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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents I’ve never met have gone out and left their child here?

341 replies

RosesAndUnicorns · 28/11/2022 19:55

Well not even ‘here’ but on the street really

DD11 went out with her friends earlier and came back with one of them who lives two streets over to play in her room
Fine, happens all the time
A few minutes ago I said to this child that one of us would walk her some soon as we had to do homework, showers etc ready for tomorrow, to which she said ‘oh my mum & dad won’t be home till 9:45 I can’t get in till then’
So she has to stay here until DDs usual bedtime because her parents aren’t in!

AIBU to be totally shocked! If this girl hadn’t come into my house to play I’d have called DD in and she would’ve been out on the street alone until 9:45!

I haven’t said to her that she has to leave or anything because honestly, something similar happened to me once as a child and the parents of my friend made it very clear they were furious and I felt so awkward and unwanted, so I’ve made them a hot chocolate and put Netflix on for them
But I am a little bit furious! This is not my child to be responsible for like this!

OP posts:
MissMarpleRocks · 28/11/2022 21:05

I agree with pp do not under any circumstances let your dh walk her home.

NameChangeForARaisin · 28/11/2022 21:06

Hmm be careful OP, we had a very similar situation a few years ago and I was properly pissed off at the parents, until I opened the door to the police, who were out looking for the girl. Her parents were distraught, she had told me they were out! They weren't, she just wanted to play on our console.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 28/11/2022 21:07

🥺

Original poster
RosesAndUnicorns · 28/11/2022 21:08

I know saying ‘call the parents’ would be the knee jerk reaction here but realistically if I do I could be not only causing problems for the girl, but also between my DD and this girl! They only met in September, all of this playing out in the street and just having people in not official things set up by Mums is new to my Dd - do I want to be the Mum who makes her friends feel awkward and calls their parents at the first moment?

My older child has friends in and out constantly, and I get the impression this girl is treated as much older than she is, so to her this is quite normal, she was very nonchalant when she said she usually just waits in the garden

I gather me ringing and telling them to come pick her up would be considered overreacting and/or cause issues
If this happens again then yes, I will speak to parents and say she needs to be able to leave at whatever time as I have younger children, but for now I think it would be beneficial to just scope this one out a little bit
And I do not want this girl to feel inconvenient to us in any way right now, I’ve been that girl, it feels horrendous

Also hadn’t considered about DH taking her home, I’ve told her to ask them to pick her up instead

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 28/11/2022 21:11

do I want to be the Mum who makes her friends feel awkward and calls their parents at the first moment?

That's not the mum you are being though!

You are a) letting the parents know where she is and b) making it clear (without being OTT about it) that it's not ok to put their DD in that position.

I just cannot imagine not contacting the parents in this situation.

7upandup · 28/11/2022 21:11

@RosesAndUnicorns why would it cause problems for the girl and her friend? Your are asking her parents to pick her up at 9.45 on a school night!? And you really need to know what the facts actually are before you go to social services, which I'm sure will cause you and the girl far more problems than a polite phone call to the girls parents!

Dixiechickonhols · 28/11/2022 21:12

It’s not awkward at all or the first moment. It’s 9pm on a school night. You don’t need to say much just Daisy’s here and see what they say. It’s really odd you just won’t ring them. Could all be a misunderstanding.

Maireas · 28/11/2022 21:12

But you're the adult. You're not the child's friend. Calling her parents with a genuine enquiry shouldn't upset your daughter or this girl. However, it sounds as if you won't, so best leave it be.

JudgeJ · 28/11/2022 21:13

NewNovember · 28/11/2022 21:01

DH will be home by 9:45 though and can walk her home do not do this op you walk her home.

Neither of you walk her home, call the parents to come for her.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/11/2022 21:13

FGS OP your reluctance to act is enabling this total piss poor safeguarding issue

Gilmorehill · 28/11/2022 21:14

RosesAndUnicorns · 28/11/2022 20:47

Ok I’ve spoken to the girl again now my younger kids are asleep

She doesn’t know me very well so was a bit awkward and one wording me really, but I gathered; they were in when she went out playing in the street, they rang her and said they needed to nip out and was she ok (she was still on the street at this point) she said she was ok, then she didn’t speak to them again until she text and said ‘are you home I’m coming home’ they said no, they’d be home around 9:45, I said what would you have done if you weren’t in here and she said she’d have just waited in the garden
I got the impression it’s not out of the ordinary for her

I won’t be speaking to the parents to tell them off, if she does have a bit of an unpredictable home life I’d like to leave the door open for her to feel safe here and not have the parents hate me so she isn’t allowed, she’s safe and warm here for now and I’ll be speaking to someone at school tomorrow

I think that’s a good plan. If the parents think it’s ok to treat their daughter like that, I doubt you’ll have a fruitful conversation. Call the school and say you have a safeguarding concern. They may have something on their website where you can report things - I noticed my DD’s school
have recently added this on theirs.

BeautifulDragon · 28/11/2022 21:17

The problem you have is that this girl could just disappear 'home' at any moment and you'll have no idea where she is or if she's safe/ made it home. You've already said you can't leave your younger DC and you can't stop her from leaving.

The reason you need to speak to her parents is to ensure that someone is actually looking after her and expecting her back. It's really not about your Dd's popularity at this point.

Also what if she's lying about the whole thing and her parents are wondering where she is?

cookiesbeforepookies · 28/11/2022 21:17

I won’t be speaking to the parents to tell them off, if she does have a bit of an unpredictable home life I’d like to leave the door open for her to feel safe here and not have the parents hate me so she isn’t allowed, she’s safe and warm here for now and I’ll be speaking to someone at school tomorrow

I see your logic, OP. Very kind Flowers

Notanotherone6 · 28/11/2022 21:19

Managinggenzoclock · 28/11/2022 21:00

I think you’re overreacting. She probably told her parents she was invited round to her friends and they went out, not realising it wasn’t a formal invitation or the time you expected her home. 9.45 isn’t midnight.

No, it's not midnight, but it's bloody late for a year 7 to be out and they should have come back as soon as she told them she was going home. They've ignored that, and potentially left an 11 year old CHILD outside in the pitch black and freezing cold. It's neglect, plain and simple.

SafariRushHour · 28/11/2022 21:21

There could be a good reason for their late return. However best check things out.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/11/2022 21:22

You may have jumped to a whole story in your head and involve school/safeguarding for no reason. Her granny/older sister could easily be at home but she’d rather watch Netflix and hot choc at yours. Her parents could think she’s at Jane’s house and will be frantic when they go to pick her up and she’s not there. You have no idea.

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 28/11/2022 21:22

You don’t have to tell them off or anything. Just call them to see if her story checks out - come at it from the “just wanted to check you knew…” angle.

Starrylight · 28/11/2022 21:24

BeautifulDragon · 28/11/2022 21:17

The problem you have is that this girl could just disappear 'home' at any moment and you'll have no idea where she is or if she's safe/ made it home. You've already said you can't leave your younger DC and you can't stop her from leaving.

The reason you need to speak to her parents is to ensure that someone is actually looking after her and expecting her back. It's really not about your Dd's popularity at this point.

Also what if she's lying about the whole thing and her parents are wondering where she is?

Pretty much this. For all you know OP she might have texted her folks to say she's sitting with your Dd as you've 'left her home alone'. They could be sat in the house wondering if they should report you? I'm amazed you're putting so much faith in the word of an 11yr old you barely know. Instead of just ringing or texting her parents.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/11/2022 21:25

Poor kid. What losers her parents must be.

passport123 · 28/11/2022 21:25

I wouldn't call the parents but I would tell the school and consider NSPCC/social services.

Hairyfairy01 · 28/11/2022 21:26

You sound genuinely lovely OP. I also doubt that the girls parents expected her to be on the streets until 9:45. I bet they either think you are happy for her to stay at yours until that time, or she does have a key / the door is unlocked and she can go home at anytime. Most likely she has older siblings and her parents being out isn't that unusual for her.

MrsRinaDecker · 28/11/2022 21:27

If it was y6, I’d agree with calling the parents, but they’re y7, and certainly where I am secondary age dc have much more autonomy. It’s surprising she doesn’t have a key, and she’s maybe over egged the pudding a bit in telling her parents she has permission to stay at yours, but I wouldn’t jump to a worst case scenario.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/11/2022 21:27

I’d be very suss her 9.45 parents will be home time and your DDs bedtime are exact same time.

echt · 28/11/2022 21:27

If I was that parent, and we don't know the whole story yet, I'd be saying why didn't you call me as soon as you knew the situation.

Cover your back, OP, along with the good advice not send your DH with her.

TheOrigRights · 28/11/2022 21:27

I can't imagine NOT calling her parents. You're imagining all sorts of scenarios based on loose this and that.
Maybe model what mature, responsible parents would do to this child.

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