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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lift for 5 years - AIBU?

921 replies

Pinot4me · 28/11/2022 20:07

I go to a hobby / interest 4 times a year. It’s a 60 mile round trip but it’s worth it. I really enjoy it and have met some lovely people.
We always go for a meal afterwards. I can never drink because I am always driving. 5 years ago somebody from the same village as me joined the group. She isn’t really a friend, more a neighbour that I am friendly with. She drove herself there for the first couple of times and then asked me if I would give her a lift. I naturally assumed that we would lift share but it just never happened.
She has never offered to drive me or contributed towards my fuel costs. So, basically we all go out and she has several drinks with her meal and I can only have one small one and we leave.

I have taken some annual leave next week and I asked her if she would drive as I really fancied having a few drinks for a change. She very reluctantly agreed but it was awkward and I could see she wasn’t keen.
She has messaged me today saying that she can’t imagine going out and not being able to have a few drinks (grim ) and that she had booked a taxi at a cost of £80 return. She then said so, half n half £40 each..

AIBU to be annoyed? I can’t afford £40 and I think she is cheeky to ask given that she has had free lifts for 5 years!

I’ve composed the following response but haven’t sent it yet… I suppose I am sense checking in case I am the one who is being unreasonable.

“ I can confirm that is indeed pretty grim to drive whilst everyone else drinks. It is what I do every time we go. I’m not up for sharing a taxi - I can’t afford it. Don’t worry about it, I will see you there”.

I honestly don’t feel inclined to give her a lift in future but don’t want the hassle of feeling awkward or causing upset.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
Floridarider · 27/03/2023 07:36

RoyKeaneisRight · 26/03/2023 19:07

Ah thanks for coming back to update us nosey bastards 😆
Enjoy your night on Wednesday!

🙏

Gooseysgirl · 27/03/2023 07:37

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/03/2023 19:48

Still 3 days yet. She May ask 😂

Yep!! Cheeky fuckery knows no bounds 😄

viques · 27/03/2023 09:29

Stay strong op, she could be planning to ambush you at the end of the evening with the

“Oh, no, my lift home has unexpectedly been struck by lightning. I am 40 miles from home, what am I to do? If only there was someone in this group who has their own transport and lives near me.” ploy.

Your response of course will be to maintain a neutral expression .

If anyone says “Pinot, don’t you live near CF?”

Your response is, “ Yes, I do. Has anyone seen my bag, I need to get going. Ah, here it is. Goodnight everyone, see you next time.”

Suffrajitsu · 27/03/2023 09:33

viques · 27/03/2023 09:29

Stay strong op, she could be planning to ambush you at the end of the evening with the

“Oh, no, my lift home has unexpectedly been struck by lightning. I am 40 miles from home, what am I to do? If only there was someone in this group who has their own transport and lives near me.” ploy.

Your response of course will be to maintain a neutral expression .

If anyone says “Pinot, don’t you live near CF?”

Your response is, “ Yes, I do. Has anyone seen my bag, I need to get going. Ah, here it is. Goodnight everyone, see you next time.”

That doesn't help if OP doesn't need to get going. The response could simply be "Yes, I do, but I can't offer a lift" or alternatively "Unfortunately I'm not going that way tonight".

viques · 27/03/2023 09:36

Suffrajitsu · 27/03/2023 09:33

That doesn't help if OP doesn't need to get going. The response could simply be "Yes, I do, but I can't offer a lift" or alternatively "Unfortunately I'm not going that way tonight".

You see, I don’t think Pinot has to give excuses. In your scenario her response could be

”Yes, I do. Does anyone fancy a packet of crisps/ a coffee.”

Sprouttreesareamazing · 27/03/2023 09:47

Was actually telling my dd about your thread at the weekend op! She has got her own cf it seems! A girl at her work keeps asking for lifts as her bf 's van is off the road and she has loaned him her car ! One day she had ddog with her and announced she needed to get to the vet first! Days before dd got her new car....
The next week cf asked for a lift and dd said straight not if That Thing was with her! Blurted out as she was thinking aloud about her new car! Thankfully no ddog but lifts still requested.

Dd told her she had to take a sibling to school that week.
Then saw cf+bf at the traffic lights! He managed to take her to work that day before taking her car to work... Dd smiled and made it clear she saw them!
Def no more lifts dd says!

Hungoverandashamed · 27/03/2023 10:57

I know this sounds dramatic but this thread is serious life lessons for me. I have had a CF in my life for 25 years. She constantly upsets me and instead of me addressing it I take the annoyance away and let it fester. The one instance never seems enough to get annoyed about when its (her sulkily sliding out of paying, me being annoyed) been our dynamic for decades but what I loved was that OP was clear that the lifts simply weren't working for her anymore.

evergreen2 · 27/03/2023 11:00

She's just one of those people that has 0 self awareness. Well done! You did great.

Pinot4me · 28/03/2023 16:56

She messaged me today and offered me a lift!!
I thanked her for the kind offer but stood firm and said that I would prefer to get there under my own steam. I said that I really enjoyed time alone in the car to listen to an audio book, listen to music, phone a friend etc and that I preferred not to lift share going forward.
I also said that I was looking forward to the meet up and to seeing everyone and that I would see her there.
This is so unlike me. I’m normally such a people pleaser!!
Having come this far I’m not caving now. I couldn’t face telling you lot mostly… haha!
Thanks so much to everyone that has commented and supported. I can’t believe the interest the post has created.
Reading back through your comments I can see that CF’s do indeed exist everywhere! I won’t be enabling this particular CF any longer!

OP posts:
theministerscat · 28/03/2023 17:00

Been following this - just wanted to say great update and well done you.

Iloveringos · 28/03/2023 17:01

Haha love this ❤️❤️

Honeyroar · 28/03/2023 17:06

Get you! You’ve come full circle, you’re like a new woman! Well done.

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 28/03/2023 17:13

Well done! You're llike a new woman 😁

Picoloangel · 28/03/2023 17:28

Well done! You’ve done it! Massively impressed OP. Enjoy the event!

viques · 28/03/2023 17:31

Oh well done, but don’t trust her any further than you can throw her. I bet this was a “let’s share the driving” opening move, followed by the “ oops, no can do” follow up move!

GlassBunion · 28/03/2023 17:31

Excellent.

MeridianB · 28/03/2023 17:36

Great update.

You did the right thing. Because her offer could well have evaporated at the last minute, leaving you taking her again. This way, you're completely free.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 28/03/2023 17:39

Well done OP!💐

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/03/2023 17:45

A very good replay and IMO quite restrained in the circumstances! I’d def. send it - she’s a CF and it wouldn’t surprise me if she now cancels the taxi and says she’ll come with you instead!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/03/2023 17:47

Oops, should have read updates first! 👏👏👏OP!

GiantKitten · 28/03/2023 18:32

I said that I really enjoyed time alone in the car to listen to an audio book, listen to music, phone a friend etc and that I preferred not to lift share going forward.

This is masterful, OP, bloody well done!
I wouldn't put it past her to try yet again next time, but you’ve given yourself a permanent out Smile

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 28/03/2023 19:54

Oh well done OP 👏

middleeasternpromise · 28/03/2023 19:59

Pinot4me · 28/03/2023 16:56

She messaged me today and offered me a lift!!
I thanked her for the kind offer but stood firm and said that I would prefer to get there under my own steam. I said that I really enjoyed time alone in the car to listen to an audio book, listen to music, phone a friend etc and that I preferred not to lift share going forward.
I also said that I was looking forward to the meet up and to seeing everyone and that I would see her there.
This is so unlike me. I’m normally such a people pleaser!!
Having come this far I’m not caving now. I couldn’t face telling you lot mostly… haha!
Thanks so much to everyone that has commented and supported. I can’t believe the interest the post has created.
Reading back through your comments I can see that CF’s do indeed exist everywhere! I won’t be enabling this particular CF any longer!

I think you are describing the work of boundaries. Some people don't know where they are and push too far, others also struggle through accommodating others to the point of difficulty. When it works well at least one person is setting healthy boundaries. I think you have navigated this really well and hope the other woman has learnt from it too. I suspect your post has been of interest because we can relate.

cookiesbeforepookies · 28/03/2023 19:59

Pinot4me · 28/03/2023 16:56

She messaged me today and offered me a lift!!
I thanked her for the kind offer but stood firm and said that I would prefer to get there under my own steam. I said that I really enjoyed time alone in the car to listen to an audio book, listen to music, phone a friend etc and that I preferred not to lift share going forward.
I also said that I was looking forward to the meet up and to seeing everyone and that I would see her there.
This is so unlike me. I’m normally such a people pleaser!!
Having come this far I’m not caving now. I couldn’t face telling you lot mostly… haha!
Thanks so much to everyone that has commented and supported. I can’t believe the interest the post has created.
Reading back through your comments I can see that CF’s do indeed exist everywhere! I won’t be enabling this particular CF any longer!

How did she react? (Well done)

SunshineAndFizz · 28/03/2023 20:09

Bravo 👏🏻

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