Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

Second this. No professional would say that. Also every county has hundreds if not thousands of severely disabled children with a very low level of communication. There's literally no way of judging who is the most severely disabled or autistic child in a county. Ridiculous.

Added to which, no one within the county would deal with every child with a disability so who the heck would even be able to know that?

I wouldn’t judge, but privately I’d wonder what the impact would be on the 10 year old. Not sure they will benefit from a significantly younger sibling that will need a lot of attention as they hit the teenage years. Days out etc will never appeal to all. It doesn’t sound like it is the best idea for everyone.
But it’s your circus, I do think people shouldn’t worry what others think.

I wouldn't judge you at all.

It is worth considering carefully how life might change for everyone in your household but you are obviously doing that already!

The sheer ableism on this post is shocking !!

Do you have more than one child ? If so I’m assuming your fist was a disappointment since you had a second ?

Really? Don’t all your children enjoy the beach or theme parks or zoos? How bizarre. I grew up with a 10 year gap between me (eldest) and my youngest sibling with 2 in between. We had plenty of days out.

Right. Yes I can see that a 3 year old and 14 year old will love the same theme park. So much they can go on together. What a lovely weekly activity they can enjoy. I would’ve loved hanging out with a preschooler that gets up at 6am as a teen. Not irritating at all.

I don’t do zoos. We are 4hrs from a beach. They aren’t regular days out for everyone.

Fortunately I had the sense to stick at one DD though. So we can focus on whatever she would enjoy best.

Good for you. I can see why you may of been too tired to cope with another if she consistently wake up at 6am. Luckily, none of mine did or do. It’s definitely also difficult if you don’t drive or can’t afford to get to a beach. We can.

Be mindful she may not thank you for being an only child.

By the way; 14 - 3 is 11, not 10. HTH.

My fairly easy going 16 year old isn't really that interested in family trips. Cinema, bowling etc she will swerve, she doesn't really like the beach but will tolerate it, though only on holiday, she won't go to the coast otherwise.

It has got a lot harder as they have got older to find things to do.

Really? Don’t all your children enjoy the beach or theme parks or zoos?

If they're under age 10, probably.

Once they become teens, their preferences changed. They stayed up later in the evenings so we undertook more evening activities together, they slept in till noon on weekends so we adjusted our routines to suit them. And they certainly had no interest in visiting a theme park aimed at young children or a similar zoo!

Holidays also got a lot more adventurous and active as they got older!

While the less than two year agr gap was a lot of work when they were babies/toddlers, it's been great as they've got older.

The thought of enjoying life with two teens while bringing a new baby into the family is not very attract all !!

Attractive (sorry)

Not everyone is grateful for a sibling.

Children shouldn't be born as a gift to eachother. If parents want multiple kids they should own it.

There are loads of threads about difficult sibling relationships, child sibling abuse or just adult siblings that are ambivalent about eachother. Yours might be BFFs but that's a hope and not a guarantee.

My point is to balance your comment to another poster that their child might not thank them for being an only child is countered by saying their child might not thank them for a sibling.

Be mindful she may not thank you for being an only child.

I'm an only child. I have had a great childhood, with lots of love and attention, and am very thankful indeed to my parents!

Yes I can see that a 3 year old and 14 year old will love the same theme park. So much they can go on together. What a lovely weekly activity they can enjoy. I would’ve loved hanging out with a preschooler that gets up at 6am as a teen. Not irritating at all.

Ummm mine doesn’t wake at 6am, I do drive (we have 3 cars as it goes) it is just we live a long way from the sea so can’t hop there every Saturdays- or can you not fathom that?

for the record we also have a moderately high household income (knocking on 6 figures) so money not much of a concern but thanks for the patronising bullshit.

We had one child because we wanted one, I’m not a fan of large families for environmental reasons and at 44 I’m not about to change my mind. That’s not to say I think everyone should be the same.

It’s also not about me ‘coping’ what a dreadful thing to suggest. I do more than sodding cope thank you very much!!!! My daughter wants for absolutely nothing.

Oh and by the way, as the OP not yet pregnant I can guarantee that the 10 year old will be 14 by the time another baby born. Perhaps you are a bit dim. HTH

*and hits 3 years old

Be mindful she may not thank you for being an only child.

Whereas OP's hypothetical third will be absolutely delighted to having been conceived to serve as a support source for their older siblings, as more than one poster has suggested?

The idea that siblings are always a blessing and fundamental to a child's well rounded development is laughable really

Op hasn’t been back. Only Op knows what ds2 needs are and what help, if any they have as a
family. I’d interpret non verbal and high needs as needing a lot of 1-1 care. Might be wrong though.

If Op is still reading they know how their life looks and how they juggle things currently. Just work through scenarios and imagine with and without extra child at various ages.

Devil is in the detail.

@BabyFour2023 sorry if missed. Do you have children?

Daft question ignore me considering your user name!?

That’s great for you. You’re the only happy one I know.

Why did you say preschoolers wake up at 6am if that isn’t your experience? Seems an odd assumption to make when it’s the opposite to your experience.

Wrt you pulling the 3yo & 14yo comment; I assumed that was directed at me being as I’m the one you were replying to and I pointed out I had a 10 year gap. Kind of easy to come to that conclusion.

Love your honesty by the way; didn’t have another child because you care about the environment but have 3 cars 😂😂😂 only on mumsnet!!

Good spot!! 😂