Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

No, just explaining why I find certain posts on here odd!

Anyway, I may be excessively cautious, and projecting as well.

When was the last time you were around a baby or toddler? I get these strong feelings to have another too…then I meet up with friends with little ones and I seriously reconsider 😆 It’s soooooo easy to forget how exhausting it truly is. Offer to babysit a friends small kids for the day! They could probably do with the rest, and you’d be able to remind yourself.

No judgement here. You do whatever the fuck you want to as it's only you that has to do the work. Only you know if you can cope.

I’m sorry that was your experience.

Yes

BabyFour2023 · Today 17:19
Such as?

I have a disabled sibling and have never had to make any sacrifices.

how do you know though? You don’t know differently

Not true. Are we forgetting there is a partner and two kids whose lives will be hugely impacted? It's not just OP doing the woek

Well the 8 years I had before he arrived. I think a child, certainly a teenager and young adult, is perfectly aware of whether or not their needs are being met and whether they feel neglected & pushed aside or not.

You do whatever the fuck you want to as it's only you that has to do the work.

and what if the OP gets cancer? Killed in a car crash?

what happens she grows old

what happens when he and her husband die

I suppose it depends on the severity of the disability, doesn’t it

As I said each family unique. Depends on type of disability, family wealth and support. Stats show parents of children with a disability are more likely to separate and household income is lower. Things like respite care or residential care that existed in past don’t exist or are cut back to bone. It’s well recognised that having a disabled sibling can impact a child - things like contextual offers at uni, access to work experience schemes for disadvantaged include child carers in their eligibility. Charities offer support for whole family not just the child with the disability in some cases.
It’s great you were not impacted but you can’t pretend that’s the case for many families.

Also, I have friends. I was at school with other children. I know how my childhood was compared to that of others. My cousin was an only child. My childhood was a damned sight better than hers was. She would’ve agreed, too and told me so often. I had an amazing childhood and my brother in no way hindered that. We all had more than some other children did and we weren’t the ones who’s parents missed the plays, the assemblies, the parents evenings as posted previously.

Sounds great and I’m pleased for you

May I ask what your siblings disability was?

I’m not pretending anything. I’m fully aware all families are different which is why I pointed out that it wasn’t my personal experience.

Tbh I probably would judge you, although I know it would be wrong to. I have an autistic non verbal son who has a high level of complex needs, and it's harder to look after him the older he gets. He has a twin who is on the pathway to a diagnosis of autism and ADHD. I also have ADHD. Me and my first mentioned boy have had genetic tests and we do share some genetic variations. His twin will have them in due course.
Twin 2 has suffered because his twin requires so much attention and there are things we can't do and places we can't go.

I decided I wouldn't have any more children because either the sons I already have wouldn't receive the care and attention they need, or the new baby wouldn't. My chances of having another autistic child are high, especially given my age, and I couldn't cope with another one like my boys (as much as i love them). And they wouldn't cope either.

Have you considered how you would all cope if your next child was also disabled? It seems like you're taking it for granted that you will have a healthy, happy, neurotypical baby

@BabyFour2023

have you and your family discussed what will happen when your parents can’t care your sibling?

Of course; he has Down’s syndrome. He was also diagnosed as an adult with ASD a couple of years ago. He’s an amazing uncle; now in his 20s and we all absolutely adore him.

He lives with your parents?

He lives in supported accommodation. So he would tell you he lives with his pals ❤️ Has his own lovely flat and has communal areas where he spends time with his friends. He gets support on site but has a lot of independent skills so he can cook, wash his clothes and dry them and keeps him home tidy and clean.
We see him socially often but I see all my siblings often and my parents as we’re a really close family so that wouldn’t change and isn’t because of his disability.

Sorry cross post; no he lives in supported accommodation at his own request.

Do you normally live your life in accordance with what you think other people think?

If u both want another child then do it. I couldn't worry about what people may or may not think. I have real problems to worry over instead.

This is great.

But I am sure you can appreciate… rather different to the OP’s son

Well we don’t know. He’s only 8. I appreciate all children are different of course which is why I wanted to give my take on things. I think it’s harsh to assume all disabled children are a hinderance on their siblings lives is all.