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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Day

425 replies

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 19:22

This year has been a busy year and my husband and I have decided to spend Christmas Day just the two of us with our two dogs. He’ll be spending the week before Christmas with his mother at her home as I’ll be working. My husband and I will spend Christmas Day together at home before I spend a few days with family and friends then come back home and us spend a few days together before starting the new working year. My husband has said his mother is still upset she won’t get to spend Christmas Day with us, despite seeing him for a week! We’ve spent the last few years with family on Christmas Day and want this year to ourselves for one day. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ihatecocomelon · 27/11/2022 21:22

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Whenwherewhy · 27/11/2022 21:22

Oh dear OP - so cold! Brrrr

TWAWmearse · 27/11/2022 21:24

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Do people really not get the irony of posting things like this?

OP is the devil incarnate bc she and her dh want to spend a Christmas alone?

Wow.

Jaboodyrudi · 27/11/2022 21:24

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Hollywolly1 · 27/11/2022 21:27

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:01

She is on her own by choice. She’s had 20 years to meet someone else and lots of opportunity to but has chosen to be on her own after her last husband left her.

Oooooh, sounds kinda mean

Stripedbag101 · 27/11/2022 21:28

TWAWmearse · 27/11/2022 21:24

Do people really not get the irony of posting things like this?

OP is the devil incarnate bc she and her dh want to spend a Christmas alone?

Wow.

Show quote history

I am not reacting to the day - I am reacting to the very harsh comments about it being the woman’s fault for being single!

OP sounds like a misogynist. A woman’s sole worth is in finding a man??

Ilovetocrochet · 27/11/2022 21:30

Skyeheather · 27/11/2022 20:24

You and your DH should have made sure she has somewhere else to go before you declared you were just having Christmas to yourselves. She won't get any invitations from friends or family for Christmas Day because everyone will assume she's spending the day with her son as usual. She will be on her own unless you want to start phoning around and asking people if they'll have her.

Totally agree, could you help by contacting these other family members to see if MIL can go there?

Recently my adult son and daughter both moved in with their partners and want to start the tradition of spending alternate Christmases with each set of parents - making sure that their year to be with me was the same year! My daughter wanted to make sure I was sorted for this year before deciding to go to her partners family this year. Had I not been able to go to my sisters, then she had arranged for me to have an invite to her partners family, no way would she let me be on my own.

Mind you, if I had enough notice, I quite fancy a singles holiday one year so I might drop a few hints!

For someone living alone, it’s more than just being alone on Christmas Day, many of the usual social activities that I go to stop meeting between 20th Dec and about the 8th Jan this year so if I did not have family to spend some time with, it would be a very lonely and isolated time for me.

Original poster
Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:32

Absolutely the opposite actually. Women do not need men, but children shouldn’t be expected to fill the hole if you have chosen to be alone. They are entitled to lead their lives. My husband said he feels drained and would love to spend the day alone just the two of us and that is what we will do this year.

OP posts:
TWAWmearse · 27/11/2022 21:33

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:32

Absolutely the opposite actually. Women do not need men, but children shouldn’t be expected to fill the hole if you have chosen to be alone. They are entitled to lead their lives. My husband said he feels drained and would love to spend the day alone just the two of us and that is what we will do this year.

Yes - but you’ll still get the blame for it OP!

It saddens me to see the rampant misogyny on MN.

Ginger1982 · 27/11/2022 21:36

He feels drained spending one day with his mother? How very odd.

Roocakes · 27/11/2022 21:36

OP and her DH are wanting to spend Xmas on their own for once and some posters think they’re abandoning their 57 yr old mil. And OP is advised by some not to have children because she’s selfish and hard hearted. Can’t people decide to do something different for one day on this particular year? Apparently not.

ImAvingOops · 27/11/2022 21:37

I'm with the OP - she and her dh are not responsible for another adult's happiness. It's their Christmas too and they should be allowed to please themselves sometimes.
Parents shouldn't guilt trip their kids into doing what they want, that's just as selfish !

BungleandGeorge · 27/11/2022 21:40

The last few christmases that you’ve spent with ‘family’. Is it her or other family? I’m presuming not all her or you’d have said? I agree that you shouldn’t have to spend every year with her. Most people alternate families even if they don’t spend it alone. You should spend some with her though. She’s probably given up a lot to bring up her son and there should be some reciprocation. I see that you didn’t answer the question about whether she was busy bringing him up for many of the years that you claim she couldn’t be bothered to find a partner! I don’t think you can really predict how you’ll feel about your own children and it’s obvious that you and your mum aren’t that bothered by Christmas anyway. Many people don’t want to bring new partners into their child’s life, or don’t have time with single parenting, find it hard to find someone who will accept their children. They’re not going to say anything to the child than they’re not bothered… sometimes age and experience alters your perception of things

nettie434 · 27/11/2022 21:40

Her MIL is 57, so OP probably hasn't hit 60 yet....unless there's been some serious cougar action, I suppose...

😀 I think age is important here as the MIL is of an age when she could make alternative plans like seeing friends or other family members.

However, I've switched between voting YABU and YANBU a few times. On the YANBU side, people don't always live near enough to each other for it to be feasible to see every member of the family at Christmas. The other week a friend said to me that when her son gets married, she'd be satisfied with seeing him on Christmas Day every 3 years so her son and his wife would spend one Christmas with her, one with the future in laws, and one on their own as a couple.

The decider for me is that this is the first Christmas for 3 years in which everyone can do what they like. I'd want to know where the OP's mum spent Christmas during Covid. If she has had to spend either of the last two Christmases on her own, then it would be kind to make sure she is not alone again this Christmas.

DariaMorgendorffer · 27/11/2022 21:40

YABU. It's Christmas Day and this woman clearly doesn't want to be alone/without seeing her son. Have a heart.

Original poster
Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:41

He’s drained because he’s had a very busy and difficult year at work. He has told his mother he’ll spend the week with her including Christmas Eve. It is draining that this isn’t enough and that he just wants a Christmas Day where he can kick back and enjoy the day he wants this year

OP posts:
sundaebest · 27/11/2022 21:41

Ignore the vicious posts, they are just projecting. They’ll also be ones to guilt trip their kids into spending Christmas with them.

You and your husband do want you want. Enjoy skiing!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/11/2022 21:41

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Not okay - a thousand times not okay - to say this to someone.

I can't conceive of any circumstances in which it would be, or the kind of personality that could think it was.

CloverCoolCalm · 27/11/2022 21:42

coodawoodashooda · 27/11/2022 19:54

Yabu

Show quote history

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. She’s 57 for goodness sake not 87. But if you do it this year, you will be doing it for the next 20+ years.
I speak from experience

Nogreens · 27/11/2022 21:42

The level of projection on this thread. OP has touch a nerve . Some of these responses are just ridiculous.

saraclara · 27/11/2022 21:43

Ginger1982 · 27/11/2022 21:36

He feels drained spending one day with his mother? How very odd.

I feel drained spending an hour with mine. So I don't blame him or OP for wanting a Christmas of their own.

It's OP's attitude to the widowed or single that horrifies me. She seems to think that they are obliged to find a partner (anyone will do) just so that their kids don't have to feel guilty.

Original poster
Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:43

She spent Christmas Day at ours the last two years. Before that we’ve alternated between my mother and her.

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/11/2022 21:44

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:43

She spent Christmas Day at ours the last two years. Before that we’ve alternated between my mother and her.

What did she do when you went to your mother's?

ImAvingOops · 27/11/2022 21:45

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someonecookmydinnerplease · 27/11/2022 21:46

You're not making sense op. On one hand Christmas Day is so special you want to spend that specific day alone with DH , on the other hand it's no big deal so not an issue to spend it alone or working (which are not the same thing... I often work on Christmas Day, it not the same as spending the day alone).

If it will hurt MIL and DH is stuck in middle, why not just have Boxing Day alone with DH instead?