It is not natural for men to look after babies and possibly young children.

[TheYChromosome]

I shall start by saying I’m not asking for advice. Also before people pile in and either start bashing men or suggesting solutions this thread is not actually for that.

I have a baby 9m and DH has been looking after her since she was 8 weeks. I’m back at work.

So he is really the main care giver and spends with DC most of the time. Despite of that, she in general settles better with me and now we hit the separation anxiety it’s me that she clings to.

Really ideally there would be men on here and I would be interested to hear their take on it l. But as there aren’t many men perhaps the army of women can share their observations and experiences how there DHs find being around babies.

Really the point of this thread is to get a window into how men feel when they look after young children.

I find DH although he loves our DC he finds it difficult to look after her. As an extension of that when ever I’m not working he prefers me taking care of her as I think he finds it draining more than I do.

So again, point of this thread is to get some more insights into how easy or difficult men find it too look after babies. If there are men reading this please do comment.

I know, I know - we are a modern society and generally quite forward thinking, but…. Are there some natural biological inclinations that just will never fully change. All we can do is try to understand better and facilitate better.

Implying women who can't or don't want to breastfeed are inherently worse parents that those who can and do.

I am a woman. I found looking after a baby difficult. I loved it, but it is very tiring and challenging, worrying, scary at times...
I think babies get clingy with their mothers because they carry the food.
Otherwise, mine loved her father, he was her favourite and I am her "slave" lol

There are no different biological inclinations when it comes to men looking after children. Looking after babies is completely life changing and often completely exhausting. If you had been the parent staying at home you might observe your self to behave and feel exactly the same way your partner does.

I know that the moment my husband would come home from work, I would hand him the baby as I was exhausted.

I think often, still, there is this assumed supposed difference between how men and women look after their children, e.g assuming the woman is always the nurturing one - often she’s not, which in turn gives the man the excuse to be less involved. Which in turn is a complete cop out. And so these negative gender roles get perpetuated.

Purely anecdotal here, but DH is much better with Dd than me. He has qualifications in childcare, and way more patience!

In terms of personality traits, women are more likely to score highly on ‘agreeableness’. For this reason, women are sometimes better suited to childcare as it is linked with altruism. However, some men are highly ‘agreeable’ and some women not, so it isn’t that simple.

YABU. I’m a woman and I found looking after my newborn hard, exhausting, relentless and I was, quite frankly, regretful. (I’m not now).

DH wasn’t great either - but it’s not because women are naturally better at being with children, it’s because thousands of years of socialization have raised us in the caring role, and we are basically groomed from being young girls in to being more nurturing and gentle.

There are female hormones that are supposed to help us wake up more to feed a baby, but I never found them particularly useful at making me more able to cope with wakings!

@Guiltycat I agree with you - particularly on surrogacy.

My husband is a fully functioning parent. We were quite keen for one of us to stay at home with the kids before they started school and he would have been very happy to have done that had he not been the one with higher earning potential. I've breastfed the kids but other than that he definitely doesn't need any input from me to meet their needs (although the scheduling that comes with older kids isn't his forte). He doesn't consider it part of helping me out, just something he needs and wants to do so maybe he's more willing to take initiative.

It's a personality thing. Some people are more nurturing than others. It isn't about their sex.

I think he finds it draining more than I do.

You aren't the main carer so of course you're less drained by it.

It's exhausting for everyone. Stop promoting this nonsense that women aren't also exhausted by sleep deprivation, noise and constant attention.

not RTFT but: i didn't find it at all easy to look after babies, never played with dolls and ignored younger siblings.
DH has lots of siblings with children and grew up in a big messy family.

It came very easy to him and hugely difficult to me.

It's not down to biology. And while you're not looking for solutions: until everyone stops shoving all things baby/child on women and making men out to be heroes if they do a millionth of the work things will nver change.

I have a savage maternal instinct that I've always had and I don't want to share by baby. I was a single mum so I didn't have to. Luckily he hasn't grown up to be Norman Bates haha.
Out of my friends I know two dad's who are patient and kind with their small children andook after them equally. The rest don't and don't have much patience with them.

Looking after a baby all day, everyday is draining. The dynamic when there’s two of you at weekends is completely different and taking a day off to look after DC just isn’t going to give you an idea of the relentlessness as it’s actually novel. To see how draining it is, take a week off work and send DH out without you for the time you’d be at work. You will almost certainly want to hand DC over when he comes home. It has nothing to do with you handling it better, it’s that you haven’t done it. When you do it, you might have a personality that can deal with the relentlessness more because some people do deal with it better but it’s not related to you being a woman.

DD was equally attached to me and DH when she was born. Even in the early days DH was the one who could settle her because I smelt of breast milk. Babies have their favourites and that changes regularly.

Is one of you the biological dad Simonjt. Do you think that makes a difference?

DH definitely found it hard and didn't enjoy it, but cracked on with it, and I was exactly the same. I wasn't the "natural mother" I was supposed to be. We muddled along until they got to a more manageable age, we both much preferred it when they could talk and explain what they needed!

DH was much better than me. I cannot cope with no sleep and DS had severe reflux, I swear I can still hear the relentless screaming 18 years later!
I was much better with tweens and teenagers.

I suspect most dads feel the same as mums - if the baby’s ‘easy’ then it’s nice, if the baby’s ‘tough’ then it’s a sleep-deprived hell. Breastfeeding notwithstanding it’s pure luck of the draw who the baby will respond better to.

I'm not maternal at all. I was a SAHM and an able and competent caregiver for my daughter. My husband on the other hand, total and utterly fabulous, loving and 100% hands-on, natural daddy... He would come in from work and take over, do the night shift on the weekends. Get up early and have breakfast with her so I could get some sleep until he went to work. WE decided to have a child, so WE have raised her. Luckily he was of the same opinion, but there's no way I would tolerate what some of the women on MN accept.

I do think that there is a biological difference between men and women and an innate instinct in women to care for and take on that role. That's not to say that women find it easier or that men can't do that role just as well, or that there aren't women and men that don't possess a typical reaction to children.

Exactly this

Research papers clearly show that men can care for children, just as well as women. It’s not gender that makes a difference.

There are too many variables at play to pin how good or bad a parent is on one thing

As others have said, it's quite variable. IME some fathers never take to fatherhood and escape at every opportunity. Others embrace it with everything they have.

Personally I loved it but it's knackering. My wife had a C section with our second and was seriously ill, so I did the night routine for a solid six weeks after birth. I had no issues bonding with our first but sometimes wonder if that six weeks feeding and settling does something else as I feel I've a much deeper connection with her. I love them both the same and we all get on great but it's just different with my second. I can't explain it really.

My wife stayed home during the day but worked evenings so I did the night time thing for years. Again, knackering, sometimes relentless (especially when they wouldn't go down) but loved it. When my wife stopped working evenings they weren't interested in her taking them to bed at all. I thought they'd be bored of me and my stupid stories but I guess not. But they'd go to her most for comfort, me for other things. I guess it evens out.

My kids are in their twenties now and really enjoy their independence, opinions and everything else but I treasure the time spent when they were little. You easily forget the tears, frustrations, anguish but the silly moments stay always.

Are we biologically suited? I've no idea. My girls say I'm like Bruce from Finding Nemo because I never knew my father 😂. So I'm still faking it until I make it but perhaps that's made more of a difference than biology. Would be interesting to know.

We've found that our DC cling to me (mum) more in the first year/ year and a half then there's a shift and they're all about daddy! 😂 but while my husband is amazing with the kids, he definitely finds it harder in long stretches than I do.

It's a strange one I think. DH went part time after we had our first child as I earned more so stayed being full time. My mat leave was quite short (6 months but some of that before DC was born) so he was at home with the baby from quite young. DH has always been a very, very hands on Dad - I breastfed but he did almost everything else.

My second was a bit of a nightmare baby who wouldn't tolerate anyone who wasn't me so I took longer mat leave and then also went part time but still DH did the majority of childcare related things. I would say that he is more of a natural parent than me. However it has always been me that the DC have clung to and cried when I was leaving etc. Never DH.

So sorry a bit of a ramble but I wouldn't totally agree with the title statement of the OP although I think it perhaps depends on the man in question.