Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

Honestly, it depends on what your life looks like now. If it’s chaotic, barely enough head space for the children you have, house a state, children not in reasonable routines with eating/sleeping/bathing/school etc then yes I would probably judge.
If things are manageable then no of course I wouldn’t judge.
But also, so what if I did? You only have one life. Don’t live it for me or anyone else who doesn’t know you.

Why do you care about being judged by others? Noone else's business what you do.

No, I wouldn't judge at all.

If you feel you could provide for all 3 children, you're best placed to make that call.

If in your shoes, I know I'd personally worry about health issues DS3 could have. However, this would be a concern of mine even if I were trying for my first at 39.

Nope. No judgement here.

We had another after our severely autistic DS, it was great for him and his development came on leaps and bounds having a sibling.

Not judgemental but do consider how much your autistic child impacts on the family and the amount of time you will have all of your children.

We have a comfortable life and DS2 is pretty easy

I'm not sure what the point of your post is?

What about the your neurotypical child? Where do their needs figure in?

This gives me "my sister's keeper" vibes... no child should be brought into the world with an agenda already attached. It's very unkind

If you are not claiming benefits it’s your business how many children you have.

I speak bluntly but I would think having another child would actually be beneficial to your child that doesn’t have autism so that in years to come they both have each other as support to your autistic child.

Even if, as is often the case, it has an impact on them too? (Called upon to support, for example?). Or maybe they are thinking of the existing children? We'd end up very isolated if we only surrounded ourselves with people who endorsed and agreed with every decision we made.

On a purely practical level, it might be good for your DC1 to have another sibling later in life, especially if they will both need to manage your severely autistic child's care once you are gone.

But there is the risk of a second child with complex needs, can you truly face this? Are you giving enough attention to DC1 as it is? I have one DC with mild autism and I think DS1 feels a bit like he raised himself a lot of the time, as DS2 needed SO much attention to help him live independently in the world. I'd check that you are meeting all of DS1's emotional needs as well as his practical ones before adding another child to the mix. He'll be really left to his own devices once you have a newborn and an SEN child to deal with. Is that fair?

My thought is that it's unlikely either of your children has become fully adolescent. If it were me (and I'm using hindsight) I'd wait.

I wouldn’t judge you at all but I would tell you that the jump from 2-3 can feel like nothing or absolutely huge. We have a child with significant learning disability and it’s very full on. It’s not actually the one with a disability that loses out as they get the attention no matter what, and newborns / toddlers don’t accept that they need to wait if they don’t want to, so it’s your eldest that will lose parental time.

Nothing anyone one here will say will convince you but my heart goes out to your eldest as it does to mine as they are the ones that get forgotten as they are most capable.

I absolutely wouldn’t judge you, just warn you the yearning for the unborn one might just become yearning for your eldest.

I don't think it matters in the slightest what other people think.

Best wishes for your future family life, whatever you decide.

@CraigDavid you hsve that the wrong way round. I assume you want a functioning economy, a state pension and nursing /medical care in your later years?

Hi OP,

I have DS 4 who was diagnosed last year, DD 2 who shows some traits but we don't know if these are learned, and I am currently pregnant with my third (aged 38).

My current DS and DD absolutely adore each other and wouldn't be without each other.

The problem is you can't predict the future i.e. whether you'll have another DC with ASD or not, but you know your set up and what you can cope with best.

Realistically all you can do is nurture the child you get. And if you think you can do that then go for it!

I would add that when I fell pregnant I did have the dread of what people would think, that lasted a few weeks but now it's just excitement at adding a new member to the family.

Your assuming an awful lots ,my youngest son has severe autism and learning disabilities and is non verbal ,I have made it abundantly clear to my oldest son that I DO NOT expect to be responsible for his brother when I can no longer care for him ,he has his own life and I know an awful lot of parents in similar position,s to me NONE of us expect our other children to care for their disabled siblings

And I assume you've made proper provisions to ensure that? Talk is cheap...

Why do you care what other people think? YABU for that...

I think it depends on your own family. When we had my son with asd we waited until he was older before we made the decision that we would try for a sibling. We went into the pregnancy expecting her to be autistic and we were content that we would be able to cope with that. When she was born it became apparent that she had other disabilities and she too was diagnosed with autism at 4. It was not easy, it was the other disabilities that we were not expecting that shook us. Now they are 6 and 12 and I'm happy that we're are able to provide all that is needed, emotionally, physically and financially for the two we have. So, how would your family cope if your baby was more profoundly affected that your ds2? Are you happy to continue with that expectation?

I had a third for exactly this reason. I grew up with a sibling with undiagnosed autism and, honestly, it was pretty hard at times. I consider myself extremely lucky that I had another sibling as well and we kept each other sane throughout the madness. Still extremely close now. When it became apparent that DC2 had autism we made a conscious decision to have a third to take the pressure off of DC1. I also know a family who had similar but their second has Downs Sydrome, not autism. You are potentially giving your NT DC a lifeline and I would never judge that!

“I think it's incredibly selfish and not without risks as your next child could also have Autism. Then what life for DS1?”

^I completely agree with this. Yes I woild
judge you.

I wouldn’t judge you, it makes no difference to my life if you have a child or not.

However, my friend was born after a autistic sibling and her life has been hard, she’s never had one-to-one days with her parents, she has always known the siblings needs come first and hers never would and that has impacted her in a negative way. Whereas the older sibling born before the autistic one acts like a parent to them both, they don’t feel as neglected as they saw through older eyes what their parents had to deal with on a daily basis.

I personally would worry about future plans, who is going to care for the child with autism when both parents can’t, is it presumed the older child will? My parents are expecting me to care for my disabled sibling, and I will because I love them, but not not everyone feels that way.

Nope. And I’m pretty judgemental 😂

I would assume you had a money printing machine or a side gig as a drug dealer. 3 kids are very expensive and only get more expensive the older they get.