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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

921 replies

Pinot4me · 28/11/2022 20:07

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
dontlookgottalook · 11/12/2022 00:32

Starrystarrylights · 09/12/2022 18:01

I'm sorry but I think the way you've handled this has set it up as a one off and you're no further on at all.

I agree. She will think that the only reason you didn't give her a lift is because you you did something before and after. Next time she will expect a lift. Well done OP but you are (almost) back to square one. Although well done for recognising the problem and starting to tackle it. But wouldn't it be far more satisfying to deal with this situation without having to resort to complex plans involving hotels and shopping trips?

milkyaqua · 11/12/2022 03:13

dontlookgottalook · 11/12/2022 00:32

I agree. She will think that the only reason you didn't give her a lift is because you you did something before and after. Next time she will expect a lift. Well done OP but you are (almost) back to square one. Although well done for recognising the problem and starting to tackle it. But wouldn't it be far more satisfying to deal with this situation without having to resort to complex plans involving hotels and shopping trips?

How so? OP told her ealier on she wasn't driving her any more. It may need reiterating (10 times!) but it has been expressed:

I said tbh, it wasn’t really working for me. I have a busy life and job and actually really enjoy some quiet, thinking time in the car so I would be going on my own from now on.

IncompleteSenten · 11/12/2022 06:45

Well if she does think that she's as thick as pigshit because the op told her she's not doing it any more and feels taken advantage of.

Daftmum47 · 11/12/2022 08:03

I’ve read with interest as much as anyone, but 33 pages of comments in response to a request for thoughts on a draft text - it’s turning into a piece of crowdsourced performance art now!

dontlookgottalook · 11/12/2022 12:20

@milkyaqua I guess because the CF seems particularly unaware and cheeky. Despite being told she wasn't getting a lift and why, she was still fishing for one and seemingly unable to comprehend the new status quo. This is next level freeloading! However, the OP told everybody at the party that she had made plans to stay near the venue before and after the meet up and if you are a very unaware person as it sounds like the CF is, you will just keep asking for the next time this comes round.

dontlookgottalook · 11/12/2022 12:22

IncompleteSenten · 11/12/2022 06:45

Well if she does think that she's as thick as pigshit because the op told her she's not doing it any more and feels taken advantage of.

It does sounds like she is as thick as pig shit. I don't think she has gotten the message at all.

Lunde · 11/12/2022 12:57

kateandme · 10/12/2022 23:01

I have to admit like a sappy git I do feel for her a bit.wromglt she's had it comfy for so long,but she has had big this way.now she couldn t go to the meet with the rest of you I find quite sad.( again not your fault she has no lift) I hope she gets it sorted for next time.
Atm I think we all need each other and those little meetups and or friendship gatherings are essential.

@kateandme

Sorry What?

You mean that despite being told OP was not driving this time, having access to a car and having a driving licence (and you will see that she actually managed to drive herself to the meal to socialise) everyone should rush around to pander to her desire to drink and leave others to drive her?

Unbelievable how some people always expect others to cosset them

Emotionalsupportviper · 11/12/2022 14:01

We had all paid a deposit for the meal so I can only assume that she had a childcare issue and couldn’t leave until later. I deliberately didn’t ask her (or anyone else) for details.

If she had a childcare issue she wouldn't have been able to get a lift off you anyway @Pinot4me .

The best she could have hoped for is that you would have watched her kids until the babysitter arrived, and given her your car keys so she could drive there in your vehicle. Don't let it keep you awake at night. 😁

Emotionalsupportviper · 11/12/2022 14:02

Have a lovely, empowered, CF-free Christmas everyone!

dontlookgottalook · 11/12/2022 14:16

@Pinot4me please do come back and update us with any further developments as well as any CF requests in March building up to the next meet up! I feel very invested in this! GrinHopefully you have put her straight but people like this do have a habit of coming back!

Sickofcoughing · 14/12/2022 17:27

I love this thread so much that it inspired me to start one the day you posted asking for CF triumphs.

I have a lifelong friendship which is very compromised by the fact that she is an unwavering CF (to everyone). I got roasted by some posters saying I was a doormat but looking at the very positive response here it's clear that dealing effectively with CFs is not so straightforward.

I think you have been brilliant OP, especially as you said to her clearly this isn't working for you anymore and suggested she should have offered to cover the cost.

I have been guilty of quietly seething over multiple incidents and inspired by this thread the next opportunity I get I'm going to address the overall CFery instead of squabbling over the price of a coffee.

Like you, I think it is nice to be kind and I would not want to stop that but what I've decided is that purchases, gifts, favours etc should always feel good and that's my barometer from now on. Once I feel taken advantage of it stops.

MsRosley · 14/12/2022 18:19

@Sickofcoughing Can you post a link to your thread? Sounds marvellous but I can't find it!

Emotionalsupportviper · 14/12/2022 18:23

I would also like to read your thread @Sickofcoughing and give you the benefit of my great wisdom

Emotionalsupportviper · 14/12/2022 23:05

Cheers @milkyaqua

FestiveFruitloop · 15/12/2022 12:41

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/12/2022 09:27

I remember an episode of friends where someone asked Phoebe to do something and she said

"Oh, i'd love to help you out but I don't want to."

THIS SENTENCE IS YOUR FRIEND, OP. (Just in case she comes out of the sun like a Japanese kamikaze pilot next March)

Oh, I loved that. Have always wished I had the guts to say it. 😂

Thelnebriati · 15/12/2022 12:56

What you say; "Oh, i'd love to help you out but I don't want to."
What the CF hears; "Oh, i'd love to help you."

What to say; ''No, I've done enough. Ask someone else.''

TwoDrifters2 · 21/02/2023 19:56

It’s almost March! Is anyone else awaiting the next instalment of the lift saga or is it just me?! 😁

MILLYmo0se · 21/02/2023 20:01

Well I am now!!!

ForestLilac · 21/02/2023 20:03

Ha! I went to all the trouble of finding this thread a few days ago to see if it was time to revive it, then thought I’d wait until someone else did 😂.

ohmagaad · 21/02/2023 20:38

Checking in for next instalment

Floofydawg · 21/02/2023 20:46

I have a work colleague travelling to my city tomorrow and he needs a lift from the station. I actually said to him 'I'd offer to pick you up but I don't want to' 😂

Chocolateandcherries · 21/02/2023 21:16

Can’t wait for this one to be updated 😄

Picoloangel · 21/02/2023 21:20

🍿

KelvingrovesBest · 21/02/2023 23:16

A good excuse for not offering a lift.
I like you too much to let you sample my driving.