is generally other options, from a takeaway on, where you shouldn’t starve. If you have no friends or family who can help and he cannot be left alone and won’t go out. Then I think send the message in that manner so they can say no or offer.

MakeMineALarge1 · 29/11/2022 11:34

I'm sorry, but he is 14, perfectly capable of being left whilst mum goes shopping.
He got dizzy when he was out, probably as he isn't used to going out.

Backtothegymgirl · 29/11/2022 11:38

Hang on, on the 4th nov your partner was living with you and had a good relationship with your son and your step son also visited weekly. So although the father isn’t involved you have a partner who lives there? Why can’t he get the shopping?

AsdaYellowTins · 29/11/2022 11:38

The co-op do an online shop that arrives same day. We used that when we all had covid. Thoroughly recommend it. I wouldn't ask a stranger, I'd try to get something sorted independently .

medicatedgift · 29/11/2022 11:38

Can you ring the local shop and see if they can do a delivery for you?

MrsVeryTired · 29/11/2022 11:39

@MakeMineALarge1 OP has said he's hearing voices and having a m/h crisis, presumably she is concerned about leaving him on his own for his own safety.
Totally understandable.

SoupDragon · 29/11/2022 11:39

MakeMineALarge1 · 29/11/2022 11:34

I'm sorry, but he is 14, perfectly capable of being left whilst mum goes shopping.
He got dizzy when he was out, probably as he isn't used to going out.

You'd leave a struggling 14 year old with mental health issues, who is hearing voices and has suspected ASD home alone?

Don't be ridiculous.

OP ask your neighbour and explain. Like you I would help in those circumstances.

Frostycarrot · 29/11/2022 11:40

I think it’s ok to ask, and I’d be happy to help, but I probably would do without or get food delivered if it were me.
where do you live? Can you not deliveroo, Uber eats groceries or Amazon fresh? They normally come within an hour. It is more expensive, but it’s going to cost your neighbour fuel, time and effort to go for you too.

Backtothegymgirl · 29/11/2022 11:40

MrsVeryTired · 29/11/2022 11:39

@MakeMineALarge1 OP has said he's hearing voices and having a m/h crisis, presumably she is concerned about leaving him on his own for his own safety.
Totally understandable.

Well not really as three weeks ago she was living with a partner

SandyY2K · 29/11/2022 11:40

Uber eats abd deliveroo can get things from your local shops...like sainsburys, Asda and coop. Check the app to see what comes up in your area

VladmirsPoutine · 29/11/2022 11:43

I would do this but I can accept that it is a big ask of someone and your neighbour might say no for all manner of reasons. Only you can weigh up whether it's worth the ask.

gamerchick · 29/11/2022 11:43

Im kind of curious why your partner can't go as well.

MrsVeryTired · 29/11/2022 11:44

@Backtothegymgirl with her son also so not leaving him on his own Confused
He's 14, she didn't live away with her partner. Bad form to read through posters other threads though IMO.

Roundandnour · 29/11/2022 11:47

I wouldn't go for the neighbour as it s not a quick walk to the shop. If it was then op could go themselves.

even coop do same day delivery!

GiltEdges · 29/11/2022 11:47

You can only ask 🤷‍♀️Although personally I wouldn’t do this for any of my neighbours, nor would I expect it from them in return, but there are obviously others who would.

Do you not have Uber Eats/Deliveroo/Just Eat locally that you could use to bring you some groceries to tide you over until tomorrow?

howshouldibehave · 29/11/2022 11:48

Many people with teens with suspected ASD/mental health problems do still have to leave the house to eg go to work. I would just pop out and get a few bits. You say that, I was thinking of taking him to the shops on the bus which he might enjoy like that would have been a bit of trip out-are there closer alternatives where you can just walk to it yourself quickly and get what you need?

Flapjackquack · 29/11/2022 11:55

I can’t believe some of the responses on here. Are we really that lacking in empathy or an ability to understand that just because your 14 yr old is perfectly fine to be left, doesn’t mean the OPs son with acute MH issues is.

If it were me OP I’d probably check Uber Eats etc first if a possibility where you are as they have loads of deals on grocery shopping at the mo whilst they try and get it up and running. Does your neighbour work from home? If so they may not be able to help. I’d perhaps ask if they were going to the shops today and if they were then ask if they could help. I’d happily help a neighbour in this situation if I could.

BatshitBanshee · 29/11/2022 11:56

MakeMineALarge1 · 29/11/2022 11:34

I'm sorry, but he is 14, perfectly capable of being left whilst mum goes shopping.
He got dizzy when he was out, probably as he isn't used to going out.

Don't be so dense. He's a 14 year old having a mental health crisis, sleep deprived and hearing voices. I wouldn't leave him alone either.

OP ask your neighbour, you don't need to go into detail just say your son is ill. I'd do it if you asked but judging by some of these replies common decency is much like common sense - not that common.

Quveas · 29/11/2022 12:04

so all the people saying she’s a CF - if you had a neighbour asking you for help in a similar situation, and you didn’t know them already, are you really saying you’d slam the door in their face and refuse to help?

No I wouldn't slam the door in her face. But I am not going to the shops, I have my own shopping delivered, I am working from home... so no I am not going to drop everything to help somebody that I don't even know. And if I wasn't working etc., etc., I still wouldn't go shopping for somebody that I don't know. I don't know her, I have no idea why she is asking me, or why she can't do her own shopping... and I will wonder what the next ask will be. My next door neighbour once made the mistake of kindly agreeing to charge the new neighbours phone because "they had nothing in the meter". The next thing she knew there were daily, or even more, requests for a "loan" of food, money, etc etc. On the final occasion the woman literally pushed her out of the way to bring in her phone to be charged and my neighbour had to phone the police.

Just because somebody says they have XYZ problem doesn't mean that it's true or that they won't be a CF from then on. So no, you no more ask a neighbout you don't know than a stranger on the street.

Iceland do same day deliveries for £3.

Ivyonafence · 29/11/2022 12:16

Can't believe some of the responses on here.

OP, if you were my neighbour I hope you would knock on my door or leave me a note. Most people are decent and would want to help a neighbour if they could. Especially when you are in a crisis, and a once off small favour could really help you out.

If it's too hard for them they can say no.

I went to the shops for some elderly neighbours during COVID and some really nice friendships came out of it.

I'm sorry for what you are going through with your son. It sounds incredibly hard. He is lucky to have you.

SoupDragon · 29/11/2022 12:19

Just because somebody says they have XYZ problem doesn't mean that it's true or that they won't be a CF from then on.

and it doesn't mean that they will be a CF.

So no, you no more ask a neighbout you don't know than a stranger on the street.

if you can't tell the difference between a stranger on the street and a neighbour that's very sad indeed.

I hope you never find yourself in a position where you have no one to help.

Ivyonafence · 29/11/2022 12:20

Quveas · 29/11/2022 12:04

so all the people saying she’s a CF - if you had a neighbour asking you for help in a similar situation, and you didn’t know them already, are you really saying you’d slam the door in their face and refuse to help?

No I wouldn't slam the door in her face. But I am not going to the shops, I have my own shopping delivered, I am working from home... so no I am not going to drop everything to help somebody that I don't even know. And if I wasn't working etc., etc., I still wouldn't go shopping for somebody that I don't know. I don't know her, I have no idea why she is asking me, or why she can't do her own shopping... and I will wonder what the next ask will be. My next door neighbour once made the mistake of kindly agreeing to charge the new neighbours phone because "they had nothing in the meter". The next thing she knew there were daily, or even more, requests for a "loan" of food, money, etc etc. On the final occasion the woman literally pushed her out of the way to bring in her phone to be charged and my neighbour had to phone the police.

Just because somebody says they have XYZ problem doesn't mean that it's true or that they won't be a CF from then on. So no, you no more ask a neighbout you don't know than a stranger on the street.

Iceland do same day deliveries for £3.

Jesus, so if your neighbour approached you saying they were stuck home with a sick child, their food delivery wasn't coming until tomorrow, if you're passing the shops would you mind picking up some milk and sausages for them- you would automatically say no?

It's a completely reasonable request.

I'm not a particularly nice person but I know that being a carer is isolating and hard, and if all I had to do to make someone's life easier was drop some milk next door, I'd be happy to do it.

Ivyonafence · 29/11/2022 12:22

Are you on Facebook? Is there a local carers group you belong to? Or a local mums group? I see those requests all the time and they usually have a lot of responses offering to help.

Spacebears · 29/11/2022 12:23

Hi OP. Are you on Facebook/ any groups in your local area? You could make a post on there. Im sure someone will be willing to help you. I wouldn't put it on my neighbour tbh, as she might feel obliged to do it. Or as others have echoed Amazon fresh, Getir, Tesco do whoosh also. Uber eats normally deliver groceries and if you are a new sign up you'll normally get money off. Shopping will be with you in an hour max. However I really feel for you and I hope things get better for both you and your DSFlowers

SpinningFloppa · 29/11/2022 12:27

Oh I just seen you have a partner maybe it’s better to ask him then? I wouldn’t go to the shop if a neighbour asked me I don’t even really go to the shop myself I get everything delivered.