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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Day

425 replies

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 19:22

This year has been a busy year and my husband and I have decided to spend Christmas Day just the two of us with our two dogs. He’ll be spending the week before Christmas with his mother at her home as I’ll be working. My husband and I will spend Christmas Day together at home before I spend a few days with family and friends then come back home and us spend a few days together before starting the new working year. My husband has said his mother is still upset she won’t get to spend Christmas Day with us, despite seeing him for a week! We’ve spent the last few years with family on Christmas Day and want this year to ourselves for one day. AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 27/11/2022 22:27

KingJulien · 27/11/2022 21:46

She’s 57, not elderly and alone. She shouldn’t be relying on her DS to fill a void when he is entitled to his own life. My mum was like this, she saw her grown children and grandchildren as her social circle and we had to involve her in everything. The problem was, when she was with us (which was often), any other friend was ‘intruding on family time’ and she made them feel very uncomfortable.

What a miserable and depressing post. I am so glad MY 2 adult children (and the partners) don't think so little of me and my DH (their father.) And no they DON'T think very little of us before anyone says 'well how do you know.........?' They love and adore us as much as we love and adore them. We can tell by the way they treat us, and it's not how the OP treats the MIL. (Thank God.) And the OP's husband is just as bad by the sound of it.

The MIL will know how much the OP dislikes her. People aren't stupid. And maybe that's why she wants and needs Christmas day with her son, for the reassurance and comfort. She probably fears the OP driving a massive wedge between her and her son. (If she hasn't already.)

There are some really depressing and sad posts on here. Basically, some posters are acting like their parents are a bloody nuisance. Sad 'Oh she is only 57-60, she is a spring chicken, she can make new friends/find a new man etc, instead of expecting her adult children to spend time with her.. What a cheeky bint she is expecting to see her OWN SON on one of the most special and magical days of the year.....' Hmm URGH, some people!

MummyJ36 · 27/11/2022 22:32

Sometimes you’ve got to pick your battles. If you get on ok in general I would say suck it up this year, invite her round and relax either side of it. I’d also say open the conversation very early in the new year about you and your DH going skiing next Christmas so she can make plants with plenty of notice.

Wife2b · 27/11/2022 22:32

You sound awful and cold OP. If you’d happily spend it alone then it clearly isn’t an important day for you so why are you so insistent on it being just you, your husband and your dogs? Surely you can do that any other day. I can’t imagine leaving anyone intentionally alone for Christmas, I’d change plans at the drop of a hat if any of my loved ones were going to be alone. I’m baffled by anyone that wouldn’t.

StampOnTheGround · 27/11/2022 22:33

YABVU - if Christmas Day means a lot to her and she doesn't want to be on her own then yes you should spend it with her. You can have Boxing Day as just you 2 and the dogs if it doesn't mean much to you anyway.

You sound a very cold person and you have no idea how you may be when you're older. If I was on my own when older and without a husband, I would be shocked if my child and his wife shunned me.

LemonBounce · 27/11/2022 22:34

Sounds like you need a break but I'm not sure why it has to be on Christmas day? I think your feelings around Christmas aren't the same as other people's - for many it is about family. It's not surprising your MIL has this view and it's understandable she would feel excluded. Why make somebody unhappy unnecessarily?

justcallmebozo · 27/11/2022 22:35

Skelligsfeathers · 27/11/2022 21:54

i think the voting thing is skewiff! Every single person practically has said she is being unreasonable but the poll says the opposite?

Because people with happy family relationships think everyone else should be the same, and if they're not then they must be mean & evil
And because YANBU people (77% of us) just quietly comment and then get on with their life, and YABU people just can't stop themselves from having a shouty rant whenever they get the chance.

sundaebest · 27/11/2022 22:46

justcallmebozo · 27/11/2022 22:35

Because people with happy family relationships think everyone else should be the same, and if they're not then they must be mean & evil
And because YANBU people (77% of us) just quietly comment and then get on with their life, and YABU people just can't stop themselves from having a shouty rant whenever they get the chance.

Show quote history

Right? The PP does know this is AIBU where people just love to pile on the abuse!

BlackFriday · 27/11/2022 22:52

Skiing is a passion of your husband's? Why does that mean you have to go at Christmas, leaving mil alone again. And why could you not have both mothers to stay at once, rather than alternating, leaving one alone?

Sorry, OP, but there is no way of spinning this that doesn't make you look heartless. Lots of us have a secret ideal of how we might spend Christmas if we didn't have the commitments we do but that doesn't mean we act on them. We do the decent thing and make the compromises that will make most people happy.

ImAvingOops · 27/11/2022 22:54

There's a lot of infantilising of the mil here. She doesn't need the OP to arrange for her to spend Christmas with friends/other relatives - a 57 year old woman is more than capable of sorting it out herself! She doesn't need her life organising for her and as a woman approaching my 50s, I'd be quite pissed off at the notion I'm too old/infirm to make my own arrangements.
And women in their 50s are just as capable of manipulating and guilt tripping as anyone else! She shouldn't be putting pressure on her son to sacrifice his plans so she can have Christmas exactly as she wants - it isn't fair on him.

DixonD · 27/11/2022 22:58

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 19:42

She’s 57 and has friends she could spend the day with and other family members.

Then YABU. People want to spend it with their family, not friends (for the most part). And how distant are these other family members? Maybe she doesn’t want to invite herself.

You’re being very mean. I hate my MIL but it was me that suggested we spend it with her this year because we’ve entertained my family for the last two!

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/11/2022 22:59

@ImAvingOops

There's a lot of infantilising of the mil here.

There really isn't.

I'd be quite pissed off at the notion I'm too old/infirm to make my own arrangements.

Most people would, However, that is not even remotely close to the situation in this thread.

And women in their 50s are just as capable of manipulating and guilt tripping as anyone else.

Who said they weren't? This still doesn't apply to the OP's MIL though. She is not 'manipulating' anyone. Just wants to see her OWN SON on Christmas day as she is alone and will feel very lonely. I mean just how DARE someone want to see their OWN SON on Christmas day? What a monster she is!!!! Hmm

FFS, give me fucking strength! Confused

FallingsHowIFeel · 27/11/2022 23:01

sundaebest · 27/11/2022 22:46

Right? The PP does know this is AIBU where people just love to pile on the abuse!

Show quote history

I don’t think that. I have no contact with my parents. My partner is low contact with his parents because they’re not nice people. We wouldn’t care if his mum was on her own on Xmas day because she’s been a cunt to us over the years and doesn’t deserve our company. No guilt whatsoever.

However, OP has said she likes her MIL so it’s a totally different situation. If you like someone and you’re the closest person to them, I can’t imagine not inviting them at Xmas. How could you enjoy the day knowing they’re alone and would prefer to be with you? I’m quite a hard person on these things really, I don’t buy into the blood is thicker than water bullshit, but it’s the fact that they seem to like his mum yet think this is ok that has me 🤯

SwishSwishBisch · 27/11/2022 23:03

Soooo, you don’t care about Christmas Day or think it’s a big deal as long as it’s someone else’s day that is being impacted, but you do care if it’s YOURS?

You are coming across as incredibly cold OP.

Bog · 27/11/2022 23:04

OP you are not a nice person.

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/11/2022 23:06

Agree with @SwishSwishBisch and @Bog

MargotChateau · 27/11/2022 23:10

I voted YANBU, because OP has hosted MIL for previous Christmas’, and her own mother, but would like a break this year to enjoy it on their own with their partner.

I’ve spent every Christmas with my mil for Christmas years (and there are many family friends at her Christmases) and she doesn’t allow DP and I to do anything we want, the whole day is so tightly controlled and we don’t enjoy it, one year we went away and had one on our own and it was BLISS!, but what a manipulative fuss she kicked up, this year we will have a baby on the way, so we are starting our own tradition, just spending it at home, eating what we want and resting (we both work so hard in the lead up to Christmas by the time we get to our time off we are both exhausted).

SultanOfSwing · 27/11/2022 23:20

I changed my vote too after the “she’s on her own by choice” post.

I hope the OP never finds herself middle aged and alone with children after her partner has left - oh but if she doesn’t find someone else that’s choosing to be alone…

And the OP is full of wisdom about how she will react to children she doesn’t even have. Uh huh.

MsPavlichenko · 27/11/2022 23:22

I am 57 and frankly astonished at your MIL’s expectations. I am equally astonished that your DP is spending a week ( using holiday time? ) with her assuming you don’t live abroad.

I have adult DC myself and whilst it’s lovely to be with them if they choose I am clear that they can choose to do what they want at Christmas or any other time. I have a partner tbf However my late DM was alone for over 20 years after my Dad died and had a similar approach. She was happy to be with us, do her own thing or see others. We were exceptionally close, as I was with my late DMIL too but I never felt pressure from either to be endlessly available.YANBU.

JaneAustensHeroine · 27/11/2022 23:23

I’m pretty hard hearted at times when it comes to Christmas, tradition and family but if I’m in this country and if my MiL is alone then I would most definitely invite her.

Mumwithbaggage · 27/11/2022 23:24

I'm 58 and can't imagine worrying about spending Christmas on my own. Would probably go away somewhere lovely. But that's easy for me to say - I'm not your MIL!

I kind of get it, but I would hate to think of anyone sat at home on their own feeling lonely.

Trez1510 · 27/11/2022 23:29

OP appears to have defined Schrödinger's Christmas.

Simultaneously unimportant (to the future her) and important (to the now her).

For that reason (rank hypocrisy) I've voted YABU.

surreygirl1987 · 27/11/2022 23:34

She is on her own by choice. She’s had 20 years to meet someone else and lots of opportunity to but has chosen to be on her own after her last husband left her.

This can't be real.

Nanny0gg · 27/11/2022 23:36

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:54

So if someone has chosen to be alone then their children must be expected to always fill that hole? My husband often says he feels this way and it’s draining for him. My children will be able to live their lives as they please and I’ll be happy to see it.

What do you mean 'chosen'? She could have gone out with every man on the planet but it still might not have worked out!

It is really horrible not to be wanted or thought of as a burden by your family.

God forbid she becomes infirm as she gets old.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 28/11/2022 00:10

Dartmoorcheffy · 27/11/2022 20:03

Harsh. It's clear you wouldn't welcome her.

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You sound quite nasty and selfish

BarbedButterfly · 28/11/2022 01:45

YANBU. You have said your DH feels the same way and wants it to be just you.