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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Day

425 replies

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 19:22

This year has been a busy year and my husband and I have decided to spend Christmas Day just the two of us with our two dogs. He’ll be spending the week before Christmas with his mother at her home as I’ll be working. My husband and I will spend Christmas Day together at home before I spend a few days with family and friends then come back home and us spend a few days together before starting the new working year. My husband has said his mother is still upset she won’t get to spend Christmas Day with us, despite seeing him for a week! We’ve spent the last few years with family on Christmas Day and want this year to ourselves for one day. AIBU?

OP posts:
Roocakes · 28/11/2022 13:46

antelopevalley · 27/11/2022 20:57

@Roocakes She may not have any other options. OP has decided because she has friends and some other family members she has options, but this may not be true. Her friends are probably all visiting their families. Her other family members may be visiting their inlaws.
Simply because someone knows some other people, you can't decide that those people will spend Christmas Day with her.
She may have zero choices and be sad about being alone.

We don’t know if other alternatives are available or not. OP mentions there are other relatives around so it might be an option for her. But is it really so bad to spend one day by yourself? The mil is 57, fairly independent and has spent previous Christmas days with her son and OP. And she will be seeing her son for a whole week before Christmas. I think mil’s angry reaction to this is ott.

EndlessRain · 28/11/2022 13:49

TimBoothseyes · 28/11/2022 13:43

The OP says there are friends and family she could go to, if the MiL chooses to spend the day alone rather than be with them, then it's hardly the OP's fault is it?

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Well, so OP says. Are they real alterantives though? Most people tend to spend Xmas with immediate family, I am not sure many people invite themselves over to their mate's house.

Anyway my comment was in response to OP's comment that MIL has had 20 years to find someone else to be with if she didn't want to be alone. Hardly screams of compassion does it?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/11/2022 13:52

ttcttc · 28/11/2022 13:34

@LovePoppy I wonder how YOU would feel if you were disregarded on such days because DIL doesn't want to accommodate and has convinced DP he should support this.

Ps. Did the bold help you understand ?

But OP claims this is her DH's decision. He's had a busy year and would just like to spend Christmas day in his own home.

The only person plucking the suggestion out of the air that OP has 'convinced' her DP to do something he really doesn't want to do, is you. Nowhere else is it suggested that this is the case.

You're making this up.

antelopevalley · 28/11/2022 13:52

All my single friends are going to their parents' or siblings' houses for Christmas Day. Not sure they would be impressed if I invited myself over.

antelopevalley · 28/11/2022 13:53

Roocakes · 28/11/2022 13:46

We don’t know if other alternatives are available or not. OP mentions there are other relatives around so it might be an option for her. But is it really so bad to spend one day by yourself? The mil is 57, fairly independent and has spent previous Christmas days with her son and OP. And she will be seeing her son for a whole week before Christmas. I think mil’s angry reaction to this is ott.

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I would be really really sad if I had to spend the day alone.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/11/2022 13:57

But I can see you don’t hold men folk in very high regard in that they can’t make their own choices.

Absolutely. This is age-old misogyny based around antediluvian stereotypes. The 'henpecked husband' who's so well-versed in learned helplessness he's incapable of independent thought. The devious, nasty DiL who is responsible for any and all differences of opinion arising between her partner and his mother.

But she MADE him do it ....

FFS.

Roocakes · 28/11/2022 14:03

antelopevalley · 28/11/2022 13:53

I would be really really sad if I had to spend the day alone.

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Do you think it’s reasonable to be angry at your adult child for deciding not to spend Xmas Day with you?

ttcttc · 28/11/2022 14:07

@MarieIVanArkleStinks of course she's saying it's his decision because she cannot be to blame. She is the victim. MIL is nasty to even expect not to be on her own and it's her own fault for not shacking up with the first Available man

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/11/2022 14:24

ttcttc · 28/11/2022 14:07

@MarieIVanArkleStinks of course she's saying it's his decision because she cannot be to blame. She is the victim. MIL is nasty to even expect not to be on her own and it's her own fault for not shacking up with the first Available man

No. Aside from the voluntary celibacy stuff, which I've already commented against upthread, the rest is entirely your, shall we call it 'interpretative spin'.

ttcttc · 28/11/2022 14:36

@MarieIVanArkleStinks or I can see right through this situation.

Skelligsfeathers · 28/11/2022 16:04

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:10

No we do not have children yet but when we do I’ll be happily telling them to spend Christmas as they wish as they get older. As I said previously I would not be hurt and would find other ways to spend the day - I’d go away or as another post said eat chocolates and watch films that day. My children may well work over Christmas, live abroad or want to spend the time on holiday - the choice will be theirs and not mine.

This is like childless people saying their babies will never have dummies, will only play with wooden toys and won't watch tv until they're 12

xogossipgirlxo · 28/11/2022 16:25

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:10

No we do not have children yet but when we do I’ll be happily telling them to spend Christmas as they wish as they get older. As I said previously I would not be hurt and would find other ways to spend the day - I’d go away or as another post said eat chocolates and watch films that day. My children may well work over Christmas, live abroad or want to spend the time on holiday - the choice will be theirs and not mine.

How can you be so sure? You don't know this until you have children. You might be exactly as your MIL.

saraclara · 28/11/2022 16:36

Skelligsfeathers · 28/11/2022 16:04

This is like childless people saying their babies will never have dummies, will only play with wooden toys and won't watch tv until they're 12

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Ha! Isn't it just.

(and yes, guilty as charged on the dummies thing!)

ImAvingOops · 28/11/2022 16:45

I have children. DS has decided to stay in his own home on Christmas Day with his DP - they have just moved into a new home and want to do their own thing. I'm not guilt tripping him into coming here - I love him and I want him to be happy. And I recognise that it's his Christmas too snd why shouldn't he do what makes him happy?

ImAvingOops · 28/11/2022 16:46

And maybe OP's mil really ^is* happy without a man - they aren't compulsory. And if it was her choice, then it isn't fair to stop her son from having the odd Christmas as he prefers, on account of it!

Skyelils · 28/11/2022 17:46

It’s your life do what you want to do

CrazyLadie · 28/11/2022 17:53

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:24

I would happily spend Christmas Day on my own and would never guilt trip my children into spending the day with me and wouldn’t be hurt by it if that’s the decision they took in future. It’s not personal, I do like her and we will spend Christmas with her next year, but for one year we just want to do it just the two of us.

I just think ya have left it a bit late to let her know, why not invite her this year on the clear understanding that next year will just be the 2 of you, no ifs or buts?

Tessabelle74 · 28/11/2022 17:56

We never see anyone on Christmas day, saves the arguments!

CrazyLadie · 28/11/2022 17:57

LovePoppy · 27/11/2022 20:27

Why? Why is it their responsibility to make sure she’s got plans?

she’s not a fucking child

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No she is his fucking parent who literally gave him life and taught him to wipe his ass. He will only ever have one Mum he could get through a few partners yet. It's rude and nasty to wait till the last min to tell someone who usually comes to yours that yer having Xmas alone. Plenty notice gives them time to figure something else out. Our parents won't be around forever. And yeah she may only be 57 but people die young and ya never know when

Amabitnewhere · 28/11/2022 17:59

You sound dreadful. And of course, YABU.

T1Dmama · 28/11/2022 18:00

I personally see Christmas as a time to all get together and see family we don’t live with…. But how you spend Christmas is your choice… I have the only grandchild that my parents ever get to see Christmas Day so I wouldn’t dream of not seeing my parents on Christmas Day…. Might be different if the other siblings were taking their kids there one year though, but they’re scattered all over the globe.

Islandgirl68 · 28/11/2022 18:01

You should do what you want to do at Christmas, skiing at Christmas is one of my favourite holidays. If there is other family members, and friends of MIL. Have Xmas on your own if you want and go skiing to. Have fun.

yphtutor · 28/11/2022 18:08

Do whatever makes you happy honestly life is too short

Kinderslice · 28/11/2022 18:08

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 19:22

This year has been a busy year and my husband and I have decided to spend Christmas Day just the two of us with our two dogs. He’ll be spending the week before Christmas with his mother at her home as I’ll be working. My husband and I will spend Christmas Day together at home before I spend a few days with family and friends then come back home and us spend a few days together before starting the new working year. My husband has said his mother is still upset she won’t get to spend Christmas Day with us, despite seeing him for a week! We’ve spent the last few years with family on Christmas Day and want this year to ourselves for one day. AIBU?

I hear ya! its your Christmas and you do what makes you and your partner happy :).
I do wonder why we have to cram everything into this one day. I loveeeeeee Christmas, the whole season, but my husband and I have big families with parents/siblings/nieces/nephews, whyyyy does it make Christmas day plans so annoying and jam packed!?

If there is any day in the whole year to suit yourself and chill, its Christmas day. there are plenty of other days around Christmas where we can enjoy family time.. Merry Christmas 🎄

CrazyLadie · 28/11/2022 18:09

CarefreeMe · 27/11/2022 20:45

YANBU

It really annoys me how many people will use Christmas as an excuse to be manipulative and make you do things you don’t want to do.

There are plenty of activities for people who live alone and it’s not fair that they impose on someone else just because ‘it’s Christmas’.

This may be but those activities will be all booked up now. By all means spend Xmas aline but Jesus give the usual people plenty notice especially when you are leaving them alone