It is not natural for men to look after babies and possibly young children.

[TheYChromosome]

I shall start by saying I’m not asking for advice. Also before people pile in and either start bashing men or suggesting solutions this thread is not actually for that.

I have a baby 9m and DH has been looking after her since she was 8 weeks. I’m back at work.

So he is really the main care giver and spends with DC most of the time. Despite of that, she in general settles better with me and now we hit the separation anxiety it’s me that she clings to.

Really ideally there would be men on here and I would be interested to hear their take on it l. But as there aren’t many men perhaps the army of women can share their observations and experiences how there DHs find being around babies.

Really the point of this thread is to get a window into how men feel when they look after young children.

I find DH although he loves our DC he finds it difficult to look after her. As an extension of that when ever I’m not working he prefers me taking care of her as I think he finds it draining more than I do.

So again, point of this thread is to get some more insights into how easy or difficult men find it too look after babies. If there are men reading this please do comment.

I know, I know - we are a modern society and generally quite forward thinking, but…. Are there some natural biological inclinations that just will never fully change. All we can do is try to understand better and facilitate better.

I think there's a huge difference between looking after your child for a few hours of an evening compared to day after day after day. I've got way more patience with DS on my working days than I do on day 3 or 4 of my non-working ones.

I don't think there's any biological reason why a man can't be just as good a parent as a woman. It's clearly socialisation.

Apparently when I was a baby the only person who could get me to sleep was my dad.
My husband has been every bit as much a parent as me from day 1. Better with nappies. I never got the hang of them!

If we give a group of people the message that babies aren't their responsibility for generation after generation after generation we can't be surprised if they believe that to be the case and act accordingly.

I think it does matter when they are very young. Young babies are more comforted by their mother and mothers generally want to be around them (barring PND/trauma etc.). The baby knows and reacts to the sound of its mothers voice before being born.

On a statistical level mothers are less likely to injure/kill/abuse their babies (this isn’t the same as saying all fathers will before someone jumps on me).

Adopted and surrogate babies suffer lifelong trauma after being separated from the birth mother.

But I think after a certain age, as long as the caregiver is a good one ultimately it doesn’t matter what sex they are.

Men should be encouraged to be involved with dc, this doesn’t mean you have to ignore the biologically reality of a very young baby needing it’s mother.

@Hollyhead agree, it's something you see on MN too sometimes.

This thread is interesting and thought provoking- thank you, @TheYChromosome!

What's coming across is that being 'good' at something (whether it's caring for a baby or something else) is often about just getting on and doing it, and becoming gradually more fluent and confident; not about being inherently just 'better.' It's clear from posters who've had their children's father as a SAHP that they've been fine in this role and that the children have benefited. I suspect many couples start off from the same base line, ie: knowing nothing about caring for a baby! Dh and I arrived home with 3 day old dc after I'd given birth and looked at each other in a state of panic- I don't think either of us had much of a clue!

But then you just get stuck in and learn on the job as it were. The risk is that if one parent monopolises everything or has ridiculously exacting standards like @Hollyhead describes, it then becomes a vicious circle with one parent believing they're genuinely 'better' and more attuned to the child and the other feeling less so.

With the separation anxiety I think it's you that she clings to because you're the one who leaves every day to go to work.

It sounds like your dh is not the happiest in the role that he has found himself in, almost as if he is reluctant and baby in my view will pick up with that. My eldest always settled well for her dad. He was confident and assured in his approach. He was much less so when we had out son as he mostly took care of our eldest when he got in from work. As a result our son wouldn't settle for him as easily and he would get frustrated and hand him to me. We quickly changed the set up and I left dh and son to it, dh found his own way and then could easily settle him. He's been confident with dd2 from the get go , she settles for him just as well as me. He has compressed his hours so he has her when I'm working.

It is partly explained by attitude and behaviour. Dh had long since wanted kids, he has always been hands on, would wake when I was breastfeeding to change our eldest and put her back to bed, he did 3 night shifts a week with our big two despite working full time, he helps as soon as he finishes work, he will feed dd2 and do her bedtime routine so I can sort out our other two. He has whenever I've gone back to wok done a lot of the caring for our children on his own and that means he is just as capable as me.

Don't think it makes a difference. If the mother breastfeeds then obviously the baby will be more attached to her. We bottlefed and my husband was just an effective caregiver as me. I don't think sex has to come into it.

It's quite normal for a child to appear more "attached" to the secondary caregiver because they're a novelty that must be enjoyed while it's available. The primary caregiver is taken for granted, because the child knows they can rely on them to always be there and available.

I'm also not surprised your husband wants to pass her back when you get home. Looking after a baby for long periods of time is draining.

With DD1 I was the main carer until I went back to work, though DH did his fair share. He then became main carer when I was heavily pregnant with / breastfeeding DD2, and she adapted quickly to seeing DH as her "default parent". I think he does find it tough at times, but so do I, and for the most part he does very well. In some ways he's a better parent to her than I am, while in other areas I think I have the edge.

On another note, my brother is primary carer to all five of his kids and outwardly appears to thrive in that role due to his natural patience and confidence.

My babies have all preferred me (they all still do) but strangely, my husband finds it easier to care for them that I do.

I get anxiety around them and often feel overwhelmed whereas he takes it in his stride. He'll happily take three young kids out on his own for big days out whereas I stay local.

Emotionally, he struggles though. He finds it harder to see their perspective and relate to them on an emotional level.

They definitely behave better for him.

If it was critical why didn’t you chase it up the day after it wasn’t dispatched? Everywhere ive ordered from recently had a note about strike delays which would have clearly put your delivery at risk

you could have presumably sourced another elsewhere?

just have a plan b without this critical item or reschedule

It’s hugely draining looking after a baby. When I was on maternity leave I was desperate to hand over the baby as soon as DH walked in. And keen for him to look after the baby at weekends because I was aware I had a whole week of looking after the baby coming up.

Also mine has always gone through phases of who he settles best for. When I was on maternity leave it was often DH he settled best for. Now we’re both back at work and he’s 18 months, he alternates his favourite every few weeks/months.

There’s nothing in your post that suggests sex differences. It’s usually the case that the mum looks after the baby, it screams all day, daddy comes home and baby settles instantly. Does that imply that its not natural for women to look after babies?

is this how your ‘guilt at not being there as much is manifesting? That’s what it sound like.
and if I were your DH, stuck at home all day with a baby, I’d happily hand the baby over as soon as I could too. I know I used to be very happy for DW to take over when she got in from work or on weekends.

When our own dc were babies, they definitely needed their mummy more than me, perhaps because of the physical connection through breastfeeding. We then went on to foster a number of babies and they were less picky.

With all of them, as they grew up, they needed both of us to different degrees at different times.

‘Guilt’ in commas because your child is safely with a parent and probably as secure and settled as they need to be at this age.

I don't think there's any biological reason why a man can't be just as good a parent as a woman. It's clearly socialisation.

Except for breastfeeding.

Babies are boring to look after all day long. I'm not sure how you've extrapolated some sex related theory from that just because your husband has a penis.

I felt like your DH tbh, especially in those early days I found maternity leave very difficult.

Now the DC are older we have different strengths as parents (and they are quite traditional - he's fun, I'm the one for an emotional problem) but we find it equally draining and difficult.

wonen undergo physiological changes after having a baby. Not just their bodies but their brains actually change to become more responsive to a new baby. It’s a fact. Men and women are not interchangeable. I’m not saying women should therefore always be stuck at home with the baby but it’s important to at least acknowledge biological reality .

I agree mums are better with babies/ toddlers. I don’t know whether socialisation/ hormones: maternal bond is the reason or combination of all 3.
men can be fantastic fathers and their role takes off ime from 3 years plus.
they can also be very good in the teens years too

Interesting topic! If I'm honest my DH was far better than me at soothing our kids and more instinctive. If you removed breastfeeding from the equation, I'd say he was easily the preferred parent and more natural so I'm inclined to say it's not biological.

It’s really common for babies to go through stages of preferring their none primary parent. You are more of a novelty whereas the person who does the most care is seen as an extension of themselves…. Just not very exciting!

In terms of enjoying childcare/having patience with babies, I’m not sure. My DH says he would struggle to be a SAHP, but he works from home and helps a lot through the days between meetings anyway. I struggle to switch off more when I go out without my LO though.

"an extension of that when ever I’m not working he prefers me taking care of her as I think he finds it draining more than"

I'm a woman and I also expected dh to take over when he got home. it's not less draining for Person B. But person A is already totally drained

I’m a man, and a separated parent. I had care of my son on my own for stretches up until 5 months when overnights started from there we rapidly reached a shared care arrangement. I also did all the day care for long stretches whilst Mum was working.

He’d look to me for comfort most of the time, and I could settle him very quickly. I for my part really enjoyed caring for him. We have a very strong bond now, which I credit very much to how present I’ve been in his life.

Perhaps you might be right in that across averages Mums do nurture incredibly well. However there are outliers like me. Wether that’s down to something intrinsic or cultural I have no idea.

In my own case two obvious points I can think of is a) my own father was absent and eventually left us which I remember acutely, I was NEVER going to have a child of mine grow up with an absent or emotionally detached Dad, b) I’m also something of a non-conformist and very much dance to my own tune. Fatherhood, was always something I was going to commit to and to the best of my ability.

Another caveat is my son was remarkably easy as a baby, I found I could sleep when he slept. He settled pretty quickly, took a bottle well, keeping him fed, rested and clean wasn’t all that challenging to be honest. However I appreciate babies can vary, wether I would have done quite so well with a more challenging baby I honestly don’t know. I remember those times as a pure joy. I also think because of the shared care situation I got plenty of down time to myself. So he really got a fully recharged and alert version of me too. Although I did miss him terribly when he wasn’t with me.

Maybe the take home is what is unnatural is “one” person being primary. I could see how being solely responsible as much as you love your child could grind you down wether you are a man or woman. I think childcare is best done as a team effort. It sounds like despite working full time you have probably prioritised the time you have had with yours to preserve a strong bond. Maybe that’s a quality of what you have done more so than just being a female. Also I’ve seen setups where the child had favoured the father more, but maybe in those instances mothers presence was a relied upon constant, and child was fully secure, and the separation anxiety is more reserved for the parent who is away more if you see what I mean?

Anyway if you have any questions feel free.

I think it totally depends on the individual (parents and children). No one is naturally a parent - we learn as and when it happens.

DH was better at feeding (bottle fed), dressing, poonami nappies and was the 100% choice for bedtime stories (it was the voices I think).
I was the best at getting her to sleep in her cot.

However, DH was pretty useless at toilet training (he never ‘saw’ the pulling at clothes or the moment they freeze when having a poo in their pants).