Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

A bit yes, but that’s not to say I might not have a 3rd in your circumstances

I wouldn't judge but I do wonder what effect it would have on DS1, who already probably has to make sacrifices because of his sibling (and I'm sure does so graciously and lovingly, but it's a fact that when one child has additional needs, the other sibling(s) generally has their needs and wants placed lower in the hierarchy just out of necessity).

Add a baby into the equation with a huge age gap, plus the sad truth that autism is genetic and therefore there is probably a higher than average chance of a third child having it, even without the additional risk factor of increased parental age, and I'm not sure it's a risk I would take.

But at the end of the day I am not you, and you know what your family will bear.

Hollow laugh ,I know of very few families with disabled children who get help from their extended families ,that's either because they are unable to offer any help or won't .

I have done this, DS1 has ASD. I had another - who is just about to be diagnosed with ASD too. I don’t regret it one bit though, they will both have independent lives and are perfectly capable of achieving whatever they want in life. I do think that if DS1 didn’t have that chance though, if his care needs were more severe, then I wouldn’t have made the same decision. Only you know if it will impact severely on your DS.

I don't know why everyone is presuming DC 3 will be a lifeline and a support to DS 1. She or he could also have autism, making life even more difficult for the whole family and particularly DS 1. Autism is genetic, as pp have posted.

Also, there is going to be at least a 9 year gap between DC 2 and 3, and probably a 11 year gap between DC 1 and 3.

I thought you were going to say you had eight children already or something ...

If you complained a lot about how hard life is with three dc I might sometimes wonder why thought it was a good idea but I wouldn't say anything or particularly be bothered. Personally I strongly believe people shouldn't have more than two children but many, many close friends do and I certainly don't waste any energy judging them.

At 39 you are nothing like past it

I wouldn’t judge you. My 2nd was born when my first was 7 and my third when he was eight. The eldest is severely autistic and non verbal. He was an “easy” child, undemanding, always smiley and just a joy. However as he got older all that changed. By 14/15 life was almost unbearable. He developed grand mal epilepsy and with that came severe Challenging behaviour. He was also diagnosed with ocd and that was out of control. We practically became prisoners in our home home and life was hard for him and for the rest of the family. Not saying this will happen but it’s worth bearing in mind that things may get difficult or they may not. Our other children have missed out on things, simple things like days out, having family round, no holidays, they couldn’t have friends round etc. our son is now an adult in his twenties and life is much easier now.

God you are vile .

OP do you care what other people think?

I think what you have to ask yourself is ‘could I cope with another child who is autistic’.

I wouldn’t care what anyone else thought.

Honestly, I probably would judge a tiny bit as I would feel sorry for the non-autistic child who already gets much less attention because of the high needs sibling and now a baby is being brought into the mix, meaning they’ll get even less attention.

I would also think you’re a bit mad that you want to go through the baby stage all again after your other children are finally becoming more independent.

But if it’s what you want and you’ve thought long and hard about it, then I say go for it.

None of my business.....🙂

Yes I would. Use the time you have on your current two children.

You could be talking about my son. He’s 31 now and every few years there’s a new diagnosis in addition to the Classic Kanners autism he was diagnosed with. He now has dx of epilepsy, bi-polar disorder and Tourette’s. I honestly didn’t know our children can deteriorate the older they get and to the extent it can be.

If you can actually provide the support and care your autistic child needs, care for a new born* *and still care for your NT child. Sounds like a lot and NT easily fall through the cracks, I'd be more worried about your NT child not getting what they need than either the autistic child or baby.

This!

I worked with a child whose older brother had Down's Syndrome. He barely got a look in, poor thing.

Also, there is going to be at least a 9 year gap between DC 2 and 3, and probably a 11 year gap between DC 1 and 3.

I agree.

The siblings probably won’t be close as the older one will have moved out and maybe even have their own child by the time that DC3 even starts secondary school.

I know someone whose had a baby and their siblings have a similar age gap and my friend is already trying to get pregnant again as although the older ones live her and think she’s cute, the younger one won’t be able to play with them like they would s sibling closer in age.

Although I only have 1 child and although I do feel a bit guilty, many single children are absolutely fine without siblings.

I think your main concerns are how this would impact your existing family rather than what anyone else thinks. It’s your personal decision. Why are you bothered about being judged, it doesn’t concern anyone else.

I have a child with autism & 1 who might have it and I wouldn't have another because of the genetic link. It's very strong on one side of the family with several members struggling with ASC with various degrees of difficulty. I knowingly wouldn't have another because I'm not going to be around forever. The support services for autism is extremely hit and miss & I worry about how my child would survive once I die. So for this reason, I won't have another child but everyone is different.

I wouldn't really judge you but I'd wonder why you are making life harder for yourself. Your dc are very close to mine in age and I have also just turned 39. I'm relishing having more freedom now that my dc are a bit older and as a family we do loads together that we just couldn't do with a baby in tow. I'd think you were a bit mad tbh.

My eldest is autistic, non-verbal, has severe learning disabilities and needs 24 hour 2:1 support (an adult). When I fell pregnant with my 3rd my mother made a comment about me having enough on my plate, but it wasn’t really with a particularly negative vibe & no-one else has ever said anything.

I think having 2 NT kids has been a help tbh. They’re remarkably chilled as young adults given their bizarre (& at times traumatic) childhood. I do think it helps that they had each other and could see that they were being treated equally when ds1 was taking up an enormous amount of our time and energy.

I'd be worried about your 10 year old, who is probably already getting less attention. Having a baby in the family as he's entering his pre teens might be tough for him.

The age difference between your older two and baby will mean most family outings and holidays become a lot more difficult (not to mention the logistics of a family of 5 vs 4)!!

My eldest is autistic, non-verbal, has severe learning disabilities and needs 24 hour 2:1 support (an adult)

My son is 2-1 round the clock care also but I’m lucky to have him at home with the help of 5 carers.

Sorry. My son is the youngest of 5.

That is awful! Why should the siblings automatically have responsibility? Not live their own lives to the full?

A lovely colleague met a gorgeous Australian dentist. She knew he would want to go back eventually and agonised about marrying him because her parents 'expected' her to take care of her sibling with Downs Syndrome.

I'm glad to say that she married and emigrated in the end.