Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

I wouldn't judge you as I have a none verbal child and had another (unplanned surprise pregnancy).
However the odds of having another autistic child are higher as we found out unfortunately and it's bloody hard work 😩.
I was also a few years older than you when the last one was born x

If you were someone I knew, I think I would regard the decision as no-one's business but yours.

I would have an automatic 😬😬😬reaction if I'm being completely honest, but I'm a very cautious and consider the worst case scenario etc when making most decisions

She really is! Funny enough most people with disabled children as myself have made good provisions , life insurances , wills with money left I trusts and pretty much thought about most events . I would love to see this poster approach to motherhood, we can only assume she has her life in full check and perfect for her children 🙄🙄

No the opposite. I'd understand it. Children and babies bring love and joy. If we looked at the difficulties no one would ever have a child.

It's up to you.

What will a third child bring you that the other two haven't?
If you can love and support 3 children - crack on.

at 8… automatism and non verbal.

I am very sorry to say that unlikely to ever be the case that he’s loving living in sheltered accommodation .

and I think if you think back to your experience with you brother, it would have been different if he had been autistic and non verb.

sadly it is highly unlikely the OP’s NT child will be describing his brother as a “wonderful uncle” at 20

I wouldn't judge because you will be the one carrying the weight of a SN child and other children, but you do realise the possiblility of another child with ASC is high? Especially with an older mother as the risk rises with age.

I'm not demonising ASC children at all but I do know they can be very hard work.

If you have the finances, space and feel that you can cope with another child then no, absolutely not I wouldn't judge go for it!

What will a third child bring you that the other two haven't?

This!!

I wouldn't judge, but I still think it an unwise decision. Three is hard going, life is not set up for 3, and this will have a massive impact going forward especially with a large gap between 2 and 3. My ds (also autistic) very much has a love / hate relationship with his younger sister and it is an endless source of stress.

Maybe if you have good support (we don't) lots of money (we don't) and local services that give a shit (we don't) then it probably would be ok.

As much as the third is responsible for pretty much all of my grey hair I wouldn't be without her, but life would be a lot easier if it was just the older two.

I agree

You have 2 kids and 16 waking hours. How many of your hours will you take from your current kids so you can give them to the new kid?

Do you feel like your current kids have more of your time than they need? Do your current kids feel like they have more of your time than they need?

How are you going to explain to your existing kids that they’re not enough to satisfy you and that you’re going to roll the dice on a complete stranger (the new kid) to see if that makes things better?

Going from 2 to 3 kids is very different from going from 1 to 2, particularly when there’s a big age gap.

Only you know how well you are coping with life, no judgement from me. I feel like people judge 3 kids regardless lol. If you don't stick to that magic 2 people lose their minds.

Its totally up to you, no-one has the right to judge you.
However, make sure you think it through. How would you cope with twins(more likely as you get older)? Would you be able to manage a second special needs child? Can you doors another? If you can answer all of these and still want another then the best of luck to you OP🙂

I have 2 children, my youngest has autism. I was always going to stop at 2, but when we learned of his diagnosis, I was certain I'd never have another child.

I am not judging you, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have another child.

Not even remotely x

How are you going to explain to your existing kids that they’re not enough to satisfy you and that you’re going to roll the dice on a complete stranger (the new kid) to see if that makes things better?

Jesus, are you always so dramatic?

Good point about twins. My friend just went for her third and final and found out she's having three and four 🙈

Can't you say that about any child?

No I wouldn't judge you at all. It's your choice!

Other people can be as concerned as they like, still not your business.

Does it matter ?

@Callingmrssnow what do your boys think of the idea?

No judgement here - I wouldn't do it myself, but I'm not you!