DH holiday with female friends

[NamechBge]

DH’s male friend’s brother is getting married abroad and DH has been invited. They are having a small wedding so myself and DC are not invited.

They are all going a week before the wedding, including a few female friends of DH/the friendship group and have planned to all do day trips together, hang out, stay in the same hotel etc.

AIBU to feel a bit uneasy? No trust issues but they are all single and he is the only married one.

Also we already planned to go abroad in that same month… now I feel like DH will cancel those plans due to money & using up work annual leave. I think it’s a bit unfair he gets to go abroad and spend all that money but then it affects our first family holiday plans.

Oh and the line “we don’t have to do everything together” would really fuck me off, it’s akin to saying you are spoiling his fun.

He doesn't need to go for the whole week, does he?

Probably looking for a hookup just not necessarily with the female friends. I'd be furious.

I mean - if he cancels the family holiday then I would be pretty fucked off - i would get that confirmed and booked in now. If not and I trusted him 100% then fine - not a big deal. And no, I’m not some cool wife or whatever the fuck that is.

A decent DH would decline the invite or incorporate the wedding into a family holiday.

And with regard to cheating, let's not be naive. He might generally be the faithful type and have no intention of cheating at all but given a moonlit beach, a shed load of sangria and a bikini clad companion who's also had had too many wines and whoops!

The trip itself wouldn't bother me but I wouldn't be happy if this it affected the family holiday. It sounds like he's a bit of a useless father if he's just doing 'the basics' on a day to day basis?

I agree and it sounds like there’s bigger issues here.

I think there are trust issues. You don't want to admit that you're feeling jealous so you're looking for other reasons for it to be a problem. He hasn't actually said that he's cancelling your holiday plans, so talk to him about it. If he can't take your original planned time off, would it actually be a huge problem? Or can you reschedule in a month or two if you havent booked anything?

I think you are feeling insecure/paranoid, which is understandable, but it's better to admit that to yourself and deal with it.

If you trust him, then agree that he can go on the understanding thay you will also be taking some time away for yourself at some point and he will be on baby duty. If you don't trust him then I'd query why you've had a child with him. If a week is too long for you to manage on your own, then come to a compromise where he goes for less time.

He definitely wants a week with friends. That doesn't mean he wants to be single, but it completely changes the vibe if one person has a wife and child there. If you went I can guarantee you would argue with him and he'd resent you for being controlling or spoiling his fun.

You clearly do have trust issues to even bring this up.

Your DH is attending the wedding of a friend's brother, and yet this is a "small"wedding - how's that working then? If they can invite people who seem to be acquaintances rather than friends, then surely you should also be invited?

Apart from that, as your husband seems determined to attend, I would make it clear that you expect your holiday in the same month to be booked now so that there is no wriggling out of it later on.

Could you turn it into a family holiday? He could do one or 2 of the day trips and attend the wedding.

unfair he gets to go abroad and spend all that money but then it affects our first family holiday plans.

Given he is the only married member of the friendship group, I sort of get why they are all invited as 'singletons' and I wouldn't have any issue with their hanging out together.

However, hits just not acceptable for him to spend the family holiday budget on a week for just himself.

Don't just assume this is how it will be. Ask him how he is going to finance it.

Oh gosh so the absolute worst thing that could happen here is that the DH could resent his DW for gate crashing his attempt to pretend he's still young, free and single.

That ship has sailed, if he wanted that life he shouldn't have impregnated his DP.

I'm absolutely not saying parents don't get solo breaks, but this is disproportionate in terms of length and cost.

I find it amazing that there are people out there for whom getting tipsy on a beach with others automatically leads to whoops, cheating!

I have been drunk on many beaches with many men and in most cases shagging each other just wasn't on the cards.

In the OP's scenario I've mostly been in the position of the single (or child-free) female friend going on a group holiday with mates. Some have been single, some married, a couple with kids. Men and women, gay and straight. Literally no issues, and no inappropriate shagging, apart from one male friend whose wife didn't allow him to see us any more (she turned out to be a very controlling person and he's thankfully divorced her).

When it comes to friendship groups of this length of time everyone who's ever wanted to shag anyone else in it has already done so and moved on.

If it is such a small wedding that they are not inviting spouses, I am puzzled as to why your husband got an invite to what you describe as his friend’s brother’s wedding. I think it is incredibly rude to not invite spouses anyway, I have literally never come across that before.

Considering that this means potentially no holiday for you and that you offered to go along but not to the event anyway, I think your husband is being a bit of an arse.

@gannett where does it say they even know each other, it’s a brother of a friend, not a group of long term friends.

Always on mumsnet the wife is accused of being controlling or having trust & jealousy issues when really the problem is the DH who wants to fuck off on a week long jolly while his DW looks after the baby and he says she can’t go with him in case she spoils his fun.

I think what would bother me most is that you refer to this person as his friends brother. So it's not actually DH's friend, but just one of his friends brothers? It would bother me that he's going on holiday for a week and spending all that money to go on holiday for someone who's not actually a friend but the sibling of a friend.
I wouldn't be happy with the situation but not because the the female friends, more the ditching me with the kids for a week and missing out on a holiday myself lol

Sorry, I should have clarified better.

This is DH’s best friends brothers wedding. They have been on nights out together, and on holiday together previously, but he is not part of the main friendship group. DH is invited as well as his normal friendship group as the groom is also close with a few people from that group

"Literally no issues, and no inappropriate shagging, apart from one male friend whose wife didn't allow him to see us any more (she turned out to be a very controlling person and he's thankfully divorced her)."
Seriously you can't make that shit up.
That'll be you if you're not feeling the holiday 100% OP.

Love the idea of going on holidays separately, every time you want, with anyone you want IF you have unlimited budget and are completely relaxed about what may or may not happen. Anything less and someone is going to have a lovely time and the other not really.

Sorry OP but your latest update makes it even more obvious that your DH's attendance is anything but essential. And again, incredibly rude that you're not invited.

In that case, unless he has a lot of annual leave for work and the money is not an issue then he is being unreasonable and if it’s a small wedding then why is he even invited?

This is a jolly not a wedding. Will you get to go away with your friends whilst he stays with the child at another point?

I trust my DH I wouldn’t worry about the cheating aspect just how unfair the situation is.

I get it's a small wedding, but why haven't they invited you at least? Very odd

Yes what @Dashel says. This is more of a mates getaway than a wedding trip.

Bet they all enjoy it so much they suggest it becomes an annual event.

I'd put your foot down. Tell him he can do what he wants but you may not be there when he gets home.

The going on holiday in a group with women wouldn’t bother me at all.

But going away for a whole week leaving you in sole charge of all childcare would make me absolutely see red.

Any advice on what and how DH should be helping with childcare?

DH works long hours so comes home around 6:30-7:30pm. He comes home and picks up baby straight away for cuddles. I always have dinner ready and once we’ve finished eating I take DC up to bed - they only sleep if breastfed…. DC also wakes up quite regularly so I have to keep going upstairs to settle them with boob.
I don’t know how else DH can help….

On weekends he does fo the vacuuming and comes grocery shopping to help, plays with DC a bit, bathes him, changes nappy if I say…

should he be doing more/ but how?

Any advice on what and how DH should be helping with childcare?

Change your mindset to not thinking of it as helping.
For a start, you shouldn't need to ask him to change the baby's nappy.

What would happen if you were invited to your best friend's sister's wedding abroad, with single men from your friendship group?
Could you leave DH and DC at home for a week?

He just wants a single/childfree holiday by the sounds of it. He could just have gone for the wedding.