It is not natural for men to look after babies and possibly young children.

[TheYChromosome]

I shall start by saying I’m not asking for advice. Also before people pile in and either start bashing men or suggesting solutions this thread is not actually for that.

I have a baby 9m and DH has been looking after her since she was 8 weeks. I’m back at work.

So he is really the main care giver and spends with DC most of the time. Despite of that, she in general settles better with me and now we hit the separation anxiety it’s me that she clings to.

Really ideally there would be men on here and I would be interested to hear their take on it l. But as there aren’t many men perhaps the army of women can share their observations and experiences how there DHs find being around babies.

Really the point of this thread is to get a window into how men feel when they look after young children.

I find DH although he loves our DC he finds it difficult to look after her. As an extension of that when ever I’m not working he prefers me taking care of her as I think he finds it draining more than I do.

So again, point of this thread is to get some more insights into how easy or difficult men find it too look after babies. If there are men reading this please do comment.

I know, I know - we are a modern society and generally quite forward thinking, but…. Are there some natural biological inclinations that just will never fully change. All we can do is try to understand better and facilitate better.

I agree. We did shared parental leave. The one not doing it full time found it fun and had so much more energy for it than the one who had to do all the hard work in the day.

We had twins so pretty much split caring 50/50, he coped fine really. Both kids went through stages of preferring one parent over the other and would regularly swap preferences, they still do really. DH isn't that great at life admin but that's laziness rather than ability 🤷

Of course your child wants you when you get home, she hasn't seen you all day. And of course your DH wants to hand her over, he's been looking after her all day 🤷🏻‍♀️

No, and if it were the case it wouldn’t make any difference.

My H was brilliant, always has been with our now teenagers. We are separated now but on good terms and he remains a very involved father to them. He did the morning school run every day (I start work early). My H had a very involved father, I had a great dad too who was very involved with us children.

I therefore wholeheartedly disagree with the title of your thread. Of course it’s natural for a father to care for his young. I’m sorry your H is struggling. The fact is that some mothers find motherhood difficult too. It isn’t a man or woman thing.

Exactly that.

My friend lost his wife when their youngest was twelve weeks old.

The children are loved and cherished and they are rounded and secure. There is no woman on the scene.

Whether you have a vaginal or not is no indication on how well you look after a child.

DS was the main carer to three children for 8 years. I am full of admiration for him - 18 months as a SAHM with one baby was more than enough for me. It was a lonely life for him - mum’s would occasionally talk to him at the school gate but he was never invited for coffee and/ or play dates.

I didn't breastfeed beyond a couple of days for any of our DCs so I don't think they saw me as chief source of food.

Physically I think early days of childcare is physically easier for men. They haven't just been through childbirth, maybe recovering with stitches or CS.

Having DH as main care giver and me as main breadwinner was a great example for our DDs. They are both working on their careers and are settled with men who take a full equal share in running the home.

For DS I am less certain. On the one hand he has grown up seeing that a man can be main care giver but on the other he hasn't grown up seeing a man have a career. DS now works in a similar MW job as DH.

My great grandfather raised 5 children alone after his wife died young. Youngest child was 4. They all grew into happy, well rounded, loving and successful people. I adored my grandad and his siblings. My great grandfather did an incredible job.

My ex loved looking after them by himself. He wouldn't have loved it if I micromanaged him but as he knew nothing about babies he read up/ talked to other parents , copied things I did, learned on the job ( as I did) and got on with it.

Babies come out biologically programmed to want/need their mother - they can recognise her smell and the sound of her voice, it's all they've ever known. Prior to the invention of formula, a baby without its mother would likely die. There are strong biological drivers towards a preference for mum over dad.

That said, it's not a one-size-fits-all - fathers can and do parents extremely well, and adoptive parents too, it's not all driven by biology.

Read "The Life of Dad" if you are interested - seriously, it's one of the most interesting books I've read, and answers your question from a historical, biological, anthropological and chemical point of view. Did you know for example that if a dad lives with his partner throughout pregnancy, his hormones drastically change too? Not as much as the woman's, but still a lot?! I had no idea. The structure of his brain permanently changes too (as does a woman's).

For us, I'd say I've found the caring side easier (settling baby, cutting nails, caring for his eczema etc), and get less flustered when he cries (OH gets really spooked, bless him). However my OH is fantastic with ours overall, and is certainly more the fun parent since I've become pregnant again. This might just be us as individuals though. I'm lucky my OH is very good with children (they all follow him about at the park and at soft play 😂).

I found that my DH tended to be calmer when my babies were upset - whereas for me their upset often went right inside me and made me upset until I learnt to recognise this and manage it.

Until that point it was invaluable to have DH around to help me - I calmed the baby and be calmed me and reassured me that it was all normal, that it was fine to just try to grab sleep whatever way worked best, that this stage wouldn't be forever, that I was not "making a rod", that my babies were not "good" babies or "difficult" babies they were just being babies. He also helped me identify with my babies by thinking aloud about what their experiences might be like.

I think babies need a caregiver whom that can have an effect on in that way but also one who can tolerate the distress without getting too distressed themselves.

Of course primary caregivers over time develop the ability to at least some of the time be able to hold both roles at the same time but that takes a lot of work and development and probably not something a primary caregiver with their first newborn can manage right from the off.

On one hand DP found the baby stage easier and more enjoyable than me I would say (because of various things I was dealing with, also BF was difficult at first). He changed nappies, gave baths, rocked to sleep. DP faced some odd responses from the general public though, such as comments wondering why I “let him” take out such a young baby or offering to push the shopping trolley for him.

On the other, he was terrible at night, as time went on he didn’t get up at all, which made it very lonely and tough (especially when back at work). While he would change nappies (in the day) and give baths, I did most of the practical stuff as well like preparing meals, washing etc.

Apart from biological functions (pregnancy, BF) unless transgender, I would say the rest is unfortunately society.

I was exactly like your husband when I was on maternity leave. It’s hard work looking after a baby, I found it lonely and mentally exhausting. I have a stressful, responsible job which I found easier than being a stay at home parent. When my husband came home, he was a novelty and the kids went through phases of favouring him. So I don’t necessarily think it’s a make vs female thing.

I'm a man who works in the baby room of a nursery. I think temperament is the key. You need patience, a sense of humour, calmness, a caring attitude, and to be able to just 'get on with it' when things are rough. I think women are more likely to have most of those qualities but there are still plenty of men that have them too.

OP, when I read this my first thoughts were that you were projecting to make yourself feel better about being the one out at work.

As others have said, it is mentally and physically exhausting looking after a baby all day. I remember my DH getting home after work one day and he said he was just going for a quick shower and I told him what a selfish bastard he was (he's really not 😂). And yes - the separation anxiety thing is about them clinging on to you because you aren't there all the time.

I really hope you don't let DH feel any of this projection.

I am a woman and my DH was MUCH better at looking after our babies than me. I fed them but found it difficult to just 'be' with them or soothe them when they were crying, whereas he was very patient (stubborn) about getting them to sleep and loved just hanging about with them on him.

I don't think that says anything about people in general but until sometime comes up with an empirical study I 100% don't believe women as a biological class are better at looking after children than men. I think that idea has oppressed us for millennia as well.

@CoalCraft - @RampantIvy didn't imply that mothers who don't breastfeed are worse parents than those who do. She was just pointing out that only women can breastfeed. Which is true.

In the animal kingdom, can you think of any other mammals where the male looks after the babies and young?

Seahorses.

Oh sorry mammals 😁

Seahorses are mammals

Marmosets