Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

No I wouldn't judge although I'm pretty sure I was judged when I had dd when ds with autism was eight. I didn't plan dd, in fact I was devastated and cried every day of my pregnancy. I didn't mention the pregnancy to anyone outside immediate family and so most people only knew when I turned up at the school gate with a pram.
But dd has been the biggest blessing, ds learnt so much from dd, he has only ever been kind and gentle to dd (where the rest of us all have scars from ds) Dd demanded interaction from him where no one else would dare, he shared with dd when he never had before, he toilet trained with dd, he wore clothes because of dd (who would grab at him if he was naked) The interaction between the two of them makes my heart sing, it hurt less that dd was also diagnosed autistic at two somehow.

Don’t make decisions about your life based on whether you think others will judge you, there is always someone who will judge you for something.

Also speaking as someone with only one sibling who has severe additional needs I wish my parents had had a third so the ti wasn’t so alone in facing the future looking after my sibling. So it doesn’t follow that having a third will have a negative affect. (Although I appreciate that the hypothetical 3rd sibling could have also had additional needs or completely selfish and unwilling to help)

I'd think you were off your head but I wouldn't say anything.

And I'd feel very sorry for your eldest. Just as he starts high school his parents will be focusing not only on his SEN brother but a newborn as well.

A newborn with a very much higher chance of autism or other complications because at 39, our eggs aren't what they were at 29, bnot to mention the genetic element.

The large age difference is almost like having an only child. Your older two will not have much in common and will have different interests etc. Family outings will be far more difficult due to the different interests.

Personally I'd focus on my existing family of 4.

There seems to be such a strong genetic link with autism that I'd judge it assuming the next would have the same level of need. I'd also consider how much disruption it's going to cause and the impact on everyone else

Not just with disability just number of children and the age gap.

im old enough to be my youngest siblings mother. there’s 6+ of us and I’m the eldest.

everything had to meet the needs of the youngest so eating out was always kid friendly places like McDonald’s not teen friendly like a curry place or the cool horror themed restaurants I’d go to after I left home.

day trips had to be focused around keeping the youngest busy and their feeding and napping times. No going to the cinema because of bedtimes etc.

days with my mother often meant being the ‘help’.

coming to special days like graduation or plays or awards ceremonies didn’t happen because kids weren’t allowed.

its all worth considering and really looking at if it’s best for any of the kids.

I wouldn’t judge you, I don’t know you and the number of children you have, be it 1 or 21, is up to you.
If you were a friend or relative I may be concerned for you, that 3 children, one of who, has special needs, might be difficult and put a strain on your marriage. Your third child might have special needs too —- but then any child could. I’d be more likely to offer help with babysitting, shopping, school run etc..
Good luck, whatever you choose.

I don’t think it would be a good idea. If you and DH are late 30s/40s, the chances of another child having autism are going to be even higher (there is a strong link to paternal age in particular). You already have two children - why risk having another with severe autism?

I say all this as a mother of a child with autism by the way (DC1) - I really thought long and hard about having another. I did and she (DC2) is NT, thank goodness. But I wouldn’t roll the dice again.

Also, your child with autism is going to need a hell of a lot of financial resources to help them - whether that’s in the form of therapy or life-long support with day-to-day living. We were spending £30k a year at one point for ABA. Unless you are seriously rich, having another child is going to mean less help for your autistic child. Hell, most people with two NT children don’t have more because they don’t think they can afford it.

As for whether I would judge you - I pretty much judge anyone who has more than two because the world is overpopulated already! But if you had a third knowing that there is a high chance that it would have autism, and especially if you’re not extremely well off, then yes, I wouldn’t think very highly of that.

I don't understand why your primary concern is "what will other people think?" rather than "how will it impact our existing children?"

Personally I think it's a terrible idea and likely to make life 100000x harder for you as parents, and for your two children.

I think people judge special needs parents whatever they do! If you have the resources and desire to support another child, then go for it.

As PPs have suggested you do have to think about what’s going to happen after you die.

Having autism in the family and being an ‘older’ mum means the chances of DC3 having autism is massively increased.

I know a boy who is now 15 and will never be able to live independently.
Mum had him when she was 45 and dad was 50.

Mum recently died of cancer at 60 and dad is 65 and has declining health which has been made worse by his wife dying and being a single parent to a high needs child.
Dad will probably not live another 5 years.

Of course you can die at any age but as you age, you’re more likely to either have a terminal disease or just feel too tired to have to look after a child for the rest of your life.

Most older siblings will take care of their ND siblings if the parents die, which is already a big ask but looking after 2 is way more difficult and something you should think about.

My older dc were 11 and 9, one with ADHD and one with autism, when we had ds3, now 16. Neither of the older boys were particularly taken with him for the first few years and I thought it was too big a gap for them to ever be friends but now he and ds2 are very close and he gets on fine with ds1. It’s actually been a good gap for us. Ds3 does have autism but is very musical and academic. He has his tricky moments but is a much loved and valued member of our family.

No one should be judging you. Only you can know what’s right for your family.

No, I wouldn't judge you at all. Anyone who would is a dickhead.

I wouldn’t judge at all but I’d wonder if you were aware of the much higher chance of having another child with Autism. You sound like your family life is well balanced and another child with or without additional needs could change everything.
Many children with non verbal Autism change as they get older and have a higher of need as they go through puberty etc as well.
But it’s your life and completely your decision. I wouldn’t judge someone for making a different decision to me. Another child would likely bring you a lot of joy even if it was tough too.

I pretty much judge anyone who has more than two because the world is overpopulated already!

That's actually a good point.

My sister has three adult children. The middle child is severely non verbal autistic. The older and younger child are a wonderful support both to each other and their sibling. I wouldn’t judge you at all. Your eldest might feel a bit lonely too in future years with a single non verbal sibling. All sounds a bit clinical but I doubt any of them would change a thing x

No judgement x

And you're not past it x

Good luck

Nope, absolutely not.
if you want another then go for it!

Yes agree, the list of diagnosis has grown so much since he was first diagnosed at 3. I always knew epilepsy was a possibility with puberty but that first seizure was such a shock. As if he didn’t have enough to deal with. He fell flat on his face too. Absolutely heartbreaking x

You are not past it. It’s not up ransoms on the internet. The over population statement is not taking into account over population because people are living longer. Shall we tell people not it, same way as some are saying not have another baby

No I wouldn't judge at all!

The one thing that is certain, if you don't have another child, is that once you die your eldest may have to take care of their autistic sibling completely alone.

I'm not sure why people here think there is little value in having another child given the age gap. Siblings in my family have very close bonds long into adulthood with bigger age gaps.

Op, my second Ds has autism. He has always been very easy going though, no major tantrums or issues that made us feel like we were struggling with him. He was 9 and we decided to try for another. As soon as his baby sister was born, his behaviour took a massive nose dive. He stopped sleeping, lashing out and became very difficult. This not only made it difficult for us and the baby, but really impacted ds1 who was just starting secondary school at the time. Was a bad time. Was emotionally and physically draining for all of us. Took the joy out of having a new baby that’s for sure. Anyway, happy to report baby is 2 now and ds who has autism is back to his happy and energetic self. Baby girl and ds are the best of mates! He is so good with her. However, had I known it would impact my DS in the first instance and for so long, I probably wouldn’t have tried for a baby or perhaps times it differently. I really wasn’t expecting DS to be affected they way he was.

I have 2 DC of similar ages and the younger one has autism. I would not have another child as I can't guarantee DS2 won't need more of my emotional and physical help as time goes on (a lot changes at puberty) and it wouldn't be fair on any of the children IMO.

So I wouldn't judge you exactly, but I'd consider the decision a bit risky.

I wouldn't judge you for any of the reasons mentioned in your post. However, I would probably wonder if it meant that you didn't give a shit about the future of the planet.

The over population statement is not taking into account over population because people are living longer.

But surely that only makes the argument against more children stronger