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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH holiday with female friends

144 replies

NamechBge · 27/11/2022 17:38

DH’s male friend’s brother is getting married abroad and DH has been invited. They are having a small wedding so myself and DC are not invited.

They are all going a week before the wedding, including a few female friends of DH/the friendship group and have planned to all do day trips together, hang out, stay in the same hotel etc.

AIBU to feel a bit uneasy? No trust issues but they are all single and he is the only married one.

Also we already planned to go abroad in that same month… now I feel like DH will cancel those plans due to money & using up work annual leave. I think it’s a bit unfair he gets to go abroad and spend all that money but then it affects our first family holiday plans.

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 27/11/2022 17:43

This wouldn’t bother me. My DP has a long weekend/week away every year with a group of friends from uni. Including several women. They’ve known each other since they were 18, if they wanted to jump each other bones I’m sure they would have got round to it before their 30s.
Id be raging if he cancelled the holiday but women being in a group of friends isn’t something I’d give a moments thought

RoyKeanesBeard · 27/11/2022 17:46

Wouldn't bother me.

Merlott · 27/11/2022 17:46

It's rude to invite 1 person when that person is married and has DC.

Would a female friend invite you abroad for a week for a wedding/holiday and say DH and DC not invited? How would DH react to that?

It's weird and a dick move of the "friend" and DH's priority should be his DC if he is any kind of a father.

Notimeforaname · 27/11/2022 17:46

If there are no trust issues hen you have no need to feel uneasy.

If it's a financial thing, speak to him properly so you know if your own holiday is going ahead and how you plan to budget for it.

Notimeforaname · 27/11/2022 17:46

then*

DragonWasp · 27/11/2022 17:47

Can't you all go but not go to the wedding.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 27/11/2022 17:48

What would upset me is if you'd already agreed to go abroad with you as a family and then him cancelling due to no leave or money. That would seriously piss me off.

IvyAurora · 27/11/2022 17:48

I'd be more worried about being alone with the DC because it's a lot of work. Would you accept an invite and he would stay at home with them?

If you're not doing a family holiday instead can you have a few days away with friends? He can do the childcare in that time.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 27/11/2022 17:49

Merlott · 27/11/2022 17:46

It's rude to invite 1 person when that person is married and has DC.

Would a female friend invite you abroad for a week for a wedding/holiday and say DH and DC not invited? How would DH react to that?

It's weird and a dick move of the "friend" and DH's priority should be his DC if he is any kind of a father.

I don’t think it’s rude. I don’t want DP tagging along when I meet up or go away with friends and they would a hate it

vincettenoir · 27/11/2022 17:50

I’d be less concerned about the fact that some girls are going to be on this trip (obviously there will be, it’s a wedding) and more concerned about how it might impact your family holiday.

I’d get some assurances from him upfront about the kind of holiday you can go on as a family if he goes on this trip.

My DH goes on trips without us from time to time but they are usually cheapo camping trips. If you guys can afford for him to go on this trip and then go on the holiday you were planning later in the year then that’s one thing. But It’s not fair for you guys to lose out as a result of this trip.

cleanfreak12345 · 27/11/2022 17:51

No trust issues but you're feeling uneasy

Okay

Mañanarama · 27/11/2022 17:52

I’d be annoyed if the family holiday was cancelled, but otherwise I wouldn’t have a problem with it. Do you know the bride?

I don’t subscribe to this “we’re married with kids so must come as a pair/group” at all, especially when it comes to small and/or expensive weddings.

Original poster
NamechBge · 27/11/2022 17:53

DragonWasp · 27/11/2022 17:47

Can't you all go but not go to the wedding.

So this is what I wanted - would have been the wedding and family holiday all done in one! But DH said “we don’t always have to do everything together” 🙄 and also DC will be 10 months old at the time so we can’t do all the day trips etc they’ve planned. I would be happy just hanging around the hotel pool with DC but still, DH just wants to go on his own and enjoy with his friends…

OP posts:
MintChocCornetto · 27/11/2022 17:54

The holiday wouldn't bother me, but the possibility of having a pre-planned family holiday cancelled due to lack of money would.

Can you speak to DP?

I get what ppl say about partners/children not being invited being a dick move but ime unmarried/childless people don't really get it so I don't think it's personal.

drpet49 · 27/11/2022 17:54

Don’t see what the issue is here. I wouldn’t have expected an invite either. It is your husbands friend’s brother getting married.

EndlessRain · 27/11/2022 17:58

Unless there is some kind of history with these women than I think you do probably have some degree of trust issue if you feel uneasy.

Ponoka7 · 27/11/2022 18:04

The other women wouldn't bother me. The expectation of being sole carer for your baby while he's away, without discussion, would bother me. I wouldn't stand for the family holiday to be cancelled. It's fine for the other singletons, but he has a family to consider. It would be different if he was best man etc, but not just as a guest, does he get to cop out of family life.

WifeMotherWorker · 27/11/2022 18:09

This would definitely bother me! Also the fact that he is actively discounting the possibility of you joining him would really loss me off!!!
I’m sure he’d have an opinion on you going away for the same amount of time with a group of single male friends!!

RealBecca · 27/11/2022 18:15

Depends on the DH.

My ex- yanbu because if I'm honest I knew he had a crush on one of the girls.

DH- yabu, the idea of being worried about cheating wouldnt cross my mind and I'd look forward to a week of crap telly in peace on the sofa.

If it's only one family holiday you need to reconsider rather than cancelling then yabu, for one year you can all go camping and do something next year.

AndEverWhoKnew · 27/11/2022 18:15

The female friends wouldn't bother me but the impact on the family holiday would.
Tbh my DH wouldn't have wanted to go on holiday with friends when our DC were so small. He'd have flown out for the wedding then came home. Or we would all have went for the week and have booked our own accommodation. He might have went on some of the trips with his friends but it's more likely we'd all have gone to a few of the meals.

Dashel · 27/11/2022 18:17

I would be ok with DH going as long as it didn’t interfere with our holiday. If it meant our plans were cancelled our we had to have a worse holiday than planned then I would not be happy.

There is no way he would be going abroad if I couldn’t… unless it was for work and they were paying.

Original poster
NamechBge · 27/11/2022 18:20

AndEverWhoKnew · 27/11/2022 18:15

The female friends wouldn't bother me but the impact on the family holiday would.
Tbh my DH wouldn't have wanted to go on holiday with friends when our DC were so small. He'd have flown out for the wedding then came home. Or we would all have went for the week and have booked our own accommodation. He might have went on some of the trips with his friends but it's more likely we'd all have gone to a few of the meals.

This would have been ideal. DH acts like he needs a break from being a dad, but literally does the basics…
Im exclusively breastfeeding so he’s never had to get u or help with night feeds.

OP posts:
AloysiaW · 27/11/2022 18:22

I could just about, maybe put up with this for the wedding of a very close friend or family member. If I too, am off on a holiday with friends this year. But for the wedding of the brother of a friend? Whilst your the cool wife at home, looking after DCHmm What even is is this thing?
I agree it's beyond rude not to invite you anyway. No help from me for their little wedding.

amylou8 · 27/11/2022 18:23

This would bother me on a few levels.

You're actively not invited, even though you've come up with a compromise, where you go and aren't involved in every part of the trip.

You're being expected to do sole childcare for the week with no consultation.

Financially this could well impact your family holiday. Again you've come up with a compromise, combine the two, which has been completely disregarded.

This is a 'lads' week away not a night at the pub, it impacts you too. Yet he's decided he's going and you have no say in the matter.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/11/2022 18:24

Incredibly rude to not invite you and your child (or you, at least). They may be old friends but he’s not a single man any more.
If I were your husband, I would have declined.

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