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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents I’ve never met have gone out and left their child here?

341 replies

RosesAndUnicorns · 28/11/2022 19:55

Well not even ‘here’ but on the street really

DD11 went out with her friends earlier and came back with one of them who lives two streets over to play in her room
Fine, happens all the time
A few minutes ago I said to this child that one of us would walk her some soon as we had to do homework, showers etc ready for tomorrow, to which she said ‘oh my mum & dad won’t be home till 9:45 I can’t get in till then’
So she has to stay here until DDs usual bedtime because her parents aren’t in!

AIBU to be totally shocked! If this girl hadn’t come into my house to play I’d have called DD in and she would’ve been out on the street alone until 9:45!

I haven’t said to her that she has to leave or anything because honestly, something similar happened to me once as a child and the parents of my friend made it very clear they were furious and I felt so awkward and unwanted, so I’ve made them a hot chocolate and put Netflix on for them
But I am a little bit furious! This is not my child to be responsible for like this!

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 28/11/2022 21:29

OP I’m sorry but WHAT THE HELL.

Stop with the excuses and “what ifs”

You are definitely uncomfortable with this situation. Because if you were okay with it, you wouldn’t have started the thread.

You are taking a child’s word for it. Children can lie.

I know you mean well but this child is not your responsibility to look after whilst you are trying to do homework and bathtime.

You need to contact the parents. Who says you need to tell them off? You need to inform them that they need to collect their child ASAP.

Imagine if your DD was out playing and she went into a strangers house and told them “my mum and dad won’t be home til later can I stay here”. Would you be okay with the adult taking her word for it? Would you honestly be okay with the parent not caring and having no disregard for you?

Honestly for Christ sake just ring them. Failing that report to 101.

tryingsomethingnew · 28/11/2022 21:33

I'd call her mum in a friendly Hi, just letting you know she's here and when will you be home so I can walk her back kind of way. I agree with PP but perhaps they are home or working- and her mum can clear it up for you. If they are out for no real reason, then at least you know

MeridianB · 28/11/2022 21:34

I’d ring them.

Does she have any idea where they are? Big difference in my response if it’s a hospital or a pub.

okayah · 28/11/2022 21:36

FlissyPaps · 28/11/2022 21:29

OP I’m sorry but WHAT THE HELL.

Stop with the excuses and “what ifs”

You are definitely uncomfortable with this situation. Because if you were okay with it, you wouldn’t have started the thread.

You are taking a child’s word for it. Children can lie.

I know you mean well but this child is not your responsibility to look after whilst you are trying to do homework and bathtime.

You need to contact the parents. Who says you need to tell them off? You need to inform them that they need to collect their child ASAP.

Imagine if your DD was out playing and she went into a strangers house and told them “my mum and dad won’t be home til later can I stay here”. Would you be okay with the adult taking her word for it? Would you honestly be okay with the parent not caring and having no disregard for you?

Honestly for Christ sake just ring them. Failing that report to 101.

100% this!!

BadNomad · 28/11/2022 21:36

Does she not have a key? Is the door actually locked?

userxx · 28/11/2022 21:39

I used to do this as a kid all the time, hopefully she's telling fibs rather than being turfed out with no key.

PinkSyCo · 28/11/2022 21:40

RosesAndUnicorns · 28/11/2022 21:08

I know saying ‘call the parents’ would be the knee jerk reaction here but realistically if I do I could be not only causing problems for the girl, but also between my DD and this girl! They only met in September, all of this playing out in the street and just having people in not official things set up by Mums is new to my Dd - do I want to be the Mum who makes her friends feel awkward and calls their parents at the first moment?

My older child has friends in and out constantly, and I get the impression this girl is treated as much older than she is, so to her this is quite normal, she was very nonchalant when she said she usually just waits in the garden

I gather me ringing and telling them to come pick her up would be considered overreacting and/or cause issues
If this happens again then yes, I will speak to parents and say she needs to be able to leave at whatever time as I have younger children, but for now I think it would be beneficial to just scope this one out a little bit
And I do not want this girl to feel inconvenient to us in any way right now, I’ve been that girl, it feels horrendous

Also hadn’t considered about DH taking her home, I’ve told her to ask them to pick her up instead

Calling the parents would be a knee jerk reaction but calling the police/social services/the school wouldn’t be? Come on OP, you’re going about this so wrong!

Sunsetintheeast · 28/11/2022 21:40

You should still mention this to school. They are trained professionals, you have no idea if this is part of a picture.

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 28/11/2022 21:44

I'd casually ask the girl 1) whether this happens often 2) whether she gave parents the impression she could sleep over/stay late at your place and 3) what she would've done if she wasn't in your house. I'd then call parents to verify answers. If it turns out the girl is yanking your chain a bit then reassure parents she's ok and make a joke of it but advise them that their dd might he taking liberties. If it seems they regularly leave their kid out this late and leave her unable to get in the house or are totally unaware who she's with then I think this is a safeguarding concern and I would be reporting. 11 is very young to be basically hanging out on the street at antisocial hours IMO. I would be making teachers aware but it's ultimately not their job to report the safeguarding concern if there is one it's your's. It's very noble that you want your place to be a safe space for her and make it clear by all means that she's welcome but it won't make her parents any more or less neglectful so this needs addressing if it's what's going on

1dontunderstand · 28/11/2022 21:48

They will probably just ask her to walk home

Snoopsnoggysnog · 28/11/2022 21:49

Not sure where you are but it’s 6 degrees outside right now here, and she was planning to wait in the garden?!

Mine are similar ages and tucked up in bed. Poor kid.

maryofthevirginkind · 28/11/2022 22:00

It's obvious she's used t it as she text her parents to make sure they were home before she set off.

iminvestednow · 28/11/2022 22:03

So….what happened??

Sunnysummer10 · 28/11/2022 22:16

RosesAndUnicorns · 28/11/2022 20:47

Ok I’ve spoken to the girl again now my younger kids are asleep

She doesn’t know me very well so was a bit awkward and one wording me really, but I gathered; they were in when she went out playing in the street, they rang her and said they needed to nip out and was she ok (she was still on the street at this point) she said she was ok, then she didn’t speak to them again until she text and said ‘are you home I’m coming home’ they said no, they’d be home around 9:45, I said what would you have done if you weren’t in here and she said she’d have just waited in the garden
I got the impression it’s not out of the ordinary for her

I won’t be speaking to the parents to tell them off, if she does have a bit of an unpredictable home life I’d like to leave the door open for her to feel safe here and not have the parents hate me so she isn’t allowed, she’s safe and warm here for now and I’ll be speaking to someone at school tomorrow

I agree with the approach OP. Good idea to keep the door open to her incase her home life isn't great

Tickledpickled · 28/11/2022 22:16

So what happened when you took her home? Or did her parents pick her up?

WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 28/11/2022 22:25

This is absolutely awful. Sadly not uncommon. Some 15+ years ago when my DD was school age, the same sort of thing happened. Quite a number of times.

One of her friends would come round after school, say half three, four o'clock... And we'd say at about seven o clock (after doing a meal for her with us by the way!) 'Right, you've got to go home now, Gemma. Can you get your mum or dad to come and get you?'

And she'd ring and 'mum' wouldn't answer. Neither would dad. Tried two or three times, she still wouldn't answer - either of them. So we ended up driving her round to her house because we lived 2 miles or so away from where she did, and it was late at night. We would drive the two miles and her parents weren't in. Hmm

So we had to bring her back home and quite a few times it would be 9 and 10 o'clock at night before the mum or dad came round. No thanks or apologies or anything. 'Come on Gemma... Get home to bed.' No thank you to us or anything for feeding her, and looking after her for six hours. Fucking unbelievable. This happened quite a number of times with 4 or 5 different girls who were friends of DD. These friends ALWAYS wanted to come to our house too, and rarely did my DD go to theirs. Maybe one time for every 10 they came to ours.

And their parents NEVER fed her, and NEVER had her there for more than 2 hours before turfing her out. Also, we took about 6 or 7 different friends on several day trips every year over about 10 years. Only ONE took DD, just once, to Alton Towers. ONCE. We must have gone on 20 daytrips with 6 or 7 different friends of DD over about 10 years. She is an only child, so we wanted to encourage her to have friends, and have friends around to play, but some parents took advantage and took the piss - and as I say, they very rarely had my DD around at theirs.

The shit hit the fan when this one woman sent her daughter to ours about 3:00pm on New Year's Eve afternoon. My daughter said, 'oh please mum, can Sarah come round? Just for 2 or 3 hours?' I said, 'well yes ok then, she can, but she's got to leave about 6pm because we're going out for New Year's Eve.' (We were going to my cousins party.)

So six o'clock came, no sign of Sarah's mother. 6.30pm 6:45pm no sign of her mum and I was fuming... Sarah rang her mum, and so did DH... no sign of her. So Sarah rang her nan, who lived not far away. No sign of her, and no answer. So we drove around to her mum's and her nan's, and her auntie's, and a couple of her cousins. (All within 2-3 miles but took about 40 minutes!)

Amazingly and surprisingly, not one single person answered the door. 8:00 o'clock at night and we were supposed to be leaving for a New Year's Eve party, and I was absolutely fucking steaming by now. I rang and left a message on her mums phone saying 'Come and get your daughter right now, you've got 15 minutes to get her, or I'm calling the police. Because you're literally abandoning your 13 year old child here.' (And I swear to God I would have called the police as well.)

10 minutes later, I was 5 minutes away from calling the police, and the mother came to the door, so she couldn't have been far away! 'Come on then, Sarah!' she said. And stormed off away from our house. Didn't say sorry to us or thanks for anything. Just stormed off.

It's fair to say that the air was cold between us every time we saw her again. And it wasn't that long before she started to turn a couple of the other mums against me, and 3 or 4 of their daughters turned against my daughter. It was quite an uncomfortable time for about 6 or 7 months. I did nothing wrong. I just acted appropriately against what was absolutely fucking terrible parenting.

Calling the police may have sounded extreme to some, but this was the tip of the iceberg and the straw that broke the camel's back. Had happened multiple dozens of times and I had had enough. So had DH. We had looked after other peoples children more than anyone else we knew for YEARS. We didn't let it happen again after that, with ANY of her friends. We had tolerated it for about 9 or 10 years at that point, but the New Year's Eve thing was the final straw.

FiloPasty · 28/11/2022 22:30

What happened did they collect her?

RedTable · 28/11/2022 22:37

I’d also wonder if they were home and she’s avoiding going home as something bad happens at home at bedtime if they are there?
as an absolute minimum phone the school but it would be a lol or social services heads up for me for either being left alone outside or too scared to go home. Neither is good.

GorgonzolaSouffle · 28/11/2022 23:21

Can we please have an update?

RedSoloCup · 28/11/2022 23:34

Wow! I wouldn't even let my youngest who's 11 walk home alone five mins at 4:30 Saturday as it was dark already!

LBFseBrom · 28/11/2022 23:35

BrieAndChilli · Today 19:57
I would go round to the house skit to check if someone is in. The the girl may be lowing to spend more time at yours. At least then you would know.
i would be having a word with the parents when they got back too.
............
I agree with that, or get her 'phone number and try ringing them.

LBFseBrom · 28/11/2022 23:37

Thinking about it, I can't imagine a child being allowed to play in the street, never mind going home with unknown people. It's horrible!

Not surprising the little girl wants to be at yours.

Pinkwithwhite · 28/11/2022 23:44

Update?

Anonymouslyikes · 28/11/2022 23:52

It's hard not to be kind to children who seem slightly neglected, but be careful that the parents don't take advantage. It's easy to get taken for a mug by those who care less.

alexdgr8 · 28/11/2022 23:56

i;m surprised at 11 year old girls playing out in the street at this time of year, in the evening.
that would worry me.
where do they go, what do ?