Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

Does everyone who has a child beforehand consider the possibility that they would have a child with autism ?

Yes, if there's one in the family already and if the mother is older, definitely.

Does everyone who has a child [with a highly genetically determined condition] beforehand consider the possibility that they would have a[nother] child with [the same genetically determined condition] ?

Probably, yes.

Children with disabled siblings are often classed as young carers to recognise impact on their lives.
Obviously each family unique. But a disabled sibling may mean parents are away a lot at hospital appointments inc overnight.
Holidays and day trips may not be possible or more limited.
Money may be tight if a parent can’t work as they are a carer so siblings miss out on school trips and overall lifestyle is poorer.
parents evening, school plays - parents can’t attend if no suitable carer for disabled sibling.
As an adult may feel they need to stay locally to support parents caring for disabled child.

Of course we do.

Not a single one of these applies to me either now or during my childhood.

Frankly, in our overcrowded world I don't think anyone should have more than two children (or two successful pregnancies, whichever is the sooner).

However that is my opinion and I wouldn't judge you on it - I just wonder why anyone feels the need to do more than replace themselves in the world.

Having said that, I only ever intended to have one, but when my husband's parents died in close succession, we had an overwhelming urge to have another child, and did, so I'm not really in a position to talk because that urge really is incredibly powerful.

I worried we'd be judged for having a 3rd even though we had no disability issues with the other two. As in why would I make my life harder and if it all goes pear shaped it would be my fault as two should be enough . I can you see that you would feel this x 100. At the end of the day only you can decide what is right for your family.

All of the above ⬆

No judgement at all but in your position I would consider the following:

Do you feel you'd be able to cope and give all 3 of your children the time and input they need?

How would you cope if DC3 was also non-verbal autistic, as it often runs in families? How would this impact your 1 non-autistic child?

Do you have plans for when your autistic child is an adult and likely becomes more difficult to manage physically? (Your choices in this area could impact on how much time and energy you have to dedicate to your other two.)

If you've fully thought it through and think it's the right choice for the whole family then go for it!

I would think carefully about the level of support your ASD DC is going to need, especially in the teen years, before embarking on another DC OP. I have one ASD DC with a learning disability and 3 NT DC and certainly wouldn't judge you. His older siblings have never been responsible for DS2 and I don't expect them to be not that I'm saying yours would like some PP have suggested.

ASD DC is not difficult to manage at home. What has been harder to deal with than his actual diagnosis, is getting support in place for him. His education has been a shit show and I'm still having to go through a Tribunal now he's 20. I had my 4th DC when he was 8 (before formal diagnosis)) and I wouldn't have not had him but the amount of time I've spent dealing with schools, LA and appointments as well as the stress from constantly having to fight, well it would have been certainly easier if we hadn't had another. I also didn't know much about the 'system' then. Certainly couldn't hold down a job with it all and a much younger DC. Something to consider if you're planning to work/ continue to work.

Assume he's got an EHCP and is already in a special school if your DS is non verbal? Have an idea on what care he's going to need going forward, get respite care in place, think about residential colleges and supported living for the teen years etc. Just to plan ahead so things don't start getting difficult to manage if you have a young child at that time.

I personally wouldn't judge you as I think it's not my business but I imagine if I knew you personally I would be worried that your next one might have autism also and think about how that might affect your life. Although I guess some cases are more mild than others. Perhaps it would not be that bad? At the end of the day you have to make the decision you can live with even if it upsets others. If missing your opportunity to try for another would be something that would leave your always wondering "What if?" And you would feel lacking then I think you should do it even if others won't understand! It's your life! You need to do what will make YOU and your family happy! Forget what others think!

I would hope that most responsible prospective parents would at least consider the possibility of having a child with any kind of disability. I would certainly expect people to think this through if they know that there are already disabilities in the family with a strong genetic component. Surely this is just basic common sense.

I'm not saying that those families should not go on to have more children anyway (or at least, not because of the disability - I do think people should stop at 2 for the sake of the planet.) I just think it's wise to consider the likely implications for the whole family of having another child with a disability, and to make an informed judgement on whether or not they can manage that.

The suggestions from some posters that the OP should have a third child in order to help the first child care for the second are frankly ridiculous and actually a bit offensive.

not at all

I wouldn’t judge you. People have babies in far worse circumstances.

But I have to say, if I were you I wouldn’t. It sounds like you are doing well, your DC are doing well, why gamble with that? Too much chance of thinking why the hell did we do it, if things turn out really tough.

I have two similar age to yours, one with SN. She is going through an “easy” phase right now but I know from past experience and MN that things can go down as well as up. The teenage years and secondary school may well bring new and unexpected challenges. I wouldn’t want to be juggling that plus a toddler/pre schooler personally, and that’s without the risk of the third having SN too.

(having said that I’ve never wanted three so perhaps the wrong person to ask.)

I wouldn't judge you but I think you may underestimate how hard it is to go back to the new born stage after such a big gap!

If you think you can manage 3 children and keep a happy home, then it's no one else's business. 😊

I wouldn't judge, but I think there could be a higher chance of another child having autism, even if dc1 hasn't. I think as long as you could manage that.
My dc1 has autism and we are just about to begin the assessment process for dc2 who also shows traits.
If you want another child, and are prepared for any possibilities then go for it!! You may regret not doing.

Sometimes on MN I feel that I am the only one struggling with parenting. I have two NT children, and even then I found their teen and YA adult years tough, especially with the pandemic and subsequent MH concerns. One more, even NT, would have killed me. But then I come on here and see rah rah statements like " You never regret a child you have had" and "If you think you will cope, you will!"and I wonder if I am clearly very wet and incapable. The other possibility is that posters have not dealt with the teen and YA years yet, involving GCSEs, A levels, uni, and a whole different level of stress to the cute small kids phase.

@Lentilweaver you probably just take parenting a lot more seriously than many other people

Lol I really don't think so, and I hope I don't sound as if I am a great parent. However, the teen and YA years really took me by surprise. The challenges were so different to what I faced and I am not out of the woods yet. I feel like DC today need support for far longer thanks to the economic climate, climate change, and a million other things.

I don't think you're wet and incapable. I just think all children are different. I only have one dd, and she has been incredibly easy all the way through, though we haven't yet got to the YA stage (she's 17). It's just luck!

Have you only just joined mumsnet? Because hundreds of threads every day about people struggling with various stages of parenting 🫤

And during the pandemic… literally 80% were of people struggling with children!

I would be so worried about what happened to the siblings when my husband and I died.

The siblings would be left as carers or as arranging extensive care.

It’s not about whether you and your husband can handle it OP

It is about what happens when you and your husband aren’t around and likely much sooner than that when you are elderly or I’ll and can’t care for him