It is not natural for men to look after babies and possibly young children.

[TheYChromosome]

I shall start by saying I’m not asking for advice. Also before people pile in and either start bashing men or suggesting solutions this thread is not actually for that.

I have a baby 9m and DH has been looking after her since she was 8 weeks. I’m back at work.

So he is really the main care giver and spends with DC most of the time. Despite of that, she in general settles better with me and now we hit the separation anxiety it’s me that she clings to.

Really ideally there would be men on here and I would be interested to hear their take on it l. But as there aren’t many men perhaps the army of women can share their observations and experiences how there DHs find being around babies.

Really the point of this thread is to get a window into how men feel when they look after young children.

I find DH although he loves our DC he finds it difficult to look after her. As an extension of that when ever I’m not working he prefers me taking care of her as I think he finds it draining more than I do.

So again, point of this thread is to get some more insights into how easy or difficult men find it too look after babies. If there are men reading this please do comment.

I know, I know - we are a modern society and generally quite forward thinking, but…. Are there some natural biological inclinations that just will never fully change. All we can do is try to understand better and facilitate better.

I'm not a man. I know my husband found it hard. And tedious. And draining. But so did I, so we shared pretty equally. I found the babies actually settled better for him a lot of the time when they were under 18m as I breastfed and when they saw me they just wanted comfort food then it was hard to get them to bed etc. With him they just fell asleep.

I find my partner copes infinitely better than I do with DS. When I was on maternity leave and had days when DS wouldn't settle/was miserable etc, you could guarantee DP would swoop in after work and DS would suddenly be all smiles and instantly settle for him. Now I'm back at work we split childcare 50/50 to fit around our shifts and the "favourite" tends to be whoever has spent the most time with him that day. DP definitely finds it easier to look after him than I do, but maybe that's because I'm always worrying and overthinking that I'm doing it wrong whereas he doesn't seem to doubt his abilities.

I should add I bottle fed and DP did his share of bedtimes/night feeds etc from the start, so we've never had a problem with one of us being better at settling him. I suspect it may have been a bit different if I'd breastfed.

It is not natural for men to look after babies and possibly young children This sentence belongs in a museum IMO.

When I went back to work at 6 months, my OH and I both went part time and looked after DD as much as each other. We found it as easy, or not, as each other. He, however, was much less of a natural at thinking about anyone but himself. He freely admitted that and tried to learn from me. He put it down to his mother, lovely as she was, having waited on him and his sister as a child. He was just not used to pulling his weight and thinking of others. We both think it was nurture rather than nature.

OP of course your baby prefers you and settles with you, she hasn't been with you all day!

Whoever is main care giver, be that wife or husband, the person whose at work all day get's all the attention when they come home.

My DH was a SAHD for DC1 and I was (am) a SAHM now for DC2 (and 1 when not at nursery). DH didn't struggle because he had a Y chromosome. He struggled because he didn't have years of social conditioning, "girls toys" e.g. baby dolls to "look after" as a child, hadn't been involved in looking after his own sibling as his mum is very sexist and thinks boys shouldn't do such things, and didn't build that schema in his mind during his formative years.

Once he got it, he was and is a better parent than me in many respects.

I struggled because I didn't have enough interest in being a primary caregiver. As a bisexual woman predominantly attracted to women, I expected to be in a lesbian couple and that I would be the one to go to work while my wife looked after the babies, then I had the grave misfortune to fall in love with a man and the reality was that the HV wouldn't speak to him about the child. At the parent/toddler groups, everyone ignored him (and me, by extension, for bringing a man). He couldn't breastfeed so couldn't settle the child like I could.

My mental health fell apart because society wasn't set up for a two-sex couple to live outside the "gender roles" society likes to push on us. Which is why it is so toxic to think we're "biologically programmed" to enact behaviours that are really social constructs designed to lift up men and keep women hobbled.

This is nothing to do with 'natural' or not, it's about how people are conditioned by society.

Bloke here. I was never full time carer but often had them for blocks of time - their mother worked part time. I think I might have found full time caring a bit intimidating. As it was I was good at nappies though I say so myself. But stressed over meals.

I imagine whoever is 'full on' parent is going to be less patient and sometimes come across as the grumpy one! On balance I'm inclined to agree with OP though.

@Unusually It's almost exclusive to humans and birds - in both cases the dad's have evolved to help in child rearing, as in nature the babies likely wouldn't survive with just the one parent. Think about how defenceless chick's and baby humans are, compared with for example a baby gazelle. They think that without the help of fathers, humans could never have evolved to have such large and intelligent brains. That is, humans are born early due to their massive heads (and narrow birth canals in bipeds), hence the "fourth trimester", which mothers need help through. And baby humans need an awful lot of iron to grow their massive brains, which somebody would have had to find (likely hunt for), whilst someone else sat with the baby.

Just listened to a really interesting podcast on stay at home Dads.

They used to think women were better designed for care giving as their amygdala changes shape after childbirth making them better at spotting danger and responding quickly.

Now they've discovered men have the same brain changes if they are the main caregiver.

thisjungianlife.com/episode-240-stay-at-home-dads/

Well we were the 'traditional' parents I suppose in that DH went out to work and I was a SAHM when DS was little.

However, as soon as DH got home he would take over the care of DS - feed, bath, bed to allow me a bit of me time every night (plus he used to love the splashing and later, chatting, when DS had his bath). I think I've bathed DS twice since he was 6 months old (he's now 15 and neither of us do the baths ha ha!) Both of us would take turns with the bed time stories as we both enjoyed doing them.

DH also used to get air miles with his work and, once every six months or so, he'd have enough to pay for me to have a weekend on my own in London. So he'd take over the care of DS from Friday night until Sunday night. That began when DS was six months old or there abouts. When DS was three years old DH took him off for five or six days to visit family and friends in Scotland. I stayed home as there was a decorating job I was desperate to do and couldn't with DS at home (even being cared for - lots of dust etc). So DH offered to take him for a short break whilst I got on with my project. DH rented a flat so had to do the cooking just like I had to all the time.

And, surprise, surprise, both he and DS survived. I don't think it's anything to do with 'programming' or 'inclination' it's just that some people find certain things are easy and others don't. I find playing with kids (even my own, although I did it because he was my own) very, very tedious. DH can sit with any child for hours and play. I don't know how he does it - I can't!

I think you are asking in the wrong place, mumsnet you are going to get predominantly mums replying, I have no idea how my husband "feels" when he's being a dad, they are his children so it'd be an odd question to ask.

I can answer as a mum with 3 young children and an amazing husband who does his share. I have breastfed all our children and still am currently, I took mat leave with all of them and returned at 9months-a year to a full time job. Our children have always wanted me when they needed to go to sleep up until breastfeeding ended 18 months-2.5 years. My husband has done everything else as an equal from them being born (he was at work when i was on mat leave but he'd happily take over when he got home), they are his children too so why shouldn't he? One thing I will say is once I stopped breastfeeding my older 2 (they are 6 and 4) have preferred my husband over me ever since, he puts them to be and they run to him when hurt. Whether that is because we had 3 close in age and have breastfed pretty much without a break in all that time so they would seek out the parent that isn't busy I don't know?

My husband is a brilliant dad, he is better at parenting than me in many ways. He's more than capable of looking after a baby, in our case he just can't lactate or give birth so I did those bits and took the mat leave to recover/feed, he does everything else as an equal.

Wish there was an edit function . I don't think it's 'unnatural ' for a man to look after young children. Just less easy given societal pressures and our conditioning.

Sorry about your horrible experiences @WomenShouldWinWomensSports . Bit of a cliché ...but it does get better. Sorry for your DH too. I used to get the cold shoulder at the school gates. But that was a long time ago. Thought things might have changed.

My partner has always played an active role and childcare and parenting from birth. I couldn't imagine being able to maintain a relationship with him otherwise. Don't know what "not natural" means in this context tbh.

Amazing, that's so interesting!

My husband is a great father and has done a brilliant job bringing up our two kids alongside me. He comes from a single parent family where his mother was the primary parent in his life so not sure if that has anything to do with it. If we don’t socialise boys to take a bigger role in the home it may seem that women are naturally better but this is not the case in my opinion and experience. There are some shocking mothers out there and some brilliant fathers and vice versa.

A very similar story here but it continued for a couple of years. Our lo always ran to her dad. I could understand it but it was so sad. I didn't really feel like her parent, more her dad's girlfriend. She's four now, things have definitely turned around, I thank the universe every day.

I was a SAHD for both our children for a couple of years at a time from a young age. It wasn't easy all the time - there's no instruction manual for bringing up children but it was a great experience. I don't know where it stands in the great biological scheme of things but it worked for us.

In my experience if you're exclusively breastfeeding babies tend to want the mother more, because of the association with feeding and comfort. Other than that I think it's quite common for the main caregiver to want to hand over the baby when their partner gets gone from work, whoever they are!

Having DS nearly killed me and I was in and out of hospital after I had him. DH was wonderful caring for newborn DS and toddler DD. We've both happily had periods as SAHPing. DH only ever struggled to bond with DS because of the traumatic birth giving him PTSD. He bonded after the straight forward births easily. I had PND every time and found it much harder to bond. He was my rock in the early years

Tbh he's better with newborns and toddlers than me, but I'm better with babies and preschoolers.

This is totally dependent on the person, not their sex. My DH is the main care giver and I work full-time. DD was breastfed btw since this was mentioned. I find looking after DD extremely draining and boring. My DH loves it. He is very imaginative, so loves playing with her but also seems to have never ending patience to set boundaries and keep his cool during tantrums. DD comes to us equally for comfort. Some days I'm the favourite, other days it's DH. It's attitude's like OP's that make it difficult for SAHD to settle in playgroups etc. Sadly not the first time we've heard that sentence.

Nobody is ‘naturally’ good at looking after small children. I hate that mindset, it’s just absolute nonsense and it gives men that silly get out of ‘oh it’s haaaarrrrd for me, it just comes naturally to women.’ Like cleaning, present buying, remembering birthdays, appointments, and so on and so forth.

How many threads do you see of overwhelmed new mums on here? They’re not suddenly good at it, they have to do it day by day by day and they learn the whole time. Plus they don’t have the societal acceptance of rolling round like a helpless pissbaby who ‘can’t’ do it. They have to do it, so they do it. Nothing natural about it.

Yeah this was not my experience in any way. My DH is fairly useless in a lot of ways but he was an absolute natural at looking after our 3 children from the minute we got home from the hospital, despite having never held a baby in his life. He had no idea what he was doing but was just as good as me at everything apart from the breast feeding.

I agree, we are mammals at the end of the day.

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus Paternal investment is determined by multiple factors beyond 'being a vertebrate'. It is also not that straightforward to extend non-human animal behaviour to humans. Quite Darwinian and disregards the complexities of human history, culture, and society.