Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

Well my son is autistic and non-verbal. Eldest of three. He lives 5 mins from us in his own home with 24 hour 2:1 support. I do a lot of the support.

His siblings are happy young adults who often talk honestly about their childhood. They are aware it was insane at times but they joke about it. They are aware that they didn’t do some of the things their friends did but I don’t get any sense they feel they missed out. There is certainly no resentment.

I think 3 has been great - they have each other. They are very different but get on very well now. They’re not traumatised by their brother even though some of the situations we went through as a family were horrendous. I’d say they’re both resilient and have a good sense of perspective. They also had each other - which helped and helps.

I’m quite staggered reading the comments tbh. Turns out lots of people think a family like ours is the devil’s work. You know what OP - I couldn’t give a shit & I don’t think you should either. You do what suits your family - you’ll always have people muttering.

I’ve never had an inkling of the mutterings on this thread in real life. I suspect that is because one advantage of a severely disabled child is they tend to act as a great filter - so you end up with friends who don’t judge.

I disagree. My brother didn’t speak until he was 7/8. I mean, he babbled but it wasn’t understandable. It is nigh on impossible to predict how his life will be. He does have autism too, I did say that previously. He wasn’t diagnosed until recently but his behaviours have been there since he was a young child.
None of us have any idea how OPs eldest son will see his brother when they’re adults.
My brother is an amazing uncle because he adores them and they him. When he runs upto them and picks them up for a cuddle. When he spins them round in the air. When they sit tickling one another and laughing for ages. When they play hide and seek together. When they sit blowing bubbles together. He doesn’t have to be an NT adult to be an amazing uncle. He is fun and he is kind and he is loving. That’s what my children and I love about him.

@Sindonym and Babyfour.

I completely relate to your posts above. They could have been written by any of my children.

Why do you think that she needs to explain to her kids that they aren't enough? Why would they feel they aren't enough? Do you have multiple children? Did you tell the first one that they were not enough love for them or something? 🤨 Is that a normal conversation to have with children upon a new sibling? That's really not a fair thing for you to suggest. Lots of parents have multiple kids and I don't go around thinking "oh the first one just wasn't enough for the parents..." Is that a thought that crosses your mind often when you see parents with more than one baby because I'm a one and done mother but even I have never once thought that. Weird thought process... Honestly.

OP as you can see some posters think a 3rd is a great thing, others don't, including me.

I honestly don't know how my two girls will feel when they grow up, but right now I have a 16 year old who regularly bawls her eyes out at the situation and a 10 year old who is targeted for physical and verbal abuse. You know your son and the potential dynamics and how that may pan out, I didn't have that as I had a [unplanned] newborn in my arms when autism was first mentioned. I feel a failure of a parent nearly everyday, it isn't just about the resilience of the other children, it is also about the resilience of you as the parent.

Three is hard work, you need to be 100% certain it is the right decision.

I wouldn’t judge but I’d wonder about rhe support your younger child needed as he got older and if it would get harder and if you could cope if a third child was also autistic or needed support.

I say this as a close friends child is non verbal autistic and it’s hard, very very hard. his needs increased the older, stronger and bigger he got . But I’d assume you’d taken all this into account before making rhe decision.

whatever you decide I assume you will do what’s best for your family and hope you will be at peace with your decision, whatever that may be.

I wouldn’t, sounds like you have your hands full already, and having another child will take time away from your two existing children. I think you should take this into consideration especially considering you have one with additional needs

I'd judge privately, but I wouldn't show it if I knew you and you'd never know. Outwardly I would smile and congratulate you. I'm a parent of an autistic child (now an adult) and didn't have another child until DS1 was old enough to go into supported living on his own. He needed my full attention until then, especially throughout the teenage years when he was physically bigger than I was, and I needed to stop work to get him a decent EHCP and deliver daily therapies at home and accompany him to weekly appointments and therapies. He wouldn't have had the provisions and the support he had throughout his childhood (and still has now) if I'd had my hands full with a younger sibling.

OP - all this talk of terribly hard work autistic children. My son (who is sweet & loving & funny) is recognised as one of the most challenging to services in his cohort. He lived at home until 17 and his then social worker told me she would wake in the night in dread at what might happen. Since leaving home we had 16 good months, followed by a year & a half of utter hell, and now nearly years of rebuilding his life with a wonderful provider. As I said earlier I am very involved in his support & that is partly because he is hard work for services (as well as being the delightful, funny, loving young man I described above).

Yes it put enormous strain on the family - particularly us. Having a third child didn’t make the blindest bit of difference other than give the younger two someone to share the experience with. There was absolutely nothing negative about having a third.

Having only ds1 & no other kids would not have helped. He stayed at home with us as long as he could whether or not he had siblings. He moved out when his care needs became 2:1. We couldn’t have done that even without siblings as dh needed to work. So did I really, although we could live without my input if necessary.

Having 2 or 3 kids in all the above made zero difference to the situation. And the other two are happy, well adjusted adults. We remain a close family - probably closer to the younger two than we might otherwise have been at their ages because of what we all went through (think this thread shows you can’t really understand it from the outside, which leads to a stronger bond between those who do).

So again. If you want a third & feel you can cope with another child go for it,

OP I wonder if this is really about your family. Are they very judgemental and unpleasant? Because I don't think anyone here would think to judge you, nor would it cross their mind that they would have any business standing in judgement. But sounds like your family feel they do. If that's the case ignore them and go for it.

Nope. Your life, your business.

There was absolutely nothing negative about having a third.

For me there was / is. Please stop downplaying my experience. I have acknowledged that others may feel different to me for a myriad of reasons and it would be good for that to be extended the other way.

Have you got an action plan if the third is diagnosed with autism which is very likely. Then would you go for a fourth baby, where do you draw the line? I'd actually go for some generic counselling first before making a decision. Think very carefully because you will be making a decision that will impact a child(ren) not necessarily for the better.

There was absolutely nothing negative about having a third.

...for yourself. You can't speak for your children though. And they might not be entirely honest with you if asked

I want to give an POV here from an autistic adult.

On the one hand, part of me wants to say your family, your business, an autistic child is not a curse, you already know how to care for an autistic child, etc. I don’t necessarily empathise with the dread around autism, because I come from a family where we are all autistic. But also, we are all different, partly due to nature and partly other factors. I’m the oldest of three. Me, then my sister (5 years younger) than my brother (8 years younger than me, 3 years younger than my sister). My brother was the only one diagnosed in childhood with autism and has high support needs. He had terrible meltdowns and was violent, which became problematic in his teens. I mostly missed that stage because I had moved out, but my sister got a lot of it. My sister has a lot of trauma from what she went through, she has CPTSD, has had a lot of therapy and never held down a job, and I have no doubt it was hardest on her and the trauma she experienced is what has made the difference, as otherwise we are fairly similar. My autism was missed until adulthood because I was female and “no trouble” - I was the classic quiet, daydreamy, nerdy kid, so of course, autism does not automatically equal difficult. But having my brother, when my parents were already older, completely changed our family dynamics and honestly not for the better. I think before my brother arrived you’d have said we were just an eccentric family (both my parents, I suspect, are also autistic) but after that, the whole family had to be arranged around his needs, and me and my sister had to fit in with that.

I guess I’m sharing here because even in an entirely autistic family, there can be vast differences and there is more likelihood as far as I know of a child possibly having higher support needs if the parents are older. Of course also different families deal differently with a child with higher support needs too. Mine did their best, but they were very out of their comfort zone with a high needs autistic child - it stretched them way beyond their capacity. You might be far more comfortable with the idea OP, and may be well resourced if you do have an autistic child with more needs than there are in your current family setup. Only you will know.

Raven Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel stretched beyond my capacity so I can empathise there.

Totally agree with you. Same situation exactly with my sis and her three, middle child is non verbal autistic and equally described as most severely affected in the county . The other two love her to bits and are a great support to each other

Genetic counselling not generic counselling.

I have no doubt that my two girls love their brother, it doesn't mean that they also find the situation difficult.

Sadly I have to agree.

I was a Salt and children who are non-verbal at this age are not going to suddenly develop normal communication skills. I wish I could be optimistic, but it won't happen. (Though I would love to be proved wrong)

Your niece has been described as the “most severely effected in the county” by whom?

Having 2 or 3 kids in all the above made zero difference to the situation

hand on heart. Can you honestly say or made zero difference ?

@Sindonym

i thought I recognised your user name

. It has been difficult for his siblings but they have always been understanding of his difficulties, although their feelings can be complicated (fear, worry for him, worry for us, worry for them, love, loyalty etc). .

We did have to split ourselves a lot so one of us with ds1 and the other with the other 2. There were times when the younger two had to lock themselves away to be safe.

this sure as heck doesn’t sound like it had zero impact