Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

The one thing that is certain, if you don't have another child, is that once you die your eldest may have to take care of their autistic sibling completely alone.

Yes, whereas if you do have another child, the eldest may end up having to take care of two autistic siblings completely alone. Or they might choose to walk away entirely. There are no guarantees and it would be ridiculous to have a third merely to act as a future joint carer for the second!

My asd daughter was very good up until adolescent and then she became uncontrollable. You don’t know their future behaviour.

If you were my friend I'd be thrilled for you, and keen to help out where I could.

I also think it's a wise plan for a high needs child to have two NT siblings where possible. They can then support each other through the harder aspects of childhood with a challenging sibling, as well as sharing the burden (even if only of visiting etc) when you and your DH are no longer around.

A friend had two NT kids, her 3rd has autism, is non verbal and challenging. She had a 4th who is not verbal and cannot walk and is medically complex, spending months at a time in hospital.

Absolute rubbish. Many many many many people regret having a baby.

It is much better to regret not having a child then having one.

Why are so many women so stupid when it comes to having children. It's not ok to have more than 2 and certainly not when one is autistic. How will he cope with a baby? Also what if the new baby is also autistic?

I also think it's a wise plan for a high needs child to have two NT siblings where possible.

How would the OP ensure this?

So how exactly do you plan for having two NT children? And what happens if the plan doesn't quite work out?!

X post!

@Callingmrssnow

I wouldn't judge because it's absolutely none of my business

I had my first child as a single young teen then my second ten years later then a third when the first was 13 so a big gap.

I got judged for having one so young and in my own,I got judged for having such a gap between the first and second and then I got judged for having a third when my eldest was a teenager.

All worked and still works really well and despite the age gaps all my kids get on and are very close.

And despite having my first so young and on my own I have worked my butt off and am a successful business owner.

It's nobody else's business op what you do.

If you feel you can cope then bloody go for it.

Poor DS1. Huge burden to assume he’ll be carer for DS2. It sounds like DS2 will need round the clock care as an adult. Ds1 will probably have a partner to discuss decisions with when his parents are dead. Like with burden falling on one sibling with elderly parents you can’t assume two siblings means care will be shared. It’s much more likely they will have careers and families and ds2 will be in a supported residential care setting.

Such as?
I have a disabled sibling and have never had to make any sacrifices.

Op said it was her youngest who is autistic.
Having a child who is autistic does not mean any further children would also be autistic.
My oldest has autism but my other younger children don’t.

You can't bring someone into the world so they can do a job share 😑

To be fair, the OP hasn't said anything about the eldest child or any potential third child caring for DS2 in future. This seems to be coming from other posters who are recommending that she has a third child so that care can be shared.

I agree that it would be much better to save the money that would be spent on a third child in order to make proper provision for the second child's care in the longer term, so that the burden doesn't fall on dc1. However, we don't know much about the OP's financial circumstances and this side of things may all be taken care of.

I find that very hard to believe. The fact you don't acknowledge them as such doesn't mean your needs weren't sidelined and neglected because your parents were too busy caring for your sibling.

No, of course having one autistic child doesn't mean that any further children would be autistic. But it also doesn't mean that they wouldn't. It is certainly worth the OP considering the possibility that their third child might be autistic.

I must gently enquire as to how you would manage if the additional child also has autism. I would think that would be a lot both for parents and for the other children.

Oh but unfortulately you can. It just happens to be a very assholish and unkind thing to do.

It is much better to regret not having a child then having one.

This!!

Especially as you already have 2 children!

Interesting. I; an adult woman, am telling you my needs have never been neglected by my parents, that I wasn’t sidelined and they weren’t too busy parenting my brother to care for me.
Why do you think I’m lying? There is nothing to acknowledge. They’re amazing parents who met all our needs and never neglected any of us. We had an absolutely idyllic childhood.

No but I'd admire you being willing to potentially have another high needs child and being confident in giving enough to everyone.

This is similar to my brother and his partner who have one DC non-verbal autism and an older DC who is NT. Similar ages to yours. I have to say I would feel very sorry for my neice (NT) if they were to have another baby. I already feel her life is quite constrained by her brother's needs. I think this would be even more the case with a baby, particularly given the age gap.
Not that they would consider it anyway, partly for this reason and partly because they find life already has enough challenges.

Does everyone who has a child beforehand consider the possibility that they would have a child with autism ?
No they don’t.

Op has said as a family they are coping fine, It is up to them whether they have another child.

Op, what do you feel is lacking in your life? Why are you even considering another baby when you have two children already, especially as those children are heading into the pre-teen age?

As long as you can afford without benefits other than disability related ones for your ds who has Autism, then it it’s no one else’s business.