Adult ADHD - anyone else fed up of the constant battle.and of constantly losing it?

[WhoHasMovedMyBrain]

EVery evening I think that the next day will.be different. That I'll do my work, work when I have to, that I won't stuff my face, that I won't be late, that I'll tick off at least one tiny little.thing on.my.to. do.list. and every day I fail. I'm winging life because I've got a very organised and hard working husband, a very supportive family who have always carried me and because I can sort of.work when I'm.in dire straits..just before a deadline comes crashing down. I'm.so.fed up of the constant stress,.the constant self loathing, constantly underperforming, constantly fighting a losing battle. I feel.as.if..im.wasting my life away.

My psychiatrist is happy to prescribe meds but before.that I need to.make an appointment with my gp to get some blood tests done and I just can't do it. I can't.make the appointment to.do.the blood tests. I mean how stupid can you get?

And now I'm so late to.pick up DC that I can't have a shower. Though I've been looking forward to.it all day.

I know.im.lucky and. I've got it better than most so.i hate complaining but I hate my brain..I don't care if it's ADHD or.if I'm.just lazy, crazy and stupid but i hate being this way.

Can anyone relate?

I haven't been diagnosed with ADHD but you've described exactly how I feel

I was diagnosed in my late 20's ( 40's now)
I do think there is a recent trend of people being diagnosed with ND things when they actually are just a bit obsessive, or just a bit scatty, so I am always reluctant to " come out" about my ADHD (or ADD as it was back then).
I can totally relate to a lot of this, especially the feeling shit at work thing. My current job is a nightmare. Lots of bitty bits of work, mainly wfh, sitting all day in front of a screen, spreadsheets, processes...I am at the point lately that I cry every day at work, in my kitchen. I am desperate to get out of my job but don't know what I could do. I have been good at jobs in the past ( retail sales, bartending, film runner) but sadly it seems that, as a grown up, when you need to get a job you can actually live on you are going to find yourself sitting staring at a screen.

Does anyone else find hierarchy really tricky too? I work somewhere very hierarchical (it's like Downtown bloody Abbey at times) and I struggle to a) treat the higher- ups in a grovelling manner and b) be talked down to by higher-ups ( which happens a lot since in every job I am near the bottom of the heap..) I chat away to everyone exactly the same, I can't seem to take rank seriously at all.
Crap I have so much work to do now!

Ask your GP to send the blood form out to you then book a private Phlebotomist to take your bloods . That's the only way that I get around to getting mine done. My ADHD has definitely gotten worse with menopause, my symptoms are exaggerated and I feel drained most days when I get in from work. The kind of mental draining that leads to physical. I 'mask' every day and that is exhausting in itself. My garden tends to be my sanctuary so I try to get out in it at least once a day , but again that gets harder with the increasingly bad weather. I am looking into yoga as a way to help when I feel overwhelmed after work. I don't know about anyone else but do any of you find caffeine helps ?

For me everything works for a while till it just doesn't anymore. Phone alarms worked really well for a couple of weeks when I tried them (years ago) but now I either forget to set them or when I get the reminder on my phone I just dismiss it or snooze it thinking I'll do later whatever is set the alarm for.

I'm perpetually sleep deprived (not because of the ADHD. I thankfully never struggled with insomnia unlike other adhders but I've got small two kids who don't sleep well) so I drink a lot of caffeinated drinks. Mostly tea. I find it soothing more than anything else. It doesn't make me more alert or help in any other way

When I started meds I had to quit caffeine as it made me too jittery along with the simulants.

I'm pretty sure my gp will not send out the form. The GP itself is lovely but the receptionists are dragons. To be honest I don't even want to ask them. I can imagine how they'd take a special request like that. I'm quite scared of them actually as they are so unpleasant.

Your experience getting diagnosed is exactly what is making me put it off so many obstacles feeds into what triggers the worst of my adhd symptoms, so I would hate to start the process and it be such a long hard slog that I would just give up.

The two step process thing PPs mentioned resonated so much too. I need to do x, but that involves doing y first, and it all just seems so overwhelming I do neither. I'm struggling so much to function lately.

Or I pick myself up with a monumental effort and blast through everything under the guise of just "acting" like a NT person, which works for a bit and I feel proud of myself. Then I enviably run out of steam and crash to doing absolutely nothing, and feel shit again

I think most desk jobs are unsuitable for ADHD ers. I do mostly research and though at times my research is interesting it requires a lot of self organisation and self motivation. At the same time I work for a large organisation and the admin processes just go above my head. I just can't do them. It's been a decade that I've worked for this place and I still don't understand what I need to do for my performance review even though I have one twice a year.

I'd love to retrain but I'm in my mid 40s too and I can't (don't want to) afford a pay cut. I feel as if I'm wasting my life away at a job I'm neither suitable for nor good at nor is it one that means much to me.

I don't struggle with hierarchy though I think lots with ADHD do..maybe because we often need to do things differently to get them done. But also many kids who are diagnosed with ADHD also are diagnosed with odd (at least that was the case ten years ago. I used to obsessively research ADHD immediately after I was diagnosed but I don't anymore so I'm not up to date with the latest research). Not saying you have ODD but maybe lots of us are very individualistic and have a slightly oppositional streak.

At work I like being told what to do. I also don't have the confidence to.make decisions myself. If it's something I really care about or something I think I know better than others then I don't like being told what to do but at work I don't mind. However in my workplace my higher ups are usually very friendly and polite. I can't imagine them pulling rank or talking down to anyone.

@littlepeas oh god this is me...this thread is making me think! I just consider myself a bit scatty, always say how lazy I am but it never quite felt like laziness...

I'm sorry I didn't mean to put you off. It's a long slog but a lot depends also on your particular psychiatric services provider. Mine absolutely sucked. The consultant was an idiot (couldn't write a single prescription without mistakes. I always had to go back twice to get a proper one or have the pharmacist call for clarification. If he hadn't been so dismissive of ADHD I'd have thought he might have it too) and his admin team were terrible as well (failed to send appointment letters on time, etc). He's thankfully left and things are much better now in my area.

So do start the process. It's worth it.

I can so relate to your last paragraph. When I have managed to do a last minute sprint of work (I only do last many sprints. Dopamine won't kick in till a few hours before a deadline) it takes me days to recover. It's very annoying.

Depression often is comorbid with ADHD and depression itself can come with brain fog, slowed down thinking, lack of motivation, etc but the symptoms we are talking about are not depression. I've experienced both and I know now very well when I'm depressed and when not. I am not depressed now. I still have symptoms of ADHD.

Also wanted to come on here and advocate for meds. It took about 4-5 months to get through all the steps and to be approved for it and then another 6 months for me to trial different meds and find one that worked for me.

I now take long release methylphenidate and my quality of life has improved dramatically. I'm less impulsive so I spend less, it helps with executive dysfunction, I find it easier to implement systems for keeping my house tidy-ish or at least organised, my attention span has improved and I finish more projects. Granted there are still plenty of things I struggle with, but for those who can and are considering taking meds - it's a long process but is so worth it if you find ones that work for you.

I will say though that I still wish I didn't have ADHD. It's a f*ing nightmare, I feel like I have so much wasted potential and I've never been able to hold down a job for more than 1.5 years. The imposter syndrome is still incredibly high after decades of trying to pretend my life isn't a disaster behind the scenes but I'm hoping that will improve now.

I don't have a diagnosis but have been thinking that's what's always been 'wrong' with me.

I can't stick to a routine, can't organise, everything is chaotic and overwhelming. I've tried all the tips and making lists and it doesn't work. It's so frustrating.

Someone I know who has ADHD was out with a group of people. A friend of a friend joined the group halfway through the evening.
He spotted her behaviour as being similar to his pre meds.
He actually took her to one side and they got talking about ADHD. (Her bf thought it was a made up thing so when people had mentioned it to her he had dismissed it when she had talked to him)
The discussion turned to cocaine and this girl said she had taken a huge amount of coke one night when out at a party. Whilst everyone was off their heads partying she sat down and applied for 14 jobs and ended up getting 4 of them. She said coke made her feel normal

@MrsTerryPratchett what job is it that you have that works well with adhd?

Wow this is me. I've suspected recently I have ADHD and pretty sure my daughter has it. This has made me realise more and more that maybe I should get a gp appointment to investigate further.

Not RTFT but I found I've been a lot happier since I've accepted my ADHD symptoms and "forgiven" myself. I'm not currently medicated (preggers) and don't plan to go back on medication, I just accept I forget things/ my house is a tip all the time. If you're struggling at work I really recommend trying to change course in any way you can to make your life easier. I've very much drifted through my education and career grasping any opportunities that came along that "fit" and taking the path of least resistance. I now work in a very friendly, supportive environment where I've been able to carve put my own place where I manage my own workload/ projects and can do things my way at my own pace. I've realised I'm a square peg so there's no point trying to fit into the round holes expected of/ by other colleagues. Nearly drove myself into the ground when I tried to keep up!

Haven’t RTFT. I think @Cwhatyoudidthere has a good point that accepting your “symptoms and “forgiving ”yourself for any perceived failings is a crucial step. A few years ago, I was really surprised when a friend who’s a GP told me that she’s diagnosed with ADHD. I had no idea, she appears on top of things work-wise and at home.

She told me though that the immediacy of being a GP suits her really well, as she can’t procrastinate, she’s constantly busy with patients. Research wouldn’t suit her at all, but being a “hands-on” doctor does. Like you, her DH is supportive and organized so he organizes their children’s schedules and she follows his directions!

So don’t beat yourself up, OP. Try to find strategies that work for you and accept who you are. All of us have failings and sone people are too organized and inflexible in their approach to life.

I've cried reading this thread. I don't feel so lazy and useless now. I don't feel such a failure. None of us are and the comments about lack of self-compassion are so on point.

Only my sister believes that I may have ADHD. She's my lifeline as I don't have a partner. I've done all the paperwork for 3 of my kids to get an ASD diagnosis. I don't have the energy to chase one for me. I spoke to the GP and she suggested it would be 18 months min. Then prescribed HRT which has helped with brain fog and executive function somewhat.

Does anyone self medicate with coffee ?
I have had to give up coffee and realised my symptoms are much worse. Is this a thing ?

Yes, I do. I’m at my most focused in the morning during/after coffee. Always drink it on an empty stomach for best results (sure this probably isn’t recommended!). It doesn’t work as well later in the day.

This is all ringing bells with me. I've always been messy, I'm nearly always late, I'm notorious for losing my phone, my keys and my glasses, and when I have anything slightly complicated to do I feel I 'can't get my head round it'. And I have a Masters degree so I'm not stupid.

My Mum went into a care home in February, and it took me till October to inform HMRC, her pension provider and the house insurance and some other important places still haven't been informed.

I got a deed poll to change my name signed and completed a year ago and I still haven't sent it anywhere to get it implemented. I separated from my husband 18 months ago and I still haven't started divorce proceedings.

Everything just seems so overwhelming but I still wonder if I'm just tired or lazy.

As someone who has lived with ADHD her whole life, I definitely feel your pain OP.💐💐💐

Haven't read whole thread.

Just wanted to say there's an alternative to methylphenidate. Ask for Atomoxetine which is a snri. It's not a magic cure all but you may find it easier than ritalin

Also ssris can make adhd worse. Did for me and a few others I know

My people! I was diagnosed a couple of years ago, but I'm pregnant right now and off Concerta and I am a DISASTER. My impulse control is absolutely shot - I've spent so much money that I don't really have in the pre-Christmas sales because the dopamine hits of buying stuff are just off the scale. The house is falling apart, I've lost my transit card and this morning we ran out of bread and I have NO IDEA what I'm going to feed DS for lunch tomorrow.

DH is an absolute gem, but I'm causing so much chaos it's overwhelming for him too.