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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH holiday with female friends

144 replies

NamechBge · 27/11/2022 17:38

DH’s male friend’s brother is getting married abroad and DH has been invited. They are having a small wedding so myself and DC are not invited.

They are all going a week before the wedding, including a few female friends of DH/the friendship group and have planned to all do day trips together, hang out, stay in the same hotel etc.

AIBU to feel a bit uneasy? No trust issues but they are all single and he is the only married one.

Also we already planned to go abroad in that same month… now I feel like DH will cancel those plans due to money & using up work annual leave. I think it’s a bit unfair he gets to go abroad and spend all that money but then it affects our first family holiday plans.

OP posts:
notdaddycool · 27/11/2022 18:52

Demand your holiday is booked now, isn’t before that so he knows the financial situation and get on with it.

milawops · 27/11/2022 18:55

Him going without me wouldn't bother me. Me looking after the kids alone wouldn't bother me. I am far from a "cool wife" but I have been away with my friends for a weekend and left my partner with the kids and he has done the same. We both need time with our friends and no kids occasionally and we trust each other so it's not a big deal for us.
However, if he then cancelled our family holiday because of it I would go up the wall.

mewkins · 27/11/2022 19:01

rookiemere · 27/11/2022 18:32

Yes I'd be bothered.
Not so much about the single women, but the fact he decided to go a week early when presumably he could have just gone for the wedding.

Also the rejection of your perfectly reasonable compromise of going, but he goes to the wedding alone.

I'm all for DPs getting solo trips, but to extend the time away from a 10 mth old, squander the family budget and annual leave and basically deny you any holidays, nah none of that is cool.

Exactly this. I think he's using this as excuse to take a break from being a dad, and go back to being single and carefree for a week. Great, but where is your break? You're left struggling on your own and without a holiday. How does he think this is fair?

DuchessOfSausage · 27/11/2022 19:01

@Trees6 , OP didn't say they were uni friends. The groom is DH's friend's brother.

Isthisexpected · 27/11/2022 19:03

I wouldn't like it. Personally I believe cheating is most likely where there is alcohol, opportunity to feel like yourself instead of mother/father and the novelty factor. All of which combines here! I also don't believe that there is a "type" who does it and create the right circumstances...who knows.

RobinRobinMouse · 27/11/2022 19:04

Sorry but what a rubbish husband and father he sounds. Show him this thread and let him know that you both deserve better.

ConnieTucker · 27/11/2022 19:05

I think you need to make clear that your family holiday wont be sacrificed for this so he needs to ensure there is money and annual leave for both.

HolidayHun2020 · 27/11/2022 19:06

I would be fuming if in this situation if I’m honest and DH wouldn’t be going. A week long jolly with a bunch of single girls, having loads of fun, getting lie ins while I’m home with DC?! It would be a firm no. I wouldn’t mind if he wanted to fly out a day or two before the wedding but as I’m not invited I wouldn’t expect him to make a holiday out of it, especially at the cost of a holiday with me and DC, if he could do both and I got to do the same during the year I would be more inclined to be ok with it. You’re a lot more chilled out and understanding then me OP 😂

CheckedPJ · 27/11/2022 19:06

When I was married (now widowed) tbh I wouldn't have expected DH to accept such an invitation if I wasn't invited. It sounds like quite a few are, it's not like it's just the groom and DH, so I'd expect groom's SiL to be included.

OTOH I have since been away with a group of single people and one married man (although tbf we'd have loved wife to come but she didn't want to) and it was really nice. A group of happy friends away together and no hanky panky whatsoever

Peashoots · 27/11/2022 19:08

NamechBge · 27/11/2022 17:53

So this is what I wanted - would have been the wedding and family holiday all done in one! But DH said “we don’t always have to do everything together” 🙄 and also DC will be 10 months old at the time so we can’t do all the day trips etc they’ve planned. I would be happy just hanging around the hotel pool with DC but still, DH just wants to go on his own and enjoy with his friends…

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This is the shittest solution so I’m with your DH on this. It will make the wedding events really awkward for him and he will feel torn between you and his friends. His friends will feel awkward knowing you’re there too. And it’s not a family holiday, is it? I would resent being left with the kids all day and the fact family time was not happening.
i am shocked he’s been invited without you anyway-actually really rude to invite one half of a married couple.
the being away with his friends wouldn’t bother me, but the prioritising it above our own family holiday really would. I’d have a discussion about how he plans to facilitate both.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/11/2022 19:13

I’d also speak to DH about getting the family holiday booked first. His response to that will tell you all you need to know.
Yes it’s great to have time with friends but not at the expense of a family trip.

Given your baby is 10 months old I think you need to start going out without baby and leaving LO with DH for a couple of hours. He clearly needs the practice and you clearly need a break.

ImissSclub7 · 27/11/2022 19:14

Ponoka7 · 27/11/2022 18:04

The other women wouldn't bother me. The expectation of being sole carer for your baby while he's away, without discussion, would bother me. I wouldn't stand for the family holiday to be cancelled. It's fine for the other singletons, but he has a family to consider. It would be different if he was best man etc, but not just as a guest, does he get to cop out of family life.

Agree with this. Other posters have said similar.

Delatron · 27/11/2022 19:18

Is he actually friends with the person who’s getting married? Friend’s brother is a bit far removed to make such an effort and expense?

For that reason I think he just sees this as an excuse for a holiday with mates with no responsibilities. Which is unfair on you - at home doing the childcare and also as it could impact on your own family holiday. He’ll be using a lot of holiday allowance for this. For his mate’s brother….

I won’t comment about the other women there. Only you know whether he is trustworthy or not. But for the other reasons mentioned I wouldn’t be happy. I also think it’s the height of bad manners not to invite married partners. You can argue it’s a small wedding but since the groom isn’t that close to him how small can this wedding be?

cordelia16 · 27/11/2022 19:19

AloysiaW · 27/11/2022 18:22

I could just about, maybe put up with this for the wedding of a very close friend or family member. If I too, am off on a holiday with friends this year. But for the wedding of the brother of a friend? Whilst your the cool wife at home, looking after DCHmm What even is is this thing?
I agree it's beyond rude not to invite you anyway. No help from me for their little wedding.

But for the wedding of the brother of a friend?

That's the part I thought was strange, too. Unless the brother is also in the friendship group. Otherwise odd to use up a week for the relative of a friend.

Delatron · 27/11/2022 19:25

If the brother was in the friendship group then I guess OP would have just said ‘DH’s friend’ It all sounds a bit tenuous- basically an excuse for a holiday with zero responsibilities. A bit of an escape for him. How nice. And if your holiday was supposed to be in the same month how will that work with his annual leave?

He’s prioritising a friend’s brothers wedding (holiday) over your family holiday. He could easily fly over for a few days. Or you could go along and stay in the hotel and he just attends the wedding. Like you suggested.Only he won’t accept any reasonable suggestions…

AloysiaW · 27/11/2022 19:39

LlareggubTripAdviser · 27/11/2022 18:40

Yes of course she is because all single women are overcome by the sight of a married man and will no doubt divest themselves of their clothes and climb on his dick the moment the plane takes off... ffs !

If the OPs DH is an opportunist shagger then he could do this on a solo trip fake trip to Tesco's with a phone and a good excuse for time wasting. ..

A 'cool wife' is just a wife with normal expectations of fidelity, not some kind of liberal superpower! Men do actually have agency you know.

I would be massively pissed off at this due to the family holiday being dumped in favour of his selfishness. It really would be a dealbreaker for me. We go together and I get to hang out with DC in the day and he can help with evening childcare. He IS married with childcare responsibilities. So needs to stop pretending he isn't. Honestly I would divorce him for this. Not because of any other reason than complete lack of consideration for me and our child.

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Wow, where did you get all this from?
Surely not from 3 words correcting my original post's careless typing? Confused You need to calm down a little.

Coatdegroan · 27/11/2022 19:43

I'd find this difficult.

I think if you got a comparable break for yourself then fine. Difficult if ypu are still BF

And your family holiday was also not impacted. Maybe your family holiday should not be impacted AND you should have some extra treats on the family holiday as well as breaks leading up to him fucking off on the week long wedding break and after he gets back 😀

See if you can sit down and negotiate something that feels fair. Then it could work out that you also can have some fun and rest and you're both happym

Otherwise I wouldn't be cool about it. I'd be flipping angry.

Whichwhatnow · 27/11/2022 19:46

I find this really rude - I cant imagine inviting someone to an overseas wedding and not their spouse. I actually had very similar a few weeks ago where my husband was invited to an overseas wedding but I was not (I didn't know the friend but it still felt rude!).

We decided to make it into a holiday and I was happy to just chill in the hotel on the night of the wedding. In the end they had several people drop out so I did get an invitation but I'd have been fine without. Any chance you could do the same? Is it somewhere you'd like to go?

Whichwhatnow · 27/11/2022 19:54

Whichwhatnow · 27/11/2022 19:46

I find this really rude - I cant imagine inviting someone to an overseas wedding and not their spouse. I actually had very similar a few weeks ago where my husband was invited to an overseas wedding but I was not (I didn't know the friend but it still felt rude!).

We decided to make it into a holiday and I was happy to just chill in the hotel on the night of the wedding. In the end they had several people drop out so I did get an invitation but I'd have been fine without. Any chance you could do the same? Is it somewhere you'd like to go?

Sorry I see that you've already answered this. That's a dick move on his

Delatron · 27/11/2022 19:55

The DH has already said he doesn’t want her to come and make a holiday of it as ‘they shouldn’t have to do everything together’.

She has already made that very reasonable suggestion.

Sunnytwobridges · 27/11/2022 20:00

roarfeckingroarr · 27/11/2022 18:30

Just seen your update about him actively not inviting you.

That would make me sad - and make me question the sort of man he is. You say he just does the basics with your child - that's also not ok.

Has this come as a surprise? Because a man this selfish would surely have showed signs before?

This. He’s adamant that he doesn’t want you to go. So this would make me sad and anxious. He’s so determined to go alone.

ChocoFudge · 27/11/2022 20:01

The trip itself wouldn't bother me but I wouldn't be happy if this it affected the family holiday. It sounds like he's a bit of a useless father if he's just doing 'the basics' on a day to day basis?

BessieSurtees · 27/11/2022 20:01

No way would my DH have accepted a holiday invite for a week away and left me at home with a baby / toddler regardless of home / abroad, male / female.

Neither of us would ever have a holiday with friends unless it could be afforded on top of the family holidays when the DC’s were at home.

Nothing to do with trust, other than me trusting him to put us first.

Burgoo · 27/11/2022 20:04

Is he staying in a room with another woman? If not, what's the issue.

It seems there ARE trust issues even though the OP says there aren't. So, what if he is the only married one? I'd go and never cheat on my partner. Its actually rather insulting to his integrity.

mamabear715 · 27/11/2022 20:04

A 'friend's brother'? I'd be seriously pissed off if it was your DH's brother..
No. Just no.