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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH holiday with female friends

144 replies

NamechBge · 27/11/2022 17:38

DH’s male friend’s brother is getting married abroad and DH has been invited. They are having a small wedding so myself and DC are not invited.

They are all going a week before the wedding, including a few female friends of DH/the friendship group and have planned to all do day trips together, hang out, stay in the same hotel etc.

AIBU to feel a bit uneasy? No trust issues but they are all single and he is the only married one.

Also we already planned to go abroad in that same month… now I feel like DH will cancel those plans due to money & using up work annual leave. I think it’s a bit unfair he gets to go abroad and spend all that money but then it affects our first family holiday plans.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 27/11/2022 18:25

It's not rude to not invite partners and it's fine to go on holiday with friends when you have a partner.

But will you be sacrificing your family holiday for him to attend? That's what this would come down to for me.

What's the problem with the female friends if you don't have trust issues?

roarfeckingroarr · 27/11/2022 18:25

Wouldn't bother me. You either trust him or you don't. I thought this thread was going to say "my husband's going on holiday with x number women" - rather than a mixed group of friends.

AloysiaW · 27/11/2022 18:29

You're the cool wifeEnvy

Zanatdy · 27/11/2022 18:29

He clearly just wants to go and enjoy a single persons holiday. Or he would have taken you up on the offer for you to tag along but not attend the wedding. I can understand you feeling a bit uneasy with a week’s worth of drinking / holiday behaviour to be honest

roarfeckingroarr · 27/11/2022 18:30

Just seen your update about him actively not inviting you.

That would make me sad - and make me question the sort of man he is. You say he just does the basics with your child - that's also not ok.

Has this come as a surprise? Because a man this selfish would surely have showed signs before?

CantFindTheBeat · 27/11/2022 18:31

A whole week's holiday without your family when your DC is a baby is ridiculous.

He only needs to go a few days at most.

rookiemere · 27/11/2022 18:32

Yes I'd be bothered.
Not so much about the single women, but the fact he decided to go a week early when presumably he could have just gone for the wedding.

Also the rejection of your perfectly reasonable compromise of going, but he goes to the wedding alone.

I'm all for DPs getting solo trips, but to extend the time away from a 10 mth old, squander the family budget and annual leave and basically deny you any holidays, nah none of that is cool.

cookiesbeforepookies · 27/11/2022 18:32

Tell DH that he doesn’t get to spend the family holiday money on a holiday just for him.

Or at the very least, if he goes away on this holiday, then you get to have a holiday as well, with your family and baby maybe.

Watapalava · 27/11/2022 18:33

I would absolutely not allow this

both dh and I agreed day one we wouldn’t do separate holidays - asking for trouble

I’ve been on loads and watched the most loyal of people get pissed and shag about

I trust dh but he wouldn’t be going

Ladyoftheprom · 27/11/2022 18:33

A wedding abroad fine but not a holiday for week when it means your family one will be canceled x

Nottodaysausage · 27/11/2022 18:35

If there is not the money for you to also go away with your friends for a week, while he does everything, then he shouldn't get to go for the full week.

I can totally understand why you would feel upset about the thought of your DH prancing around with bikini clad ladies when you're post partum and probably not feeling your best.

He shouldn't go

CovidTestEvapLine · 27/11/2022 18:38

I think it's rude OP isn't invited, and it's not on DH is fine with that

We got married abroad and gave anyone with a longterm boyfriend/girlfriend/partner an invite because we thought it was pretty rude to ask them to esentially go on holiday without them. For a few friends it was their only holiday that year (or in a few years), I can't imagine that happening if we were mean about partners/kids coming

TheChosenTwo · 27/11/2022 18:39

Dh going away in these circumstances wouldn’t bother me unless it meant we wouldn’t also get to have our family holiday.

We’ve both gone and done similar things (abroad with our own groups of friends both men and women) since having children, it’s a great excuse to switch off for a few days and relax and just enjoy being a person again. I went when the dds were young and ds was about 6 months, dh coped. He went abroad for a long weekend when the baby one was about 3 months and the dds were still small too, I coped.

The thing that would make me cross would be the loss of a family holiday, can you definitely not afford both?

DuchessOfSausage · 27/11/2022 18:39

What sort of DH thinks it is ok to go on holiday, leaving his DW and baby at home?

TheChosenTwo · 27/11/2022 18:40

And I’m far from a cool wife, I just prioritise myself sometimes and this means dh has to suck it up and get on with it. And this cuts both ways.

LlareggubTripAdviser · 27/11/2022 18:40

AloysiaW · 27/11/2022 18:29

You're the cool wifeEnvy

Yes of course she is because all single women are overcome by the sight of a married man and will no doubt divest themselves of their clothes and climb on his dick the moment the plane takes off... ffs !

If the OPs DH is an opportunist shagger then he could do this on a solo trip fake trip to Tesco's with a phone and a good excuse for time wasting. ..

A 'cool wife' is just a wife with normal expectations of fidelity, not some kind of liberal superpower! Men do actually have agency you know.

I would be massively pissed off at this due to the family holiday being dumped in favour of his selfishness. It really would be a dealbreaker for me. We go together and I get to hang out with DC in the day and he can help with evening childcare. He IS married with childcare responsibilities. So needs to stop pretending he isn't. Honestly I would divorce him for this. Not because of any other reason than complete lack of consideration for me and our child.

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/11/2022 18:40

IvyAurora · 27/11/2022 17:48

I'd be more worried about being alone with the DC because it's a lot of work. Would you accept an invite and he would stay at home with them?

If you're not doing a family holiday instead can you have a few days away with friends? He can do the childcare in that time.

Being alone with your own children?

CarefreeMe · 27/11/2022 18:43

YABU

It wouldn’t bother me who else was going and it doesn’t mean anything that they’re single.

If he’s going to cheat it could be with someone married or someone who isn’t a friend.

In my friendship group there are both sexes and some are married and some aren’t.

It’s not fair if it’s this vs a holiday you can all go on.

So I would try and make the family holiday cheaper and try and do both, especially as you have a 10 month old and say yourself you’ll just be lying by the pool which seems a bit of a waste of money to spend loads on it.

Try and make it work so you can have a family holiday and he still gets to go the wedding.
But if finances really can’t stretch for both then the money should be used on the family.

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/11/2022 18:45

Also we already planned to go abroad in that same month… now I feel like DH will cancel those plans due to money & using up work annual leave. I think it’s a bit unfair he gets to go abroad and spend all that money but then it affects our first family holiday plans.

Ask him. Instead of imagining what he may or may not do just ask.

I think if he cancelled your holiday to go on this I would be pissed off. Going on holiday with a group of friends some of who happen to be female is fine.

IvyAurora · 27/11/2022 18:45

@TabithaTittlemouse sorry I don't think I was clear but if you read my full post I say at the end it would be ok if OP can then do the same and have a few days away when he does childcare

Trees6 · 27/11/2022 18:46

He wants a week with no responsibility, acting like a 19 year old again with his uni friends. I understand, I can see the appeal, and I don’t think he plans to cheat. But that doesn’t mean I agree with what he’s doing! It’s selfish behaviour, especially if it is not affordable. At some point we have to accept that we’re now grownups who need to put spouse and kids first. He can meet his uni friends for the odd weekend in the UK, like most of us do once we’ve had children.

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/11/2022 18:46

@IvyAurora I’m sorry, I didn’t read it properly! Fair enough.

MichaelFabricantWig · 27/11/2022 18:47

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 27/11/2022 17:48

What would upset me is if you'd already agreed to go abroad with you as a family and then him cancelling due to no leave or money. That would seriously piss me off.

This. I’d be really pissed at that, very selfish

CarefreeMe · 27/11/2022 18:51

What would upset me is if you'd already agreed to go abroad with you as a family and then him cancelling due to no leave or money. That would seriously piss me off.

I agree but I don’t think that’s what’s happened here, it’s just what OP is worried what will happen.

So I would say let’s book the family holiday now and then see how much money and leave you have left and you can try and make it work.

Babyg1995 · 27/11/2022 18:52

This would bother me expecially him not wanting you to go .

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