Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

[Pinot4me]

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

Brilliant update OP , so glad you got an enjoyable night with no driving and that the others noticed.

I just don’t understand if cf really really wanted to drink why she just didn’t pay the full £80 taxi herself

but not your problem!

Totally this. She thinks she’ll work on you for next time, and she will say to herself it is ludicrous that she should drive herself when there’s an empty seat beside you. She may even try to eco-shame you about all those carbon emissions!

Yea I can see her suggesting alternate lifts:

march -cf
june - OP
september - cf
december - OP … oh bad luck OP you get the Christmas one

ah well let’s try 2024:
march -cf
june - OP
september - cf
december - OP … oh darn OP you get december AGAIN

Just quash any suggestions of taking turns immediately. Tell her you got <insert obscure band here >CD for Christmas and you sing along on car journeys now. Far too embarrassing a hobby to have passengers..

If she does suggest list sharing in future, say sounds great, you drive for the next 5 years (less covid 😉 ) and then we're even.

Ha ha this ^

Well done OP so glad you had a lovely evening. Hope you have a Happy Christmas.

Cheeky Effers!

The gift that keeps on giving!

😂

I'm sorry but I think the way you've handled this has set it up as a one off and you're no further on at all.

YES!

But it's not a one off - OP is just going to say no to any further lift requests?

I remember an episode of friends where someone asked Phoebe to do something and she said

"Oh, i'd love to help you out but I don't want to."

THIS SENTENCE IS YOUR FRIEND, OP. (Just in case she comes out of the sun like a Japanese kamikaze pilot next March)

OP can just ignore calls and texts from the CF, and grey rock her, or just tell her that it doesn't work for her anymore.

Glad you had a good time and was able to have some drinks. Remaining quiet with the group was the best approach - as it then makes the CF look like the bad person if they badmouth you.

This thread reminded me of an incident with a previous coworker. She had moved to my suburb and suggested I drive her to the work Christmas party so she could drink. I said ok and asked her for her address, but she ignored me. I emailed her a few days later, and again she ignored me. I then asked her during our lunch break, and she said she didn't need a lift anymore as she had it sorted.

I turned up to the work Christmas party and she wasn't there. Another coworker asked me where she was and they said "weren't you going to drive her?" I said no, she had organised something else.

Coworker turned up quite late and didn't look too happy. Of course, I was seen as the bad guy.

At the time, I was unaware this coworker had been setting me up at work with lots of things - and then complaining about me to our manager and other coworkers - by the time I realised what was happening, it was too late to say anything. It was frustrating because coworker was lazy and wasted so much time telling everyone about her latest life drama, and she'd stockpile paperwork I gave her throughout the day, and then complained I was handing it to her all at once at the end of the day.

Her motivation I think - she wasn't coping with her work, so tried to use me as a scapegoat/excuse.

I was literally just about to say the same thing. It's the perfect way of shutting down any future cheeky requests!

I agree with this.

If she asks in future then don't give her a reason.

Just say "sorry I can't" or "no, sorry".

Otherwise you are perpetuating the situation and she will ask again.

I once did this - I'd volunteered (reluctantly) to help out at an event, and there was a lunch to 'celebrate' the outcome of the event. I'd not enjoyed the volunteering and did not want to attend the lunch. I couldn't think of a good excuse so simply responded to the organiser that I didn't want to attend. Her face was a picture and she never spoke to me again.

What a nasty thing to do!

What was the outcome? Did you manage to vindicate yourself?

😂

That's a win in my book!

Why didn’t you say @Pinot4me you will have to drive yourself while hubby looks after the kids

a few comments from others and then CF waded in with the following, “I’m really hoping I can still make it, I’m struggling for a lift”

For somebody with a driving licence and her own car, it really is astonishing how difficult she seems to find it to get herself anywhere in a car.

Does she have alcohol problems - in that she genuinely doesn't think it possible to attend any kind of gathering without drinking booze?

And glad you went. Enjoyed the meal and a drink and breakie

Well done to the man who said about you normally driving

Does seem weird she didn't go activity unless as someone said and she was waiting for you then reliese too late and had to drive

Just been catching up with all the comments . To answer a few questions and comments.

• As far as I know she doesn’t have an alcohol problem. She just likes to kick back, relax and ‘have a few’ and wrongly assumed that I didn’t.
• I was also surprised that she didn’t come to the group activity. I honestly thought she was a no show. We had all paid a deposit for the meal so I can only assume that she had a childcare issue and couldn’t leave until later. I deliberately didn’t ask her (or anyone else) for details.
• To the person that commented that I hadn't dealt with it well and had just delayed the problem (or similar). I had to think about that one because your comment resonated with me and I am glad you said it but, I have made a decision to do what suits me in future. I won’t allow her to assume that it’s my job to make her life more comfortable.
• I love the Phoebe from friends example! I will have that in the back of my mind for next year.

Im so shocked that this thread has been so popular. Thank you all so much for your back up. Given some of the examples that people have given of their own CF experiences I think a lot of us can relate.
For 5 years (less Covid) 🙄 I just plodded on and said nothing… how many of us have done this (or are still doing it). It’s always good to be kind and I always will be but, feeling used and ultimately stupid for being made to feel like a mug is not on.
Next year I will be driving myself, on my own, because that is what I want to do. I want to play the music that I like or listen to a podcast or phone a friend because I can. Because I have a blooming choice! I won’t be nasty about it and I will not be making excuses or playing games. Something along the lines of, “this doesn’t work for me anymore”.
Honestly, I feel like a different person!
Anyway, I’m rambling now. (I’ve had a couple of gins). Thanks again to you lovely lot. Wishing each and every one of you a really ‘merry’ Christmas that doesn’t involve any driving! 😊

I have to admit like a sappy git I do feel for her a bit.wromglt she's had it comfy for so long,but she has had big this way.now she couldn t go to the meet with the rest of you I find quite sad.( again not your fault she has no lift) I hope she gets it sorted for next time.
Atm I think we all need each other and those little meetups and or friendship gatherings are essential.

Bloody good for you, Pinot4Me. Enjoy your freedom!

Huh?? She could have driven earlier , and attended!! Not a childcare issue as she could hardly look after her children while in a car with the op which was her original plan! She chose this.

I think that your message is totally justified but there is a chance this works and you get a taxi there and back on her and get to have a few drinks so it might be worth trying first