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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH holiday with female friends

144 replies

NamechBge · 27/11/2022 17:38

DH’s male friend’s brother is getting married abroad and DH has been invited. They are having a small wedding so myself and DC are not invited.

They are all going a week before the wedding, including a few female friends of DH/the friendship group and have planned to all do day trips together, hang out, stay in the same hotel etc.

AIBU to feel a bit uneasy? No trust issues but they are all single and he is the only married one.

Also we already planned to go abroad in that same month… now I feel like DH will cancel those plans due to money & using up work annual leave. I think it’s a bit unfair he gets to go abroad and spend all that money but then it affects our first family holiday plans.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 28/11/2022 10:22

As others have said, the going away with women wouldn’t bother me, but the going away on a jolly for a whole week and leaving you alone to look after you baby would. Unless you then got to do the same. Would that be an option? ( I know you may not want to, but if you did what would he say to that, even if you just went for a weekend?).

what would really bother me though is if this trip impacted the plans for the family holiday, then I’d be very upset and really question his priorities.

ChocoFudge · 28/11/2022 10:33

NamechBge · 28/11/2022 09:52

Any advice on what and how DH should be helping with childcare?

DH works long hours so comes home around 6:30-7:30pm. He comes home and picks up baby straight away for cuddles. I always have dinner ready and once we’ve finished eating I take DC up to bed - they only sleep if breastfed…. DC also wakes up quite regularly so I have to keep going upstairs to settle them with boob.
I don’t know how else DH can help….

On weekends he does fo the vacuuming and comes grocery shopping to help, plays with DC a bit, bathes him, changes nappy if I say…

should he be doing more/ but how?

Stop thinking of it as 'helping' and call it what it is - parenting his child. He should be doing 50% of everything while he's not at work (apart from the breastfeeding obv) and you shouldn't have to ask him to change nappies ffs it's a basic and obvious childcare task.

PeeJayDay · 28/11/2022 10:39

"I'd be more worried about being alone with the DC because it's a lot of work."

🤣 ffs

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/11/2022 11:56

DuchessOfSausage · Yesterday 18:39
What sort of DH thinks it is ok to go on holiday, leaving his DW and baby at home?“

A bloody shabby one.

PeeJayDay · 28/11/2022 12:07

I must be pretty shabby then for spending time with friends and other family members while the kids stayed at home with their dad.

Fuwari · 28/11/2022 12:28

He wants to go play fun single guy for a week. Sun, booze, people hooking up (not necessarily within the group but if they’re single they are all free agents). Nah I wouldn’t like it either. I’ve too often seen a “what happens on tour stays on tour” mentality in these scenarios.

The problem is he wants to go, and is going. That in itself wouldn’t be acceptable to me. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would make those kinds of selfish decisions.

I don’t see the issue with bringing a partner to a mixed sexes event. Fair enough, no one would want a DH hanging out on a girls night or vice versa. But if someone likes/loves someone enough to be with them, why would that persons friends not like them? Why would it make it “weird” or change the “dynamic”? I’ve become good friends with some of my friends partners. The more the merrier as they say. It’s s strange group to me, that doesn’t want to let anyone else “in”.

BessieSurtees · 28/11/2022 12:30

PeeJayDay · 28/11/2022 12:07

I must be pretty shabby then for spending time with friends and other family members while the kids stayed at home with their dad.

Well, if it was for a week, so you could go on a jolly with people you hardly knew, and your DH and DC's had to forfeit their holiday to facilitate you then yes you would be. It's all about the context and mocking people, as you have, is pretty shabby too.

PeeJayDay · 28/11/2022 13:17

"Well, if it was for a week, so you could go on a jolly with people you hardly knew, and your DH and DC's had to forfeit their holiday to facilitate you then yes you would be. It's all about the context and mocking people, as you have, is pretty shabby too."

Give over. They're his mates and it's just a week. Worrying about looking after your own kids for 7 days and calling it "hard" is daft. How do people get through life?

MsSquiz · 28/11/2022 13:27

What kind of day trips are they planning?
We went to turkey for a friends wedding (granted we were all invited) and we made it into our family holiday. We were there for a week, the wedding was 2 days and then in the days after they'd booked a meal at a nearby town which we didn't go to as it clashed with the kids bed time and a full day boat trip that we did take the kids on and they absolutely loved it (almost 3 and 6 months!)

There has to be compromise here:
• It becomes the family holiday and DH goes to the wedding but spends the rest of the week with you and baby
• he goes but you don't lose out on a family holiday because of it
• he doesn't go and you go elsewhere for your family holiday
• he goes, but you also get the chance to go on a similar type of holiday with friends

Even if the baby is breastfed, there is no reason your husband can't change nappies or do bathtime, get baby ready for bed, etc.

BessieSurtees · 28/11/2022 16:24

@PeeJayDay Worrying about looking after your own kids for 7 days and calling it "hard" is daft. How do people get through life?
Some people don't and some people struggle.

MadameMackenzie · 28/11/2022 16:33

@IvyAurora Try being a single parent! You're left with no choice!!!!

MadameMackenzie · 28/11/2022 16:35

NamechBge · 27/11/2022 23:10

Sorry, I should have clarified better.

This is DH’s best friends brothers wedding. They have been on nights out together, and on holiday together previously, but he is not part of the main friendship group. DH is invited as well as his normal friendship group as the groom is also close with a few people from that group

I'd be putting my foot down and saying no. Why should you & DC miss out on a family holiday so he can go on a week long bender or however long it is. No way! Also, the fact he doesn't want you there as well, is very telling to me

Lennon80 · 28/11/2022 16:38

Be a big fat no chance from me! You have kids - family holidays are together now or not at all. My husband wouldn’t dream of asking - and I wouldn’t either. You go as a family or nobody goes!

rookiemere · 28/11/2022 16:45

Of course life is harder for single parents, I don't think anyone has denied this fact.

However OP has a DH so therefore shouldn't have to struggle on alone. To be fair from her update, it doesn't sound as if she'll miss much from a practical input point of view if the H goes on his weeklong jolly. However as he works long hours a holiday is a good opportunity for the two of them to parent together and for OP to get some down time.

DH had a long hours job when DS was young and I remember our early days holidays with great fondness. We rented a cottage in Wales with a hot tub and bought in M&S finest for dinner.

I'd be incandescent with rage if DH decided that a week long fun fest with his single pals ( or his best friends brothers single pals) was more important than spending time with his family.

And as I say we have had solo holidays over the years, just not a week long affair when we had such a young DC.

caringcarer · 28/11/2022 16:48

I would not mind DH going to wedding without me but I'd be furious if he then cancelled our holiday plans. He can do both.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 28/11/2022 17:00

I think it is rude for you not to be invited as you are married and he thinks he can swan off for a week acting like a single man while you are left with a baby. Fine if he went for 2 days or so but this will impact the family holiday. How is he at stepping up to help you out with his baby, does he help around the house also. It is not even his friend getting married but his friends brother. Just seems like he cannot wait to have a week free of responsibilities which is fine for all the 'cool wives out there' but maybe they are younger and think differently but for us older ones I would not be fine with that and just cannot get over how rude it is to invite your husband and to leave you out of the invitation, has common decency gone out the window. Also what is going on with a week away for a wedding, same for hen nights which have turned into hen week away in some far off place. Not everyone has the cash or luxury to just drop everything to head away and leave someone else to pick up the slack. If two people are not on the same wavelength about this it will only add resentment to the relationship. Can you talk to him and tell him that this better not stop your family holiday going ahead and can he go for 2 days instead of a week. Compromise is what will help you both.

Legallypinkish · 28/11/2022 17:04

I go away a few times a year with my friends without my DH or kids. It’s a mixed friendship group so no it definitely wouldn’t bother me.

DuchessOfSausage · 28/11/2022 17:10

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants , stepping up to help you out with his baby, does he help around the house also

He is the child's father and he lives in the house. Why should he help - he should be pulling his weight, not helping.

Calling it helping reinforces the belief that child-reating and housework is women's work.

TellMeWhere · 28/11/2022 17:15

Lennon80 · 28/11/2022 16:38

Be a big fat no chance from me! You have kids - family holidays are together now or not at all. My husband wouldn’t dream of asking - and I wouldn’t either. You go as a family or nobody goes!

So once you're married, you cease to be an individual?

I can't go away with my sister for a long weekend? Can't have a week away with my close friends? Can't go on a special interest trip that my husband and/or kids would hate?

Bloody hell.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 28/11/2022 17:17

Duchess of sausage would you ever take a chill pill, some people read so much into what other's write on here that it becomes toxic, stop nitpicking. That is not what I meant at all and you know it. He should be doing his share and without her asking and that is what I meant so go pick on someone else. The important thing here is the person asking for advice which is what we all try to give and hoping she is ok.

KirstenBlest · 28/11/2022 17:19

@TellMeWhere , nobody is saying that. When you become a parent you have responsibilities that aren't necessarily compatible with a singles type holiday with friends.

jannier · 28/11/2022 17:21

It would bother me if it were a cancellation of our family holiday so he can go on an extended stag do. Family before friends

Cornelious · 28/11/2022 17:26

It wouldn't bother me but I don't have trust issues. We regularly go away without the other one. I'd make sure you get a trip away somewhere.

DuchessOfSausage · 28/11/2022 17:31

I'm not nit-picking, @BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants .
You may have meant 'doing his share' but it wasn't obvious because you said 'helping'.

openinggambit · 28/11/2022 17:34

It would be a no from me. I have no issue with DH going away without me, and he has done many times over the years. BUT....

It is an acquaintance, not a close friend
It's a group of mixed singles, plus your DH
There will be plenty of alcohol involved
You have a baby and will be left with all the childcare for a week
It's affecting your family holiday
He's refused your compromise of blending it with the family holiday
And last but definitely not least, I've known the usually most loyal of partners go off the rails when drunk and abroad.