Adult ADHD - anyone else fed up of the constant battle.and of constantly losing it?

[WhoHasMovedMyBrain]

EVery evening I think that the next day will.be different. That I'll do my work, work when I have to, that I won't stuff my face, that I won't be late, that I'll tick off at least one tiny little.thing on.my.to. do.list. and every day I fail. I'm winging life because I've got a very organised and hard working husband, a very supportive family who have always carried me and because I can sort of.work when I'm.in dire straits..just before a deadline comes crashing down. I'm.so.fed up of the constant stress,.the constant self loathing, constantly underperforming, constantly fighting a losing battle. I feel.as.if..im.wasting my life away.

My psychiatrist is happy to prescribe meds but before.that I need to.make an appointment with my gp to get some blood tests done and I just can't do it. I can't.make the appointment to.do.the blood tests. I mean how stupid can you get?

And now I'm so late to.pick up DC that I can't have a shower. Though I've been looking forward to.it all day.

I know.im.lucky and. I've got it better than most so.i hate complaining but I hate my brain..I don't care if it's ADHD or.if I'm.just lazy, crazy and stupid but i hate being this way.

Can anyone relate?

I'm on concerta xl 36mg and have been for 2 months. Update with the psych next week. I'll list how it's helped.

The noise in my head that included loads of negative thoughts has gone.

Anxiety and subsequently IBS has gone mostly.

I can focus on work

I procrastinate far less

My mood stays even. No huge highs and lows.

I now have confidence in what I can do. No more imposter syndrome. My anxiety about authority, fucking up and getting into trouble is gone.

I've had to enormously reduce caffeine though as on top of the meds, I was getting palpitations.

Still have a joint though in the evening once I'm settled when the meds start wearing off. I also have asd and it helps me put the day away without ruminating. Wish it could be legalised and regulated.

I think I probably have that awesome combo of ADHD and ASD - 2/3 of my dc are diagnosed with ASD and I do have a lot of traits, but they are overwhelmed by my utterly glaringly obvious ADHD. I am not diagnosed, because, like you op and booking your blood tests, I find it impossible to make the necessary phone calls/arrangements.

I don't think NT people understand how much of a battle it is to get anything done. I get overwhelmed by things like tidying - an intense exhaustion washes over me within minutes and I actually have to lie down - people think it's bullshit and I'm just lazy, but that is what it's like. There are so many weird contradictions - at the same time as needing to lie down after 5 minutes of tidying, I can't bear standing and waiting - I would rather walk 10 miles than wait for a bus.

What can you do well op?

Have you thought about reframing your thoughts? At least you have a job, fully functioning and with a good relationship? Many successes and celebrate the you that is slightly bonkers, and give yourself some acceptance, and some validation for making it through? Rather than berating your best efforts?

Start with being kind to yourself and be on your own side, and work outwards - THAT will be life changing.

Also diagnosed but not medicated - I can't take most of the meds due to blood pressure issues. I identify with you all.

I'm pretty sure there are options out there if you have high BP. Not all ADHD meds are stimulants (though I am terrified of getting high BP and being taken off mine!)

Hope you can get the help you need

It's an absolute killer!

Can your lovely DH help with getting the blood test booked? I find body doubling enormously helpful and I'm sure he would sit with you while you look at your work calendar and then book the appointment for you.

It's tragically ironic that it takes so much effort and organisation for ND folk to get the support we need. It took me about 2 years to get from first thinking that I should get assessed, to the actual assessment. And I went private so didn't have to sit on a waiting list! That time lag was just procrastination, executive dysfunction and imposter syndrome! (All of these are better now I'm medicated though )

Mrs TP - may I ask what your job is? Wondering if I can get one. I seem to always end up in jobs that demand huge organisation skills.

How long does it take to get diagnosed? I went and sobbed at my GP in the summer and she said it might not be worth it just for ‘a label’.

But I’m really struggling with all the same things as others here… it’s definitely worse with peri menopause plus my kids are still little. (I had them at the last minute like everything else… )

GP gave me sertraline which has helped a bit esp with anxiety, but it’s still a daily battle. Should I persevere with a diagnosis.

This morning I used a cloth to wipe my dog's face - afterwards I put it onto the floor to 'sort later'. Just now I went back into the kitchen to make a coffee, looked at the cloth for a while and then left without picking it up - I walked upstairs to a room that is right next to our laundry room (the intended destination of the cloth), sat down and, instead of doing the bits of household admin I should be doing, opened mumsnet.

Just a snippet 😂.

Your post is insulting and frankly bollocks. Do you know how many people are fobbed off with being told they are depressed when actually it's a lot more than that?

Two years ago it was pretty much instant but I paid £300+ for a private consultation as the NHS wait was a billion years. Not sure about now as I think even the private route has longer waits now.

Haha I really am an idiot. Saw this thread in aibu and thought "oh how exciting a thread on ADHD!!". I don't think that's even ADHD but just general fuzziness.

Thanks so much for the replies everyone!! I need to call the GP clinic but I just don't want to. I don't even want the appointment anymore. I dread the thoughts of having to take the medication. With Christmas holidays coming up it might just be better to.start them in the new year

Hi OP
I'd just like to say, I'm diagnosed with ADHD too (was diagnosed in my early 20s) and understand exactly how you feel. It's almost as if there's a mental barrier which makes even the smallest tasks overwhelming an the self-loathing from not being able to do things becomes unbearable. It was impacting on my whole life including my career and my degree - I was doing the bare minimum possible to get by and only just making deadlines in a last-minute, caffeine induced panic.
The ONLY thing which saved me was meds. I've had no negative side effects, but I am now able to think "I need to do that" and then actually do it - something which was almost unknown to me before that. No more fretting or weight on my shoulders for not being able to complete tasks and it really has changed my life. I recommend speaking to someone about medication as it really was the thing which changed my life, much more so than the therapy I'd tried beforehand.

I'm.glad your job helps. This is key I think. I'm in the worst Job possible for me. Most of the time sat at my desk in front of a computer having to rely on my own self motivation to get me to.work. lots of reading and thinking. WFH has been a killer. I need someone looking over my shoulder all the time.

I do better with tasks where there is an external.motivator and where I am on my feet. I think I would have done well in childcare. I'm a good mum because

1. I'm highly motivated to be as the consequences of not being a good mum are too severe
2. Little kids demand what they need so I don't have to use my own initiative.

I need a job like that. In mine I can cruise for months before suddenly having everything crashing down because of deadlines.

Before the kids were born I used to work till late in the evening and every weekend and I still just got stuff done before deadlines. Now I can't do that anymore. I can't work in the evenings or on the weekend. I still try and do some work in the night at times.

OP,

I am sorry you feel this way but I am so relieved to read your post. I was in tears last night for the exact same reason. I'm 58 and life has been a constant underachieving struggle to get my bloody brain to kickstart. It's like having a computer with a constant spinning rainbow disc and I have to reboot it every.single.bloody. time I want to do anything. Brain just whirs dopily round and around in a vaccuum while I shriek from a far hill: write that meeting on the calendar! Why is it soi bloody hard. I'm so tired of it.

I'm so lucky to have a gorgeous DH who is understanding, and a PT job that pays reasonably well which is literally the only thing in the world I'm good at. But if I could do that job for 35 hours pw instead of 10-15 hrs pw then we'd be so much more secure financially.

It isn't laziness because I desperately care and want to change. But 58 years on, I can;t see how. I would give anything to try Ritalin just once to see if it helps but there is a four year backlog in adult assessment.

My one consolation is that DS is getting it sorted out now, aged 20 and I pray to God he doesn't battle and fritter his life away in chaos and shambles as I have.

Can we help you make the appointment? If it helps I am green with envy because despite being diagnosed over 7 years ago (!) I still can't get hold of proper medication and it's incredibly frustrating. I live in a different European country and the process is too self directed here.

You need to check work calendar and make a phone call? Can you check the work calendar right now and write down your findings, in this thread, on a private document, email to self or post it note? I give you permission not to make the phone call today if you can just do that step.

New year sounds good, but no harm in phoning now for a ny appt, because often there is a wait anyway.

Not ADHD diagnosed, but have every symptom of it. It was like an alarm bell went off earlier this year when I put two and two together.

Looking back on life it all makes sense, why I struggled so much at things other people found easy.

Was wrongly diagnosed as depression about 12 years ago!

It explains why I do things the way I do today. Now I have acceptance and I find life easier with this realisation. I know my triggers and avoid them.

I am self employed now because the constant interrupting from junior staff of what to do drove me insane. It works so well!

It drives me insane when people ramble with no structure to their story.

You can adjust your life to work with your brain.

Everything is this thread is so true! I'm not diagnosed but suspect I have ADHD.

The teabags are out in our tea caddy thing. So I get a single tea bag from the cupboard and use that to make my tea. Why don't I fill the caddy up? Thankfully at some point my wife will make me a cup of tea and she will sort it out. Repeat every 3 weeks or so. (Also with sugar.)

Op

Yes
I hate it. I hate myself, so much.

Thanks everyone for your help and encouragement to make the appointment. I thought if so many people are putting in effort to get me to do this I need to do it so I just did!!

Well, it's actually more complicated. I need to pick up the form from the GP clinic, then book an appointment for a blood test with another provide and then call the GP clinic to make an appointment with the nurse. I'm sure at this rate it will be only next year anyway that I'll get my prescription. If I get it. My psychiatrist is keen to explore if there are other reasons (deficiencies, etc) that might explain my symptoms even though he doesn't doubt my diagnosis apparently. Oh well...

Why can't you get medication if you are diagnosed? Are you in the system? I mean do you have a care plan or is it that you have been dismissed by your psychiatric team? In that case you need to go to.your gp and get referred again. It will probably be a few months wait but if you have a diagnosis they should prescribe you medication. I haven't kept up to date with the research for.the last few years but last time I did stimulants were still the only treatment method shown to help.

I'd like to reply to everyone but I've just realised that I still need to prepare for a meeting today morning and do a million other things but they don't have a strict deadline today so probably won't get done.

I've never heard of a tea caddy but I drink so much tea it sounds like something I might want!!

I know it's just an example of the kind of thing you struggle with but you know if you've tried following the tea caddy system and haven't been able to would it be easier to just not bother? I really need to pick my battles. More than me dh really needs to pick his battles. He's had to let go of many things that he would have liked (a tidy, uncluttered, minimalist home is one of them though he hasn't given up yet).

I just googled tea caddy. So it's like the tray you get in hotels? That's so cool!!

Thank you so much. You did help!! If it wasn't for all the encouragement I wouldn't have made that appointment today!!

When I first tried meds after I was first diagnosed they were a godsend. It took me about six months (six horrible anxiety and depression filled months, one of the worst periods in my life emotionwise) to get used to them and to learn how to work with them but then they worked like a dream. I stopped when I got pregnant and the next time I started I again went through six horrible anxiety and all the other shit filled months. So I'm quite reluctant to start again (I'd stopped when I got pregnant with dc2). I hate the getting used to period. My psychiatrist suggested starting with just 5mg a day (of dexamphetamine) so hopefully that will help. I don't know how quickly I titrated last time but it was too fast I guess. Uggg...I just hate them.