It is not natural for men to look after babies and possibly young children.

[TheYChromosome]

I shall start by saying I’m not asking for advice. Also before people pile in and either start bashing men or suggesting solutions this thread is not actually for that.

I have a baby 9m and DH has been looking after her since she was 8 weeks. I’m back at work.

So he is really the main care giver and spends with DC most of the time. Despite of that, she in general settles better with me and now we hit the separation anxiety it’s me that she clings to.

Really ideally there would be men on here and I would be interested to hear their take on it l. But as there aren’t many men perhaps the army of women can share their observations and experiences how there DHs find being around babies.

Really the point of this thread is to get a window into how men feel when they look after young children.

I find DH although he loves our DC he finds it difficult to look after her. As an extension of that when ever I’m not working he prefers me taking care of her as I think he finds it draining more than I do.

So again, point of this thread is to get some more insights into how easy or difficult men find it too look after babies. If there are men reading this please do comment.

I know, I know - we are a modern society and generally quite forward thinking, but…. Are there some natural biological inclinations that just will never fully change. All we can do is try to understand better and facilitate better.

We’re both men, our daughter has been home since she was around two months old, it isn’t at all difficult caring for her (obviously tiring at times). Babies and children often go through phases of having a favourite, at the moment I seem to be the favourite despite being the one at work while my husband has been on leave for the past five months.

It is draining looking after young babies and children and can be quite difficult. I don’t feel like the inherent biological connection of carrying the child makes that less so!

I don’t know, in my experience DH is much more able with DD than I am (as she’s getting older it’s evening up a bit). Neither of us are patient people but he seems to have a lot more patience for DD than he does for anyone else. He was generally better at settling her so he does bedtime etc. I’m the one who finds it more difficult truth be told.

I think being primary carer is bloody hard, the demands are pretty much non stop. I definitely handed DD over to DH as soon as he got in from work. He was more able because he hadn’t spent a day being cried at and puked on so had reserves that I didn’t by the evening.

It can be hell of a lot easier for a man than it is for a woman suffering with pnd.

Yes, it is tiring looking after a small baby and I'm not surprised that he likes to hand her to you when you're not working. I think many women would agree with that. Perhaps the issue is more that working men are less likely to agree to that, and more assertive at protecting their free time?

My husband was always far better at looking after our babies and young toddlers. I used to offload them to him the minute he walked through the door. He often came home at lunchtime to give me a break too.

I have an early years degree.

My baby is more inclined towards me for comfort. That includes sleeping, eating, crying. He likes his dad for playing, laughing, fun times. I would be the default person if he’s upset in any way.

He finds it more draining than you do because he is doing most of the chilcare. The first thing I'd do on maternity leave os hand DS over to DH when he'd get back from work. You're able to be better with DC because you haven't been with her all say.

Also, have you not seen the many threads on here where mums are saddened that, despite being thr main caregiver, their DC hit a stage of only wanting dad?

I do agree to a degree about biology and natural instinct in women as caregivers. I think in the 9months of carrying your baby, you're naturally becoming equipped to then care for them. But some of the points/examples you give seem to just be a case of you having a worn out DH, which can be expected as he is doing the bulk of childcare. It's not a walk in the park you know, even for many women.

Agree that men do feel more entitled to free-time. My DH doesn’t always understand this. You have to steal those moments. You won’t get a whole football match or a hot dinner. Unless you leave the house! He has the luxury of getting to work in peace (and doesn’t realise) whereas I often have a screaming toddler pulling me off the loo while I’m trying to get out the door for work with both mine & his stuff in tow.

Thanks for the comments so far. Interesting point about men being more protective, assertive or entitled to their free time. @Simonjt I suppose with your situation given both of you are man you both are more on the same wave length in that respect.

Looking after a baby/ young child isn't hard but it is tiring and the repetitive nature of meeting their needs can seem relentless. So I get why if you've been doing it all day, you want a break from it.

When we had our first dc, neither dh nor I had any experience of handling or caring for a newborn: we were learning as we went along and tbh I think we were winging it as much as each other! The only thing dh couldn't do was feed from the breast but then this was in the era when I was back at work at 3 months so I was expressing and some feeds were bottle. Our dc was at a childminder as we both worked so dh wasn't home with her but tbh I think we were both equally tuned in to dd's needs. IME young children go through phases of one parent being tbf 'favourite' and looking to them for attention but it changes from time to time so I wouldn't read too much into that

It probably depends on the man or the woman. My dh loves kids and babies. He was fantastic with them, although definitely less patient than me. I think if he'd had a different upbringing or had taken some parenting courses he could have been fantastic.

I also think some men (particularly from other cultures) feel the burden of responsibility to 'provide' and are very aware of how they would be deeply judged if they didn't earn. This kind of thing takes a few generations to overcome. So yes, I do think it's harder for men to be at home and you need to be a very strong character.

My DH is far more patient and determined with our young children then I am (baby 9 months and 3 year old).

I hand the baby to him when he's not working for a bit of downtime and he does mornings with both. It's normal to want a break from having a baby all day I do the exact same thing in reverse! It's finding a balance so you both get a break.

The baby will settle better for me sometimes but other times it's the other way around. Separation anxiety is difficult but can be worked on with games etc.

I think SAHD is more isolating than SAHM. Being the only male at baby or toddler group, less chance of a friend being off at the same time... just generally feeling the odd one out.

Nearly 50 years ago, DH and I swapped roles...he stayed home with DC and I returned to work when baby was 5 months. It was a pretty revolutionary thing to do back then...hard to explain to anyone under 60, but i earned a lot more, and had a more secure job. We switched baby's sleep times...DC slept during the day, and was raring to go when I got home after 5 pm. I spent all evening with baby, and then did the work I'd brought home after 11 pm. On weekends, husband reverted to "male role". That was his time - I did the cooking, laundry, housework he hadn't done during the week, and he sat with his mates for a beer while i did the catering. DC2 and 3, he worked, did no housework, no shopping, no night feeds, no brainwork. I worked p/t, and studied to make me more employable. He was fine with babies, and attending to their physical needs, so long as they didn't irritate him. But had no idea how to handle toddlers and resorted to smacking rather than taking the patient route. That was his role modelling from his own childhood, but there was nothing "instinctual" about how he parented. He was probably not typical of male parenting, even for those benighted times, but I would definitely agree that men do not find it so easy, in the majority of cases.

Not sure how you can conclude that you would be less drained if you looked after her fulltime.
That seems to minimise your dh's feelings of being drained.

DH became SAHP from when DCs were 5y, 16m and 4 weeks. I went back to work FT.

Three DCs are hard work whichever parent is main care giver. Physically I think it was easier for DH than me. I was recovering from a CS, so it was much easier for DH doing the physical stuff of housework as well as childcare.

PP who said DCs go through different 'preferred parent' stages has it right.

Growing up with DH as SAHP was great for the DCs. He is a naturally warm, even tempered person. He took everything in his stride. DCs grew up learning to cook and do DIY. My only criticism (light hearted) is that they didnt grow up learning to be tidy.

They are all now young adults. They tend to come to me for advice and to DH for practical problems.

Hmmm I don’t think it’s as black and white as that. I think there are many contributing factors.

I’ve worked with men in childcare (0-5yr olds) and yes there are more women and none of my male colleagues were interested in working in the babies room. Mind you I am a woman and I preferred the toddler and kinder group so I predominantly worked in those age groups, rather than babies. I love babies but running a babies room does require a high level of organisation and remembering multiple different routines.

Some people are naturally good with young children and some aren’t. Over the years I have had female and male colleagues who weren’t as naturally good with children as others. So, I think there is an element of some people are better with certain ages, male or female.

I’ve had teenagers as students or trainees and I found them a bit challenging. Whereas some people are great with teenagers.

As a parent I breastfed so my baby was very attached to me and my boobies. However, she also had a bond with her dad. Sometimes she would prefer him over me and then she’d switch to preferring me over him. I think it was her way of taking turns with mum and dad.

DH was the main caregiver when ours were little and worked part time around my full time job. It wasn't easy for either of us because we'd go weeks without properly seeing each other but the kids loved it. They still have a close bond at 19 and 20.

When they were at infants, he started as a TA and still does that now. He works in Y2 now with children with challenging behaviour and SEN and loves his job. He's an absolute natural with babies and small children whereas I really only hit my stride in the teenage years. Interestingly, we didn't have any of the typical teenage behaviour and they still love hanging out as a family.

I don’t think it makes a difference, looking after small people day in and out is hard.

Im a Mum and have two children , I found it boring and draining having a baby tbh ..

I didn't work for years and was the main care giver but I can see why he is bored .

I presume you earn more than him? Could the baby go to day care and he works a bit to break it up?

@GnomeDePlume I agree about it being great for the children to see a range of roles being modelled by both parents.

In our case neither of us was a SAHP because we both worked, but just the fact we were both working meant that cooking, housework plus things like childcare drops and pick ups were shared more evenly. Also there were times when dh was on leave and I was working or vice versa so on those days, the dc would have either dh or me home.
I think generally if you have a SAHP it's more tricky for them not to default into doing more domestic chores simply because it feels like the kids and home is their domain and earning is the other parents domain. I certainly found when I was on ML that I ended up doing more stuff life putting on laundry, prepping dinner etc simply because I was home to do it- not because of any greater innate talent!

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when dd was 8 weeks old. DH took 6 months leave and became the full time sahp and housekeeper. I did nothing except getting treatment and resting. DH did a great job, and loved it. For him, as a naturally "alpha male", he soon became a very "natural" baby carer.

I was the primary care giver when ours were babies but DH was pretty good at looking after them. I think sometimes women add unnecessary quality standards to childcare and then weaponise them against their partners. I’ve got a friend who describes her husband as useless with their children on the basis that he doesn’t make sure their clothes are matching and he always does them a jacket potato as a meal. I wouldn’t describe that as useless, just different.

I think being the main carer giver for a baby can be really draining and often quite lonely - both mine often settled better for my DH and I was very keen to hand them over when he got back from work.