Christmas Day

[Evans60]

This year has been a busy year and my husband and I have decided to spend Christmas Day just the two of us with our two dogs. He’ll be spending the week before Christmas with his mother at her home as I’ll be working. My husband and I will spend Christmas Day together at home before I spend a few days with family and friends then come back home and us spend a few days together before starting the new working year. My husband has said his mother is still upset she won’t get to spend Christmas Day with us, despite seeing him for a week! We’ve spent the last few years with family on Christmas Day and want this year to ourselves for one day. AIBU?

She was on her own or went to her friend’s.

She’s 57, not elderly and alone. She shouldn’t be relying on her DS to fill a void when he is entitled to his own life. My mum was like this, she saw her grown children and grandchildren as her social circle and we had to involve her in everything. The problem was, when she was with us (which was often), any other friend was ‘intruding on family time’ and she made them feel very uncomfortable.

YANBU. I'd think differently if your MIL was 77 or 87, but that is not the case.

It is draining that this isn’t enough and that he just wants a Christmas Day where he can kick back and enjoy the day he wants this year

With 4 weeks notice at the cost of leaving someone on their own over Christmas. Her age doesn't come into it, whether she was 20 or 90, Christmas is an emotionally charged day. Perhaps they could have chatted about what would work for everyone, perhaps she'd have loved Christmas Day company and he could have had a week at home to recharge? Perhaps he could have mentioned a couple months ago and help solutionise an alternative with a family member or friend you've mentioned rather than saying "I want this, im going to assume what works for you and do it like this" because as you say she's 57 not a child or vulnerable elder. He could have chatted with her like an adult.

No he's not responsible for her happiness, yes we are all modern people and should be accountable for ourselves yadde yadde, but where is your humanity? This is family, do you not care even a bit how she might feel on that day? I just don't get this entitlement, perhaps she's being entitled too, but tbh the way you've put this across makes you the easy target in this.

You sound so nasty.

He sounds as grumpy as the OP. Maybe the MIL will be better off just going to Church, and then popping to the local pub for an hour, and then spending the afternoon alone with the King's Speech, a Disney film, and a bottle of port! GOT to be better than trying to force her miserable sausage of a son, and his equally grumpy curmudgeon of a wife to socialise with her. Bloody hell. Poor woman.

I had an aunt (married with grown up children) who pretended once to be ill at Christmas (they were all going to spend the day at a relatives). The rest of them went off and she stayed at home alone - she said it was her best Christmas - just her, some nice food and the tv.

i think the voting thing is skewiff! Every single person practically has said she is being unreasonable but the poll says the opposite?

I think you are reasonable to choose how you spend your Christmas Day. And voted accordingly.
I subsequently changed my vote on the basis of your total lack of understanding of and unreasonable attitude to single people and their "choices" .
I would never guilt trip or demand my dd's time on Christmas Day or any other day for that matter.
But empathy and understanding are vital human qualities that make the world a better place.

Tbh if her husband left her she didn’t actually choose to be alone or choose to be a single parent. The attitude towards her relationship status is really awful. However, if you’ve spent the last 2 christmases with her I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all to spend one alone this year. As long as you spend every 2 or 3 with her there’s no cause for complaint

You don't deserve the kicking you've been given. I don't agree with some of your sentiments about single women - I suspect my own dear Ma would rather have eaten her feet with a spoon than take up with another partner after enduring 3 decades of my appalling father - but some of these comments are disgusting. The thread drips with that ugly brand of misogyny that places the onus of responsibility for your husband's decisions entirely onto you, and claims that it must always be women who sacrifice their own comfort for the service of others.

For one busy, hard year, with a still-young MiL, YABU to take time out at Christmas for you. It's not as though you are permanently icing her out. In any case you're better off not setting precedents that it will later be much more difficult to break.

To read these comments anyone would think you were recommending a ceremonial kitten-drowning to commemorate King Herod.

Some posters could use to get a sense of perspective (and a grip) here.

She is being unreasonable in her nasty comments about single people. She is demonstrating an immaturity and lack of empathy. Unless someone leads their life how she would they must be wrong.

I think she is narrow minded and the things she says are unpleasant. But I also think if she wants to spend Christmas Day with just her husband she should.

Oh in that case, it’s absolutely fine to leave her on her own in Christmas Day. What a nasty comment.

YABU. Fair enough if you had given her more notice that you weren’t spending Xmas day with her, but you haven’t and she hasn’t had an invite from other people so she would be on her own

Your later comments give you away, i honestly hope your husband gets to see your bad mouthing comments about his mother.

This is true.

You say you couldn't care less about xmas, would be happy to spend it alone etc but you are adamant that your MIL can't come over on xmas day because you want to have a special day alone with your DH.
I'd shorten the week visit and then you go there on xmas eve. Bring a nice meal and have an earlyish lunch xmas day with MIL and then head home and spend the rest of the holidays however you like.

Every single person practically has said she is being unreasonable but the poll says the opposite?

I suspect because lots of people have come along, voted, and chosen not to get into the thread which has turned into a pile-on with all sorts of random accusations being levelled at the OP.

Why? What a horrible thing to suggest: you either get my company for a week or just for one special day. How would you feel if you were old and lonely and your adult child said that to you?

OP, Just have her for Christmas Day too and have a different day together. Have your Christmas Day on Boxing Day - save any rituals and present suntil then. No difference to you but a lot to her.

I think you're being mean, whether she is 57 or 87, she doesn't want to be on her own and you haven't given her time to get an alternative organised. Not many people would feel brave enough to ask if they can join a friend's family Christmas. Also, are you sure your own mum is happy being alone? Maybe she's just putting on a brave face because she hears you moan about your MIL being clingy?

Exactly! How dare op and her dh want the Christmas they want! Don't they know they have to give other.people the Christmas they want!...

You are coming across really badly but I think yanbu. I’m not an only child and I don’t have an only child but I can see that only children often do feel like they are “on” all the time. I don’t think you can expect to spend every Christmas with your child and child in law for all sorts of reasons but given that it is completely normal for parents and children to spend the day together then late November is not a good time to drop this. I also agree with a pp - you are the generation of hosts now - you take the burden of seeing that everyone else is fine before settling down to enjoy yourself. That doesn’t necessarily mean spending every Christmas furiously peeling sprouts and never going skiing but it does mean losing the I’m alright Jack attitude as you breezily announce you don’t want to see your mum on Christmas Day and instead, planning things and having conversations in advance.

But she wants it all her own way, doesn't she? Doesn't care what her son wants. Why doesn't he matter?

Every single person practically has said she is being unreasonable but the poll says the opposite?

That's because many people didn't realise by the OP's first post EXACTLY what she was like! Took a few posts for that to emerge.

You appear callous, obdurate, lacking in any capacity to question your decision. Why then have you started this thread if you don’t listen to the responses?
Remember, your MiL was once in the position you are now in; you might well be in hers in time. Would it really suit you to be unwanted at a special event rather than havingchosen to be alone which you imagine you’ll be?
Have you considered that your mother and MiL would like to be with you both at Christmas? Your MiL is being honest with you. Perhaps your mother is merely putting in a brave face. You acknowledge the importance of this occasion but cannot play that card so that it only applies to you and your DH.

This isn't just PEOPLE. This is the OP's husband's MOTHER FFS!