To think many parents are subsidised by their parents at Christmas?

[EveryoneIsIll]

As I get older, it seems a lot of friends are getting financial help with everything from school trips to clubs or tutors, through to holidays and days out (in some cases so the grandparents can have time with their grandkids but sometimes not). Christmas also - whether that’s buying the turkey, the big ticket gifts or whatever.

It’s not my experience so it can leave me wondering if this is most people’s experiences, only it’s just not spoken about?

They have more money at retirement age than we ever will, sadly.
Our/your children will probably say the same about you/us! Each generation thinks the other is swimming in it!!!

Quite the reverse for us- in fact DB and I paid all of my dad's bills after mum died.

@Fairislefandango I’m posting. You don’t need to ask my motivations, it’s an observation for AIBU. 😀

@stuntbubbles Great contributions from you, thank you!

We tend to not buy many big gifts for our kids at Christmas as the grandparents on both sides insist on buying things.
We also go to one of our parents for dinner as the PIL can’t travel to us and my parents like to host. We don’t show up empty handed though, we’ll bring the alcohol and maybe a cheese board etc.

Not everyone has help from parents to buy property. We saved every single penny of our deposit ourselves

My parents were , and now just my mum left, very generous. She helps me out a lot financially. Bought a car for me (second hand). I am almost a single parent (long story...) and work full time to provide for my kids. She helps me because she wants to. I am very very grateful for her help and tell her frequently. I wish I didn't need her help and hopefully one day I will be back on track (husband not working, huge outgoings - not UK).

My parents don’t financially support me, but when they come over for Christmas, they’re bringing the Turkey. That’s kind of sharing the load, they’re not supporting me.

Not me, although my mum bought my dd shoes for the first term of school for 3 years before she died, which was very kind.
I hope I can help my dd lots when she's a mum 🥰

No particular help at Christmas but DH and I both had support with deposit for our first homes and we will do the same for DS in a couple of years .

My parents barely looked after me as a child, definitely no subsiding me as an adult, I don’t even speak to them. My partner has very little contact with his parents, again no subsidising us. They do apparently subsidise one of my partners siblings but that seems to come at a price, lots of guilt tripping.

Everything we have, we pay for ourselves. My friends are the same. I don’t see why it matters though. We’re financially very comfortable, if our kids need help in future years or we want to do something nice for them, we will. It’s no one else’s business, we don’t need to be open about it. Concentrate on your own life.

DH and I are the sensible, low risk, stable couple with on track, average kids.

BIL1 has dodged tax on his higher rate salary most of his life, six weeks of 7 day 12 hour shifts, six week off. Chased the money & exciting adventures during leave., wife and kids left to keep going, now split. as a family they all leach from the parents/grandparents. All music lessons had to be one on one now abandoned. All art projects, all days out, all required the best. Often the autism card played.

SIL has always been the spoiled baby, through our 20s, 30s & 40s and her kids have turned out the same. Grannys hand pays for ice skating, the cinema, snack, meals out, take aways.

We often hear that Granny has gone on holiday to babysit for them or gone to the theatre but it always turns out that grandpa has subsequently booked the tickets including flights.

We do an awful lot less then the other two families - less after school, less theatre, less holidays because we cant afford to go crazy. But we took Granny to the theatre as our guest.

It does rankle, its not fair, its become more obvious as the kids get older and I know DH feels pushed aside by his siblings.

And before anyone gets cross about special needs - we have a child with quite high demands that we set up to succeed, sacrificing time and resources in the early years which is why we're in a better place today. The denial of siblings that their kids weren't perfect has escalated their special needs which is partly why they are in such a mess today.

I'm fucking fed up of hearing we're lucky and that's why they need the holidays/therapy/one to ones. My career and sanity were n't quite so lucky!

I use to have a friend who would bang on about how hard she worked to buy her very expensive house all by herself with no hand outs and how she was almost mortgage free. What she failed to mention, besides the fact she was crap at her job and myself and others would fix her mistakes, was, that she lived at home rent free, parents paid for uni and she did not contribute to bills or the massive holidays she’d go on every year. Apparently they were NOT holidays ( month in the states or Oz) because they were visiting family, which her parents wanted her to do so they paid. She also only lived in the house for six months before deciding she didn’t like bills so she rented it out and moved back in with mummy and daddy.

The friendship ended after one particularly sanctimonious episode where people who weren’t home owners were either lazy or no money sense, she had absolutely no concept that others had very different lives to her.

My parents are extremely well off, think downsizing for a more expensive house than the family home kind of well off. They give me nothing and are extremely not generous with the grandchildren, think £20 a year on a Christmas present and nothing for the adults of the family,

apparently we will get it when they are gone, up to them but I wouldn’t mind a Christmas present which is a bit more exciting than bottle of fancy olive oil

My Mum helps us out eg gave us money from a isa that she cashed in & it meant we could update the bathroom. We would have never had spare money to do that. She pays if we go out to dinner. We both work & still have no spare cash.

We don't ever go for meals & never do big days out & holidays are usually caravan holiday.

Once we have paid house off we will do the same for our kids. We're trying to put some into junior isa & they have premium bonds. We will help kids as much as we can.

My parents had no help - but they did benefit from cheap housing & lots of them retired at 55 then got pension plus another salary coming in. We didn't pay uni fees. My Mum worked very few hours compared to what I have to do.

Why would you feel bitter to having no help from your family if you don't need it? If you are able to get by comfortably with only one income coming in then you don't need extra support from your parents .

apparently we will get it when they are gone, up to them but I wouldn’t mind a Christmas present which is a bit more exciting than bottle of fancy olive oil

Not if they need up needing any nursing care. My MIL is spending over £1000 per week on her care, following paranoia brought on by COVID.

My mil is getting a bit like this. She wants to get us a fancy fridge ‘because she’s coming to stay for a few days along with other family members and we’ll need something bigger if we’re hosting’ (!) and she has offered to pay for the entertainer at my kid’s party. She bought them their beds, she has offered to pay for us all to go and stay in the Lakes for the holidays. It’s not that frequent and she doesn’t get very far as it winds her stubborn middle aged son up 😂 I would graciously accept it all if it were up to me!

Not everyone has help from parents to buy property. We saved every single penny of our deposit ourselves

Why would you reply to my post with this? All I said was I don't know anyone, why you would infer that to mean I know everyone or no one can buy without help?😆

@AliceMcK

As well as cash gift we lived at home for cheap rent, also had childcare help. I count that all as help.

Trust me, they have covered every bridge in terms of financial planning, I’m not worried about that for a moment

XSIL was, as she was very vocal about her non existent money worries.

We never were as we kept our financial issues to ourselves. It smarted one year when DH couldn't get work (self employed) and very well paid XSIL and her very well paid IT H were given a £500 gift plus big pressies for the kids. Ours got a book and a £20 Lego set each and I think we got a gift voucher for a spa day. We both hate spas.

But XH agreed we preferred it that way rather than have MIL know we were living hand to mouth.

Some parents just suck. X In laws definitely did.

No, none of our families were well off enough to help like that.

No house deposits, big ticket items.

Gifts at holidays were normal around £30 or so.

Because who doesn’t want more money, and it would be nice to have non-financial help too because who doesn’t want a break? I know loads of people with nicer houses than us, kids in private school and now it seems it’s A Thing for parents of adult children to pay for their grandchildren’s clubs, school etc. Not really a groundbreaking explanation.

Nope, my parents never subsidised anything, including Christmas.

In fact I’ve had to host Christmas every year for 10-15 people since I was 20 (now 38) without any offer of a financial contribution…

Partly my own fault though - DDs first Christmas I was pulled from pillar to post trying to visit everyone so I vowed after that never to leave my own home at Christmas and if people want to see us then they come to us!

I’m retired now, and fortunate enough to be in a position to help my kids when I want to.

One daughter and her husband are buying a house, which will mean a huge monthly payment. Rents in our area have skyrocketed so there is no escape. I gave them some help with the down payment and paid for some furniture.

I help them because I am able to and it makes me happy. My parents would have been able to afford to help me but they never offered much. Times were different though, and I didn’t need help the way my kids do in today’s world.